A New Season! How to Let Go of Your Kids and Hold On to What Matters

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Anyway, wait a minute. You're gonna tell me my conversation I had with a couple was worse than the conversation you and the girls had last night with our daughter?

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Yeah. That was. What how to be ready for her honeymoon night. And all of that was awesome. That's not stressful? Not at all.

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Hello and welcome to a new season of the Family Business podcast with the Alessi's man. We are so glad to have you join us, Mary. Yes, we are. It's a new season. It's a new season.

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Season eight. Season eight. I can't believe we have this much to talk about. There is a lot to talk about. And it just keeps piling up with more conversation to have. Well, the good thing is we like something fresh. We want to do something new. There's new information out there, new events that are happening that we have to respond to.

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Plus there's new seasons of our own life that we'll talk a little bit about today. But we're glad that you're joining us and we want to thank you for staying with us. Listen, we are over 200 episodes strong. That's amazing. Season number eight.

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That is amazing. And it's amazing because what we hear is that the average podcast only tapes like seven episodes. If they do 20 or more, they're like in the top percentile. Yeah. So that's pretty crazy.

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We're over 200. And according to YouTube numbers, we have just learned more or less that we are closing in on 1 million views of our YouTube channel with the Alessi family business.

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Thank you to our pawdience for that. Yeah, thank you, thank you. And if you're enjoying us enjoying it, please, here's two things you can do. Keep sharing what we're talking about and in our show with other people because we got some. Our kids are going to be a lot more involved. Our adult kids are going to be a lot more involved in this season eight because they are experiencing the whole family business dynamic. So it's really cool there. But also, look, we'd like to keep you informed even more. And if you'd like to find out more information, then we can get you in our newsletter and you can find it at alessifamilybusiness.com newsletter. That's a lessy family business.com newsletter. There it is. Read it. Can you see it? I couldn't. Wow. Little tiny print right there.

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My glasses definitely need to be upgraded. Well, it has been eight seasons. It's been a while. Thank you very much. You know, well, we'd love to go Ahead and have you join us even more and share this with others. You got a great story to tell about somebody who actually comes to the church as a result. What was that about? Well, this Sunday or recently, we had someone that went through our steps program, which is our growth track. And when they came off the stage, I went to greet them to say welcome, you know, and I didn't really know them, but they said first words out of her mouth were, I have not missed one episode of the Alessi Family Business podcast. As a matter of fact, she said, I have gone back and listened to every single one and it's changed my life.

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Thank you. And it just stopped me in my tracks because I know people listen to it, we see the numbers, but it's really a wonderful thing to meet and greet somebody that the first words out of their mouth when you meet them is to say thank you for the podcast and how much it's changed their life and that they listen to all 200 episodes. That's pretty incredible. So thank you, thank you, thank you to those of you who are making our podcast such a wonderful success. And it's hopefully and prayerfully helping you in your home, in your family and your marriage and your parenting and even just dealing with some of the crises that are going on in the world today. Because in eight seasons, it'd be interesting to go back and just do like an abbreviated version to see a synopsis of what has happened in our world since we started this podcast. I don't think I want to either. I changed my mind. I was looking at some of the old podcast that we had on and, man, am I glad that that that hairstyle has changed. Lost a little more weight.

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Thank God that those. Some of those old podcasts. Yeah.

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Shows how well we're getting better. We're getting better.

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Podcasts are getting better. We're getting better. We're looking. And there's even more to talk about now than there were eight seasons ago.

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Yeah. Well, let me get some shout outs. We're here. Big thank yous. I want to thank A.P. he's right here. Alan Paul, he helps us get all of this done. Ashley is behind the keyboard back there or the soundboard. She is helping us with all the recording. John Roman is helping us make sure equipment is being updated. And we've got some new things in the studio. Thanks to also a George Bernal. George, you know who you are. Thank you. Part of what we do here at our church on Sundays, and you've given us the Midas touch. You've come in and helped us just design and help us get the facility looking even better.

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So thank you, all of you, for making it happen and of course, our pawdience for enjoying this information that we're able to put out there. We want to answer questions people are asking. Yeah, we really do. And try to stay, at least from our perspective, Mary, when we talk as a family, try to stay as transparent and real as possible. We may not always get it right with our views and our opinions, but it's working for us. Yeah. We may not always have an opinion that the audience is going to agree with.

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And that's all right. It's okay. Hey, our church family is like that. Not everybody who comes through our church doors are robots just saluting us. Yes, I like that. I'll take it, I'll do it, I'll obey it, whatever. Right. They don't follow that lead. So everybody's got their own views, own opinions. That doesn't make us insecure one bit.

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No, we like that that you can share those values and views as long as. And our goal is always this. As long as what we're doing. Our values are our morals. They're backed by biblical principles that we found. They're just a real strong foundation. Yeah. That we've been able to build our lives on. And hopefully what our conversations do for people that are listening and are like minded, it brings them a sense of peace and order to the chaos. Because that's something that we search to do, is find peace and find order with all that's going on. And not just in the world, but even in the family, how do you bring us into peace? We've lived a long time. We've been through a lot. We've seen a lot. Something else that's been interesting is that our long play version has actually done better than our 30 minute segments. So we're going to stay with that. And because I think there's just so much to say about different subjects and when we rush it, we don't really get into that relaxed state of really talking and sharing from our heart.

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So that's been a very interesting turn of events to see our numbers dramatically climb with a longer podcast play. Okay, so let's get into it because the one thing I don't like about podcast is it takes so long of introduction to get to the subject matter. But we had a lot to take care of. All right, so here's where we want to go today.

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It's a new season, not just for the podcast, but for our lives. Okay. So I've been struggling with two big changes that have come up I'm facing in my life. Okay. So I'm going to be 65 in November. Yes, you are. Right.

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So two things are showing me my age.

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Okay. And it's not my hair, because thankfully I got a new do. But the first is, you know, I'm a Medicare recipient now. Ouch.

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Oh, gone it, Mary. I had to sign up for Medicare.

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Yeah. I'm a. I'm. That's terrible. So I feel. I feel kind of ancient. I feel kind of old. And I just got the card in the mail.

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Having to make sure we do it all the right way. And if you haven't signed up and you're up 65, you're right there. You need to go ahead and check your insurance. All that kind of stuff's going on, and there's a lot of hoops to jump through. So this segment has come to you by Medicare. Yeah. So that's kind of crazy. I hate that because I definitely feel old. And in order to be on Medicare. Oh, no. I had to sign up.

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And I brought you in with me as a co member to aarp. Seriously? Yes. I have been getting information about it for years. I'm like, I'm not old enough yet. And now all of a sudden, I'm old enough. Wait a minute. Are there discounts? Yeah.

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Is there someone right now? So you're. I'm good with it. You're a part of the membership. Let's go. You're not in your 60s. Save some money. AARP. So we. We may be able to get your 4% discount at the hotel. Okay.

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So that's the first thing that's making me feel kind of old. The second thing is this. And this is where I'd like our conversation to go.

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We're marrying off our youngest child, our daughter Gabby. Yeah.

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Now that. That. That's a big shocker. Yes. We have one more that is, like, in the wings, but this coming Friday, and I'll date this, this episode.

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Yeah. We're going to marry off our youngest daughter. Yeah.

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Now she's 25. Yeah. And I don't feel old by her age, you know, because she's 25. But the fact that she's leaving us. Yeah. Now I'm feeling old. Yeah.

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It's like, wow, our baby daughter is going to be gone.

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I know. And by the way, I got a message I'm gonna speak about. It's like I got it from a country song, and it goes in with this whole Thing.

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Okay. And that is, there's no such thing as goodbye. Oh, stop.

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Oh. Why did you do that? Good about saying bye.

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Right. Why did you do that? Okay.

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All right. Let me recollect myself. These country music artists that write songs like that. Good Lord. Yep. There's nothing good about. I see. Who even.

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All my life. Yeah, I know. All my life. I know. I've written songs.

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I never saw that. Never put that together. Now you're listening to the wrong kind of music. You've got to go country. I can't listen to country music. I'd be a mess every single day. So she's gone.

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But here's the funny thing. She's gonna live one mile.

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We can walk to. We could walk to her house.

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And he's the baby. Christian's the baby of his family, too. And they could walk to his house. So they're not going far. No. But they are gone. They're out of the house. So leading up to these times in our life, that's. That's a message I'm actually going to be sharing this Sunday after. I won't be coming to church on Sunday. I'm going to stay home. I know. I will not be at church. Yeah.

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You know what it is, though? It's. It's like happy tears, and it's joyful tears.

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Can we stop and start over? I'm kidding. But it's also just the season that we know it introduces us to.

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What's that season?

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Well. It'S those years that, you know, raising your kids is behind you.

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We're trying to catch our breath. Yeah, I know, babe. And here's the thing. We're good parents, and it's been amazing to raise our kids, and it's been an awesome season to raise them not only in the ways that they should go, but also in kind of the antithesis of some of our growing up years and making sure. Okay, I'm getting it together. I just needed that little. Come on, hurry. So much for that makeup. I'm telling you. Thank God for those just listening and those not watching. But actually, it's such a weird emotion. Right. Because it's not sad and it's not totally like an elation. It's this weird mix of the next season is upon us. And I don't know. I don't know that there's a. Nope. If there's a word to describe the. Emotion, but it's definitely mixed. It's mixed. It's. It's a mixed emotion. Now, here's the problem with A.

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Our. Our whole theme of, you know, family. Yeah.

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And us working together and then our church being. So relational focus. Everything is about relationship. Yeah. And that is. If I have one core value, it really is that one core value. Right.

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Understanding that because of the focus of relationship, we. We put such an emphasis on it. How to create good ones. Yeah. And. And to keep the family together. That's the first priority. Then keep, you know, friends that have been in our lives for so long, keep them all together.

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Then when there's a moment in the relationship where there is a change, where you're not as together as you once was. Right. Once were. Yeah. So as a family, you know, one of our kids, if they're ever given an opportunity to take a job elsewhere or they're married to a spouse, about taking, you know, having to move for a job or for work or for an opportunity, you know, that's where that whole dynamic shifts and changes. And it's not bad because people do it all the time. Sure. Kids move away from home. I mean, we took ours to college. You know, we. We are. They all pretty much studied here. Chris went for a year of college away. Stephanie went for an internship in Houston at Osteen's Lakewood Church. Lauren spent a season of semester in Hawaii. You know, we understand those temporary adjustments and moves that people have to make because you then separate from that relational thing that's constant. Right. But when the focus is always relationship, when these next seasons come and you have to say, all right, now we have to adjust because you're not in the home anymore. You're not coming down to kiss me in the morning.

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I know, I know.

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That's the hard part. The changes. Yeah. Well, the things that you're used to, like putting your shoes on, getting dressed, your routine, your children are part of your routine. And so, you know, here's the thing. They're feeling it, too.

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They're feeling it, too, because now they're embarking on this new world where mom and dad aren't there covering. Mom and dad aren't the first thing they see in the morning. Mom and dad aren't their pressure anymore. Life becomes their pressure. It's not us.

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It's bills and it's babies and it's expectations and it's one another. So, you know, it's that new season of life. And. And I think with the older two, when they started getting married, when all. I felt it with Stephanie more than I felt it with Chris, because with your son, it's like, get out there and make A way for yourself. You know, you're proud. But, man, I missed him, too, in a lot of ways. But the beautiful thing is somehow you transition to that new season and it becomes the new norm. And how quickly you forget about the way it used to feel.

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You know what I mean? It's just getting through the transition of it being. This is the end of one season into the next. That transition is hard. And I. I don't think we're normal if we don't let ourselves feel it all. I don't think it's good for us. Right. To just put a smile on and get busy and get through it. I think it's healthy to stop.

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As a matter of fact, this morning, Stephanie sent me a long text.

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Mom, you need to let yourself feel it all. You need to talk to your sister. You need to talk. And I appreciate it because she's standing at a different place looking at me, seeing that I'm a little bit scattered and it's emotional, and I appreciated that. Where she's at having now, she's married almost five years, she's got two kids, and she's looking at it now from a different vantage point. It's a healthy perspective to look at her mom and go, mom, let yourself go.

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Cry if you need to. Don't try to be everything to everybody and take some time for yourself. It's okay. And I just appreciated that. I thanked her for that because, you know, it is a lot to process, and we all process differently. So Gabby's processing differently. Lauren, who's still in the house, is processing differently. We're all just a big mixed bag of all these emotions, and if we're not careful, we can see them as unhealthy versus it's healthy and turn on one another. Right. And that's what we don't want to do. Well, I woke up Monday, and before I was woken a little earlier than I wanted to, and before I got out of bed, I did pray, and I prayed for our family. I prayed for Christian and Gabby as they prepare this week. I said my prayer was like, you know, let us just all peacefully embrace it. Yeah. Because we. We want the season to be so fun. We want the week of the wedding to be celebrated. We've done hundreds of weddings over the many years in our line of work, and we know some of the worst weeks are the week of the wedding, which is why we. We have our wedding rehearsal.

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Yep. About four days prior to the wedding. So that whatever we need to adjust, we don't have to do it the day before or the day of. We got a couple days in between. The goal ultimately is to make sure this week is enjoyed. So my prayer was, you know, help us, help us get a grip on it this week.

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Help Gabby and Christian feel the moment with.

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Without feeling the pressure so much. There is a lot of pressure to make sure the wedding is done right. And our daughter and Christian have done a phenomenal job of organizing this deal. And I was super proud of our daughter because she said to me yesterday when or even Saturday, I was making some adjustments at the reception. And she says, you know, that this is why I did all the work prior, so that if you threw me a curveball, we had to make last minute adjustments. I can handle that without the stress and the anxiety of all the other things that we had to organize. So she's done a phenomenal job. So my prayer was, let us, let us go through it peacefully without any family drama which usually occurs around a wedding. And there's always somebody in the family that's taking the attention off of the bride and the groom. If it's not the bride and the groom. And thankfully we don't have a bridezilla.

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So that was the prayer that we could address this, attack it in the right way and do it without the stress and the anxiety. Don't let it show on us. Well, listen, I don't think there's anything more stressful than a wedding moving.

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We know there's like five things that they tell you that add so much stress on top of your already stressful life. And weddings can do that. Even the best unions. What are those? So get it. Death was one of them. Divorce was.

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Divorce is another one. Marriage, weddings, Moving, moving. And there's one more. Well, remember there was five. I think it was a job, something with a career. Oh, career changes. Yeah. Major, major stress inducers that just deplete you. Right. The.

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The chemicals that's needed to cope. Right? Absolutely. So think of this young couple. They're not only getting married, they're moving. Right. And they're moving is they had bought a house and we're all working together to help remodel the whole home. We've gutted it, now we're remodeling it. This couple's having to do two things. That deplete their adrenal glands and then. They'Re supposed to go and honeymoon after it's all over. It's tough. So that's where I was thinking, you know, if there's any struggle, anything that would cause to be you know, any strife, anything that would cause strife. Let.

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Let's just deal with it when we get back, when they get back in town.

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Right. Because there's a whole lot of stuff that's going to wait for them. Life's going to be waiting for them after the little honeymoon that they're going to be taken together so they'll get back and then we can get ticked at them and yell at them for not doing exactly, you know, but right. Now, wait for them to get home to. We're going to do it now. I did notice this because I want to be self aware.

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I did notice that you didn't like me playing with my shoes. You're playing with his shoelace. I did notice that I would be under a certain level of stress. So I was like, lord help me, because I just want to be aware of what may tick me off, what may set me off, what may trigger. Trigger whatever that looks like. Let me be aware. Is it going to be an unexpected bill that all of a sudden pops up? Right. Is it going to be a family member, you know, that shows up? That whatever. Is it going to be a delay in somebody's travel plans, we're going to have to shift and so on and so forth.

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I wanted to make sure I was being prepared so I wouldn't take the attention off of the couple or put more stress on the couple. Yeah. So we're day two. How are we doing? I think we're doing great. I'm all right.

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I think you're doing really good. The conversation last night was probably heavy, but it worked out good. Yeah. It was about budget. It was about money. Money, man. That should be number six. Talking about money is stressful.

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So stressful again. Well, look at this couple. They're. They're trying to.

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We got a lot of money out there with the wedding. Yeah.

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Going on. How much does that cost? Right. And then they got a house they're building and so they got to make sure that, you know, now they're coming to their honeymoon. Where the money. Where's the money from the honeymoon coming? I mean, they just went out and bought their bands on their, you know, for her engagement ring. Got her. Her band and he got his. So we're looking at their money and making sure they're gonna. Only you. Only you would say at 10 o' clock at night, four days before the wedding. Let's sit down and be realistic about money. And get terrified. Missteps.

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Probably. Probably. Actually, you know, they. Hey, I was telling them, do you got your Money set up for an offering. Don't you. This is good to you now you bring an offering. Listen, they. They respond to it, so. Well, I. As we were watching the dolphin game, we all kept looking over our shoulder. Oh, we scored. Cool. So it wasn't that heavy.

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Okay, good. No, you know, being realistic is also important. And being aware and being guarded. But, you know, four days before the wedding.

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Anyway. Wait a minute. You're gonna tell me my conversation I had with a couple was worse than the conversation you and the girls had last night with our daughter?

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Yeah. That was. What, how to be ready for her honeymoon night and all. It was awesome. That's not stressful? Not at all. How is that talking sex and all that to a virgin compared.

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Hello? Compared to money, I think money is. Hey, listen, listen, listen. If it's stressful to talk about that, it's only on her.

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Now, the money, they're both stressed. Oh, see, okay, you're just trying to divert. I know you. Oh, my.

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Well, they can handle it. You know what I notice about them? Hold on a second. I want to say this. These moments of pressure really show you what you're made of. They really, really do. And some people are built for pressure.

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Some people aren't. And you don't know until you're tested, until you feel pressure.

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So, you know, as parents, we still maintain our role as parents. And the times that I hated when my mom and my stepfather would put pressure on us, or your mom and your dad would put pressure on us. And in the moment, I hated it. I always rallied because I knew they were right. And I would want to. For us to kind of raise to the level of their expectation. It made us who we are today. And there are days, Steve, I missed that.

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Yeah. Because just. You had it. You had a ceiling that you were always trying to please.

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Here I go. I'm gonna start crying again. Change the subject.

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Yeah, but it's. It's good for them. It's good for young.

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Young people to understand that life is full of pressure.

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How are you going to manage pressure? It's just pressure.

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It's not anxiety. It's not depression. It's not stress. You aren't doing it wrong if you feel pressured. As a matter of fact, you're doing it right. And pressure shows you're doing things at a high level. Because pressure creates diamonds. Diamonds. Pressure creates beautiful things. And if the next generation is trying to run from pressure, well, don't get married. Stay in your little nine to five and don't ask or want Anything more than what you have right now. Right. Because what will create all of those things that are beautiful, but at the end of it, you look back over in your life and you go, man, look at what I've accomplished. Look at what we've been able to do together. Just know each and every moment and each and every season or experience that you walk through will be filled with pressure, which will lead to conflict. But you'll fight together and you'll make a beautiful life with a lot to show for it. Yeah. So that's my little mini sermonette right there. Oh, that's a good one.

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All right. Here's the real important question, though. This is heavy, man. How's your dress going to look on you? Beautiful. Are you talking about my.

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The fact that we ate pizza last night? No. Just so you know, I didn't eat it. I. How's it going to look? You feel good about.

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I feel. I feel great in my dress. Helped you with that one.

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Brides of Florida. Brides of Florida. Thank you so much. To brides of Florida, Mackie and Ben and Priscilla, who own that place. And they said come. And they. They blessed me and Maria, which is Christian's mom, with the most beautiful dresses. And.

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No, it looks beautiful. Yeah. They also provided Gabby's wedding dress. Wedding dress. She's stunning. As she. As they did Stephanie and Rochelle. All right, so guess what? That takes a lot of the pressure off. Huge. So along the way, when you have pressure situations, God blesses you with things that just take a little bit. Take the pressure out just a little bit. And they definitely did that. They did. They helped financially to help take. Yes. And they celebrated. It was so smooth. So. So much so. And little Gianna, she's three. And she. She went with us and just ran up and down that little catwalk in front of the mirror and tried on dresses, too. So cute. Yeah. What a memory. Well, good thing is I had a tux a few years ago for Christopher's wedding.

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I had the tux made and I mean, all these years I've been in tuxedos doing weddings and things that never had a tux made just for me. So finally got it done. A guy helped me out talking about a financial blessing as well. So I went to put it back on a few weeks ago, and it's super big.

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Jeepers, look at you. Look at you. Slim.

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So all that's done. I got my tux size, the jacket. The pants are pretty much the same, but the jacket. Good. So I'm ready to go. Let's go pull out those patent leather shoes and.

00:29:16.390 --> 00:29:19.109
Should look good. Yeah. And the nice black tie.

00:29:20.069 --> 00:29:23.549
You always look good in that. Christian's gonna be in white. He's gonna look great.

00:29:23.549 --> 00:29:42.640
Gonna look great. Nice black tie. He's gonna look sharp. And he's so stinking tall and handsome. So handsome. He's. They're gonna look, I mean, dynamic. It's gonna be a beautiful day. Can I just say though, the more we cry now, the better off it's going to be because that day. My fake eyelashes. I do not want caterpillars on my cheeks.

00:29:45.920 --> 00:30:00.319
I. It is not happening. Yeah. I am just going to cry now. So. So. Because they're happy tears. I'm glad you bring up that because last Tuesday was it that they were all at the house. Gabby did a run through with her hair and makeup.

00:30:00.319 --> 00:30:04.079
That was cool. That was great. We're all right there celebrating.

00:30:04.079 --> 00:30:14.390
It brought the young lady in to help with her hair. That's right. Just to avoid the chaos on the. Wedding day and the wedding week. No surprises before.

00:30:14.950 --> 00:30:50.170
Grandmammy was there to be a part of that. And the grandkids were there walking around looking at all of that. It was fun. It was. That's how you can enjoy that whole pre wedding thing without it just being a night, an event. You just spread it out over a few weeks. And it's smart to do that because the wedding goes by so fast. The whole season goes. It's like you're planning for a year and then all of a sudden it's over. What happened to the last week of the wedding? So that's why we did what we did last night with some of our close friends. We brought Gabby in the room, we had a few snacks and we said, let's just talk. What are your greatest fears?

00:30:50.170 --> 00:31:06.700
Let's just share. And it was so sweet. We said one hour. It turned out to be two hours. And it was such a sweet time. And she cried and we cried and it just lets a little bit of the air out of the balloon. I would strongly encourage all you moms out there who are marrying off your daughters have those moments.

00:31:07.099 --> 00:31:25.980
You take the lead. You know what I've learned with Rachelle being married and then Stephanie and now Gabby and Lauren will be right behind them, is if we don't take the lead as moms, then some of these beautiful moments that could help so much won't happen. And we don't know that we should take the lead in these moments.

00:31:25.980 --> 00:31:51.589
And so I just want to share that little tip before before the day gets going, before the week gets away from you, even two weeks out. Whatever. Take a night at your house. Don't make it a fussy event. Just have everybody over with coffee and pastry and just sit with the bride. The girls that matter, the people. Yes, she's gonna have her bachelorette, but we don't go to those as moms. And there's a lot I wanna share with my daughter.

00:31:51.990 --> 00:31:55.589
There's emotions I want her to see that I'm having about her.

00:31:55.839 --> 00:32:11.440
Yeah. And do that. When I. When I left last night, I thought, pro tip. Pro mom tip. Let's do that for our daughters, where we have a moment that we're helping them just process for a little while. Very. You know, it's important.

00:32:11.759 --> 00:32:15.599
I like that. I think that's important. You may want to.

00:32:15.839 --> 00:32:35.180
What's wrong with my hair? There you go. Well, everybody that is watching. All right, so here's. Can't see. Let's get into this subject, okay. Because we've talked about in a number of episodes ago, maybe a couple seasons ago, the leave and cleave thing, and it's a matter of leave and cleave or leave and grieve.

00:32:35.339 --> 00:33:12.700
You know, what. What does that look like to us at this season of life with this couple going forth, walking, you know, away into their new life and so forth. What is. What. What are we. How are we tackling that this time? Well, I think we've learned a lot with Christopher getting married and Stephanie getting married, and the healthy side of. We're always there as a covering, as well as his mom and dad. We're very blessed because we have his wonderful family that we've been friends with for many, many years.

00:33:13.099 --> 00:34:13.679
But for you and I, I think the leaving and cleaving is. It just continues that scripture verse that says, raise them up in the way that they should go, and that is letting them fly and be free without restraint, without our feeling like we're always either criticizing or feeling like we have to implement our advice. But we're here for it. We're here as counselors. We're there as participants for whatever they need, but also making sure that they're smart enough to surround themselves with young couples that can help them throughout the seasons of their life like we had, which was a blessing. How do you see that? Leaving and cleaving? Yeah, I see this as a. There's a. It's a scriptural prom principle that the scripture does tell us that when a man leaves his mother in father's house and a woman leaves her home that the two of them cleave.

00:34:13.760 --> 00:35:23.699
Yeah. They become one. And that is a principle that we see allows couples to go back to what the experience was in the Garden of Eden when God looked at Adam and said, it's not good that he's alone. He made him a health meat. So the two were one to complete one another. As of course, not to compete with one another, but to complete. Right. One another. So that's where that whole scriptural principle comes from. Yeah. Now, how does that play out? Because what some may think is that when they leave the home, that's it. There's. There's no more connection to the home base, no more connection to the father and the mother whatsoever. And then they just go on to build their own lives. Right. And part of that is true because it's on the couple now. Yeah. To start this fresh new life, their family, to build their legacy, their name and their legacy and so forth. The side that they also need to remember is that in the cle.

00:35:23.780 --> 00:35:50.670
In the leaving there, there's not the losing of where you've come from. Right. There's not totally walking away like now. You've got to begin again. Yeah. So to get a. A fresh start as a couple, to have a new beginning does not need that mean that you now have to begin again all by yourself. That's right.

00:35:50.909 --> 00:36:14.809
That hampers that. That hurts a young couple when they have the support in the experience and the wisdom of parents that have already built a platform upon which to now build your life on. In our case, we. We're. We're third. We're second generation of the. The family unit of building the name and so forth.

00:36:16.409 --> 00:36:51.559
And then now we see our kids doing this. What they should be able to do is build off of our platform to go even higher. The only way to get that done is to remain in that covering and support that is in place. So when I hear of the leave and cleave that we know couples are needing, what that says to me is look to one another now. Yeah. Of. For your support, for your love, for your affection.

00:36:52.920 --> 00:37:03.510
If a young girl has been mothered or too daddy. Too father. Yeah. Yeah. She can't go back and look for that affection from her parents.

00:37:03.909 --> 00:37:10.550
Right. Parents is always going to give that to her, but she can't go and look for that as her soul.

00:37:11.590 --> 00:37:15.349
It's on the husband's role now. It's on his. His shoulders.

00:37:15.349 --> 00:37:18.710
That's right. His responsibility. He's providing that for her. That's right.

00:37:19.269 --> 00:37:34.599
And if the Son or now the groom. The husband has been used to being overly parented, provided for financially. No.

00:37:34.599 --> 00:37:38.400
Now there's, there's a shift. Now it's on you.

00:37:38.400 --> 00:37:42.000
That's right. Now you start this. Okay.

00:37:42.320 --> 00:38:33.190
I've got to be the provider of my household. That's right. I can't go back to dad and mom. No. To pay my bills. My future with my wife is going to depend on my ability to now be the provider. That's right. And now where my affections are from my parents, to be the pat on the back to go forth, now let me go conquer this world. Now I don't get it from them, I get it from my wife. Right, right. And so the leave and Cleave is starting and stepping into this new season of your life, but with the momentum of your family and your upbringing helping you go forward. That's good. Now it doesn't mean you now walk away and say, I have no other ties with you. I'm doing my own thing.

00:38:33.190 --> 00:39:19.170
And you know, hey, it's been great. And now saying it's all on me. Well, to a certain extent it is. But then to the other extent, it's like, wait, take advantage of the covering. That's it. And the platform and the legacy and the foundation and stay close to that. Yeah. Because that's going to bless you in the future. It will. It's going to help you build even more in the future. And you're honoring where you've come from so you'll be blessed where you're going. And I was getting a picture in my mind when you're talking that it's like there's an emotional placenta that some young people still have attached to their parents. Even some young couples living with their parents.

00:39:19.489 --> 00:40:44.849
It gets one sided. That can happen. And you can do that if you live in a city like Miami. And it's tough and whatever, but be mindful that you might be living with your parents right now as a married couple, but you need to develop individuality as a couple and independence to make your own way. And it doesn't. It's not. To make that sharp turn and to cut the placenta off doesn't mean now you're having to make a decision, do I honor love my parents? No, you leave and Cleave, the Bible tells you to, to your spouse, but your family's always there as that added support from where you've come from that will always be there for you in times of crisis. But you make your own way and you have to cut that cord from your, from your family. But it's emotional. It's where you, you now know you can't just glean from mom and dad or mom if you have a single mom, or dad if you have a single dad. Because that's where it can really get one sided and become very dysfunctional. And we see that, we see that today. But independence as a couple is the lifeblood of your marriage. But that doesn't mean that if your family is still in your life, that, and they want to bless you and they're there and they're, they're giving that oversight that you, you can't have both. And I'll give you an example.

00:40:45.170 --> 00:41:14.909
You know, you, you come from a very strong Italian family. Your dad was very much about the family and you said it for years. Your dad's voice, I just read it in your forward yesterday we did the audiobook and how your dad's voice was always in your head. And that can be good and bad, but that's not your dad's fault. That's where you had to control and say, my dad's voice is always in my head. I wanna make sure I'm honoring my dad, but I've gotta make decisions for me and Mary.

00:41:15.469 --> 00:41:18.670
I couldn't make you do that. That wasn't on your dad to do.

00:41:19.440 --> 00:41:22.800
That was a self control that you had to exercise.

00:41:23.280 --> 00:41:37.679
Now we still took your dad and mom's advice and I'm so grateful we did. Because when it came to houses, when it came to investments, when it came to even pastoring and loving people, they were the people we went to.

00:41:38.400 --> 00:41:45.920
Now when it came to loaning us money, they certainly didn't shortcut us. They didn't, they didn't make it easy.

00:41:45.920 --> 00:42:28.579
And I look back on that and I'm so grateful. But what could have been toxic was on. It was in our, on, on in our hands. Not to allow that to be overbearing or where we were too leaned into your mom and dad, where they became a crutch for us. Yeah, we did not let that happen. But we didn't dishonor either by leaving and cleaving. Because you say it all the time. If you honor God, you'll honor man. Yeah, you honor God first and then you'll honor man. So that's even with our own kids, when it can be difficult. Because, man, in our selfishness, we love to keep all our kids close. Yeah.

00:42:28.579 --> 00:42:39.349
But we know we have to launch. We know we have to let go. And in the very beginning stages, it might Feel like we've backed way off. And what's going on with mom and dad?

00:42:39.659 --> 00:42:56.219
Well, there's wisdom in that because we have to distance ourselves from our daughters, especially, and our son, too, so that they feel that vacancy and their spouse feels it, because that's important. We can't.

00:42:57.659 --> 00:43:01.260
It's hard on us, too, to create that space.

00:43:01.739 --> 00:43:09.179
But we know in order for our kids to have healthy marriages, and those first few years are so important, so much damage.

00:43:09.420 --> 00:44:02.099
Go back and listen to our episodes, guys. We talk about this a lot in the first year of marriage and how to handle it. Moms and dads and the kids getting married. We've dealt with all of that on these podcasts. Go back and listen. But today we're talking about our own personal walk and how we are navigating it in real time with all of our emotions and what we lean on, the truths that we lean on, and what we practice to get our daughter through and down the aisle. I remember when Bud came into the family, your mom's husband, he came into the family, and we were already married, you and I, for a period of time. So it was kind of weird because we're now the married ones, as was your sisters. And now this is a new wedding that your mom has. So she brings Bud into her life and our family.

00:44:02.579 --> 00:45:04.590
And Bud was a very successful businessman. So when it came time then for us now, he would. He would give advice to me about working with my dad because he had. He was. The reason he was a Bud was because his father was Bud Senior. He was Bud Junior. So he had a problem with the Bud Junior thing. So then he looked at me working for my dad. Sure. And he was kind of trying to help me with something that he dealt with, being a junior. I remember that. But I wasn't dealing with. You didn't see yourself as a junior. I never was. And I didn't have those struggles. My dad didn't treat me the way his dad treated him, but didn't know that Bud just giving me his opinion. And I was like. And I'd even say to you, Mary, you know, I'm kind of tired of his advice and stuff. And. And I was. I had to be very careful not to say anything to combat his comments and so forth. And it just became really a matter of, you know, that's Bud's opinion. But this is what I have. Sure. But I still would listen.

00:45:05.869 --> 00:45:16.190
I would listen because maybe he brought a different perspective than me as the man over my family. You were always good like that. Okay. So I had to. Yeah. But let me tell you another reason why I had to.

00:45:17.070 --> 00:45:49.260
Because when I needed a loan, well, guess who I went to. You're right. I went to Bud. Yeah. When we sold our house after Hurricane Andrew and we found another one, I needed about$25,000. And I went to Bud and I said, bud, would you loan me the money? He said, sure, I'll loan you the money. And this is the interest rate that I'm going to charge you. Well, I thought, okay, no problem. We'll get that money. But I'll be able to negotiate later the interest rate. Bud held my feet to the yes. He. I had to pay every penny. Penny. Yes. Of the loan, plus the interest.

00:45:49.260 --> 00:45:59.699
Plus the interest. Charge me. Any. Used to say, steve, there is ain't no free lunches. Yeah. So they were saying, you, if you didn't want to pay the interest rate, you should have negotiated on the front end. Maybe we could have done something.

00:45:59.699 --> 00:46:14.340
But you signed a document, son, so you pay me my money. So I had to. Now, how hypocritical would it be of me to go to Bud and say, bud, I don't want your advice, but I want your money. Right.

00:46:14.579 --> 00:46:33.460
Oh, and we're family, by the way. Right, Right, right. That would be very hypocritical. So here's the point. I could leave mom and dad and older people to go cleave to you. Yeah. And say, guys, hey, this is my world now. You don't have a right to give me any kind of input.

00:46:33.460 --> 00:46:55.840
Don't ask anything for me to honor the family legacy or anything. Don't. I'm gonna do my own thing. Well, if I'm gonna do that, then don't go back and ask Bud for money. No. That's right. And that played out because every big step I took for our family required financial assistance. That's right.

00:46:56.079 --> 00:46:59.840
From my dad and from Bud at different seasons. That's right.

00:47:00.079 --> 00:47:03.440
I had to pay them back. That's. And pay them back interest. That's right.

00:47:03.760 --> 00:47:07.280
But I just needed a hand up. Yeah.

00:47:07.440 --> 00:47:47.690
From them to help me along the way. And if I was willing to do that, then I couldn't run around acting as though I'm just my own man. No. Because I was my own man to a certain degree. But I needed other men like them fathers to help me get to where I needed to be. So that's why I think some people that have the mentality that, listen, I'm leaving and cleaving and, you know, middle finger up to all of you who helped me get here because now I'm my own man. I think what you're setting yourself up for is leaving and grieving. Yeah. Later you're going to wish you would have been more honoring of the people that have helped you get to where you are.

00:47:47.690 --> 00:49:42.418
It's going to help you go forward if you are honorable to your parents who still want to speak into you and you're honorable to your in laws that still want to speak into you. Right. And that goes for both the husband and the wife, the bride and the groom, because you most likely, if you're young, do you, you, your mom has helped you become the woman or the young man that you are. And if she's 20, 30 years ahead of you, stay connected to that advice because she's going to help you get to be the older, more mature person later in life. And the husband has to be willing to say along the way, honey, I'm good with that. Right. I'm good with your mom still giving you counsel. That's right. And not be jealous or threatened by it or not be threatened by the father or the father in law. You can't be threatened by that advice. All because you're saying, but I got to leave and cleave. Yeah. No, you always want to honor, you always want to keep an eye looking back over your shoulder and know, as they say sometimes in the movies, know where you come from and honor and respect where you come from. That's right. Because it's going to help you in the future. Now, is it an adjustment? Heck, yeah, it's an adjustment. And I. This is the last thing I want to say about this part, and I've learned this from you, that one of the greatest characteristics, characteristics you can have or attributes as a person, as a human being, to deal with family, to deal with advice, to deal with opinions, to deal with having to, you know, get money from somebody, borrow money from somebody, is to have a personality or a mindset that knows how to eat the meat and spit out the bones. And you've always been so good like that, which has shown wisdom beyond your years. Your years have caught up with you. However.

00:49:44.099 --> 00:50:20.050
You had that wisdom when we were younger, when we first got married, you could throw things off that your dad would say that would make me think he's trying to control us. But you were so good about not taking those things seriously. And you'd eat the meat and spit out the bones. And I followed that lead because I trusted you. And I look back over the landscape of our Marriage. And I think we wouldn't be where we are without God, without you. We would not. It's not up to me. We would not be if it wasn't for you. But you always honored your dad and the stuff. He would say that if people knew.

00:50:21.170 --> 00:50:42.050
Sometimes. Sometimes the way he would get triggered and. And I would just go, it's not worth it, Steve. It's not worth it, Steve. Don't ask him for another thing. You had that learned skill, and I think it was your heart to say, it is what it is. We will always respect Mary. I can't ask for him to help us and not deal with this other little conflicting side. It's not control.

00:50:42.530 --> 00:50:59.150
It's just emotion on my dad's part. Yeah. And you would eat the meat and spit out the bones. And I. I was so. I am today so grateful that you had that attribute. Because if you didn't, this emotional girl. Right. Would be like, I don't want any of it. Yeah.

00:50:59.150 --> 00:51:17.170
Who are you to tell me? But that's a mistake. Well, I'm grateful. Since you're giving out compliments, let me throw one back at you. I'm grateful that you didn't allow the broken relationship that you had with your dad, sad to say, come and spill over and be brought into our marriage.

00:51:17.489 --> 00:51:36.409
And it starts to show itself. That anger towards dad, disappointment, all of that towards him would manifest towards me or towards my dad or towards Bud or to any other man that along the way has helped get us to where we are. That's right. Everybody needs somebody to help to get them where they are now. I would just say.

00:51:36.409 --> 00:51:39.670
And this was a learned deal. All right.

00:51:41.590 --> 00:51:48.949
Since you. You made reference to the way of eating the meat, spitting out the bones. It was learned. Right.

00:51:49.030 --> 00:52:03.829
Honor was learned. Sure. And over the years, I just learned I didn't get it right at the beginning. Yeah. But along the way, I just learned honor is going to get me more in life. That's right.

00:52:05.039 --> 00:52:24.760
Then any money's going to get me any gifting or talent. It's going to be honor. It's the truth. Which is why even now. And honor goes both ways in the sense that it goes back to people who has helped us, but it's also going forward to this young man that's going to come into our family now. And young Christian. Right. I'm going to honor that young man.

00:52:24.760 --> 00:52:28.440
That's right. Because it goes both ways. Justice doesn't go up.

00:52:28.440 --> 00:52:35.480
No. It doesn't go back to people who helped us get here. I need to Honor him. To help him get to where he needs to go. That's right.

00:52:35.480 --> 00:52:53.780
And he's got to always know, as does Gabby, with the KUD family. Right. That we're here to help them be the best version of themselves. We brought you to this place. They're 25 years old. We've raised these kids.

00:52:53.780 --> 00:53:04.940
Yeah. To get right here. That's right. To have this kind of experience. And we know there's more in them so they can have a better life than we've ever lived.

00:53:04.940 --> 00:53:15.500
So. Good. How foolish would it be for them not to want to look back over their shoulder and now say to us as parents, I value that. Right. Let me honor that. That's right.

00:53:15.820 --> 00:54:13.699
I've got an ear to listen. Yeah. I'm going to make my choices and my decision, but I'm not going to make it based on my peer group right now who haven't experienced what you've experienced or helped me get to where I'm at today. Right. Or with an attitude of don't tell me how to do. Don't tell me how to do it. Which is beautiful. And if I could. If I could give counsel to any young couple. Yes. Don't have that attitude. I had to work through that attitude. I had to work through the thought. It's always there for every young man, every woman. You know, you're not going to talk to me like my dad. You're not going to talk to me like you're my mom. You're not my dad. You know, there's a tendency to think that way. Okay, sure. But you want to. You want to. After you think it, just dismiss it. That's right. Don't act on it because it's not honorable. That's not honorable. But if you can honor where you've come from, leaving and cleaving is going to be easy. Yeah. If not, it's like I'm going to go ahead and give my daughter's hand in marriage to a young man, but I'm not giving her away. Yeah.

00:54:14.340 --> 00:54:24.340
They say, who gives this woman to be married to this man? I'm giving her hand in marriage, but I'm not giving her away. Right. I will always have some level of connection with her.

00:54:24.980 --> 00:54:28.639
Now it's on him to now move forward and help her. Right.

00:54:28.639 --> 00:54:31.920
As it was with Christopher. I didn't give Christopher away.

00:54:32.719 --> 00:55:02.949
No. Right, right. Didn't do that. I gave him to Rochelle in marriage, if there's such a thing. But I'm always in my son's ear. Yeah. And because we Work together. I will always be pouring into him about how to handle our business, which spills over sometimes into his life. Now, that's just a process. You're going to need to be able to do that and keep that relation openship and that honor openship open because it is going to be honorable for both the couples.

00:55:03.429 --> 00:55:10.789
But I've seen too many fathers give their daughters away in marriage only to have to take them back. I know. Marriage didn't work.

00:55:11.188 --> 00:55:39.519
Right. He mistreated her. Well, then the son comes back home, the daughter comes back home. So, yeah, we're not saying in this sense that you give them away. Right. You just give their hands and marriage and then you keep your distance as a parent to help them, then leave and cleave because their future is going to be better if we let them do that. But that relationship and support will always be there. I hope this makes sense. And I didn't confuse anybody. You said open ship, but I'm like, that's a good word.

00:55:41.039 --> 00:55:44.400
Anyway, that's what you got out of my ranting.

00:55:44.639 --> 00:55:55.800
It wasn't ranting. That was good. That was good. Does it sound like a father who's grieving? You're not grieving. We are not grief. We're excited about you.

00:55:55.800 --> 00:56:12.039
The first leaving podcast we did, our. Emotions are all over the place. Maybe they shouldn't listen to this one. But let's just not tell them that on the front end. Let them get to the end of it and they can make a decision for them. You're welcome, everyone.

00:56:14.269 --> 00:56:47.960
All right, Mary, we're going to get this done. This couple's going to be married. That's. And I hope we've helped some families who are either going through it or will go through it that it's normal to be a little bit. Have a personality disorder when you're going through marrying your kids off. Because it's harder than it looks. Okay, so somebody beautiful, somebody came up to you. Let's close with this. Somebody came up to you and said, okay, no more blessings for you guys. Yeah, right. That's it. No more blessings for the Alessi's because we just. The good things have been happening in our lives.

00:56:47.960 --> 00:56:51.320
Yeah. Well, a great thing is there's more blessings coming.

00:56:51.400 --> 00:56:58.840
There's more blessings coming my way. And if you're part of our family business, then you'll hear about those blessings. Oh, yeah, Soon.

00:56:58.920 --> 00:57:06.630
If not, good thing. Hey, we got something new to tell you in the next episode. Somewhere down the road. That's right. Good. We good?

00:57:06.630 --> 00:57:21.469
We done? We're done. I think it's been fun. Our first episode of Season eight. We're out here making it happen. And by the time you hear this, there'll be a Mr. And Mrs. Kaladiyud. That's right. Christopher or Christian.

00:57:22.030 --> 00:57:25.670
Christian. And Gabrielle. And Gabrielle. Three.

00:57:25.670 --> 00:57:32.940
Chris's in the family. All right, guys, thanks for joining us for this episode of the Family Business with the Unless he's Take care.

00:57:34.139 --> 00:57:49.420
Thanks so much for joining the Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time, because family is everybody's business.