Become Better! How The Right Habits Can Set You Up for Success in 2026

Steve Alessi:
Becoming to me is going to be more important than what I build.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Because when I'm no longer building, am I happy with me? Are you happy with me?

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
That's going to be one of our greatest tell tale signs of did we become the people we're supposed to be? Hello and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessis. I'm Steve Alessi and I'm here with my wife Mary Alessi.

Mary Alessi:
So good to be back in the saddle again.

Steve Alessi:
That's right. We're starting fresh brand new year, new episodes. Matter of fact, we've got over 200 episodes that have been recorded here. It's amazing in the podcast booth. That's pretty fun.

Mary Alessi:
I can't even believe that we've recorded 200.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Different episodes.

Steve Alessi:
Didn't know you had that much to say, did you?

Mary Alessi:
Did not know that there was that much inside of us.

Steve Alessi:
I've been trying to tell you. Got a lot to say. Yeah. And now we're coming up on a million views on YouTube.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. That's crazy.

Steve Alessi:
Gratefully we've found out that some in our pawdience are actually listening or watching on Spotify so they can do that as well. You can go ahead and listen in on Spotify and then if you're really liking what you're hearing, if you find that there's value to it, we just want to encourage you to share this particular episode and all of what we're doing at the Family Business business with at least two people. Give them a gift after Christmas starting into the new year.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So how was your holiday?

Mary Alessi:
My holiday was very full, as was yours. A lot of food, a lot of fun and a lot of family. A lot of family this year. We had a good time and it wasn't, I mean it was, it wasn't stressful in a negative energy perspective. It was stressful in a positive energy meaning. It was just there was so much fun. I kept telling you this has been the funnest Christmas we've ever had and I think more grandbabies make that happen and more in law kids make that happen. And our moms and extended family members coming around.

Mary Alessi:
We just, I feel like we did a good job planning for our Christmas 2025 and there was no disappointment, there was no unmet expectation and I did not bur the roast beef.

Steve Alessi:
No, you didn't. But you neither. Did you get the fudge. Right? We have not been able to master the family fudge.

Mary Alessi:
I. You need to tell everybody about your fudge addiction.

Steve Alessi:
Times you try.

Mary Alessi:
Was it nine? Did you count nine?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, I think it was like, more. The last one where we finally decided to quit was when it smelled like the house was burning down.

Mary Alessi:
Burnt the house. Well, it has smelled, like burned twice.

Steve Alessi:
Twice now.

Mary Alessi:
Let's just. Let's just say that I did salvage the pots and the wooden spoon, but I had to soak it for days.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. What about the thermometer? Are we good?

Mary Alessi:
I don't think it's a thermometer problem. I think it's a me problem. But I'm not a candy maker. Now let's tell everyone the story.

Steve Alessi:
So my mom, I was raised having fudge every Christmas.

Mary Alessi:
What kind of fudge?

Steve Alessi:
It's a chalky kind of a fudge. It's not the kind of fudge that if you go to Tennessee and you're in Gatlinburg, you're going find at the fudge store. This was. Mom had this kind. It was really hard, but it was just had this.

Mary Alessi:
It's right before brittle and right after chewy and like, soft.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, it be.

Mary Alessi:
It's really like chalk and it's hard on your teeth, but it's also on the inside. It's like. I don't know. It's got a creaminess to it. Even though it's hard.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And mom would put nuts in it.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But I would always eat around the nuts. When I was younger, he didn't like the nuts. I didn't like, like the nuts. I like just the raw, the. The real chocolate fudge. And then became accustomed to the nuts after a while. But you did it early on in our marriage because mom stopped doing it. We didn't have the recipe.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
So you did it, and you did a good job with it.

Mary Alessi:
I did it a few times, but I. But like on the fourth and fifth time, I just kept burning pots and pans.

Steve Alessi:
Had no idea.

Mary Alessi:
So I quit.

Steve Alessi:
That hard to make it.

Mary Alessi:
You know what it is? It's timing and temperature, and it has to be right. You have to take it off. I don't know how your mom executed it so well every year.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because it's hard.

Steve Alessi:
It is. It is. You know, as you're saying it, I do remember it was more of a steel, you know, kind of a pot or pan that she would use.

Mary Alessi:
So maybe it was her pot.

Steve Alessi:
It might have been her pot.

Mary Alessi:
So, you know, candy.

Steve Alessi:
I mean, we've gone on. Yeah. The thing died for years. We didn't bring it up, but I mentioned it early in November. Or so. And you said, you know what? I'm gonna try. Rochelle tried, and she brought some fudge over, and it was close, but it wasn't there.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
So you tried nine. I did a batch. And then the last time you did it, and it was the closest because we found my sister Debbie. My older sister had the recipe.

Mary Alessi:
She had it. So hoarding it.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. So we followed that. But that's when you left it on the stove a little too long.

Mary Alessi:
Like 60 seconds. Like 60 seconds.

Steve Alessi:
So, you know, but it was a good try. Swinging a miss, but we'll bring it back. I don't want to wait till next.

Mary Alessi:
No, no. Valentine's Day is coming. I'm gonna try again.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, that would be great. So let's try. That was some cool things that are memorable about the holiday. It was nice because as a family, we had to make a decision about certain family members that would definitely be invited to the party. And so that was fun because we were surrounded by really fun people. No drama.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
At all.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
That was cool.

Mary Alessi:
No drama. Llama.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, it was great.

Mary Alessi:
We had a good time. Even with some of the new family members that we involved this year brought around this year. It was just so peaceful. So everybody was on the same page, the same spirit, the same joy.

Steve Alessi:
So important for us.

Mary Alessi:
It was great.

Steve Alessi:
You know, of all the holidays, all the family gathering times that you can do throughout the years, if there is drama with a certain family member, you know, invite them to another party. You don't necessarily have to have much Christmas. You know, you want to save that Christmas holiday for something very special. It's supposed to be fun. And you got to consider. Consider all the other family members, the grandchildren that are in the room. So you don't want to make it difficult with everybody just because, you know, you bring. You feel obligated to bring a certain family member that you don't get along with.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
So you don't have to do that. Sit. Bring them to another party. But we did have a good time.

Mary Alessi:
We did.

Steve Alessi:
And we chose to stay away from politics.

Mary Alessi:
We did.

Steve Alessi:
That was easy.

Mary Alessi:
Touch it with a tin, and it didn't even feel like it was missing. I don't know what's happened the years.

Steve Alessi:
Previous that we came to the table with Dukes up.

Mary Alessi:
I don't know. But didn't happen this year. We were like, who cares? You know, we just want to love our family and have a good time.

Steve Alessi:
We did what the Bible says. Seek peace and pursue it at all. I brought it up one moment in a Moment of joking.

Mary Alessi:
It was joking.

Steve Alessi:
And me and the other person both choked and laughed about it. High fived. And we knew this was cool.

Mary Alessi:
And you're on really opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to that. But you were able to joke about it and they joke back. That's a breakthrough right there.

Steve Alessi:
It's like everybody wondered what was going to happen.

Mary Alessi:
We all went, oh, no. And. And it was then you guys high fived each other, which I thought was pretty cool.

Steve Alessi:
And he's the one who sent me a text saying he had a great time with the family, especially, especially you. That was sweet.

Mary Alessi:
That made me cry.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, me too. That's years of just good, trying to be good, live good, embrace and see the good. It was really special.

Mary Alessi:
I think this really ties into our topic today.

Steve Alessi:
Yes, it does.

Mary Alessi:
Because you're becoming more intentional about peace and being more of a patriarch for the whole family and leading from that perspective of why being in any kind of place of conflict, whether it's just internal or whether it's external with anybody in my life that matters, that I wanted my funeral, let's not be in conflict, let's be in peace. Whether we disagree does not matter. Those disagreements don't matter. This river is just going to keep. The current keeps flowing up this river. Things change. New presidents come, new administrations come. Why are we going to have World War III in our home? In our home.

Mary Alessi:
Because of what's happening in the White House.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
No, and that, that really brings a sense to the whole family from you, that man, what matters most is the people that are in this family, not the politics of this family.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. So let's pivot from that into what we think could be helpful as we kind of process. So here's our process for the coming year. 2026, brand new year, new opportunities. Everybody wants to build something new with their rights. And so they want to build a better body. So they're going to commit to a certain exercise, eating routine. They want to build a better spiritual life, so they commit to reading the Bible, praying more, going to church more.

Steve Alessi:
They want to commit to building a bigger business. So they're thinking in terms of what they're going to do with their finances and such. Everybody's thinking about building. Well, here's what we're thinking and processing. And it would be good for people to consider this because here's what it is for us in this coming year. It's about becoming. While building.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, I love that.

Steve Alessi:
It's about becoming the person that is capable of sustaining what you're building.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Becoming the man or the woman, that is going to be a real blessing. While you're building your family.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I don't think you can build a family without becoming a good person first. You got to become forgiving, you got to become loving, you got to become considerate. You have to become these things before you can focus on building something. Or else what you're building will destroy you. And it's not sustainable.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
So the things that stand out in our mind, even as a church, I mean, we lead our church, so it's our business in a sense, but we lead our church this way in the coming year. We believe. I believe that this will be a year of harvest where every seed that we've sown is going to produce a harvest in our lives. Every battle we have fought has prepared us for walking into a season of victory. Every setback and disappointment that we have had to endure is only preparing us to now walk in to. To a season of winning.

Mary Alessi:
That's good.

Steve Alessi:
So it's building something unique for us. More success, more peace, more endurance. But becoming a person is going to be even more important in the long run than just building certain things that are in our lives. Because once you be that person. Yeah. Than what you have, what you've built, it will. It'll bless you, but it doesn't have to sustain you.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
So you don't have to now depend on what you're building to make you feel good.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
It's a byproduct.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And I don't know what's going on with my stomach. I hope it's not being picked up on.

Mary Alessi:
Are you hungry?

Steve Alessi:
Wow. Nope.

Mary Alessi:
It's all good.

Steve Alessi:
Cheaper.

Mary Alessi:
Somebody get us. Get them a banana here.

Steve Alessi:
I'm becoming hungry. So what do you say about that? That whole aspect of becoming so, you.

Mary Alessi:
Know, we live in a culture that does not celebrate forming anything. It doesn't celebrate slow. It celebrates results, numbers. How many people follow you on social media? Are you getting it right now? It really is. I love this analogy. I've used it in the church world all the time. When people go from church to church and they don't settle in frosting liquors. We really do live in a culture where it's about, get the frosting, don't worry about the cake, get the sweet stuff and get on to the next cupcake.

Mary Alessi:
And there's so much of that in the culture today. Rather than, what are you developing by just eating all the sweet stuff, by only taking in the Surface. Well, you're getting sick. So in a, in a practical way of looking at that from building something, your career, your social media presence, which, let's face it, a lot of this, the kids today, a lot of the young people today, they believe that that's where it's at. It is not, it's monopoly money, but whatever, it's not residual. There's nothing from that that is going to pay you if you stop today. So what does pay you royalties moving forward? Your peace, your peace of mind. Building within you the right structure of confidence.

Mary Alessi:
Because we've learned this over the years, that in our 20s and our 30s when we were building, it's that constant, what's just beyond our reach that's always getting us up in the morning and we're dreaming and it's driving us and we're excited and then you reach it. And if that's been the thing that you've become, that constant perpetual, I'm reaching, I'm going to get it, I'm going to get it. And that's what drives you, well then you've not spend that same amount of time that you had. You did not spend the quality time building your inner peace knowing that I am not what I do. And that's, that's the trap I think we fall into when we're young. We label ourselves with the identity of what we do, what we're chasing, what we're trying to be, what we're trying to build versus spending the right time and energy. And it takes maturity and stopping and saying it's not about the fast pace. Anything slow and steady wins the race.

Mary Alessi:
Who AM I in 10 years from.

Steve Alessi:
This point right now, I have a son and I have three son in laws, third coming on in April. And I find that it's a constant teaching of what it is to be a husband. It's a constant teaching, it's a modeling. But there comes a time where I have to teach, I have to instruct because just to see what we have been able to build that is sustainable. I've had to learn that before. I can ask you to, to make me happy. I have to be happy, right. So if I want a happy marriage, I have to become a good husband.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, I have to become that. I'm only responsible for what I can contribute to the marriage to make it happy. I can't force you to be a better wife. I can't force you to try and make me happy. That that's not going to happen. I have to get to a place Where I become a happy, secure person that then brings to the table in our marriage what is needed to now keep it healthy.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Somebody said years ago, you don't deserve to be happy, Steve. You deserve to be healthy. So happy will be the result of being healthy.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And healthy is internal, as we know happy can't be. Happiness is the result of things that are happening.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You can't find real happiness, joy if you're just waiting for things to always happen. So I can't wait for you to make me happy or even make the marriage healthy. I have to focus on becoming a good husband. So what do I have to do if I'm going to become something? I got to do some education.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So I got to read what's going to make my wife happy, what's going to please my wife, what's. What's going to make her feel fulfilled. There's some Bible passages that I'm going to have to just learn how to embrace as a man so I can become the. The husband that the Bible says I should be. If I do my part, then I can trust that you will feel comfortable in the healthy environment to do your part.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Where spouses start to hold back is when they feel like someone isn't doing their part.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And that's a dangerous place to be.

Mary Alessi:
It is.

Steve Alessi:
Because they start living with resentment. So if you're not doing your thing, then I could very easily start to resent you. Right. Yeah. But yet that's so wrong. Because I'm putting all the pressure on you.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Or the expectation on you. Here's the deal. You can only be happy with your decisions, Barry.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
I. You're not going to be happy trying to make me happy, but you could be happy with your decisions as a woman to do the right things that a wife is supposed to do.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
So you're becoming that wife. Even the Bible says it, he who finds a wife, a woman that's become a wife, finds a good thing.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So we got to focus on becoming while we are building. So what am I becoming when I want to take care of. You know, the reason I'm eating. Right. It's because I want to be disciplined.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And most of the time, if you find a person that is undisciplined with their eating, they're undisciplined in other areas of their life.

Mary Alessi:
No, it's true.

Steve Alessi:
So I've got to become disciplined. And when I'm disciplined, this is what I do.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
I take care of myself. I, I monitor what I put in my mouth. Doesn't mean I can't have ice cream. I just can't have it every day. What I, I can't make. Yeah. It doesn't mean I can't have a, you know, glass of wine. It just means I can't have two or three every day.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
You know, I, I have to be disciplined. It doesn't mean I, I have to go work out for a marathon. It just means got to do something in one way or another physically to try to get my heart rate up so that I'm healthier. Yeah, it's being disciplined. So what's the deal about becoming healthy? It's, I'll be healthy when I'm focused on becoming disciplined.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
So it's all about becoming while you're building.

Mary Alessi:
And I think if we put as much time to educate ourselves on becoming a person of integrity and coming, becoming a person that can reason well, becoming a person that considers the other person becoming that person, then we will get the fruit of that in a happy marriage, in a peaceful environment, in a stress free zone. Because we set the boundaries in our lives based on who we want to be, not necessarily what we want to have. And I know we see a lot of couples when they get married and we did this too. I want this in my marriage, I want that in my marriage. I want us to have this house, I want us to have this many kids. I want her to respect me, I want him to be sweet and funny. All the things that we want to build in our relationship. And we're talking about marriage right now.

Mary Alessi:
But the bigger scope is even your businesses or whatever it is you want your life to look like. But we don't necessarily realize until for some it's too late or for some who wake up and say, what's more important is what we're talking about today. Who am I rather than, what does this look like right now? We are still in the process of building this thing. Who am I becoming? Who am I not becoming? Am I sacrificing integrity to myself? Am I sacrificing peace and health? So when you talk about exercise and health, working out, eating well, all those things are an internal work that affects the external results. The same with stress free environments. Take the pressure off yourself. Because sometimes young men that are trying to produce something better for their wife, she doesn't know how to interpret it because he's just always pressure, pressure, pressure, push, push, push. Well, the motivating factor behind that is her, but she doesn't know that.

Mary Alessi:
So she's like, will you stop? Everything's about the job. Everything's about this world you're trying to create. I didn't even ask you for that. Well, now it's a fight. But the expectations are off because we don't spend enough time in the young part of our marriage, which we. Hopefully, couples will do that as they're listening to our podcast, do the research on what's the most important thing. The most important thing is who am I? What do I bring to the table in regards to honesty, integrity, humility, care for my spouse, care for myself? Because how we see ourselves and how we take care of care of ourselves is who we are becoming. Because that might not show up right away when you're eating right, when you're exercising, when you're making sure you're protecting ladies, your hormones and you're on top of those things, but the output of that, the manifestation of that, what you're building will be easier to build because you're taking care of you first.

Mary Alessi:
Does that make sense? Because that. That is something. I think that when we're young, we put the cart before the horse, we put the fruit before the seed, and we don't understand, we won't have that harvest of who we will become until we stop and we start sowing the seeds in the right fields.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Versus just in the numbers and the accomplishments. You know, we've got so much fuel to burn when we're in our 20s and 30s and early 40s. And then you start slowing down after that.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And that's when you look at yourself and say, who am I and how did I get here?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Gabby was talking about a food. I guess a food influencer. And they were at a restaurant and they watched this young lady who was in a restaurant, and she was going to go ahead and show on her social media page the food and so on, that she's at this restaurant and maybe they give her food for free to do it. But Gabby watched. And the girl. The girl would order the food, they'd bring her to food, and she's looking at the food and she kind of. Meanwhile, the person's with the camera or phone is in front of her, and she has no smile on her face.

Steve Alessi:
She's very controlling. She's moving things around. She's making this noise. And then all of a sudden she says, okay, you ready? And the person says, yeah. And then it's like this new face comes on her, this big smile, all vibrant, all Sunny. And, you know, oh, here I'm at this restaurant, and here's the dish that I'm eating today. And she would take a bite of it, and she'd make.

Mary Alessi:
Look how cheesy it is.

Steve Alessi:
Great. And she'd say, wait a second. Say, okay, next. And then she'd go down. Perfect. That serious look. Move that plate out of the way. Grab another one.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, here's. And just put on this show.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Just to get her followers to see. Oh, I'm over here tasting this food. And for whatever reason, I guess it's, you know, she's got to do it there. Well, that is such an image of how people are today with perform. It's just performance.

Mary Alessi:
Just performance.

Steve Alessi:
And you. You can't be somebody acting like somebody.

Mary Alessi:
No, you.

Steve Alessi:
You. You got to actually be that person.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And it's okay to put on a show every so often, fake it till you make it, but in the long run, you're not going to be happy.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
You're only going to be happy becoming that person that your creator wants you to be. And that's going to require some real work in the coming year.

Mary Alessi:
It is.

Steve Alessi:
And that's why I would say becoming is building.

Mary Alessi:
It is.

Steve Alessi:
It's not building without becoming. Becoming is building.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
So what you want to build, you got to become first. So in our line of work, we're very, very aware that the platform is only one aspect of our lives.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Or our ministry. The church is only one aspect of our lives. I know for anybody that is in my line of work, their first ministry is their family.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Their first ministry is their spouse. So that's where the ministry for me starts. So how do I become a good pastor? I become a good provider in my home. I become a good father, a good husband. I become that first at home, and then it translates into what I do, into what I build with my business. Yeah, the ministry. So it's the same with you. You can't get up on the platform and just sing and.

Steve Alessi:
And speak and then go home and not have a song to sing around your house. Not have that joy or that desire to want to take care of your spouse, your husband. You. You can't do that. That's going to tell on you.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And eventually what you do is going to be lost or even destroyed, because what you're doing privately does not add up to what you're doing publicly.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And that's when scandals happen.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah. And I. I Think that we're not initiators enough of becoming the right person for us.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
We want to become the right person for others. I'm gonna achieve this level of success, even if it's everything you're talking about, I'm going to become for others that's still performing.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
I'm becoming all the things that are healthy, that are manifest, good things in my relationships, that bring me the fruit I want in my life. I'm becoming that person for me because that's the right thing. Full stop. It's the right thing for this last few years of you and I in ministry and things have changed and our kids are coming up more with us. We are not evolving in the areas that we are becoming something new. We're not. We're still building in our lives because we know who we are and who we've become based on essential truths. So we know that if we think with a performer's mentality, if we think with an achiever's mentality, if we keep thinking with a successes in numbers, successes in what do on that platform, we.

Mary Alessi:
We might as well just forget it and call it a day because we will blow a tire and it'll be over.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because we've got it. We've got our priorities in the wrong place as we shift gears. We've spent enough time in our life becoming the right people to each other, to the Lord, to ourselves, so that our family and the future is sustained and can move on into the future. And we're not over here still trying to become something.

Steve Alessi:
Right. Yeah. Well, they say achievement is visible.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But character is lasting.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Who you are is going to so far outlive what you do.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And so we have to be come first. We want to make sure that our character is being formed.

Mary Alessi:
I think one of the first things to character that would help any young person listening today is be a realist, Be realistic.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
If you can just find that place of what is a realistic expectation. If you're married, sit down with your spouse, what's a realistic expectation of our future together? And then start really talking about your values as a human being and what matters the most and become that first. And we know this, the success follows.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
When you're a person of integrity, when you're a person that is humble, you want your marriage to work, you want to serve each other, you want to serve your children. The success from that is greater than any worldly success you can get.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's not just about what we're producing.

Mary Alessi:
It's not.

Steve Alessi:
It is part of it, but it's who we become in the process.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And we want to ultimately be a better person. So this time throughout 2026, I want to embrace the process. I can't run from it now. Even the failures of last year, Mary, the failures that people would have experienced last year, if. If they look at their lives from a becoming viewpoint, then they know all those failures were lessons. I can bring those lessons into 2026 to make sure that I've learned from that. And I can be better to not make the same mistake, make the same decisions that I did then that led to this failure or this breakdown. So that that focus isn't just about producing, it's about the process.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So if we're focusing more on being on becoming a better person, then I think the joy that people are looking for in the piece is more sustainable for them.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because I'm not a failure if I failed.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
I just learned an incredible, maybe expensive lesson along the way. Because our identity and who we are has to be priority over our output.

Mary Alessi:
That's right. Am I more loving? Am I more giving? Am I considered more joyful? Am I working on those things rather than, did I get a promotion this year? Am I building fast enough? And that's. I would say one thing we've learned from life is don't live it like something's chasing you. Just relax a little bit and take the steady pace and make sure you are sowing the right seeds into who you are. Your heart, health, meaning the integrity of the person that you are. That is so important. You know, as a pastor that you are, everybody would just assume that you have all the fruits of the spirit. Right? Patience, kindness, love.

Mary Alessi:
You got that in lockdown because you're a pastor. You can't be a pastor if you don't have that right. Both of us. But this Christmas, you talked about in the beginning of this podcast, the family member that you decided you weren't gonna make it a thing. You were just gonna joke about it. Well, it's not that we as pastors can't let our hair down around our family and be who we wanna be. It's that we want to be in the right spirit and in the right place to get the right results in every room we're in because of. Because of the integrity that we hold close to the vest.

Mary Alessi:
So you told a story this Sunday about one of the guys at the condo association that was really making it hard on you, and you told the story really disparaging yourself more than you should have. But I'm just the listener because I heard the zoom call. I've been here with the emails. I've seen how it's a very unfair advantage what. What the board is doing. Making.

Steve Alessi:
Just have to get into details.

Mary Alessi:
I'm not. I'm not. But I mean, making a big deal over something that they. It's none of their business. And you. I wanted you to be like, hey, back off. Get out of my face. You don't have any.

Mary Alessi:
I mean, my flesh was. And my menopausal hormones was like, if there's anybody you could tell off, you could tell him off. Tell him to just go stick it where the sun don't shine.

Steve Alessi:
Anyway.

Mary Alessi:
It's a Southern term. But I didn't. We didn't even have that conversation. I did think that you were going to go over there and tell him, hey, knock it off. All right. What you're doing.

Steve Alessi:
So when I got up.

Mary Alessi:
So when you walked away from the table because he pulls up, I said, oh, there he goes. And something in me was like, let him have it. This guy. Like, back off. And I look over and there you are with your arms out, and you're gonna give this guy an unfair hug. I'm like, what? Now you do that? Now you choose to be that person. But the reality was there was somebody else sitting at that table watching that. That needed to see that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That went farther with that other person than even me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And what it spoke to that person. There's. There's. There's no way to describe how that shifted the atmosphere and shifted his perspective, not only of you.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
But even Christians in general.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And how we respond. And the level of respect just went more than I could. It just blew my mind how that one decision, to be the right person, to be the godly person of integrity that you say you are.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
In one of the most unfair moments when you really did not have to be right. But you chose to do that for you.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You did that. I was across the way. You didn't do that in my presence. I was just watching. But you were far away. And that is such a perfect example. It's not about turning the other cheek. Yeah, it is.

Mary Alessi:
It's. It's spiritual and Christian values, obviously. But really, if we would operate in that more, what we would become would so far outweigh in success in our own lives and the people around us and would just bring so much more good economy, good commerce, good money. But I'm putting in a money term, but just what it would bring into our lives. Fruit is the right word versus building some secular company where at the end of it, you get a watch.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Well, success without health, without peace, without integrity is still lost.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
So I don't want to, at the end of the day, sit there and lose at the end.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
Our peace. When you're juggling so much in your life, and this comes from leadership at high levels, when you're juggling so much, you have the weight that you got to carry. Not just for you, but the organization, which then means people that are in the organization. That conflict of building is cons. It's just consistently there. It's. It's forever. Right.

Steve Alessi:
The last thing you want to be. Have to do is bring it home, bring it on vacation, take it where you live.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Not where you work. The last thing you want is that stuff interrupting you.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So to me, the older I get, the more responsibility that I have. And also trying to teach this to the family, our family. Is that you. You. There is something about seeking peace and pursuing it.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
That in itself. All right. If you can become a peace seeker, it teaches you how to forgive.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
It teaches you how. How to have a short memory. Teaches you how to not let your emotions get the best of you when you're becoming a peacemaker. It teaches you how to be more disciplined.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
How to be big picture minded.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
I mean, I'm looking at this situation you're referring to and I'm like, this isn't about this moment.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
No. This is going to be. This could have a negative impact next month.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Six months from now, next year.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
Every time I show up on the property conflict, Hatfields and McCoys. Not going to happen.

Mary Alessi:
Right. It's true.

Steve Alessi:
So I'm. Here's what. I'm becoming wiser.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Because I've been on the other side of it where I let my. My emotions get the best of me or my ego get the best of me and my pride and I go at it with somebody only then to forever have conflict when I see them.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And I'm carrying too much responsibility in the work realm to have my peace taken away from me when I'm at home or when I go to our.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Our home in Stuart. Not gonna happen. So it was so much bigger than that individual that. That was nothing.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
In the long run. Because I got to come back, get ready for the work that I Do and working with the family and all this becoming Mary, is why we as a family this year we're going to do something we've never done before. Some of my associates in ministry have done it and even business associate associates have done it that are looking at their family that work with them. We're going to do a family retreat this year.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Where we're getting away with our son, our daughter's daughter in law and son in laws. We're bringing them all together. And we're not a retreat in the sense that we're going to go rest but we're going to go and get everybody on the same page.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. It's brilliant.

Steve Alessi:
Of what we are called to do.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
In. In business as a family.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
That there are certain things that each family member has to do, but more than that has to become.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I don't want us just always focusing on work when we're together.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
That is tense.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, it is.

Steve Alessi:
It's constantly tension. Who's doing the job right. Who's dropping the ball. We're judging. It's easy to judge. It's easy to. And criticize. It's easy.

Steve Alessi:
Where jealousy can come up. Why are they getting attention? How come they, you know, their dad's favorite, mom's favorite. There's all that stuff could be there when you're working with family members. Well, if every family member that's a part of our ultimately ministry team. Every family member are working on becoming just good people.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Becoming secure. Becoming called. Becoming confident. Confident.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
If we can work on that. All those other little things when they come up aren't going to be deal breakers.

Mary Alessi:
No. No.

Steve Alessi:
We'll be so quick to be able to overlook situations. When you're secure. You don't have to get pulled in to the fray.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
And have arguments. And when you're secure. So we're going to go and we're going to state our first. Our story where you and I have come from that's been able to build what we build. Hear from our family and even the in laws, the newbies that have come in, how they're feeling, where they see themselves.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Some of their things they wish could be different or things that they really enjoy. What last year really meant to them. And this is restating it for our kids. But it could be the first time we state it to our in laws because they have to know that what they married into is bigger than just their family.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
It's. It's our Work, our ministry. Yeah. And we're ministers before we do ministry. So the whole thing about becoming it is so in our DNA, it is in our line of work that we have to focus on that or else what we're building won't last.

Mary Alessi:
No. And we, we spend a lot of time and energy on learning how to build and be and perform. And we don't spend enough time and energy or get around the right people that will pour into us how to just be and to become. What are the expectations of me? And to teach our in laws and our own kids that what really has the most value on it is how you respond to a situation, your self. Talk the right expectations. If you've got something that's bothering you, speak up. This is a safe environment. And instead of being a person that just stays in excuse mode, okay? We've created an environment, we've had an open, honest conversation here.

Mary Alessi:
We have set the table. Before you take of it, eat of it. Be the person that's honest enough, that has enough energy or love for this family to say, I want to make sure that I'm doing my part. Right. That's when you become truly something that is far more successful than what just being in the ministry together will ever give you. Because you could, you've got the job but you're dissatisfied behind the scenes. You've got the position but you have no self control. Well, that's not congruent one's going to spin out, it's going to be the job.

Mary Alessi:
So we want to make sure that our family gets a head start on that becoming part. Because that to us, we know this, whether it's in a Christian work environment or whether it's just in a layperson's environment, that is where the value is. That's the gold. That's it. That's the currency. That's the word I was looking for. That's the currency for a great life, for a satisfied life. Who do I be? Who am I? What principles do I operate in when no one is looking? What habits have I formed? What's important to me? What's important to the people whose life I'm in? And this, we call ourselves a team.

Mary Alessi:
We gotta be a team. I love how we have. We'd see churches and organizations go, this is our team. Well, what game are you playing? What's the game? So let's not just say we're something, talk a big talk, set up a photo shoot to impress everybody else. Look at our beautiful family. Look at, okay, well who are we? Who are we really? Does social media matter to us more than who we really are? Can we shut all those filters down? Can we tell the photographer we don't need you anymore? Who we are is enough. Or is it only about performance? Is success only about what we're building, what's at the end of this, what's chasing us rather than what's coaxing us to a sustainable lasting for your children and your children's children from generation to generation. People that aren't spinning out of control because they're trying so hard to perform.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And you get nowhere in that. So at this family conference, you have, you've been saying it, you've been harping eye, we're going to do it. We're going to do it. And I know this. At the end of it, we're all going to become wiser, more patient with one another, more understanding.

Steve Alessi:
Understanding.

Mary Alessi:
And have a better expectation of what the future looks like. And what, what is the expectation, even for the part that I play at this season of my life And I need that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Well, babe, I'm sitting here thinking, 41 years in ministry. I've been doing this professionally as a full time job for 41 years. You're just in your life over 40 years because of where you on the road before getting married and so on. We've done this a long time. We've seen the good, the bad, the ugly. We've seen great success and wonderful role models. We've also seen people crash and burn.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And, and that's horrible. So we've learned a lot. And who we ultimately, when you and I go home at the end of the day and we're going to be empty nesters in about four months after Lolo gets married, we got to live with each other. I know we got to be able to want to come home and do more than just scroll on our social media pages or sit there and watch another Netflix series.

Mary Alessi:
There's just not enough good ones anyway, though.

Steve Alessi:
That's nice. We, we have to be able to be in love after all these years while we still have everything that we're building. Because listen, you don't take a builder out of building mode.

Mary Alessi:
It's so true.

Steve Alessi:
Starting this church, building this church when we started all those years ago, 38 years ago or 28 years ago. Yeah, I, I don't turn a switch off.

Mary Alessi:
No, no.

Steve Alessi:
I feel like I'm starting to descend after 41 years of doing ministry. I'm 65. I think I've got, I can say it now I think I've got a good five years before everything's got to be fully transitioned away from me onto the next generation. I feel that, I feel good with it. The landing gear is not down. Coming down yet. No, I have some time. I'm still there.

Steve Alessi:
So the builder is always building.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
But becoming to me is going to be more important than what I build.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Because when I'm no longer building, am I happy with me? Are you happy with me?

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
That's going to be one of our greatest tell tale signs of did we become the people we're supposed to be?

Mary Alessi:
You know, Steve, the value of being self aware that you've always had, and I've had learned a lot of that from you being self aware before your others are aware. You're self aware. You're aware of your shortcomings, you're aware of the pitfalls. You're aware of the areas that you struggle with self control. You're aware of the areas that you walk in. Insecurity. You're aware of it, you're not afraid of it. Over the years you've really worked on being honest about those areas of your life so that you can become somebody who is less fearful, less insecure, less striving.

Mary Alessi:
You want to be that person. I was thinking about how we saw this morning on the news after, I don't know, I think 1950 was when the first food pyramid was in, was created and at the top of the food pyramid was whole grains and cereal and then it trickled all the way down and proteins are at the bottom. And I was thinking of how you can live all those years with the pyramid upside down. What happens when you get to the end of it? Well, they're saying we have a very sick society. Sick because of what we've been eating, sick because of who we've become. We've become fat, obese, we don't feel well, filled with all kinds of diseases. I really think that it's such important, it's such an important factor of this podcast that people get perspective about what we're talking about in 2026. Because we do live in a pretty sick world.

Mary Alessi:
More performance based than ever than ever. We didn't have to fight the Instagram, social media, YouTube giant and we still had to fight performance mentalities.

Steve Alessi:
Nothing's changed.

Mary Alessi:
Nothing's changed except it's just ramped up. It's just more available to be famous. Your phone makes you famous or makes you think you are. Right. But I think people need to understand that at some point you're going to have to flip that pyramid upside down.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because if you just keep living from a. I'm building, I'm building, I'm building to the young husband out there. If everything to you is just. I'm building this because I want my wife to have the next big house. I'm doing this for her because she wants the nice car and the nice watches and I want the kids to go to private school. Awesome. But is that what she wants? Have those conversations and make sure that that's sustainable. We know that we've walked away from a lot of rich, young ruler mentality people because we don't want to see the car accident.

Mary Alessi:
We don't want to see them wreck because we know they're headed for it. So why is this more than just a podcast about. Oh, who you're becoming? This is important, this is urgent. Because you can spend a lot of years building, building, building, building, building, and you haven't become anything.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Empty.

Mary Alessi:
Empty. And you've got a lot of life to live. Your 60s, your 70s, your 80s. The becoming part of you is what will sustain you in that season of your life.

Steve Alessi:
All right, girl. Well, we're not saying to stop building. We need to go ahead and build more. We're just saying focus on becoming. That's right. While you are building. Well, that's our episode for today. 2026 is going to be our year of harvest.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And maybe the biggest harvest is you finding peace within yourself and in your home while you're building a great life. Remember? Come on. Family Business with the Alessi's is here to help you build a great life while you become a great person. God bless.

Mary Alessi:
Thanks so much for joining the family business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share it with a friend and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time because family is everybody's business.