The player is loading ...
Becoming Team Us! How To Handle the Identity Changes of Marriage

From changing last names to tearing down walls, Gaby and her mother Mary dive into the bittersweet adventure of marriage, family, and forging a brand-new legacy while keeping the best parts of your identity!

True or false? Marriage means more than just changing a last name - it means changing EVERYTHING. 

Whether it's the bride and groom moving out for the first time, or the parents and siblings letting go of the past - everyone has to readjust to a new reality. 

 In this special conversation, Mary Alessi is joined by her youngest daughter, Gaby, for an honest and emotional discussion about one of life’s biggest transitions—getting married and leaving the nest. As Gaby prepares to walk down the aisle in just a few months, Mary and Gaby reflect on the bittersweet realities of changing your last name, building a new life with a spouse, and navigating the complex feelings that come with “leaving and cleaving.”

 Together, they share candid stories about wedding planning, buying a first home, and the delicate dance of blending two family cultures—all while holding onto the core values that shaped them. With plenty of laughs, a few tears, and wisdom for both parents and daughters, this episode is a must-listen for anyone experiencing or anticipating big shifts in the family dynamic.

 

Support the show

Join our Podience Textline!

You can connect with us via text to ask questions and get updates!

Text FAMILY to 302-524-0800

Get our TFB Newsletter

Join our TFB Newsletter and we'll send you a powerful FREE guide that will help you strengthen your family's values!

Click HERE to get your guide

Support the Family Business


Listen to the Alessi sisters' daily devotional podcast
My Morning Devotional


Join our family business every week as we talk about life, and help you build a great future with your family, no matter what business you are in.

New episodes are uploaded every Wednesday! 

More Resources

Get your copy of the new book by Steve Alessi,  “Forty-Two: A Guide to Finishing Well when You Thought You Were Finished”

Click HERE to get your copy! 

Connect with Us on YouTube

Don't forget to LIKE and SUBSCRIBE to our YouTube channel! 

Tap HERE to Subscribe 

Follow Us on Social!

Follow On Instagram

Connect on Facebook

Learn More about Metro Life Church:

https://metrolifechurch.com

Mary Alessi:
That reality of knowing, okay, you're. This is it. You're going to get married. You're going to cross that line.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And you are not in Alessi anymore.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You're not our little girl anymore.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's. I am Mary Alessi. And Steve Alessi is not in the booth today. Who I have is our youngest, our baby, number four.

Gaby Alessi:
Hello. Hello.

Mary Alessi:
The caboose. Our miracle. Our surprise. Surprise.

Gaby Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
Gabby Alessi now, but soon to be Kalathiyud.

Mary Alessi:
Can you say the last name?

Mary Alessi:
Kalatha Yud.

Mary Alessi:
Kalathayud.

Mary Alessi:
Calatayud

Mary Alessi:
Calatayud.

Mary Alessi:
Calatayud.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
A lot of you.

Mary Alessi:
A lot of you. Yes. Almost collatu. I've learned.

Mary Alessi:
You know what? I like Kalatiyud better? It's colada rubs instead of colada. Like pina colada. Yeah, Colada you. That's going to be her married name. She's marrying an amazing young man, Christian. And we'll talk about that today. Kind of how the cool story is. We're going to.

Mary Alessi:
We're going to jump into a subject today that I think is going to. I think it'll help all the dads of, of daughters and in the future raising them and kind of the dilemma you're faced when you raise awesome girls.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But it's a good thing. But we want to tell you this, make sure that you are listening to all our episodes. Good news, Gabby. Very, very, very excited because we are now just past 6,000 YouTube subscribers. 6,000 YouTube subscribers. Thank you. We want to thank our audience. We want to thank the family, those of you who listen regularly.

Mary Alessi:
We have some pretty crazy fans that love every episode. They can't wait for it to come out on Wednesdays. And you listen. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You share, you post, you text us, you write us, you email us and you let us know how much it's meant to you. That is everything to us. And speaking of emails, we want you to join our. Our email list.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Our newsletter.

Mary Alessi:
Our newsletter. And you can do that@business.com Newsletter Alessi family business.

Mary Alessi:
You got it.

Mary Alessi:
I read the second line. Let me go back. Alessifamily business.com. that's so easy. Slash newsletter.

Mary Alessi:
There we go. Okay.

Mary Alessi:
And get on our emailing list because we don't always want to be subject to social media. And this way we can personally send you the things that are happening here with us with our family, some of the latest and greatest. Maybe that might not make it to Social media, so make sure you are subscribed. It would mean a lot to us. Um, but things are happening here. Things are happening in the Alessi family business, not only with our podcast. It's growing and it's doing wonderful because of our listeners, but also in our family.

Gaby Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
And when things start to happen and grow, we. We got to get in here and share it with the family.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
And you, my dear, are getting married.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
In just three months.

Mary Alessi:
Three months.

Mary Alessi:
I think my phone today says 87 days, so I'm dating this episode. I apologize.

Gaby Alessi:
That's okay.

Mary Alessi:
87 days. So whenever this comes out, it might be in the 70s, maybe the 60.

Mary Alessi:
Mark, but we will definitely have you back in here.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
After you're married for a little while and find out how it's going. This is the before any drama.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, you know there's going to be drama. This is the before marriage, and we need to have the. Or the before the ceremony. And we need to have an after the ceremony to kind of talk about it.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, we will.

Mary Alessi:
But no, it's exciting. We're three months out for marriage. We're working on the wedding, planning the wedding. We're about to close on a home. Our first exciting town home, our first purchase. Big purchase for the two of us. So that's been really exciting, as well as stressful, because you're only used to taking care of yourself. And also, I was used to saving because I didn't have a lot of expenses.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
You and dad, you've blessed us so much. So I've been. Dad's always been like, save your money for when you need it. Well, now's when you need it. And you're like, everything that I've worked for is just going. And you're like, this is crazy, but it's worth it. So it's balancing all of that, but then also working on the honeymoon and doing things without the family. That's a weird part, is knowing that I am experiencing things now without you, without dad, without Lauren, and then without my other siblings.

Mary Alessi:
It's an adjustment.

Mary Alessi:
Well, it's a weird adjustment for us. And it's very weird and crazy for me, sitting here talking to you right now and hearing you talk about my first house, getting married, my honeymoon, my savings. Because to me, you are still getting a tissue. For those who are listening, I'm gonna try to cry. I might cry, too. You are my little girl, my baby, and it is just bananas. Yeah, it's bananas. Gabby, Alan's here, and you have three adults that are married and gone on.

Mary Alessi:
But you totally get it.

Mary Alessi:
Two that are married on one.

Mary Alessi:
And you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's one of those things that you can't really know until you're there.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That you see your kids as your kids when they're doing adult things.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And you are like our baby. You are little Gabby with those little rosy cheeks and you're talking about owning a house. And like, this is unnatural. This should not be happening.

Mary Alessi:
But you know, weird. I think it's good to talk about because I think when you are. And this is me speaking from watching you and dad. Right. And then also because we're in ministry, we see a lot of this. We see this happen a lot around us. But parents always say, oh, I can't wait for my kids to get married. I want them to be with the greatest people.

Mary Alessi:
And I. And it. It's such a prayer that. Or desire that you ask God for. But sometimes answered prayers are a hard adjustment. Can be a hard adjustment. And so it's not that the expectation versus reality is one to zero and one's bad and one's great. It's just an adjustment and you have to get used to it.

Mary Alessi:
I think this experience has taught me that life isn't black and white. There's not only right and wrong. You know, there's a lot of areas in life. There's a lot of things you do that there's a right way and there's a wrong way.

Gaby Alessi:
Sure.

Mary Alessi:
But I think getting married or about to be. To be married and getting a home and figuring out what to do for your wedding and your. Your trip that you're going to take and all of that. I'm learning that not every decision you make is the right decision or you made the wrong decision.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Like, there are little things in it that, hey, that's just what you guys do.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
You know, that's. That's our dynamic versus you and dad's dynamic. Or that's how you guys like to travel. But just because you don't travel like we do doesn't mean it's a bad way of traveling.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
That's something that I've learned. Now. I do believe marrying the right person. I want to say this. There is a right one. And I do believe there can be a wrong one. You want to be with the right person.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Mary Alessi:
And I'm so grateful that I did find. And God brought me the right person for my life because I think that's been something that's been confirmed in many people and in my heart and what the Lord has told me and confirmed in him. But there's little things along the way because I'm a very black and white thinker. You're either wrong or you're right. And so if you're wrong, then you're really wrong, and you go in the pile of wrong, and now you're always wrong. And I think now I'm learning with maturity of, like, okay, I might be wrong in this instance, but I could be right later. I don't know if that makes sense.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, it does. And I'm sorry. I am listening. But I just had this thought. Did I introduce you when we started this podcast?

Mary Alessi:
I think so.

Mary Alessi:
I did. Right. I said my youngest baby.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Because I want to back up a little bit and talk about maybe some things in this relationship and you being the youngest in the family, getting married before the third. Lauren is not married yet. She will be kind of jumping the line and skipping down and how that's been hard on our family, but yet we've rallied from it and we've found the good in it. And marriage is forever. Marriage is. It should be. You marry one and done. So it doesn't matter who gets married first, who gets married.

Mary Alessi:
Right. Making the right decision. But when you and Christian started talking after you were working together and we were seeing it from a distance, like, wow, this could be something. The. The. The timeline was going to be longer.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And I could handle the longer timeline. And it's not because. It's not because I wasn't ready for you to get married or it wasn't because I didn't think you could get married. As a matter of fact, dad and I made sure we married daughters that would do well in marriage.

Mary Alessi:
You raised daughters.

Gaby Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Thank you. Well, I don't know what I said. This is what's happening today. I need to focus. I might need to.

Mary Alessi:
You made sure that you raised daughters to be ready for marriage.

Mary Alessi:
I might need a double espresso in my Alessi podcast cup.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I'm just throwing that out there. Little caffeine might help me get back on track. No, but the point is, as a dad and mom, we made sure that we prepared you for marriage. We tried to the best of our ability, because there's things that only marriage can prepare you for that you just got to get married to find out. But it wasn't our doubt in you or of you. It's number one. That reality of knowing, okay, you're. This is it.

Mary Alessi:
You're Going to get married. You're going to cross that line. And you are not in Alessia anymore.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You're not our little girl anymore.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You were very proud of the woman you've become. But here's the part of the podcast I want us to hit that we might cry over.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah. Okay.

Mary Alessi:
That you. You're not an Alessian name, but you are our daughter raised with our values. That will never change.

Gaby Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
But you will take the name of your husband.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah. Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Now we've talked about this because when I married your dad, my father was a very well known songwriter and pastor. He wanted me legally to keep my last name, Mary Stallings Alessi. Well, it rolls off the tongue a little bit easier.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I didn't want to and I refused. And it was because, you know, the relationship with my father was strained and I wasn't proud of that. And dad kept trying to tell me, yeah, but it's the association because of the business you're in and people will know that you are a Stallings and they'll connect that with.

Mary Alessi:
He just.

Mary Alessi:
He was not of the nature to say, you're an Alessi now. Yeah, you're an Alessi.

Mary Alessi:
Which is interesting. Cause that wasn't his dad. No, Like I don't. It wasn't a culture thing for Dad. I think it was just dad's personality. Like it goes back to the nature of him. Didn't care because papa was very much so a urinalessi and wanted his daughters to keep the name.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, listen, Papa, God rest his soul. Sometimes he'd actually make fun of my mother in law's side of the family because he was from New York and she was from Mobile, Alabama. And he would tease about being a country girl and a redneck, but that's the culture. This city guy came and, you know, took you in and who wants to be grice? You're a lessee. You know, that's kind of how he was.

Mary Alessi:
Whereas dad didn't feel that way about.

Gaby Alessi:
No, no, no.

Mary Alessi:
But it wasn't. I don't know, it was just always our experience. So we have three daughters. Right. And as two are now getting married, it's very important to your husband, future husband, and two steph husband that you take their name.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And although we know that's right and we want that and we've raised you for that.

Gaby Alessi:
You.

Mary Alessi:
It really has been like a. Oh, my gosh. I didn't realize.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
They're not going to be a lessee anymore.

Gaby Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
And I won't cry, Because I will. You might, but it's a beautiful thing. Yeah, it's a beautiful thing because, you know, the Bible tells us that the two shall become one, and we put so much emphasis in a last name. And once you get married and we move on, we're not even saying your last name.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
You're just Christian and Gabby. So it's not like it's a shot at our last name or a way of them to be possessive. It's not that at all. It's the young men that you've attracted because you're strong. Women that we raised are strong men that say, we have family pride, too, and we want to build our homes. And it was in no way negative towards me and dad or dad's last name. None of that. It was not insecure, wasn't egomaniac.

Mary Alessi:
It wasn't any of that or machismo, as they say in Miami all the time. It's just the fact that our strong daughters have attracted Hispanic, strong young men.

Mary Alessi:
So far, Cuban.

Mary Alessi:
So far, Cuban.

Mary Alessi:
So for Cuban, I think it's a great topic to have because, first of all, we're seeing a lot of. Of girls keeping their name.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Today I saw something that. Like, Rita Ora. I think that's her name. Like, she proposed to her. Her fiance. Like, she got on one knee for him. And what we're seeing a lot is, like, women making, like, women taking the masculine role and making that normal, and men being kind of the feminine role.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Mary Alessi:
Meanwhile, it's. It's a heterosexual relationship. It's a guy and a girl, but women are taking that position. Um, I. I'll be honest. I think it's for attention. I think it's for an. Like, for an uproar.

Mary Alessi:
I think they want that. But you are seeing a lot of girls in Miami, a lot of girls around us, that they keep their name. And, you know, I respect it. I. I think it's. It's beautiful. It really is up to the couple. Some men, like you said, dad didn't care.

Mary Alessi:
Whereas some men, that. That is a priority for them.

Gaby Alessi:
That.

Mary Alessi:
That is. It's. It's a part of their pride.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
But the good part of them, Right. When. When it started to become real, when we got engaged, we talked about it, and I always liked the idea of keeping it and. And making it part of my legal name. But I love my middle name, too.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
So I told Christian. I was like, hey, what if I keep it and I'll have four names? Well, if I would have done that it would have been Gabrielle, Faith, Alessi, Claudio.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That's not way too many.

Mary Alessi:
No one is ever going to say your name.

Mary Alessi:
No one's ever going to say my name.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
Well, then the more we talked about it, I was like, I'm not even. I'm never gonna see Alessi. Like, for me to try to keep all four, I will refer to myself as. As Gabby Claudio. So the more that he and I had talked about it and everything, you know, you argue. It's part of it.

Gaby Alessi:
You.

Mary Alessi:
You. I don't want to say argue, but you discuss it intensely and emotionally.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because you negotiate.

Mary Alessi:
You negotiate. Because what's beautiful about our relationship is we both come from very strong families. How our family does things. His family is very similar. They're very close. And the Kalalud pride is very strong, and it's a beautiful thing. It's one of the things I love most about him because he understands our family, because he has his family.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
But with that comes. He's gonna want me to be a full klatiud and to carry on that name.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
So when we sat down, I was like, well, I think you also have to consider where I'm coming from, because I think when you're the guy, you think the girl just wants to hold on to the parents. Right?

Mary Alessi:
Sure. That's my coffee coming in.

Mary Alessi:
That's your coffee.

Gaby Alessi:
Thanks.

Mary Alessi:
I was like, people just walk in here.

Gaby Alessi:
Thank you. Thank you, Mel.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, they do. Just walk in here.

Gaby Alessi:
Thank you, Mel.

Mary Alessi:
Hey, Mel.

Mary Alessi:
I will be more coherent now.

Mary Alessi:
No, but when we were sitting in the conversation, we both. I told him, I said, you know, this isn't about me holding on to my family.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And this isn't about me trying to be an Alessi, because, oh, my God. I just. I want to be in a lessee, and I want people to know me as an Alessi.

Gaby Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
It's a part of my life that I have so identified with. Like, I. And I don't think guys realize this. Like, that's a part of who I am. I'm an Alessi girl. Like, when people are walking around the church, they're like, oh, the Alessi girls are here. Like, that's who I was growing up. My.

Mary Alessi:
Our dad. Not our dad. My dad. Your husband?

Mary Alessi:
No, he's not my dad.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
He tries to act like my dad and tell me what to do, but it doesn't work.

Mary Alessi:
But dad would sit us down and he would say, you know, as Alessies, we do A, B and C. Yeah. So that has shaped who I am. And so to just leave the name, it's not as simple as it might be for other people.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But also for me. To not accept his name would be to disrespect something that he wants to do.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
And something he wants to carry. And what was beautiful was when. When I shared this with him. And, I mean, I was crying even more. I'm like. I'm like, you don't understand. Like, this isn't about my dad. This isn't about my mom.

Mary Alessi:
This is about, like, where I come from.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And who I am. And he sat back and he said, you know, and this is why I love him. He goes, I don't want to just make you a Kaladiyud.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I want to become our own Kaleid.

Gaby Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
And he says, that's really good. You're not just going to come and be a part of. Of my family now, like, oh, you're another Kaleid girl. He's like, people might say that, but what I want to do is I want to create our own branch, our own family.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Where in culture and in mindset and attitude, we're. We're bringing in both families.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Like, and I think for girls, you get scared because you just go, oh, my gosh. Because I'm taking his name. Am I going to do everything that he's like, they all do. Which is. They're. Honestly, I couldn't have had it any better. Families operate so similar.

Mary Alessi:
Right, right, right. And they're a lot of fun.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, my.

Mary Alessi:
They're a lot of fun.

Mary Alessi:
They raise. They've raised their kids the same way. They think the same way. They love the Lord. Like, everything is great, but you just have comfort zones as your own family. And there's. This is what I meant earlier by. It's not black and white.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
It's just different.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Like, my. Our family's not wrong and his family's right. Or vice versa. They're just different dynamics. So I'm learning, like, okay, we can take. Even though we'll take their name. We might eat food like we eat at the Alessi household.

Gaby Alessi:
Sure.

Mary Alessi:
Or we might talk, like, Alessi's talk. Or, you know, our schedule is going to look different. It's not. You're a colladi. You're going to be with the kids. You're in Alessi. You're going to be in Alessi.

Gaby Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And I think sometimes the. And I don't want to make it spiritual. All the time. But I do think the enemy likes to do that with girls. Like, when you're about to get married, where you have that fear of, like, oh, my gosh, are we just gonna become, like, your family? Or are you just gonna. And. And the guys think, are we just gonna be your family?

Mary Alessi:
Right, right, right, right.

Mary Alessi:
When really the enemy does that to divide the two of you. Sure. When you need to sit down and go, let's combine the best parts of both of our families. And this isn't about a last name. It's about the culture.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And how can we do things? What did you like about your family? How can we do that with ours? What did I like about my family? How can we bring that into the house? So when he said that, it really settled my heart. And not that it takes away the sadness, the little bit of grieving that you're gonna have, but it does get me excited for the family that we are gonna create.

Mary Alessi:
And what you learn once you get married is you don't ever stop being Gabby Alessi. You become everything that you were, and then everything that now God has destined for you to be with this person and whose name happens to be Khaladiyud.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So you are Gabby Kaladiyud Khaladiud. I'll get it right. It might take me a little while.

Mary Alessi:
By the end of this, we should know how to say yes.

Mary Alessi:
And you are what you and Christian create together. But you take all the good from your family dynamic that you grew up with, all the good that he grew up with, and you put that together, and you have this new thing that's just so wonderful. And the reality is, your last names don't really matter anymore except to identify you as to who you are. What really matters more than anything is what you've drawn from the support you've had and how you were raised and all of that, and how you put that now into use in your marriage.

Gaby Alessi:
Exactly.

Mary Alessi:
But honestly, Gabby, marriage, going into it, it's filled with so many fears and what ifs and the maybes and the things that you're. The worried that you might be the worried. I can talk. One more drink of coffee.

Gaby Alessi:
I'll get it.

Mary Alessi:
The things you might be worried about.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. The most. That's where the the was coming in. I just put it in the wrong place. The most are the things that pop up the least. And then there's just new things you didn't even know to be afraid of. Right, Alan? The things that you didn't know would be conflict yeah, but that's marriage. That's the two becoming one.

Mary Alessi:
There's a dying to self that has to happen. And it is a very beautiful, painful thing. But it's just so wonderful you. You get to that place. And I remember when, when your dad and I got married, and we've talked about this so much on this podcast that that time we, we were. We'd only known each other for one year. The day we got married.

Mary Alessi:
Crazy.

Mary Alessi:
Like from the day we met, the day we got married. It was one year exactly. Wild nuts. But we did it. And I remember we just had not discussed enough, you know, we had not talked about some of the important things. And So I was 19, he was 26. So when we got married and we've. I've talked about this.

Mary Alessi:
I don't know what episode, but in full. But there's that story where dad got so mad at me because I didn't want to clean the kitchen. I just wanted to go to bed and the kitchen was a mess. And he want. His was ocd. You know, I didn't know what OCD was. I'd never heard of it. And I joke, but he was very clean.

Mary Alessi:
And it was all about order and chaos. Looking back now, that conflict, which turned into a blow up where he called my mom and said, come get her, because I don't, I can't. I want my money back.

Mary Alessi:
It was my dowry back.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, exactly. It was really more about dad's personality needing to control chaos. Everything else, all the other areas of his life were in chaos. Our job, our. His family, his mom and dad. There was so much chaos he couldn't control. Cleaning the sink was the one thing he could control.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
And he wanted to get in there and help me. I didn't want to clean it. And it just became a petty battle. So the truth is, I didn't know that for years. I didn't know how to psychologically analyze that. No, for years. But over the years, as I've matured and he's matured, you kind of walk into an awareness and a knowing and. And maturity helps.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah. Right.

Mary Alessi:
But when you are getting married in that first, that beginning stage of marriage, you don't even really know what's ahead of you with each other. And that's why it's such a blessing that you both honor where you've come from.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And keeping the name is just really more. Or wanting to is really more just symbolic of honoring the place you've come from. Him wanting to give you his name is just really symbolic of him being proud of the place he's come from. Can you imagine that? You didn't have that. What if he wasn't proud of his family name? He's like, I'm sorry, I gotta yoke you with these drug addicts, you know, or these people. I mean, I'm so proud of my family, and I'm proud of who I am. And that's healthy.

Mary Alessi:
It is.

Mary Alessi:
And if me and dad were selfish and he egotistical and a maniac about, well, you need to keep her. What's wrong with you? And we make Christian look like a. Like he's a machismo trying to control our daughter. We're missing the whole point, missing the plot.

Mary Alessi:
Well, I think it's so one of the things. It was interesting. So in. In our conversation, one of the things he and I kind of negotiated was I. I really just love the name Alessi. And so I wanted to keep it part of the name. But I've always thought about passing it on as either a middle name or a first name to one of our kids, our future kids. So when we were talking about it, he sat back, he goes, okay, I'll make a deal with you.

Mary Alessi:
You either keep the name or you don't keep it. And one of our kids gets to have it. Well, for me, I was like, I'll take the kids.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely. Because we'll say the name.

Mary Alessi:
We'll say the more. And. And it's not. Again, it's not. It's not about, like, I need to hold on to my family, but I think it's a beautiful thing to throw into that.

Mary Alessi:
It's a beautiful name.

Mary Alessi:
It's a beautiful name. But then when I sat back and I was like, I want you to know I want your name.

Mary Alessi:
I love your name.

Mary Alessi:
That's right. I feel I'm already building its own pride, the joy that that brought him.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
And I. I do think it's learning, and I know we have a lot more learning to do, so I'm buckling up. But even on this side of marriage.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Starting to sow seeds of honor by taking his name. I don't think us girls realize what that speaks to him.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
What that shows him, what it releases in him. What it releases in him. You know why? Because I will have kids that are going to be just like. I'm going to have daughters that are going to be crying that they have to neglect and leave the name Khaladi.

Mary Alessi:
You better believe it.

Mary Alessi:
So that's why I think it's so important to keep his name because I don't want our kids to. To kind of be conflicted. Where are we? Which family are we a part of?

Mary Alessi:
That's very true.

Mary Alessi:
Are we more like Dad's family or are we like mom's family? Because that's already going to happen.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Mary Alessi:
Growing up, I would. Man, you're always compared, right. Oh, you're like Dad's family, or you're more like Mom's side. Or you look more like Mom. You look more. That's already going to happen. So sometimes if the names are involved, it actually might confuse your kids.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Not fully confuse them, but they do feel tied. Oh, I'm more like Alessia. Or I'm more like Glad you. And I want to have girls and a son or sons. I keep thinking our family. I want multiple sons, but I want to have kids that are proud of that name. Kladiyud.

Gaby Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
But I can't expect that if I'm not proud of it.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Because they're going to follow my lead as well. They're going to follow if. If mom has it, you know, if it's both of them. And so I think it's sowing seeds of honor on this side of our marriage that I want to take your. Your name. I even have friends already that call me future Mrs. Kali. Whenever they see me, they go, future Mrs.

Mary Alessi:
Claudia.

Mary Alessi:
That's awesome.

Mary Alessi:
And I've always received it. I'm like, I love it. I love it. Well, there's one time Christian heard them say that, and the smile on his face, how he just stood up a little bit taller. He was so grateful that people were starting to call me that and that I loved the response. Like, he saw me and he was like, you like. Like that filled him with so much pride and joy. And I.

Mary Alessi:
I think it's just a good way to start your marriage on the right foot and to show him. I'm honoring you, I'm honoring your family and where you come from. Because we both have very strong families and on our side, you know, we all work together. We see each other all the time. He doesn't have that blessing with his family. They don't all get to work together and see each other. So this is a way that we show and love that part of his family.

Mary Alessi:
Well, it is also a godly principle. It is the order of the kingdom. It's what marriage is covenanted to be. It's what God has designed it to be. The woman takes the man's last name you know, I did not know this, but in. I think it's China, Gabby, that when a girl marries, she takes care. My mom told me this. She takes care of her in laws.

Gaby Alessi:
Really.

Mary Alessi:
So the son takes care of the family, of the mother and father. So the daughter leaves her mom and dad. Wow.

Mary Alessi:
Because the, because her brother is taking care of them. Right.

Mary Alessi:
If they have a son. So let's put it this way. It's a Chinese family. They have two daughters, okay. Both those daughters are going to marry. Their parents will have no one to.

Mary Alessi:
Care for them because their custom is the daughter in law.

Mary Alessi:
The daughter in law takes care of the son's parents in their old age. They don't go back and take care of their parents. Isn't that crazy? And that's just a culture that's very weird, but in, in, in the kingdom culture, the wife takes the husband's last name. But anyway, I think that is, it's spiritual, it's godly. And when it's godly, it, it just flows. Because now when Stephanie married Chris. Christopher Moynia.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
There are.

Mary Alessi:
Thought I would never say his name. I mean, Grandmammy kept calling him Wiener.

Mary Alessi:
Wiener.

Mary Alessi:
How do I say wiener? We're like, you don't say it that way. Yeah, it's a wiener.

Mary Alessi:
She could not say munya.

Mary Alessi:
She could not say moenya.

Gaby Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
So she doesn't. She'll just say Chris and Steph.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But now I don't know Stephanie outside of being. No, Stephanie. Munya.

Mary Alessi:
It. It's beautiful how the transition happens fast.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But you still, you still see the Alessi on Stephanie. Like, Stephanie hasn't lost anything from how she was raised.

Mary Alessi:
No. Because it's more than a last name.

Mary Alessi:
It's more than a last name.

Mary Alessi:
It's a, It's a culture system.

Mary Alessi:
And you know what I love is like, you're seeing her kids. Like, her kids have our personality. Like her kids have our sense of humor. Her kids are. They remind us a lot of ourselves.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So it shows you that, that, that carries on and it, it does continue. But.

Mary Alessi:
Well, you know why I think there's so much divorce in Hollywood? Because they don't divorce. They never take, they get married and they never take their spouse's last name. The women, the actresses keep their stage names.

Gaby Alessi:
Well, it's true.

Mary Alessi:
And you think. I think the divorce rate in Hollywood is like 80% or something. It's high. It's high. It's high. In Hollywood, it might be 90. It's like they say the chances of a Marriage working is impossible.

Mary Alessi:
If it's 80, that's because a lot of people aren't getting married today at all. So they're just getting together, living together and breaking up.

Gaby Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
That's why it's not higher than.

Mary Alessi:
But for years, women kept. Actresses, kept their stage names.

Mary Alessi:
But, mom, it's such a. You're probably gonna say it now. It really is an act of. I'm gonna be.

Gaby Alessi:
I don't.

Mary Alessi:
I don't wanna offend anybody. We've offended a lot of people on this podcast.

Mary Alessi:
I think at times, for certain people, right. When you don't surrender that and you fully submit to your husband, it's a. It's a sign of selfishness on your part.

Mary Alessi:
That's a fact.

Mary Alessi:
Because you are wanting to hold on to who you are, right? What works for you, how you sound, how you look, how people. How people kind of associate you, like, oh, you're. You're an Alessi. Oh, yes, we know you. Or you're a Stallings. We know you. So when you hold on to it, it's this. It's an identity for you that you don't want to let go of.

Mary Alessi:
And at the beginning of your marriage, you're already communicating to your husband that I want what I want more than what you want.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And that is a bad foundation because then.

Mary Alessi:
Well, it's an attitude.

Mary Alessi:
It's an attitude that shows up in.

Mary Alessi:
Every area of your marriage. I'm going to hold on to me. I'm not going to bring all of me and lay it down for the good of this marriage. I'm holding on to a piece of me, my identity, who I have been and not surrender to, who the two of us together will be. And that's very. That's a marriage that most likely won't last.

Mary Alessi:
Well, I think also something. And I. I don't want to be like, I. This was a sign for me. But, like, I remember growing up, whenever there was any guy that I was interested in, I always hated their last name.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Like, I always thought I could never. I never want their last name. I don't. I don't want to be known as, like, yeah, I had very high standards because I loved our last name. I thought it was super strong. Khaladiyud was the only last name, only last name that I was like, I'd be willing to give up. Bless you for. And I don't think that the more and more that we've been together, I think it was because of the person and the man that Christian Is.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That it, it kind of was through the last name that I like. At first it was just a last name thing, but then the more I was with him, I was like, no, it's, it's him. I'm. He is somebody that I am willing to follow.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And sometimes as girls, you can kind of settle for things with guys. And if you aren't willing to fully submit to him and say, he, I will follow you, you can change my name. Whatever it is. Sometimes that shows that you, you don't fully trust or you're not sure about the relationship, if that spooks you, if that scares you to take his last name that you're like, I don't want it and I'm speaking to the girls that are dating. But like, if you're dating somebody and you don't know how your life's going to be and if he's going to lead you, well, sometimes that comes up in the, in the last name. You're nervous to take on that name.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
Because you're nervous to take on his culture, where he comes from, what he's.

Mary Alessi:
All about, or give in and be vulnerable and make a decision that will last a lifetime. Marriage is very, very all consuming from the perspective of I have to give all of me.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
For this to be successful. He has to give all of him for this to be successful. You can't have me or dad in the rear view mirror, the side view mirrors. We can't be an influence in your life. His parents can't be. Except from the perspective of what we've taught you, to care for one another and value marriage, obviously, and your faith. But when you get out there in marriage, the two become one. You're on your own.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And obviously you have God there with you to guide you through. But the truth is, any parent that would still continue to meddle in your life after you're married, either side is only doing irreparable or irreparable damage. Alan was reminding me today that one of the most listened to podcast is Leaving and Cleaving. That we have is Leading and Cleaving, he said, to the point where he wants people to know us as Believe and Cleave Podcast.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And the truth is, Gabby, I wanted to have this conversation with you today because I wanted people to understand, even from us, we are tested in this area because we, we talk about leaving and cleaving and we put all that auspices and pressure on the daughter who's leaving or the son who's leaving. But what's the opposite of leave and cleave, Sinned and stay. Stay or stay and hold on.

Mary Alessi:
Keep and stay and hold on. Yes.

Mary Alessi:
And it's manipulation.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You have to send out.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And release.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
As parents.

Mary Alessi:
Well, can I say something? I think. I think there is, for example, like, if you. If you want to experience. Experience all that. I'm trying to think of a good analogy. If you want to experience all that Disney has to offer. Disney World has so many things that you can do, but there's an experience, there's a full experience that you have to walk through. When you go to Disney and you're just walking around without the Mickey ears on and without the magic band, and you're not getting it.

Mary Alessi:
You're like. You're kind of like, half doing Disney.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
But you're not getting the full magic of Disney. You're not getting the full experience when you go there and you're like, I've got my Mickey ears, my T shirt on. I'm staying at the hotel on the property. And that's when everybody that created Disney and puts Disney on is like, thank God you're getting the full experience.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
I don't think you will get the full experience of marriage if you're not giving yourself fully to it and doing the things that it requires.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
So the whole thing of you want to enjoy the intimacy of marriage, you want to enjoy living with that person, you want to enjoy going on trips, whatever you want to do, but meanwhile, in your heart, you are staying and holding on to your parents.

Mary Alessi:
No, you can't.

Mary Alessi:
You can't do that. No, you're not going to experience everything.

Mary Alessi:
Neither has to offer, but neither can your parents hold on to you. And we talk. We. We talk a lot in this booth about, like I said, leaving and cleaving. But something that dad and I have been faced with being honest and transparent, okay. Is the desire instinctively to want to hold on. But no, you cannot. Right.

Mary Alessi:
And it is an instinct of a good parent to want to protect your kids. That's why when we started the podcast and I said, you were the youngest, you're getting married, you're the caboose, and you're getting married before Lauren. For a parent, birth order is important. It just is. It's who we are. We can't help it. It's in our DNA. And there's something about, like, if the oldest was the last to get married, like, that's a failure to launch on our part.

Mary Alessi:
And we don't Want that. Now, that's not true. Because God has purpose and destiny and a plan and a path for all of our kids that have nothing to do with us. We prepare them, but then God takes it from there. Because ultimately, what we know we have to remind ourselves of daily is, Gabby's not ours. She's not Christians. She's not even hers.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
No, she is the Lord's.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Christian is not Maria and Tony's. He's not ours. He's not yours. He belongs to God. So, you know, that's the part about when you raise amazing kids that you love to be with and they love to be with you. And that's the case of both you and Christian. It's bittersweet, but the sweet way outweighs the bitter. And the thought of you guys together, making a family, having a home is just so sweet.

Mary Alessi:
That understanding that the importance of me and dad having strong influence over you, a lot of influence over you, you guys wanting to please us, I mean, that's one thing about you and your sisters and your brother that we just so love and we appreciate is how much you honor and respect us.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And we've been very influential in your lives, but we also have to. We understand we got a back way up.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
There's a time in your lives where we have to say, we will be here for you. But our voice is not the main voice or the voice that matters the most. You gotta find God's voice, and you gotta find one another's voice. And that's the direction we have to push you in rather than wanting to hold onto you.

Mary Alessi:
And that's the hardest. That's been the hardest part. So it's funny, in our premarital class, they talked about the two things you'll struggle with when it comes to leaving cleaving. You will either. It's the difference between dependence and allegiance. So dependence is you fully depend on your parents for decision making and even material things and taking care of you and helping you and guiding you. So that's dependence. And then allegiance is always feeling like you have to represent and stand with your family.

Gaby Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And what they think, you think, what they do. I do. So when we sat in our premarital class, it was interesting because Christian, they asked us, which one will you struggle with the most? And the majority of the guys, including Christian, said the dependence, whereas all the girls said allegiance. Where it's not going to be difficult. And it might be, but I'm not nervous about depending on Christian for finances and being with him. And even. Even emotionally depending on him that I'm not worried about because I'm used to depending on people. The thing that I'm going to struggle with is my alliance and who I am I aligned to, who am I standing with?

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And that's the adjustment that I think all girls really have to. Or all girls struggle making.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, yes.

Mary Alessi:
That when your husband says something and your parents might say something opposite or different, your alliance or allegiance is to your parents. Right now. It's to you guys.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
What you say is just what I go with. Because for the last 25 years, that's what.

Mary Alessi:
That's all you've ever known.

Mary Alessi:
That's all I've ever known. We've been at restaurants and. And some awful waiter was rude to dad, and we'd all go, dad, come on, back off of him. And dad would go, no, you are aligned with me. You stick up for me. Like, we're together in this. The same is said now in this new season. But that's what I've been used to.

Mary Alessi:
So it's that transition of, okay, now I have to. I have to align with Christian. I have to be on his side. We are a team now. I'm on his team, and this is the greatest team. Like, that's what I have to see. That's what I have to believe. And it doesn't mean that now I'm against the family.

Mary Alessi:
I'm against his family. I'm against my family. Nobody's against each other. But for this to be successful and fruitful, we have to be together. And I. I can't keep being a. Aligned to what? Everything the family does. Like, I can't.

Mary Alessi:
Like I told him the other day, I have to always tell myself that it doesn't mean, like, family's against each other. Like, nobody's against each other.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
You just want Apocalypse barbecue and they want sushi tonight.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
It doesn't mean you're wrong and they're right.

Mary Alessi:
No, no, no, no, no.

Mary Alessi:
It's just you're different. You want different things.

Mary Alessi:
I think one of the sweetest things that helped me that Melanie Gomez said, a friend of ours for many years, at Rachelle's bridal shower, I don't know if you remember this. She stood up because we were asking everybody to give words of wisdom to Rachelle about marriage, and she stood up and she said it so perfectly and poignantly. Melanie's good at that. She goes, you know, if I ever wanted to reduce conflict in my marriage, I always sided. I put on The T shirt. Team Tony.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I am team Tony. I don't care if I agree, if I disagree, if I think he's being a hothead, if I think he's wrong. It doesn't matter if he's right. Wrong, unfair, being emotional. It did not matter. She said, I always got the best results. Things always worked out to peace. If I in the moment was just, I'm team Tony.

Mary Alessi:
And I thought about that from a male, female perspective. Because guys naturally side with each other.

Mary Alessi:
Always.

Mary Alessi:
They're always team my bro.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
And they think in terms of team, they. They are automatic. It is like a natural reaction and response for them that you stick with your bro. You don't throw your bro. Your bro under the bus in public. If you're. If your friend acted out, you. You either.

Mary Alessi:
You keep your mouth shut and you don't say anything. Maybe later you do. But you defend your brother. You stand with your brother. Girls are not automatically that way.

Gaby Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
We are more automatic to go, well, who's right in the situation. I stand with the person who's right. And you're being emotional and you're being ridiculous and you're embarrassing me and you're out of control.

Mary Alessi:
Don't take me with you.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
I'm not on your side.

Mary Alessi:
You're wrong.

Mary Alessi:
I'm on the right side of things. Yeah. We're.

Mary Alessi:
Or. Which you'll be prone to do. That's not what my dad would do. Or that's not what my mom and dad. Trust me, those things come up.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And if you can resist that and switch from being automatic team. Being in the middle.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Failure to pick a team.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Okay. Which is creating conflict and confusion. But for you. But what it can. What it relays to your. Oh, my God, what's wrong. What the message it sends to a husband is I'm not team you.

Mary Alessi:
Exactly.

Mary Alessi:
I'm not on your team. And most men are wired. Very simple. It's a very simple thing. They want to know the woman in their life is on their side.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Just like their bros are.

Mary Alessi:
And they really do think. Someone told me this. They men go, if you're not with me, you're against me.

Gaby Alessi:
Oh.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, my gosh.

Mary Alessi:
Like, that's the truth. It's A plus one. A plus one. A plus B equals C for them. Like, you're not with me. Okay. Then you're against me. Whereas, like us women go, I'm not with you, but I'm with this person.

Mary Alessi:
But that. They're not against you. Like us. We Think it's so complex. And they're like, no, if you're not with me, you're against me.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, but you're wrong. And you were emotional, and that was.

Mary Alessi:
Rude, and there's no sides.

Mary Alessi:
And they're like, no, we'll deal with that later. Be. Be the right wife in the moment.

Mary Alessi:
That's a little.

Mary Alessi:
That's a little marriage wisdom for you. That's for free. That you'll have. But honestly, honestly, honestly, you cannot ever go wrong as a wife by siding with your spouse. Now, I know there's going to be people that listen that are going to be in the. In the extremes and in the margins, not in. You know, they're the exception to the rule. I'm speaking to the rule.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, not the exceptions where there's abuse or manipulation or somebody's married to a narcissist. That's not who we're talking to. What we're talking to is the rule.

Mary Alessi:
The.

Mary Alessi:
The average young woman who marries a good young man, that's the average side with him.

Mary Alessi:
And we're also speaking to married people.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Mary Alessi:
Because there's plenty of girls that are out there that could be listening, and they're dating somebody, and they adapt this mindset too early.

Mary Alessi:
No, that's true.

Mary Alessi:
Because I think you need to be sensitive as a girl to not give your allegiance to a man.

Mary Alessi:
No, no, no.

Mary Alessi:
This is.

Mary Alessi:
This is for marriage.

Mary Alessi:
You've got a ring on your finger, maybe two rings, because it's your. Your wedding band.

Mary Alessi:
I don't even think that I'm going to be controversial here, but I know what I'm talking about.

Gaby Alessi:
I've been.

Mary Alessi:
I've lived a long time.

Gaby Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
A long while. Right. Ashley. Ashley, this is our. This is a joke we've had today. Instead of saying decades or instead of saying a whole lot of years, we. We've adopted now a while.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
So I've been alive a while, and I can tell you this. I already forgot what I was gonna say.

Mary Alessi:
You were saying this is not. This is for married people. Not even engaged people. That I was going to say. I knew you're.

Mary Alessi:
I don't think. Until you are in the covenant of marriage and you have publicly said I do. That those same rules apply. I agree. Because you're still in the. Maybe land the rings there. But the commitment has not been made to where you take the vow, and it's legal and binding.

Mary Alessi:
I. As a fiance. I agree.

Mary Alessi:
And once it's legal and binding and there's a ring and you have declared Before God and men. I do. I take you. You're. There's still some wiggle room there that dating or engaged land.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that's where you got to be careful that if you're seeing something in the engagement period, that's off in your spouse.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You still have an out.

Mary Alessi:
Well, you know why this is important because there are a lot of listeners that might not have a good relationship with their dad, their parents. They might be wanting to get rid of their last name as fast as they can.

Mary Alessi:
Now, that was me. I'm sorry. That's sad. But it's true.

Mary Alessi:
You can put your trust in somebody that is not right for you.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
And. Cause you're trying to run from this culture, family, last name, parents, maybe dad, whatever it is. You're so quickly just to run to something. And sometimes you run to the wrong.

Mary Alessi:
Thing or somebody who's over promising they're gonna under deliver.

Mary Alessi:
Exactly. And you get in a situation, man, that you're just not. You're not ready for, you don't want. And you sit back and you go, I did not see this. And you were so focused on just getting out and leaving that you left. And now you are cleaving to somebody prematurely.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And I think it's. I think it's really good for girls. Like if you're dating somebody and if, if you're newly. Whatever it is. Like, I'm going through this process because part of engagement is preparing you.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
You. You need to be. It's not like, oh, don't leave, don't leave in cleave until you get married. Like it's, It's a slow process.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But it's a vetting season.

Mary Alessi:
It is. But even in engagement, these are, are all questions that are being answered. Even when you're engaged.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
Leave.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Mary Alessi:
You feel comfortable cleaving to this person. And I think with girls, we are so dependent and we're so attached so quickly that you can be in a relationship with somebody and you've been dating them for four years and you're just waiting for a ring and he's got no plans for a ring. And in your mind, you're already, you're already married. You're already married. You're. You may be. You've already been intimate, so you've just fully given yourself to him. And I think that prematurely you're not going to get the blessing in that that you will when you're married.

Mary Alessi:
So you can play house. We can try to be married. As much as we want. But there's no marital blessing in it. Because you're not married yet.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
And so that's just where, like, even with Christian and I, we. We keep saying it, like, oh, my gosh, we can't wait to. To be at home together. We can't wait to walk in. We can't wait for him to not have to drop me off. Right. Or for him to drop me off.

Mary Alessi:
Like, yeah, me too.

Mary Alessi:
I know.

Gaby Alessi:
Me, too.

Mary Alessi:
I know. I'm like, I'm so ready. I.

Mary Alessi:
We can't wait to not have to coordinate our days and be like, hey, what are you doing? Oh, I'm working. What time do you get off? Like, I'm just. I just can't wait to be there with him. But all of this time is preparing us. We're not married yet. We're not ready for that season yet.

Mary Alessi:
You know what's so funny is the things that you think you're prepared for. You get married and you realize your biggest fight is over a couch.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, my God.

Mary Alessi:
It's not even over the things that you prepared for and you read the book about. It's none of that. It's none of that. It's over the couch and where you want to put it in the house. The biggest fight your dad and I had, I'm talking about a, as we say in the South, a raw dog, okay? Was we were moving into the house we raised y' all in, and it was too big for us, but God blessed us with this house because of the hurricane, and we moved into it, and we had a piano that a lady in the church had given us a baby grand. And I wanted it, okay? I wanted it in front of the French doors. He could not understand why I would block the French doors. And I said, because we don't go out of those French doors.

Mary Alessi:
We never go out. Why can't we put it there? You can't put it there, Mary. It has to be here. It was a. I kid you not. It was a difference of a foot. 12 inches here or here? Watch me. Camera.

Mary Alessi:
Audience, was it here or was here? No, the fight was over 12 inches. Yeah, I wanted it here. He wanted it here. And it's so funny when you look back over your marriage and the things that you thought were going to be the breaking point or the biggest battle or the biggest fight. If you handle your engagement right, if you handle the dating season right, if you honor your families, if you walk into the season right, none of those things will ever come up again.

Gaby Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
All of those little mountains and hills you had to climb. Am I going to give up my name? Am I going to take his name? All those fears. All of that is like, why were we even worried about that? They just dissolve like sugar and water.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
The thing that you're gonna have the biggest battle over is where to put the couch, where he thought it should go. Or where you. And you want to look at him and go, will you just mind your own business? Let me put the. Almost said something. Would you let me put the couch or the piano or whatever where I want? I'm the woman. I know what I'm doing.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
But that's the part of marriage where the two are becoming one. And the compromises.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
That you have to make. That you want a white couch and he wants a black leather couch.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That you want the house to look beautiful and he wants it to look like a man cave.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, my gosh. Well, everything he wants. If he could paint every wall black, he would.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, my word.

Mary Alessi:
Have some dimension. No, the argument now. The argument now is what wall to tear down. And if we should tear it down, and if he could have it, he'd put a sledgehammer to every single wall and make.

Mary Alessi:
And just open them all up. And you'd have no kitchen.

Mary Alessi:
And you'd have no kitchen. And I'm like, I like dummett. I like. I like multiple rooms. I do. I think the open floor plan is beautiful, but I also think it's gonna. I think it's trendy, and I think it's about to go out. And I think people like to have a different room you can walk into.

Mary Alessi:
I like that people can be in the dining room while I'm in the living room, and we don't have to see each other. I think it's wonderful. He does not. So then when on my side.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, listeners, would you please just stretch forth your hands?

Mary Alessi:
I know my side is keep the wall. His side is get rid of the wall. And then the one thing that changed my mind, and this is where it gets interesting, is when dad came in, you came in, and you guys said, tear down the wall. And I'm like, okay, we can tear down the wall. We sided with him, and he looked at me like, I'm gonna kill you.

Mary Alessi:
Well, I really think this is one of those conversations that our listeners need to jump in on. You need to comment. You need to let us know what has been the biggest obstacle I Will bet you.

Mary Alessi:
And do. Do we keep the wall or not?

Mary Alessi:
Do you keep the wall or tear down the wall?

Mary Alessi:
We sound like Gorbachev. We sound like America right now.

Mary Alessi:
Tear down that wall. We can put the pictures in the newsletter.

Mary Alessi:
That's a great idea of the old house. Yeah, we'll let the people vote, but.

Mary Alessi:
We'Ll let the inspections decide whether or not we can tear down the wall or not.

Mary Alessi:
And everybody, if you. This is not to plug myself, but come or follow my Instagram because then I'm going to. I'm going to.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, you are. You're going to vlog it.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, I want to post more about this because we're.

Mary Alessi:
That's a good idea.

Gaby Alessi:
Home.

Mary Alessi:
We got a town home that is super old. Smells like cigarettes, mold everywhere, like carpeted everything is going to be ripped out. We got it for a great price in like the most beautiful neighborhood.

Mary Alessi:
We think it's nice. We can only stand there for five minutes because we had to get out. It was just so.

Mary Alessi:
It smells so bad. But we are in the same zip code as both of our parents.

Mary Alessi:
How sweet is that?

Mary Alessi:
Which is super sweet. So we're at like a mile point. 1.2.8 miles from you and dad and 2 point or 2 point like 1 mile from miles from parents.

Mary Alessi:
You're right there. And we didn't ask for that.

Mary Alessi:
No, we.

Mary Alessi:
Mom and dad didn't ask for that. You guys found it.

Mary Alessi:
It's so sweet, but it's super old. And so we're gonna go in and we're gonna gut it and redo the floors, the walls, everything has to go. But it's gonna be a fun project. And we have two months to do this. By the time we close and we get in there, we got two months.

Mary Alessi:
You know what makes you fight a lot? Pressure. You know what?

Mary Alessi:
You guys have the next two months pressure. I know. So everybody just pray for me as we do this. But it'll be a fun little project that we get to do together and make it our own. It was a real adult moment because we had found this house. It's in like this really pretty neighborhood that for years nothing's been available in that neighborhood. So I drove by it one time on the way to the gym and I found the neighborhood. And it's.

Mary Alessi:
It's basically a 400. $400,000 townhome in a million dollar neighborhood.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, it's like so cute. Little one little neighborhood nestled in the little gated community on a golf course.

Mary Alessi:
Christian loves golf. It's. It Couldn't be better.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, it's hidden. It's tucked in. You wouldn't even know it's there.

Mary Alessi:
So cute. And so I found it. Nothing was available. Two weeks later, I went. This one had just come available. Well, it went off the market, back on the market, whatever. When it came back on the market, we're like, let's go and see it. And in our mind, we're like, we will never get another opportunity like this.

Mary Alessi:
These. These houses, nobody sells these townhomes. Like, this is the only one available. In our mind. We're thinking, we're getting the best one here. We put a contract down, they take it. We're so excited. We're so happy to do it.

Mary Alessi:
Two weeks later, another one of the townhomes in the neighborhood comes on sale or goes for sale. And it's renovated on the. And it's only a couple. Like, not a couple, but it's more money. $2,000 more. Yeah, but it's not that much more. And we both looked at each other like, dang it, did we make the right decision? But it's a great lesson of, like, yeah, sometimes you make decisions as an adult, and you're like, did we make the right decision? What do you got to do? But you got to fully believe in your decisions.

Mary Alessi:
And I'm going to be a preacher for a minute. Is okay if I go, If I preach. Here's a great illustration. You are going to gut and start at zero.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Together. And build out what fits you both.

Gaby Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Okay. And it's going to be hard, and it's going to be hot, and it's going to be sweaty, and you're going to not know what you're doing, and you're going to argue, and you're going to say, is it worth it? And there will be delays, and there will be frustration, and there'll be people that come in and say what you can't do and what you can do, and you won't have the money for your dream, whatever. But when you get done and you're living in it, you will look at one another and say, look what we've built.

Gaby Alessi:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
That's what marriage is. And that's what you're gonna get a quick, abbreviated version of experience of in this first part of your marriage, these first few years, this experience. It's a lot to take on, don't get me wrong. But I know this. We know what we've raised. And Christian's mom and dad know what they've raised. Two Strong, very strong individuals that can do a lot and do it well, and you have the support of your families. So that is gonna be such a beautiful picture when you start from scratch, it's not a marriage that looks like anybody else's.

Mary Alessi:
No, it's not a cheap version of somebody else's. It's yours. But you will pay for it with hard work, blood, sweat and tears. You're gonna pay for it. But you'll look back and say, look what we built together and look how beautiful it is. And that's the sad thing about families and couples today that give up too soon. They walk away. I was on the phone with somebody today, a good friend of mine.

Mary Alessi:
She's getting ready to celebrate 35 years of marriage. And it was just so funny because she called me, she goes, can I just vent? I went, girl, yes, you can. And she started to tell me about something in their relationship that really drives her crazy, and she doesn't know how to address it, how to fix it, whatever. And she goes, you know, I'm just. I don't want to make a big deal about it, but I feel like this should be better in our marriage. Don't you think this should be better? And I just listened to her and I went, yeah, it should be. But you've got to start looking, yeah, at how far you've come, how far he's come. The fact that if anybody should be divorced, it's you guys.

Mary Alessi:
And she started laughing.

Gaby Alessi:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
And I said, when you start putting more of your attention and your brooding time less on what you're not getting and more on what you've created and what you built, you start thinking less about your own needs. And then somehow God fills in that blank and your husband knows you and will respond, and it's fixed. And it's good to have a girlfriend that's been married a long time, too, that knows there are seasons in your marriage you'll go through, you're going to change. He's going to change. One thing about it, though, is you've learned from being Alessi. He's learned from being in Kolaliyud. And you take that with you for your whole life.

Gaby Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
But the two leave that cleave to one another, and they do become one. And it's the most beautiful thing. But it's painful. It hurts. There's a lot of things you have to walls you gotta tear down, rooms you gotta remove, compromises you have to make, but when you make them, you make this beautiful, beautiful union that is a covenant that before God is one of the most beautiful things God's ever created.

Mary Alessi:
That's so true.

Mary Alessi:
So do you know that Stephanie said to us, your oldest sister, hey, if you need me and you can't fill an hour, just come in. Just call me and I'll come in. And I didn't have the heart to tell her, it's me and Gabby. We can fill an hour.

Mary Alessi:
What do people. What do people call me?

Gaby Alessi:
Mom.

Mary Alessi:
Yak attack. What?

Mary Alessi:
What do you know? I gave you the leg up.

Mary Alessi:
I say it all the time. Original Yappuccino. That's what they called Yak Attack.

Mary Alessi:
Yak. It's not.

Mary Alessi:
So if you had.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, wait a minute. Means to throw up.

Mary Alessi:
It doesn't.

Mary Alessi:
Yes. Who?

Mary Alessi:
It does.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. What?

Mary Alessi:
What do you think you're yak in a lot? Oh, that's yapping.

Mary Alessi:
Yapping.

Mary Alessi:
Oh. Well, let me say this. I don't know if you realize this, but do you know that if you had kept a lessie, do you know what your initials would have been? Really? Gabby. It's three letters. Gak.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, I was doing F, G, F.

Mary Alessi:
A, C. If you had gotten rid of your. This is not hard. Gabrielle Alessi Kaladiu.

Mary Alessi:
Mom, I know, but I told you from the beginning I wanted to keep faith, so I was. I thought you were doing it with keeping faith.

Gaby Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
If you had to only keep three names, you would have been Gabrielle, Alessi, Claudiaud, Gak.

Gaby Alessi:
Gak.

Mary Alessi:
But now I'm going to be gfc.

Gaby Alessi:
I don't know. That's it.

Mary Alessi:
No, I'm saying it's a good. It was a good choice.

Mary Alessi:
You mean. You did good.

Mary Alessi:
You did good. That's all. Horrible.

Mary Alessi:
Powering down.

Mary Alessi:
Gak attack.

Mary Alessi:
No, Yappuccino.

Mary Alessi:
Gak Attack. Yak attack. Gappachino. No, Gap. A Chino.

Mary Alessi:
This is why we need dad. Dad needs to get back in here. This is why dad hosts. Because then he's like, all right, well, you've been enjoying the family business podcast.

Mary Alessi:
All right, well, you've been enjoying the family business podcast with the Alessi's. And again, let's remind you, please go subscribe. This has been fun.

Mary Alessi:
This has been fun.

Mary Alessi:
This has been fun. Because if you want to know about what Gabby shared about following her and her vlog to her marriage experience through the remodel vlog. The what did I say?

Mary Alessi:
No, it's just funny. I'm gonna try not to vlog. But it is basically a vlog. It's a journey.

Mary Alessi:
Christian, come get her.

Mary Alessi:
We love you. Guys, thank you.

Mary Alessi:
Follow us on@alessifamilybusiness.com to hear all the latest and greatest about Gabby and Christian getting married, moving into their place, all the cool stuff behind the scenes, we're going to be sharing it there. But again, hey guys, thank you for listening. We hope you've enjoyed the Long play and if you're vacationing and you're road tripping it this summer, go back and listen to all of our Long Play podcast. I think we might keep the logger format for a little while, but thank you for listening. We hope you have a great day.

Mary Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business podcast with the Alessi and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podiance today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the Family Business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alessifamilybusiness.com and tap the Ask the Alessi's button. This is really cool. You can use it to record a voice, voicemail, comment or question and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Mary Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the Reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessi's because family is everybody's business.