7 Ways Couples Can Support Each Other When Life Gets Tough (Top 10 Episode)

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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's with Steve and Mary Alessi here just giving you a little introduction. Look, we are getting ready for season eight. Very excited about over 200 episodes that we have been able to record.

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Some of them, if you were to go way back and listen to you would be inspired. But we're going to go ahead and help you do that because there's so many. We're going to pull together a few that we're going to play at this time. Kind of a throwback and say, all right, here's a great episode that we know is going to be a great help to you. So why don't you sit back and enjoy another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's.

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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's where family is everybody's business. And today in the podcast booth is Steve Alessi and Mary Alessi. Good to be here today. How are you, babe? I'm doing good, yeah. It's been a good couple of weeks.

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We enjoyed some nice times of celebrating and now we have released a 42 book that is pretty exciting and it's already doing great. Yep, it's doing well. The feedback's phenomenal and a lot of tears. A lot of inspiration and motivation that people are sharing the book has given them and that's what it's all about. Telling your story is giving people license and freedom to tell theirs. Let's get right into it today because something that has come up with the book itself and people can get the book on Amazon and hopefully they'll be able to do that. 42 by Steve Alessi and. Leave a review Leave a review. Thank you. One of the things that come up in our whole story of the heart attack and such is the support that you were able to give over the year.

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And while we were going through all of that, I was going through that, your support and part of my deal when I came back to the church, I was just letting people know what a rock star you were during all of that. You were solid, literally as a rock. To be able to stand there and go through everything that needed to be had to be dealt with while we were going through it. Even to the point that you shielded our kids from the actual heart attack itself because you were focused on me and you had to deal with them while they were in the room next door and you didn't want them to see anything so they wouldn't be traumatized by it. So First. Thank you.

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Glad you're strong. Can I just. Hold on a second. I have to interject. By nature, and you know this about me, I am probably the most indecisive person. I cannot decide where I want to eat. I can't decide what paint color to go with. I'll pick 10 different whites, and I can't figure out which one. It drives you crazy.

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Pick something, Mary. Just decide. You get mad at me if I don't pick the restaurant we want to go eat to, because you don't want the pressure of me now offering 10 suggestions. Right.

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Wow. Confession is good for the soul. That's true. I know who I am in my strengths and in my weaknesses. I have a difficult time making a decision, and even my adult kids will tell me this day, my mom, make a decision. Where do you want to do? Where do you want to go?

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But in that moment, that was not me. I made a decision solid. And I was able to see how. Choosing whichever way you choose, if you choose the right way, it gives you strength, it gives you peace. It gives you the ability to go through something that you didn't think you were strong enough to go through. And so that's what's a part of the book in the story. And I think even Gabby said it this morning as she was reading it.

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Dad, you know, what you said about mom in the book was so beautiful because she chose life. And that is something that I look back on even in my own life, and I realized that was a moment for me. I have to choose in this life and death moment that I'm gonna choose life for my children, life for my husband, life for this moment from a person that by nature is so indecisive. I cannot choose. And I wanna say that right off the bat because it would be easy for other people to dismiss themselves and say, I never go through that. I'm not as strong as Pastor Mary. Well, I, by nature am. Am not either. Yeah. But in. In a dire moment, I.

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I'm just grateful I did make a decision. Yeah. So thank you for that.

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So what I want to talk about today in the podcast booth here is how to be a support for your spouse when your spouse is going through something. Yeah. Going through a rough time. So you were there for me. But, you know, I. I was with a couple of guys this week, and both of them, one was going through something, and the other had a spouse, a wife who was just experiencing something.

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So. And I'm not talking about a life and death situation. It could be something as simple as a slip and fall like you did, where now your shoulders fractured and I'm here to help support you through it. It could be something that's business related, where your spouse is handling something on the job, right. Husband or wife or lost their job, lost their job, going through something in their career that they're having to deal with. Or it could be, you know, the loss of one of your spouse's parents. Yeah. Or maybe surgery or anything like that. Right. When your spouse is going through something like this, let's talk about how the other spouse can help support them. Even life changes, like getting older, Right. Just aging, but especially when there's crisis, something going on, boom, something happens. How do we support each other through it when I'm not the one going through it, but I'm the one that's sitting there watching you go through it right now. I have to be there for you. So I want to talk about that because I'm afraid some spouses, couples, when they go through a difficult time, I'll tell you, just from a guy's perspective, it's easy to think, well, I got the kids, they're going to help mom get through it.

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Right. I got to take care of my job, I got to take care of my, my ministry. I got to take care of me and my life. Right.

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Because by nature, we may not be a caretaker.

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It's easy for us to just think somebody else will step in, her mother will step in and help her go. Through her sister, their friends. But how important is it for the spouse to take care, you know, of the other when the other is going through it? And I say that because we're one when we get married. That's right. A husband and wife become one.

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And you can't expect total healing for someone that's your spouse if only 50% of the person is there.

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So you can't give up your space. Personally speaking, I think it's my goal, my responsibility, which then becomes my goal to make sure that if you're going through something, I got to be there with you to help you get through it. And it's a pain because I'd rather go ahead and let the girls do it who are much more into taking care of their mom. But I can't do that. So I have to step up and be that support for you and say to my job for a minute, say to whatever my activities are, let me put all that on hold because an accident or whatever it is I need to be there for and I'm going to Speak from my side of the table.

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My wife, I got to be there for her. And why is that important? I think it's important because it really shows that love and that care for your spouse. When you do go through something as a married person, you aren't going through it on your own. And it's not really fair to default to family members when it puts you out. That's not right. That's your spouse. That's your loved one, whether they're going through something emotionally, psychologically, physically, circumstantially, that is your. Your spouse. And before God, you made a covenant with that person. You are one, as you said. So when she's hurting, you're hurting. When he's hurting, you're hurting. Right? And the truth of the matter is, I think those are the circumstances where we really do form a union and a really sweet covenant with each other when the other one's down and you know your spouse is on your side. Something we like to say, some of the those of us ladies who've been friends a long time and we've talked at a couple of the wedding showers to the brides, and Melanie Gomez is the first one to have brought this. This phrase up. And it's so good. She said, I know that when Tony's down, whether it's a job situation, if I'm not Team Tony, it's going to bring a lot of pressure and pain to my marriage. But I don't care if I don't understand it, if I can't relate to it. I put my Team Tony T shirt on, and I am Team Tony. Whether he broke his leg or he's just having a hard day, I am Team Tony. And the difference that that makes is night and day. Well, you know, we say, okay, men aren't naturally nurturing, but women aren't naturally understanding with their husbands. Women can be very nurturing, but if they're going through something emotionally, their husbands are, and they don't understand it. They can almost be brutal at times.

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Like, what's going on with you? Figure it out. Come on. Stop it. You're being a grumpy. And that has really.

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That painted such a beautiful picture of when you're team Mary.

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There's just something that happens in our marriage, in our relationship that brings such a confidence that I know you've got my back. If my arm's broken, you're going to be the one that gives me my medication. You're going to be the one that says, I got Mom. I'll make sure she has her water at night. She's got, you know, and the care that that extends, it just goes such a long way because there's healing in that.

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And you feel like, man, whatever problems I have just gone, are going away because my man's got me or my husband, my wife's got me, you know, and it's just. It's just a beautiful picture of really loving each other the right way. Right. Tying your shoes. You've had to tie my shoes. I had to tie your shoes. I've had to do a lot of things I don't want to mention on this podcast. You had to do a lot of things for me. That's cool. Tell me, though, what does it say to the kids? Oh, man, it really.

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It says to the kids, first of all, they raise the level of their own expectation of what to look for in a spouse if they're not married.

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But they also learn how you treat your spouse, how you love your spouse.

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Because I think one of the worst things that we and I have experienced over the years in pastoring and being with. Past being with couples is that caustic sarcasm that we hear from other couples. Oh, he's never gonna. He would never help me do that. Or he would never put gas in my car, or he would. Now. My husband would never. And they. They don't realize it erodes your modeling of marriage for your kids, how much you can do that and still stay married. But how much more beautiful is it that you show to your kids a relationship that is so caring for one another and nurturing for one another? That's my husband.

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That's my wife. Before you were our kids, we had each other before you were in this world. And I think it just makes your kids see you as mom and dad in such a beautiful light of what they want to be and what they want to have. Yeah, they need to see that the husband and wife, they're the. It's not an arrangement. It's a covenant. It's a covenant. And a covenant means I got to be there with you for you, because you were there for me. I got to be there for you. We. It's just something that. That we have to deal with so it doesn't have to be a crisis. Could be business related. It could be, you know, something just physical, thrown out back, whatever. Okay.

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There's a difference between babying a person, pampering them. You know, you don't. Hopefully, you're not the kind of spouse that needs pampering. You're secure in yourself. Enough to know that, you know, we're together, we're both strong. 50, 50.

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Coming into the marriage is only a matter of the two become one. So it takes 50, 50 to complete to make one. But when you come to the table, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, sexually, it should be 100. 100. You got to give yourself 100% to your spouse if you're going to have a healthy marriage, not just an arrangement, if you're going to have a covenant. Because a covenant means I'm there through thick and thin, whether I want to or not, sacrifices attached to and so forth. If you. If I'm hurting, you're hurting. If you're hurting, I'm hurting. That's if your schedule's interrupted. So mine. Exactly. All right. Now my routine's a little different. I can't go to counseling tonight because I have to hang out.

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Counseling is code word for hanging out with the boys that sometimes my connect. Group. Yes. That I have. So I can't go to counseling tonight because I got to stay home with. With Mary to make sure that, you know, we're. We're getting her fed and I'm taking care. She needs my help. She needs me. So here's a few things I think that are important, that if we're going to be there for one, I think, one, you have to be understanding. Yeah. And when I say that, what I mean is you have to look at your spouse and say about them in your mind, it's okay that right now they're not 100%.

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It's okay that they're not. Well, right now it's okay. Because what you're sometimes accustomed to doing is thinking, you know, my spouse needs to be taking care of themselves. They need to be all in. So they're going to have to carry their load and so forth. Well, what happens when they can't?

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Do you think less of them? Right. Do you immediately say, oh, they're just like my father. Yeah. Or they're just like their mother.

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Their mother. Right. No, I think you need to be more respectful. Yeah. And say to them, I understand right now you can't do your part. And I'm all right with that. And I'm not going to look at it like you've interrupted my life.

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You're being interrupted. Right. You're. You're being put out because of whatever this issue is. So I understand right now I. I'm here for you. Yeah. You need me.

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I think that's good. You know, understanding is something that can be so lost in marriage and One of the things you and I have talked about, even for our own relationship as we're cresting 35 years, friendship, being friends. And sometimes in marriage, we can treat our spouse so horribly like they're not our friends. And we'll take food to our friends who's been in the hospital. We'll call our friend.

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Is there anything you need from me? How can I help you? We'll tell our other people. Friends in our lives, man, my friend is hurting. She had surgery or she's going through something. Let's pray for her. And yet, zero compassion for our own spouse. Yeah, zero compassion.

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And we're not talking about, like you said, the needy spouse. It's always.

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We're talking about how in the life of a marriage, when things happen to each other, you can develop patterns where you're not understanding. So if I don't understand what you're going through, then I'm not going to help you because I don't understand it. Get it together. What's wrong with you? Why are you going through that? Yeah, well, I fractured my humorous. Well, I didn't. Yeah, Come on. We got things to do.

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Let's go. Or. How cruel. That was stupid. Why would you trip? How could you trip? Trust me, I'm saying all those things to myself.

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Yeah, but we can be kinder to our friends and horrible to our own spouse who we are one with.

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Yeah. So understanding is really not something that you. You. I might not understand. Yeah, I don't understand.

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You might not understand right now why my arm still hurts so bad. Yeah, but it does. Get over it already, will you? It's been two weeks, right? It's only been two weeks. Yeah, but that's, you know, we. We laugh.

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We use that as an example. But there are deeper emotional things that couples go through that you don't understand what the other cup.

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The other spouse is going through. If they. They lost their job and you're the personality that the sun's always shining. You always find good in the bad.

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Well, your husband's or wife's personality might not be like that.

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Yeah. So you don't understand. I don't understand why you're losing your faith. I don't understand why you're acting so upset about it. God's gonna provide. Well, that's annoying to the person that's going through something. It just needs a minute to process. Yeah. So understanding. Huge. Neither here nor there about empathy. Because I think we also need to be empathetic when our spouse is going through something. Yeah, we've got to be able to give them some space and just be empathetic towards it. I do too. Because sometimes that's all you need is a couple days just to process and get through feeling whatever it is you're feeling. And a person that really loves you, gives you that space and doesn't judge you through that space.

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I remember hearing this a few years ago, really a great quote. Wives how they would approach their spouse going through something. And the two words they used were, if you need to address it or approach them about it, is there grace for that right now in the season they're in and is the timing right? So be very careful what you're going to say, think about what you're going to say if you're going to say it.

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And is there grace for that person, your spouse, to hear it? Because you can really be going through it and you already know, you know, like with this arm. Spell that out a little bit though. Okay, so like my arm, right when we're in the emergency room and I'm in agonizing pain, that is not the time for you to say to me, how could you do this? On the day that my book comes in and we have this unboxing, didn't you think you should not wear those rubber soled shoes walking around carpet? How could you treat. You could have gone into. You would never. I'm just using this as an example. Yeah. I said something actually when you were laying on the floor. I thought it was a joke. Nobody got it, so it didn't land. Oh. And you said. Oh, you remember that, huh?

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Yeah, because the. You had to steal my thunder. Thunder today. Yeah, I was kidding. Yeah, but not the time. Okay, timing.

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There you go. Timing. Okay, you were joking, but the timing was bad because I'm moaning and crying in agony and pain. Oh, you had to steal my thunder. So you were joking, but whatever. Okay, so that's another thing.

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Yeah, don't do that. But that's the whole picture. Sometimes with our spouses we want to rush in and be aggressive about something, to think we're going to snap them out of it when they're going through something and they need time is the grace for that there is the timing. Right. To make that statement or to say that sometimes it's okay to give your spouse 48 hours to just process and give them some space. That goes back though, I think to that friendship thing. If you'll see your spouse, treat them like you would your friend under those circumstances, you're going to handle it better. Which Then I think you need to be patient.

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Yeah. With time, you got to give, you got to give your spouse time to sort things out. Yeah.

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So they may not be responding right away like you want them to, like you think they should, but that patience on your part to say, all right, they're in this funk, they're in this hole, they're, they're feeling physically, they just can't handle it. Yeah, he should get up and go to work. But maybe it's just he's not ready yet. Maybe he needs to feel 100% before we just be patient and let your spouse just sort some things out.

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Especially if it's one of those life altering, career altering deals, if they were let go, downsized in the company.

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You know, there's a lot on a man's side. I'll tell you. Ego has a lot to do with us responding to things in life. And if our ego has been bruised in the slightest, something's happened that could cause our egos to be bruised. A man's going to go through a real challenge here. Absolutely. He feels like he's got to control things he wants to provide. And if that's upset in the slightest, his ego is going to be bruised. So just be patient, give them time to sort some things out. And you know, pressure in a marriage reveals itself in different ways from husband to wife. And a husband can be under pressure and it reflects very differently. And a wife might not understand and not realize, okay, he's under pressure right now, let me back off. Vice versa. She's got the kids all over her. She's got pressures I don't have because we view the world differently. We view the expectations of our kids and our day, just the expectations of our day so differently. And patience is required under pressure. You've got to be patient with your spouse if they're going through something. And it works both ways. So when you're loving and patient, it all eventually comes out anyway. You know, one of the things that I remember Kathy Hayes telling me, it's so important for wives if they live with a spouse that's a very driven personality that when they're going through a storm, you don't understand. Don't get in the storm with them. Somebody's got to stay in a place of peace. So just don't get in the storm. And sometimes as young wives, we think, I'm going to fix you and I'm going to change you and I'm going to talk you out of it.

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Instead of just being patient and letting the process happen. You jump in that storm, and before you know it, you're in a fight, you're crying, you're mad, and I'm just trying to help you. Well, that's not your. That's not your role. Right. Just let patience work, have her perfect work, because there's pressure here right now.

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And you. You come through the storm, you get out of the hormonal crazy, you do come through, and your spouse is there waiting for you on the other side. You ready to go now? And that's just such a beautiful way to treat one another. Right?

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Which then. I think being supportive when a person's going through something is really important. I say that because there's a tendency to put yourself in the middle of it, to make it about you, when in a moment like that, you need to make it about them. Yeah, it's true. So I can't be needy. Like, oh, my gosh, I'm not getting my needs met right now because of this disruption in our flow of life because of what they went through. Sure.

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You can't be needy. You got to look at the person that's in need.

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So to be supportive of your spouse when they're going through a hard time is to say, I'm not going to make anything about me right now. Right. Because this isn't the time. This is about them. Let me help navigate them through whatever they're feeling or whatever times needed for healing. Let me. Let me give them some space, and I'll tell you right now, in our culture down here in South Florida, with all of my dear Latin brothers that are, you know, all machismo, it's all about the man. Okay? That's something where they have to get better in because they can't sit back and think at this point when their spouse is going through something. They just need to get over it because, hey, I got to go on with my life. We got to go. No, slow down for a minute.

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This may not be your go to. You may not be the touchy feely kind of guy. Okay.

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And everything's probably been about you. She makes your food, makes your bed, takes care of your schedule, all that kind of stuff for you. So when she's going through something, it's. It's. You gotta. You gotta put a pause on that.

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Right. You're a better support system when you say, babe, what do you need from me? Yeah. And I would even say, ask that question. Yeah. You know, do you want to be alone in the room?

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Yeah. Or do you want me to sit next to you? Yeah. Do you want me to watch? What do you want to watch? You know, if you're on the mend and you're relaxing. Okay. Do you want me around or do you want me to just close the door and I'll throw you something when you need it? Am I getting on your nerves? You need me to back up? You know, what do you want? Yeah. No. Are you hungry?

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Hey, babe, what do you. Okay, what do you want from Doordash? Or, you know, what do you want me to go pick up? Be supportive.

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Right. And just don't make it about yourself. Which then let's also include. Be prayerful. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pray for your spouse. Yeah, pray for your spouse when they're going through something. You know, you. You pray for me all the time. I pray for you all the time. There's something so powerful about just stopping because it's a humbling experience. It.

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What it gives to the atmosphere of your home and of your marriage.

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Words cannot do alone, but the posture of prayer.

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I am asking God to help my spouse is the most beautiful display of love and care. And you have always exemplified that in our family.

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Praying for your children and praying for us. And that's true leadership, I think, too. Well, they all say. We all say trust God, right? Well, sometimes I got to trust you to God. Yes.

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Yes. So God knows you and what your needs are more than I do, and I'm okay with that. He knows the deep needs that you have, the hidden secrets of your heart. So when you're going through something like this, hey, maybe it's God trying to teach you something. Yeah, it's true. Maybe God's trying to show you something.

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Don't interrupt the process. Don't interrupt. Pray for him. I got to sit back and say, yeah, as much as I trust God here, I want to trust you.

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That's right. To God, because God's going to get in there and work it out.

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And now if we flip it from a. How does a wife respond to a husband who's going through a midlife crisis, going through a career change, going through a hit, problems with his parents, money issues. You know, that is a great place for a wife to come alongside of her husband and just let him know, hey, I'm praying for you. Yeah, I'm with you on this. And I know God's gonna. Here's what I think is great to be able to say to your husband, especially if he's a godly man. I know God's going to direct you. Right. That's Very good if I know that. Because you know what that immediately does to me when you tell me that, wow, I'm a man of faith. I got this. Yes. I don't know exactly what to do tomorrow, but keep praying for me, babe.

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I'm going to help find the answer as we go on.

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Which then I would say to support. Your spouses are going through something like a difficult time. Be close.

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We are one. And I can't separate from you when you're going through a difficult time or else you're operating at 50% energy and power. Yeah, it's true.

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And sometimes it's easy to back away because if I'm not the nurturing type, that's not my go to.

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It's easy to pull back and think somebody else is going to fill the void.

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But yet we're one. So if we're one, the only way to help you be a hundred percent to get through it is to be present with you, be close. Absolutely. That's so important.

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And it also shows that the only thing that matters to me is you. Not my needs, not what I had my expectation in this marriage to be. And now you are falling below the line of my expectation because you're going through something. You really do learn what selflessness is.

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When your spouse goes through something, when they take the hit, you take it too.

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You're in this together. You don't isolate yourself and say he's going through something or she's going through something. And I think that's something that needs to also be spoken to.

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It goes back to understanding. Yeah. Whether you understand or not makes no difference. Stay close to your spouse.

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Love your spouse. Be there for them. You don't have to understand. It's not always on you to fix your spouse.

00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:11.359
Just be there and just love them. And it makes a world of difference. And the last one, Be a confidant.

00:29:11.359 --> 00:30:25.210
Yeah. Yeah. When we go through a hard time, sometimes that's when we're our most vulnerable and we wrestle with thoughts that are not necessarily truth. And we need to know what to do with those thoughts. And the best thing to be able to do is bounce them off somebody. And the spouse should be the confident that they bounce them off of and not freak out when they do. Well, can I tell you that in the book, when you start sharing about your honest feelings and thoughts, I'll be. And I. And I've shared this with you before, that when you started doubting, you started saying things to me about faith and God and how could God do this? And you were really saying things that scared me. Sure. What I had to step back and say was, well, at least he's confiding in me. Yeah. These are deep, dark thoughts he's processing and he's confiding with me. He doesn't necessarily have to mean it. And I don't have to talk him out of these thoughts and these feelings. He's saying them out loud. I'm a confidant. That means I'm a place that he trusts. I'm a person he trusts with his deepest, darkest fears. And that's a beautiful gift.

00:30:25.690 --> 00:31:05.910
And I had to restrain myself from trying to talk you through your process. Or running to mom and saying, oh my God, Steve's. We're losing Steve. I don't understand what he's saying. You don't share those details with other people in me. Only you hold them in. That's right. And again, you want to talk about what do I, what do I pray about? Hey, those are the things you pray about when they share with you. Stuff you don't understand, then that's. Those are things that you pray about. But be a confidant. He should not. She should not need a sister or a best friend or anybody else to. To bounce their thoughts off of. They're just thoughts. They're just thoughts. It's not true.

00:31:06.150 --> 00:31:43.480
It's. It's just thoughts. And that's how. That's the enemy plays with us. That's how life plays with us. When you go through something that's difficult, you. You're introduced to some of your weaknesses, right? Your limitations. And if you're introducing limitation, the weaknesses, you don't hang out at limitation or weakness too often. But when you're forced to do it because of a life altering event or a career altering event, then you're stuck there. And you can't help but have these thoughts that you have to process. And there's nobody else that you should be processing them to then. Your spouse.

00:31:43.480 --> 00:31:58.039
Exactly. And if you can be that kind of support for each other and be friends, then yes, over time, yes, you're going to walk through that. So, Mary, how do we know all of this? You know, it's because we went through it. Right.

00:31:58.039 --> 00:32:43.640
And 42, when that heart attack hit, and life and death. Yes. And world seemed to be crazy, going upside down, you know, put everything in perspective. You were that support. You were that support. And with every kid, when you were on your back, I took you as my support. I mean, I needed to be your support. When everything that you would go through from the loss of your father to the loss of that marriage with your mom and dad. Early on I knew I'm Mary's support. I needed to be that and I didn't want your mom to be a support more than me or your twin sister. To be more of a support. That's right. And definitely not your kids to be more of a support. You're my wife.

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You're my responsibility. I took you as my own.

00:32:47.720 --> 00:33:53.779
Better for worse, richer for poorer. Sickness, sickness and in health. All those vows, they weren't just words, they're coveted. So we need to be with each other when we go through the hard times. So hopefully today's podcast has been an encouragement to you, especially if you're married and you're going through some things together. Our prayer is that you will have a rich, healthy, prosperous marriage and be each other's great support. Thanks for joining us today. You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business podcast with the Alessis and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our pawdience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alessifamilybusiness.com and tap the Ask the Alessies button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question and we can add your voice to our conversations.

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