"Confessions of a Control Freak" (TFB Top 10 Episode)

Steve Alessi:
Welcome to the family business with the Alessis. Today, we wanted to bring back one of our favorite episodes from one of our first few seasons for all of you to enjoy.

Steve Alessi:
Welcome to another episode of the family business podcast with Steve and Mary Alessi. And, today, we're talking about things that we can't talk about on Sunday. So we want you to relax and enjoy the family business podcast because family is everybody's business. And today, we're going to talk about something and really I'm going to use Alan Paul's little phrase he just shared with us as we get going in this particular podcast, and many podcasts to come.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
We're going to be the podcasts that is saying things that we should be canceled for. Oh, Jesus. Yes. Okay. Alright. So Alan Paul is in the back with John Roman. And we have in place Precious Ashley. So here is our next subject matter to tackle today.

Mary Alessi:
This is this is a big one. Don't just don't just throw it out there

Steve Alessi:
yet. Okay.

Mary Alessi:
This is a big one.

Steve Alessi:
Would you like to give a little intro to it? And then

Mary Alessi:
Well, I think this is an issue that not only people deal with in the family, they deal with it in every single area of their life. And it has destroyed families. It's destroyed businesses. It's destroyed huge corporations. It's destroyed kingdoms. Wow. This is a big topic, and it hides. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
It hides. Some people, it doesn't. It's it they wear it like a badge. And other people

Steve Alessi:
Oh, true.

Mary Alessi:
Almost everybody has this. Mhmm. But it can be hidden. Even in the meekest person, it can be hidden. Some people use it for

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. No.

Mary Alessi:
Their own

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You know, their own what's the word I'm trying to find?

Steve Alessi:
Sex.

Mary Alessi:
That's a good one. That's a good one. Oh. For for their own benefits, they take to their own advantages. Yeah. You know, it's it's a it's a it's a Leviathan. Yeah. Oof.

Mary Alessi:
That's a word.

Steve Alessi:
Well, we're not gonna be able to put the title of this then on the episode because we we we just want they just gotta tune in to hear what this is gonna be about.

Mary Alessi:
We can't.

Steve Alessi:
Can I tell them the title yet?

Mary Alessi:
I think you should.

Steve Alessi:
I wanna tell it.

Mary Alessi:
I wanna be the one to tell it.

Steve Alessi:
You wanna

Mary Alessi:
tell it. Don't do that. Don't

Steve Alessi:
stop. It's my idea. Okay. Ready? I claim ownership. Okay. Here it is.

Mary Alessi:
And here I'm giving it over to you.

Steve Alessi:
Yes, you are. You're so good. There'll be payback later, though.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, there will.

Steve Alessi:
Yes, there will be. Okay. Here's the title of our podcast, confessions of a control freak. Am I controlling, Mary? You can't say it on Sunday, but am I controlling?

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
At times, yes.

Steve Alessi:
Yes. And I admit it. Yep. I admit it. That's how you control. And that's

Mary Alessi:
why I

Steve Alessi:
did the confession.

Mary Alessi:
Okay. I know you now know what it is.

Steve Alessi:
A control

Mary Alessi:
freak. You are. And I think it's good that you are owning up to that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because it's what sets you free.

Steve Alessi:
It is.

Mary Alessi:
I'll just turn this mic off. Go ahead. Go. You're the expert.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. And this is part of my therapy. The counselor said I have to speak more about these things.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, you know, I'm I'm not a professional. Right? I'm not a counselor. But go ahead.

Steve Alessi:
No. No. Here's why I wanna bring this up. We make light of it now.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. But

Steve Alessi:
And I have to make sure we understand when I say I'm a control freak. I may like control. Yes. But I personally don't have to always be in control. Yes. So I'm okay with, you know, passing the mic to you and our line of work. I'm okay with passing the mic to Christopher and the girls and others, John and and Armando. I like passing the mic on.

Steve Alessi:
It's when we when I pass the mic on, I just like things done a certain way because I think that particular way works good for the brand, you can say, or for, you know, the the response for the people and so on. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
The overall thing.

Steve Alessi:
And the problem with it is sometimes it could come across as controlling. Right. And, though there's areas that I like things perfect and in order, that could be then perceived as controlling. And in our relationship over the years, especially early on, you felt like that, didn't you?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. I think because you were just a stronger personality on the outside, not necessarily the stronger personality. But that's why I said in the beginning, control and controlling nature can also hide itself. And there's other areas of control. There's a Proverbs that I read that said, man looks at the outward appearance, but God judges the motive.

Steve Alessi:
And

Mary Alessi:
I think the the the tricky part of control is there are people who are strong leaders and you are one of those people, but you're not a manipulating, controlling person. You just were very you like to dominate. I I I love this story because I think it's so funny now. But the kids were really small and we'd gone to Orlando to visit my mom and we'd spent three days there. You didn't come. You we always went together as a family. But for whatever reason on that trip, you didn't come. You were gonna come on, like, the fourth day and join us.

Mary Alessi:
And we'd spent the days at the park, stayed in a hotel. And I just it was me and the four kids and my mom for three days. And we just had fun. It was so laid back. It was just relax without marching orders. Get the kids. Let's go. Let's get out of the house.

Mary Alessi:
And you get to the air to the hotel, and we're all in the elevator. Do you remember this? No.

Steve Alessi:
Here,

Mary Alessi:
we're all in the elevator together. And we're laughing. We're just having another great day. And you're not there three minutes and you went, somebody push the button. Push the elevator button. Push it. We're on we're on the Sixth Floor. Push the button.

Mary Alessi:
And we all just looked at you like, are you kidding me? And I looked at you and I said, for three days.

Steve Alessi:
We have been freak free.

Mary Alessi:
We have been fine. And we've pushed the button. And we've made our ways to our room. No one's been lost. We've not hung around this elevator for thirty minutes with no one pushing the button. And the the the great thing about you in that moment was that you realized it and you immediately stopped.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And we made it a joke. It's not always funny for some people, though.

Steve Alessi:
No, it's not. No, it's not. You know, self awareness is a good thing.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
And with maturity and with mistakes and with successes, you you've become you should become aware

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Of yourself, how you respond, how you're coming across. You got to learn what it is to read the room and walk in and know where you stand and, and so on. And all that is so important.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Not just to success in your your work and your business, but in your personal relationships. You got to know what it is to read the room. It's like there's some members of our family that, you know, if we had a zapper, I'd wear out the battery on one who just just doesn't know when to stop talking around the table. Right. Because it's always it's like a vortex. You get sucked into their world. You're like, wait a minute, I want to hear from others at the table, too. It's it's a lack of self awareness that some people have.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And when it comes to this right here being a control freak, some are a control freak and don't even know it. Right. But you have to sit back and realize there's other people that have an opinions or other people that may not like things the way you like them. And then you have to say, okay, let me back off. I don't have to do this. We don't have to do this. And maybe one of the things that over the years lessons that I've had to learn was, well, just recently, if we're gonna go up to Georgia, we have our farm in Georgia. It's an eight hour drive from our doorstep without stopping to buy any groceries or go to a stop to eat or anything.

Steve Alessi:
It's literally eight hours to the minute from our doorstep to Georgia, our farm. And what I like to do is because when we get in the car and every man that and some women that have that tendency to want

Mary Alessi:
to be a male It's not just

Steve Alessi:
the male controlling it. I want to get in the car. Let's get to the destination. Right.

Mary Alessi:
Now that's a guy. Okay.

Steve Alessi:
So so that's where I'm at first thing. So I'm like, Okay, we got to be out of here at 5AM. We got to be in the truck. On

Mary Alessi:
the nose.

Steve Alessi:
On the nose. Oh my goodness. Because I want to make sure that I'm there. And it's it's like, okay, I know exactly what the traffic flow is gonna look like in Dade County, then what it's gonna look like in Broward County. This is registered in my brain. Then we're going to get up past the Palm Beach County, we're going to end up in Martin County and Orange County. All these things are going off in my brain at the same time, when I'm thinking about let's get out of the house at 5AM, which means you got to wake up at four, you got to get your luggage downstairs. I'm going to pack the night before so we are not late in the morning.

Steve Alessi:
God

Mary Alessi:
forbid. I just watched your heart rate go up just talking about it.

Steve Alessi:
Just talking about it.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, my goodness.

Steve Alessi:
So we did it. The last time though so whenever we would go on this trip, we're out the door at 5AM. But the last time we were going, we were taking my mom. And I didn't wanna have to wake her up. I wanted this to be a nice experience. And so I think I we said we'll show up at 09:00. By then, the traffic will die down.

Mary Alessi:
Which was hard for you.

Steve Alessi:
So, yes, it was. But I but I talked myself into it because I'm thinking for once and every so often, not myself, I'm thinking of how this is gonna manage, go over with my mom. I want her to be healthy, happy, sitting in the back of the truck and everything. We get on the road, 09:00. Long story short, we end up getting later to the farm. But it was such an enjoyable trip. Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Imagine that.

Steve Alessi:
It was so much more peaceful. Yes. All my calculations of of traffic and stress and everything were, like, totally changed because now there's a second option to doing it just my way and the only way. Imagine. It's it's all about yes. Yes. Sometimes, when you give up a little control

Mary Alessi:
Just a little.

Steve Alessi:
Just a little. It's amazing how life pans out. Yes. I

Mary Alessi:
know. Just need to

Steve Alessi:
I know. Yes. It it does. So so self awareness is important when you have a tendency to wanna control things or do things a certain way.

Mary Alessi:
Where do you think that comes from, though? What is that level of control? And I know it's there are normal facets to that.

Steve Alessi:
God. No. What? I'm kidding.

Mary Alessi:
Don't blame him. Mary, I think What is that really?

Steve Alessi:
I think partly it's it's a personality thing. I I really do.

Mary Alessi:
It's not deep seated insecurities.

Steve Alessi:
I don't I don't know if there's any insecurity there. Now I got insecurities, but I'm not sure that's the insecurity area that's motivating. I think, gosh, maybe we need to call a counselor. Give me your phone.

Mary Alessi:
Let's call somebody right now. I'm just gonna call Doctor. Laura. She's on the radio right now.

Steve Alessi:
I don't know. I what what do you think it is?

Mary Alessi:
You don't want to know what I think. Talk to me. Well, I I think that the more controlling the personality is, there's just this tendency to think, and I've observed this even with other I've got friends who would say they're control freaks to that there's this tendency to think nobody's gonna do it as good as you. So you got to take the leap because everyone else is gonna flake or somebody's gonna flake on you. And whether or not that's not what's in your mind, your thoughts, it can be what comes across.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And I remember you saying one time because you really did work on adjusting this part of your personality. I've watched you say I there's areas that I need to lead and not control. Because the truth is people that are hearing this and know you would go, he is so not. He shares everything. But for those of us that have worked behind the scenes, we do know that it can come across as controlling. But it's because you do know you have a vision for what you want and how it needs to be. But in the areas where I would say it would have been an unhealthy controlling thing, that it really just stemmed from, this need for things to go a certain way. And the only way that they would meet your expectations is if you were at the wheel and you controlled it.

Mary Alessi:
And that it was hard for you to let go and let either somebody else drive and just go along for the ride. Even in conversations, even like when we would be sitting with people that were new, and I'm just listening and learning. I'm just being a listener. You wanted me to be a talker, because you wanted me to carry the conversation and I would feel like you're trying to even control this conversation. Can we just sit here and listen? Be like, well, Mary's quite the talker. Mary, why don't you say it? Mary, you know, ask some questions or you would kick me under the table, like talk more. And it would make it frustrating for me because I would think you can't control everything. There are just some things you've just got to let happen.

Mary Alessi:
You have worked very hard on that. But I think at your nature of your court, there's a lot of people like that. And really, you need those people.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You gotta have people that will take the lead and say, okay. I'm at the front of the line. Everybody follow me. You know, we can't all just be Indians and no chiefs. Yeah. So I think control freaks get really a bad a bad, Yeah. Light sometimes when they get it confused with just good strong leadership. They're not affirmed in that area.

Mary Alessi:
They're just called you're just controlling everything, which isn't necessarily true.

Steve Alessi:
No. I'm glad you say that because it's not. There there's a level of control in every family, in every business, Right. And every church. There's a level of authority that comes across as controlling Right. From the top, because you have to have that. At the same time, here's where I would say you're a control freak. Okay? When that level of authority and control starts to cause everybody else serious anxiety and anger, resentment.

Mary Alessi:
Eggshells I can't speak of.

Steve Alessi:
Now now we've just moved into an unhealthy Right. Environment. And again, we're not over here at the level of, you know, mental disorders with someone who has to have things a certain way all the time. Now we're talking about somebody that just maybe, irritant when you're working with them or in the home every so often something arises and

Mary Alessi:
You put the cup here. Mhmm. And they're gonna come back in the room and go, who put this cup here? The cup belongs here.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah. That's not that's not good. But I I would say from from the standpoint of realizing that I don't have to be a control freak. Here here's where it gets dangerous. Okay? I think when you realize that there are people that really do not wanna hang out with you.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, that's true.

Steve Alessi:
When there are people that really don't want to work for you or with you, they don't wanna be on your team. Now you got some freakish behavior patterns that are causing people to say, hey, you may even pay me more money, but I'm not I'm not it's not worth working here.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
You that's where you've created a toxic environment through being a control freak. And, you know, if you you go to your home and you can't even sit in certain furniture, certain rooms in the house because, God forbid, you move a couple of pillows or a hundred pillows that you've set up, somebody put in place and you

Mary Alessi:
Turn to me. No. No. Me.

Steve Alessi:
I'm saying the control for if you can't do that, now you're gonna have some problems in your relationship. I mean, you know, we joke about certain ethnicities and the way the mother is Right. In that ethnic group. And we laugh. I mean, years ago, we went to Cuba. And when I introduced your mother, my mother-in-law, all the Cubans started laughing. And I never understood why.

Mary Alessi:
Yep.

Steve Alessi:
Until I realized more and more that there are Cuban mothers that are incredibly controlling Yeah. To the point that they take the fun out of everything. Now that's where you you you become a freak. Now you've got problems.

Mary Alessi:
It's too far.

Steve Alessi:
It really is too far.

Mary Alessi:
It's just creating a lot of resentment. Nobody can just be themselves. And then the problem with that is it creates a critical atmosphere, critical spirit, everything you do, you feel judged by that person. And that makes it really, really hard. But I wanna say this because we've mentioned it in our intro, the the controlling nature that's hidden that hides.

Steve Alessi:
Good.

Mary Alessi:
Because there's at least the person that's controlling that's outward about it. At least, you know.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
You know, you can confront that. You can deal with that. Usually, those types of control controlling natures go, I know I'm that way. I hate it that I'm that way. Call me out on it.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That's healthy. Okay? But there's really a controlling nature that turns into manipulation quick, which manipulation is what's dangerous. Yeah. Not control. You know? It it it that's that's okay. You know, we need the leaders. But when it becomes manipulation where it's a hidden control and you can't put your finger on it, but you're always feeling like you have to apologize for something and you don't know quite what you did wrong. That's the level of control that is dangerous.

Mary Alessi:
Yep. That goes too far and it's and it lurks. It's hidden. It's quiet. It's always passive aggressive, which I looked up years ago, aggressive passive, because I thought that's what you were. You your disorder was aggressive passive because you'd be aggressive and then you'd get sweet. Oh, yeah. Because I knew I was passive aggressive.

Steve Alessi:
So there's that a disorder?

Mary Alessi:
Such thing. There's no aggressive passive.

Steve Alessi:
So oh, okay. Go.

Mary Alessi:
There's no such thing because being on you see? One for Steve. One for Steve.

Steve Alessi:
They didn't catch it. Trust me. They didn't catch it.

Mary Alessi:
Ding, ding, ding. You got that one. But there's no such thing. It's not a disorder. It is order. It's okay to be strong in the moment, not abusive. We're not talking about the one percent of crazy. We're talking about the ninety nine percent of normal that we all deal with.

Mary Alessi:
Right? So when you're dealing with a controlling nature, your mom's that way or your dad's that way or your sister, whoever it is in your family, there's some normalcies. Where it's not normal is when it's quiet, it's stealth, it's hidden, but everyone feels like something's off and they can control from behind the scenes. And they'll control by either being very critical whispering to other people using chisme, which is in Spanish is gossip, cutting down and harming and hurting and controlling that way or shutting someone out. Yeah. Completely cutting someone off and you don't know what you did to control an environment. That's that's a different type of control that really is destructive. So if you are a control freak out there and you like to put your cup in a certain way, you can sleep tonight. There's some normal things to that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
You know, that you can monitor and manage. But it's the other quiet control. Goes into manipulation. It's not healthy. Yeah. It's destructive.

Steve Alessi:
I'm glad you say that because wanting things done

Mary Alessi:
In order.

Steve Alessi:
In order.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Or even let's not some will say, well, they it has to be perfect. No. How about professional? Yeah. Wanting the bathrooms cleaned a certain way in your company. Yes. And you and if you're at the top and you're saying this is how I want it done and you walk in with a checklist and you tell that employee, this is what I want you to check out. And I'm gonna make sure this is done because this bathroom makes a first impression to our people. That's not being a control freak.

Steve Alessi:
No. That is being professional. Right. This is what we need to represent with our brand, what we're doing with our families.

Mary Alessi:
Holding high standards to hold all the family to.

Steve Alessi:
You know, there's nothing wrong with that.

Mary Alessi:
No. That's healthy.

Steve Alessi:
That's healthy. You've got to show some instruction, which is good. That's why even while I'm in an elevator and all of y'all jump in there and all of you all are blondes and nobody knows to push the button. I'm gonna say,

Mary Alessi:
Hey, hey, Patty.

Steve Alessi:
Push the button. Push the button. Well, it's not because I'm trying to control everything. I just want to get to the floor. Is that alright?

Mary Alessi:
Well, I have to be honest because most of the time now when I get on the the elevator with my children, no one pushes the button. So you make a good point, sir. We just stand there talking.

Steve Alessi:
That's so

Mary Alessi:
true. So our children are more like me.

Steve Alessi:
Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Okay. Not all of them.

Steve Alessi:
But we do like things in order. And I know this from your standpoint.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
That could have been and was kind of a, you know, an issue early on in our marriage. But the results of that, what was perceived as a control freak. Right. And I wasn't a control freak. I just like things a certain done a certain way, the right way. You're thankful

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Because of the way it has benefited the, you know, surroundings and so forth in our lives all these years later.

Mary Alessi:
It's taught me to to raise the bar a little bit in my own life.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
To it's not controlling because I was taught wrong. Okay? I think I believe something that wasn't necessarily true.

Steve Alessi:
I don't think somebody taught you this.

Mary Alessi:
Meaning the society that I was in, I learned. Right? And I wanna say my my father, not my mother. My mom's very much in order and control. But my father just had a different way. Well

Steve Alessi:
That's why those Cubans left me out the door.

Mary Alessi:
She's a good woman. She's a great woman. So I would say what I picked up and thought if I spoke my mind or wanted things in order, that was control because I had a father that was so fluid with everything. But that wasn't that was control that was hidden. That was manipulation. So in my mind, I was so worried. I think I didn't know where the threshold was with you, where the line was. So what I learned was this was somebody who had their life in order, valued order

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi:
And was willing to tell the whole family, we're walking this way and the house will look like this and we are going to hold this standard high. And I'm not living like that. I want the I want our life to look this way. And I learned it took me a little while, but I learned that, thank God, I had a leader that was leading our home and leading me that I could really come into submission with and in agreement with and in a partnership with that I knew would hold the banner high, that we were gonna live life well. And it wasn't going to be in disarray. There would be order, but that did not mean it was because I just had to listen to what you said because you're a control freak.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. You

Mary Alessi:
know, that was a false, thought or even a false accusation that I made.

Steve Alessi:
Most people criticize the person that's in control like that. Yeah. And we understand why. Because a person that has that kind of strong leadership or temperament makes people without it feel uncomfortable. Because it's okay then to leave the bed unmade all day. Right. Or it's okay. It's

Mary Alessi:
filthy and dumb when they call it out.

Steve Alessi:
I didn't wanna stop money and going home to get gas. And then you get in the car the next day, and it's like empty. And you're like, wait a minute. But now they it's almost a, you resent them because they're pushing you to do something that naturally you don't want to do. Right. So that person is going to manifest itself in pretty much every area of life where there should be some measure of order.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Now, again, not abusive, because we can't have that person in the relationship. And if you're that person, then you really got to go back and check yourself out. Look at how your how others are responding. Look how your kids respond to you. Look how your employees or your spouse. If if if you're aware of yourself enough, you're gonna see that okay, when I step over this edge, now I'm making other people feel very uncomfortable and their behavior is unsettling. And I don't ever want somebody to feel uncomfortable with that, with me being in the room. And over the years, I would say to you quite a bit, Mary, hey, are you happy? Say to the kids, are you happy? There's something in me that wants people to be happy because of my presence, because of my production, what I'm doing.

Steve Alessi:
I want people to be happy. It's the server portion, a part of me that that comes out. And people don't always see that here in the church. They only hear me sitting standing on the platform saying things a certain way. But for me, people, come to this church from the moment they drive onto the property, I want them to feel some measure of of good. I want them to feel good. So every touch point, every environment has to demonstrate that in one way or another. So then, okay, we had, an event not too long ago that was here at the church.

Steve Alessi:
And, I walked out in the lobby. The staff was there in the lobby. People were talking, so on and so forth. And I looked through the windows in the lobby, and I saw weeds growing by the garden. I saw that the fountain was not on. And man, it just came up within me. So I go running out there. I'm dressed up in a jacket.

Steve Alessi:
I'm gonna host the whole event. Our staff is in there. They're talking, making light. Everybody's having a good time getting ready. But as soon as I saw that I caused it's like somebody turned off the lights in the air conditioner. It just

Mary Alessi:
went blur. Took all the air out of the room.

Steve Alessi:
Took all the air out of the room. And I'm out there. I'm like, come on. I'm thinking, okay, this is where I gotta lead by an example. I'm not gonna sit there and say, guys, go pull the weeds. Go get things ready. I'm gonna step out and start doing it because the smart staff know that if the boss goes to do something that they shouldn't be doing, we better step in and relieve them from doing it or else everybody's gonna be bothered. It's gonna be uncomfortable for everybody.

Steve Alessi:
And sure enough, they all came out. They all came out. Mary, I walked away feeling like, oh my god, I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have pushed that envelope there. There's other things to get ready for. And that's the part where sometimes the whole control freak thing, you feel like it's it's wrong to try to create some kind of order because if you do that, then you're labeled a control freak. Right. No.

Steve Alessi:
It was like, no way. Yeah. Good. If if we didn't do that, if I didn't start the ball rolling, if I don't set the standard, if I don't move forward, even sometimes when it's a little more aggressive than we're used to. Sure. Alright. Then the the level of presentation and the production, all those things start to get watered down. Right.

Steve Alessi:
And you you just can't do that in your home, in your relationships, on the on the job, in the business that you're running. Here's the thing. If you run the business, if you run the family, you're the head of it, then you better have a measure of control about you. Or you won't have a big business, a healthy family, even a ministry. No. You're not going to draw the people that is going to help you elevate your existence.

Mary Alessi:
Well, there has to be a standard bearer in every home, there has to be one in every business, there has to be one, there has to be many in business and in ministries, you have to have a standard bearer. And a lot of the time, it's like, it's the mom at home, she's the one that's so aggravated, she's doing all all the work and nobody cares and the kids are running around. It's not always the dad. So when it is the dad that's that standard bearer, what a blessing it is. Because he does have the ability to speak to the whole family that this is the way it's going to be. And I think sometimes moms feel even more guilt than, like, what you felt walking out and saying Mhmm. Why aren't these weeds pulled?

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Because the truth is, you're right. You're absolutely right. You're absolutely right. You saw what the rest of us did not see. We all walked right past those weeds, and we didn't see it. But you're controlling nature, which I think is such a negative term, it should be switched, we need to come up with a different term. It's a standard bearer that we need to constantly be raising that bar, and somebody has to help us hold it high. And a lot of people get a bad rap.

Mary Alessi:
I know moms get a real bad rap. I've talked to moms over the years that say, I'm just so tired. You know, nobody cares but me that I want the house to look nice. And we spent a lot of money on this house and, and and nobody cares. And I'm it's just me and I freak out and I get so upset, whatever. And we put that parent in the wrong position, we should support that and say let's help hold that standard high. Because the truth is, it does take chaos and turn it into order.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Somebody's got to do that.

Steve Alessi:
Mhmm. And we're called to do that. Yeah. We we are, especially for the the leader. If you're going to be the leader, then be willing to take the lead and take the charge and don't come across as a controlling freak, but definitely raise your level of expectation of others and hold them accountable to it. Call them up to that level. You know, they tell us this about just in general, people's expectations. They say a person will never go eat in a restaurant that's sturdier than their kitchen.

Steve Alessi:
Right. Have you noticed that? Absolutely. If we walk into a restaurant that is not as nice as the one we have at home, our kitchen, we're not staying there to eat. Doesn't matter how good the food is. No. We'll do takeout. But but

Mary Alessi:
when I was saying hotel that wasn't

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. So expectation, the the level of professionalism in everything that you do in your home and so forth, you've gotta make sure you're pulling that level up and you constantly improve your surroundings. Whoops. You constantly improve your surroundings in your environment and your home. That's a good thing.

Mary Alessi:
It's a great thing.

Steve Alessi:
That's not a bad thing. As long as there's not the manipulation, as long as you're sitting there saying, okay. Maybe I shouldn't be so hard. This too hard. May maybe there's a better way to communicate this. Maybe I need to use other people to help me Yeah. Get my point across. So you know, even with our kids, I'll say to you sometimes, Mary, please, I don't like the way the kitchen's looking.

Steve Alessi:
Can you please talk to the girls about it? And so on. And then And you

Mary Alessi:
let me be the messenger.

Steve Alessi:
Then you because you say things better.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You say things differently. You come at it in a different manner. And that's very healthy for us. So there's this could go on because my mind keeps going and going about other situations where, either control freak can get you in trouble or there's a mis perception of it, especially today. It's amazing. I don't know who the person is that wants to create this cancel culture that's out there pulling the strings, and saying to people that are too aggressive and too harsh and too strong that you shouldn't be that way. Because whoever is up there at the higher levels pulling all the strings is trying to control

Mary Alessi:
everything. That is that is exactly what I was talking about that though. That's that quiet, stealth, destructive, controlling spirit.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Hey.

Mary Alessi:
That's a dangerous one.

Steve Alessi:
You did good.

Mary Alessi:
You did good. Yeah. Appreciate how you, you know

Steve Alessi:
Back off?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Take off.

Steve Alessi:
I'm so controlling.

Mary Alessi:
Not so controlling.

Steve Alessi:
Well, we hope you enjoyed this other episode that we had here. Why don't you close this out? Because I don't wanna control it. Go.

Mary Alessi:
I don't know what I'm supposed to say because you take the lead so much that I'm not I hope that you all enjoyed this podcast. You're really gonna have to take the lead on this one. You see what I'm saying?

Steve Alessi:
Us for another podcast of the Alessi Family Business. Good job, Mara. Good job, Mara. She's shaking my head.

Chris Alessi:
You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business Podcast with Vialessis, and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our podience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time. Second, think of someone you know that might need or enjoy this episode and share it with them. You'll be helping them and helping us to spread the word about the family business. Third, go to alesseefamilybusiness.com and tap the ask the a lessee's button. This is really cool. You could use it to record a voicemail comment or question, and we can add your voice to our conversations.

Chris Alessi:
Finally, while you're on our page, tap the reviews tab and you'll see a link to leave a review on Apple Podcasts. We love reading your reviews, and we might even share them on the show. Thanks again for joining us and we'll see you next time at the Family Business with the Alessis because family is everybody's business.