Do Opposites Still Attract? How Celebrating Your Differences Makes Your Marriage Stronger

WEBVTT

00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:20.079
I know this sounds crazy, but I really like you, and I would like to get to know you and date you. And I am thinking I have dropped this bomb. And what did you say? I just said, "Okay." I said, "Okay, thanks." Yes. And I did not say anything else after that.

00:00:21.359 --> 00:00:35.070
And really quickly we realized I had probably had two words to say. Your word bank was, was done. She said,"Okay, thanks." No, somebody tell me, what does it mean? I don't even know.

00:00:36.750 --> 00:00:39.310
I was just like, okay, you told me, thank you.

00:00:48.909 --> 00:01:44.079
All right everybody, hello and welcome to another episode of The Family Business with the Alessis. And today the Alessis are of course myself and my wife Rochelle. We call ourselves the Junior Alessis from time to time, so it's kind of nice. Thank you for joining us for this podcast. We're going to talk about something, uh, related to marriage and love and romance and all of that. But it is crazy how, as I open up these podcasts, I realize I am so much like my dad. It's crazy. But, you know, we've had a lot of people reach out, uh, because they've liked the last two episodes. They like the He Said, where we learned from Christian, you know, the valuable advice of Relax. Yep, there you go. The famous word, relax. And then, of course, uh, the people really like the "She Said," where you guys got to sit and respond. And I just want to say, you said some very kind and nice things about me. I felt really good listening to that. But hopefully, as you listen to them, you know, it just sparks conversation in your own home.

00:01:44.079 --> 00:01:50.920
And today we want to talk about something kind of fun. And what is that, Rachelle? We're going to talk about how we are opposites.

00:01:51.640 --> 00:02:30.550
And how opposites attract. Attract, yes. So we were talking about it as we were just kind of getting ready for the episode. We were just talking about how we knew we were opposites really fast. Yes. Other couples might find out after they've been married for a little while. We've actually found out since we've been married that we're more alike than we thought. Right. But it's because— and I feel like since we have Alan, Solange, and Ashley in the booth today, I feel like I'm talking to them and telling the stories to them. The reality is, is that from like our first encounter, we realized we were completely different people. And it's really what made me like you.

00:02:30.949 --> 00:02:44.550
And I remember there were things that you would do while we were dating that would kind of throw me off. And so I'd go home and I was living with my parents at the time, and I'd go and I'd start talking about, you know, the things that you would do.

00:02:44.629 --> 00:02:47.840
And my mom would go, Marry this one, Chris.

00:02:48.240 --> 00:03:13.280
Marry this one. And we did. We did. And we're going to have a kid and another one very soon. Yes. And the reality is, is because, you know, the spotlight being the pastor's son, being on the platform, you know, it can bring a lot of attention with it. And it was like all of these other girls were trying to do whatever they could to get next to the pastor's son while you were doing everything you could to shed that.

00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:21.759
So it was like From the very beginning, we learned just how different we were, and it's really the reason that I, I love you.

00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:32.639
And, uh, it's a reason early on I was like, okay, I have to make this one mine. She's different. But if you're not careful, the things that drew you together at first can be the things that cause conflict now.

00:03:32.639 --> 00:03:43.120
Yeah. So we want to talk a little bit about our experience, how we're different, and how we, we make sure the things that made us love each other at first, uh, continue to be the reasons that we love each other.

00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:54.069
Yeah. So now I want to tell a story and then I want you to react to it. Okay. Okay. Yes. I finally decide I'm going to tell you that I like you. I had spoken to a mentor of mine.

00:03:54.069 --> 00:04:09.270
He had walked me through everything. I kind of had this rule. I would not date anybody in church. I had not from 19 to 26. I had not really dated anybody in the church. And, um, not, not really. And he was like, that's a stupid rule.

00:04:09.270 --> 00:04:28.889
There's a great girl here. You've got to date her. Like, if you like her, you got to do it. I was like, okay, I will. And finally, they talked me into it. I ran, and I, I had my sisters set up a, a way to hang out with you and some of your sisters. And so we're walking around Dadeland Mall, and I tell my sisters like, all right, give me some time, like, I'm walking alone with her now.

00:04:28.889 --> 00:05:07.769
So they all kind of back up, and it's really sweet. And I sit there, and here I am thinking, as you know, the, the youth and young adult pastor of the church, we had known each other for a long time, I'm thinking I'm about to drop this bomb on her. Like, I'm about to pour my heart out, and I'm going to tell her how I feel. And, you know, when I say I didn't date anybody in the church, like, you were a longtime church member. Yeah, I had never dated a longtime church member before. And I dropped it. I said, Rachel, I know this sounds crazy, but I really like you. And I'd like to get to know you and date you.

00:05:07.930 --> 00:05:11.040
And I'm thinking I've dropped this bomb. And what did you say?

00:05:12.000 --> 00:05:34.639
I just said, "Okay." I said, "Okay, thanks." Yes. And I didn't say anything else after that. And really quickly we realized I had probably had 2 words to say. Your word bank was, was done. She said, "Okay, thanks." Now somebody tell me, what does that mean?

00:05:35.680 --> 00:06:10.620
I don't even know. I was just like, Okay, you told me, thank you. Like— And so that was an initial like, okay, we're different because I'm a guy, even in this podcast, 5 minutes, I've done 4 and a half minutes of the talking and you said 2 words. Yep. Right. So that showed that. But it was such an awkward pause after that. I literally did not know what to do with it. Yeah. So I leaned in and I said, Uh, forgive me, um, you don't seem surprised. And what did you say?

00:06:10.860 --> 00:07:19.540
Oh yeah, because I've known. Like, I just knew. And so it was like, okay, you told me, thank you for telling me, thank you for admitting what I already knew, but like, I knew this and I've known for a while. Yeah. And it was because I did know you didn't just go— you weren't the guy who just hung out with girls. You didn't do that. You had your guy friends and your family and You knew your position, you had to protect yourself, and you always had boundaries that protected that. And it's why it even helped our relationship. And when I noticed that you were being different with me, you never— you were never different in a bad way. You just were more intentional about talking to me, saying hi to me, really wanting to have conversations with me. And I guess— letting you win in foosball. No, I won because I won. Sure. Because I was good. Not anymore, but I was. You were actually really good. And she actually did beat me. Yeah. Um, but you actually told me you went back. I said, how long have you known? And you said you, you picked this specific moment where I walked into the office and you were— you created a, a fake internship. It wasn't fake. It was real.

00:07:19.540 --> 00:07:51.230
But yes, I did. It was like backdoor. It was a backdoor internship. I ran the internship. Go ahead. It was not fake because I was an intern as well. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you, Ashley. She was not interning. She was not interning the— I ran the internship. I took the applications. I, I approved the people that would do it. It was a sexy backdoor internship, but me and Ashley interned together. Yes, okay. Well, all I know is I walk into the office and I go, why is she here? And somebody's like, oh, she's interning. And you were actually sitting in the place that's now your desk.

00:07:51.610 --> 00:08:03.529
Yes, it's now your desk. And I looked and I just remember thinking, who is that? And it was the first moment that I had looked at you and said, okay, she's like 21, 22 now.

00:08:03.769 --> 00:08:11.129
She's grown up. She's beautiful. And I'm like, wow. And that— it was the first moment I had kind of— you had got my attention.

00:08:11.370 --> 00:08:21.579
And that was a year before that moment walking at Dadeland Mall when you said that. And I was like, how did you— when did you know? And you said, There was a day you walked into the office.

00:08:21.579 --> 00:08:38.580
It was like my first day of internship, and you looked at me and I knew, okay, he likes me. No, I said you looked at me differently. Okay, it's the same thing. You see, also, another difference between us is that I'm very literal. And so I might ruin your story. You see, I don't like the term literal or not.

00:08:39.860 --> 00:08:47.259
I, I live in gray. I think it's fun that, you know, if it's an easy boat ride, then it's no fun.

00:08:47.259 --> 00:08:53.929
You got to have some movement. It's got to be— at some point you got to cry and I want to embellish every story.

00:08:54.889 --> 00:09:04.730
And Rachelle will just be like, that's not what happened. And I go, it is what happened. It's just a different version of how it happened. But I'm not lying. Yes, it's what happened.

00:09:06.330 --> 00:09:21.690
Okay, fine. That was the day that we learned really quickly, like, okay, we are very different because you knew. And for an entire year, you didn't, you didn't need to do anything. You sat, you were comfortable. You really— I mean, not to make it spiritual, but you really just trusted God. If this is going to be a thing, it'll be a thing.

00:09:22.200 --> 00:10:20.490
And it was funny, I was processing through so much on my end of just my role and, and what would happen if something went wrong and all of that. I was so heady that I didn't act on it for an entire year. And this is where God got involved, because you had noticed— yeah— how I felt. And your siblings were even like, we see the way he looks at you, we think that there's something here.. And you would tell them all until he tells me, then nothing. Yeah. And it was crazy because it was when we went to youth camp, both to serve. We were serving youth camp. That was the week that my— the person pouring into me at the time that I was like really processing through it with, uh, Pastor Armando, he was like, why don't you— you keep living in this world where you think it won't work. What if you spent one week trying to act like, what if it could work? Yeah. And so I picked, okay, we'll both be at camp. That's the week I'll let— in my mind, I'll think it'll work.

00:10:20.490 --> 00:10:42.080
And what were you thinking about that week? And I was thinking, because it had been a year where we were— and we weren't even hanging out. We were— it was just church. We would see each other at church. We were here all the time. I was interning. I tried to DM you once about a chocolate shake you got from, from Chick-fil-A. I never responded. And then told people it was weird that I did that. I didn't tell people.

00:10:42.080 --> 00:11:23.940
Yes, you told— you told your siblings. It was weird. He sent me a weird DM, and it was— I love Chick-fil-A. She posted— she posted the fact that she was getting a chocolate shake from Chick-fil-A, and I responded with, "That's my favorite." We were friends to a degree. There was nothing weird about it. But the woman that I married was like, "That's weird." And looking back, I, I don't even know how you still pursued me because if it wasn't— if you— and at the time we were serving together young adults too. I was helping with the service coordination. One of the girls had stepped out, so I had stepped in. And so we had to work the agendas, the services. And unless you texted me about church, I wouldn't respond.

00:11:24.820 --> 00:12:40.100
100%. I'd be like, hey, it was really nice to see you today. Left on read. I wouldn't even— I wouldn't even get to see the bubbles pop up. Please don't be like me, but I am so grateful for your commitment to still talk to me. No, the thing is, you looked at that camp and said, if nothing happens, different. Right, I was— I did pray because I did feel— I saw the difference. And, um, of course I wasn't saying I liked you because I hadn't spent that time to say that, but there was interest. There was definitely interest. And I, I had prayed and told the Lord, if nothing happens by this date, meaning um, you speak to me or something different happens, I will put this away completely, completely. I wouldn't think about it. I won't even— that wouldn't even be a thought in my mind of he might be interested. None of that. I will put it away completely and move on. And what I've learned about you since then is that you are that type of person where you will go, if I don't see it by this time, I'm putting it away. And when she puts it away —it's away. In my mind, nothing's away. It's all in there. It's going all over the place all the time. And so what was crazy about that, though, you looked at that camp and you said nothing happens by that time.

00:12:40.100 --> 00:13:25.759
So thank the Lord that was the camp when we were able to get together, because I do sometimes look at your personality and go, man, I may have missed it had I not made a little more effort at that camp. Uh, and you were open to it. But the thing is, even that, that whole, like, uh, I say a bunch of words and you don't Um, there's an aspect where that dynamic's not true. And that's, you know, there are moments where we get in the car at the end of the day and I'm like, I don't want to talk. And you're like, well, I have a lot of stuff to say. Yeah. So we have those moments too. But I will say the difference in our personalities has really benefited me and benefited you. Yeah. Because you'll say you're literal and I'm not. But the truth is over the last couple of weeks, we have been fighting because you have— not fighting.

00:13:25.759 --> 00:14:32.029
We'll, we'll like have a moment and we'll go, oh my God, I was taking you literally and you weren't talking about it literally. And it's like, oh my gosh, I'm becoming you and I'm becoming you, becoming me when I'm driving. I'm becoming you. That's not my fault. I preached a message about it this week. I am person A in traffic now, and I've become person B, the one that's irritated at everybody. Uh, yes. If you want to know what that's about, there's a sermon we preached at Metro a few weeks back. It was really nice. I think you'll like it. But point being there is like that was a, a dynamic that has been active in our marriage. And it definitely can create conflict. Yeah, especially when it's like, we're stressed, we're tired, whatever it is. And I'm just wanting to tell you something. And you'll interrupt because you're like, we need to take a right turn in this conversation, not a left. And I'm like, we're not even driving in this thought. Okay, like we're, I'm just trying to say something. But we have learned quickly that is not— because, like, we actually say this, and I'm pretty sure we've said it in a bunch of podcasts. We took something from our premarital

00:14:32.350 --> 00:15:10.399
you will never understand the way your spouse thinks, right? But you can recognize that you think differently. And so we're really big on We're on the same team and we're different. Yeah. But that, that difference doesn't mean that you don't like the way that I process. Right. It's just not the way that you process. And I think to give you a lot of credit, you do the same. When I am being stereotypical me, you don't hold that against me because you know that that's just the way my brain works.

00:15:10.799 --> 00:15:25.590
Yeah. So we then started to learn— that, uh, we were different in another way. So now we're dating and things are going great. Or I think that I am— actually, hold on, I just remembered another story. We're gonna go there first. Okay.

00:15:25.590 --> 00:15:55.370
I am thinking that the fact that we are hanging out this way and that I have told you how I feel and that I've pushed past all my fears and all the things about dating somebody in the church I'm trying to explain to you in conversation one night that I think the boyfriend-girlfriend title— oh my God, this is a good one— is just so belittling to how I feel about you.

00:15:55.370 --> 00:16:40.789
And it wasn't that I was not wanting to commit, right? It was, I don't want you thinking that I am in a place where I would want to date for a year, 2 years, 3 years, that I wasn't in this to date you. I was in this to marry you. And I had learned that pretty quick. We became official October 31st, and February 19th, on that Valentine's Day, I told you I want to marry you, and I want to do it around this time. And so I— in my mind, when I'm talking to you about this, I'm thinking boyfriend and girlfriend is so shallow for what we have. You didn't take it that way. How did you take it?

00:16:40.789 --> 00:17:32.750
I was so confused. I just didn't— I didn't understand. And I understood looking back now, I see what you were trying to say. But for me, it was like, then what does he want to be? Friends? Like, you— like, it was so confusing for me because coming from— you were in the gray. And I was like, black or white. And it was like, I wasn't pushing that I wanted a label, but for me, I needed clarity to move on to the next. Because for me to understand you wanted to marry me, first we need to take the step of boyfriend and girlfriend and get there. But in my mind, I'm like, wait, I don't, I don't get it. What do you want to be then? It was the most confusing conversation we had ever had. Well, it wasn't confusing the next day because you became abundantly clear. You're like, that I'm done with this.

00:17:32.990 --> 00:19:28.000
I'm like, okay, friends, all right, we're just friends, we're just friends then. And I'm like, hold on. And I could tell, I could just tell by the way you were interacting with me the next day because I was so confused. And thankfully your mom, my mother, talked to you and she really explained to you, Chris, a girl is not gonna want that. And especially for me, and when you came back, you actually came back and you're like, look, this is what I was actually trying to communicate. And then I'm like, you I just— that's not the win for me. The win's becoming your husband. Yes. But will you be my girlfriend? And you know what she said, everybody? I will think about it. I did say that. But I— with no, with no date on when she will be done thinking about it. Yeah. She just goes, I'll have to think about it. I go, great. How long you need? 10 minutes? She's like, I don't know. Few days. Few days. I came back like, what? 2 days later. 2 full days later. And it was actually very sweet because you didn't want to say yes and then go in and tell all your sisters, I'm a girlfriend now. Yeah. You wanted to not ask their permission. I wanted to go tell them and then be like, I'm gonna accept, so they knew. And that was really sweet. And part of it is because the 3 of them were a great support system. Yeah. The whole year, right, that I was liking you but wasn't acting on it. And it was like, I didn't know at the time the role that they had played. Because, you know, we, we all know siblings talk, man. And they all saw the way that I looked at you. And it was really funny, guys, I forgot to mention this, that I had even asked you when I first told you if you knew Then did you not tell your siblings? Because they never approached me. Never. They never talked to me.

00:19:28.000 --> 00:21:07.180
And they were like— they never gave me the look from across the room like, we know you. Like, they didn't do anything. And what did you say? That if they ever said anything to anyone, I will never speak to them again. And they all knew how literal she is. Never speak to them about this again. Yeah. And they all knew you meant that, like, that you are that type of person. So Uh, all that goes— I've gotten better. I'm not that intense anymore. No, you're not. And I've become more intense. And it's because of you. You've helped me. And it's because of you. You've helped me become more like that. But it, it's, it is interesting though, because that whole boyfriend-girlfriend combo and needing time to think about it actually showed me the role that those girls had played in your life and how they were always going to be a part of what we were doing and how at the time I was like, you have to go ask them? Ugh. Now I'm like, that's the best— one of the best parts of our stories. And I love that because they are such a big part of what we do and how we do things. And so that was that moment. That's when we realized, oh shoot, when I say word and word come out of my mouth, word that go into your head, don't— not always same word. Yeah. You know what I mean? That when I say things, it's not always the same. When I'm saying it and then it goes in, it's not always the same thing. And so that was a really good moment to understand that me as a communicator, who whenever I take a personality test, it's always like high in communication, doesn't mean I'm the best at talking in marriage. And that there are going to be moments where, okay, that was a mis— miscommunication on my part. So that was great. That was a great thing that we learned.

00:21:07.180 --> 00:22:05.849
And, and I actually think you have helped me because one of the parts of even my speaking in church that my dad always said needed work was I never knew how to land the plane in the practicality aspect of it. I was always very theoretical and very, uh, what's it called? I was always like, I could present an idea you hadn't thought about. But over the last 3 or 4 years, people have continually said, you know, you've always been a good preacher, but now we're noticing you're, you're getting pretty good at teaching. And I'm like, that's all Rochelle, because I've had to learn how to— okay, here's what I'm saying and here's why it matters for somebody who thinks like you. So it's actually helped me become a better communicator in every aspect of the word because I don't always know how to communicate with you perfectly. So it's taught me a lot. Yeah. And it's been great. But, you know, I, um, over the years— and we are actually— tomorrow's our 5-year of marriage anniversary.

00:22:05.849 --> 00:22:58.180
And when we look back at how we started, right, those small conversations that you were trying to say something and in your personality of trying to sell the story, I was just trying to get to the point, what was the main thing. And we had to learn over time, and it— we still are learning that because it still happens. But it's funny how over time we have learned to appreciate that about each other. And now I know when I'm like, I need Chris in the room, I need him, I need his story time, I, I need him to take over and bring what only he can bring. And it's like Woody, you pull out the, the drawstring on the back and I just go— and you just go. But we've learned to appreciate that about each other because it's so easy at the beginning to just say, well, that's just not the way I communicate.

00:22:58.339 --> 00:23:47.960
Yeah. And you think that the other person has to adjust to the way that you do things because the way you do things is better. And for, for me, because I— we had the different personality and then you have the different gender brain all completely, so that's like two big things, right? Because I thought so differently and communicated so differently, sometimes for me was more of like, if you just communicating this way is more effective, or it's more practical, um, but I learned that that wasn't always gonna work in, in our marriage. It wasn't always going to be fun. And one of the big things— and I was talking to your mom about this, we were having a conversation— and for me was like, we created a plan, we go with the plan. If anything small changes, it's over.

00:23:48.839 --> 00:24:07.690
Like, it's like, it's, it's gonna be ruined. The plan is there so we can have fun. Yeah, but you would come back and you would say, well, if we're gonna do this and we're not gonna have a little bit of error for changing the plan to have fun, then it's not— I'm not gonna do it. It's not fun.

00:24:08.089 --> 00:24:15.490
And I— because sometimes you hold your spouse to a higher standard because you expect the most from them.

00:24:15.490 --> 00:26:27.440
And I'm having this conversation with your mom and she was— and she said the exact same thing you said. And it's like, I go back to the beginning of our, our marriage, but I've also seen what your mom's done for her family and how fun she is and the atmosphere that she creates and everything that she is. You wouldn't want her to be anybody else, really. We want her for who she is. And she just said the exact same thing you said, and I'm thinking, wow, I have the best husband in the world. And I'm thinking Years from now, I'm gonna look back and I'm gonna be so grateful you did what you did. And I've seen that already in that short 5 years that we've been married, because there are aspects of my personality that are great, that bring order, that keep us organized and structured in some areas. But without you, our family wouldn't have what we have. Even the personality of our son, like part of that is what you've brought out in him, who you are, who he sees his dad be. And it's spilled to even our communication where, because we're trying so hard to communicate the way that the other person wants— receives— yeah, we found ourselves being like, I'm just saying a story and I'm keeping it kind of like general, and you're going to specific. And then you're like, we see each other being the opposite now because we have— are really working at trying to communicate for that other person. And now we're like, now you're being the literal person and I'm being the general person. And it's— and we just laugh about it because over the years we, we saw that very early on, our differences. But we could take on the— are we going to use these differences against each other? And we're going to take that mine is better, yours is better? Or are we going to say, I'm going to try my best to communicate the way that you receive? And in that, we'll, we'll help each other, but also not holding each other to my way is better or your way is better, but recognizing when your way is better and saying, at this moment, my way is not going to work.

00:26:27.440 --> 00:26:57.009
We need to go Chris's way and building that trust where Sometimes you come to me and you say, you make the decision because I'm going to have endless possibilities and we're going to be here for an hour. You make the decision. And we've— we are learning to even trust that in each other on when it's time for— to say, this is where Chris can really help us and this is where Richelle's way can really help us. And it even changes when you have kids. It almost starts all over again.

00:26:57.009 --> 00:27:11.690
Yeah. Because now you're learning to— you see your kid You see yourself and your, and your kid, and now you're raising a different personality, and you both are trying to communicate about that one, and it starts all over again. You start to see literally both personalities in one kid.

00:27:11.690 --> 00:27:22.289
Yeah. And now we're about to do it all over again with the second baby coming. But it was, it was beautiful. It's been beautiful to see our differences and how they can work together, but not holding it against each other. Yeah.

00:27:22.289 --> 00:27:48.119
You know? Yeah, I can absolutely see that. Okay, so this is the next story. And this is where we actually started to learn, like, okay, there's a lot of value in the way that we both see things, but there are moments, like you just said, that are better than the other. So we're going on this date. I'm pretty sure we either just got engaged because we definitely felt more comfortable with each other at this point.

00:27:48.119 --> 00:28:04.250
Um, comfortable enough to actually fight. Yeah. And be like, I do not care how you feel right now. I'm pissed. And, uh, and then I have another story. You have another one? A funny one. Oh, okay. Well, we were engaged for a wedding. Sorry. Okay. I had to say it so then I, I don't forget. So you don't forget it. I'm pregnant and I'll forget. Okay.

00:28:04.250 --> 00:28:07.970
It's great. You're pregnant. Wow. Um, so it was great.

00:28:07.970 --> 00:28:15.529
We're driving down, it's already dark and we're gonna go have dinner down. I think it was like, uh, near Merrick Park, something like that.

00:28:15.529 --> 00:28:30.660
So we're taking this long drive from where we were. And we got into a fight. Mm-hmm. And I forget what we were even talking about. I could not remember. But I remember you just shut down. Yes.

00:28:30.660 --> 00:29:46.700
And you got really quiet. And I'm like, are you going to say anything? And you said the dreaded words, I have nothing to say. And I'm thinking, well, I've never known what that feels like. So we're, we're starting to drive and we were a little bit early for dinner. So I— it was like 3 or 4 minutes had passed and you were totally fine sitting in silence. Yeah. And I'm thinking, which is, by the way, normal for you. Yeah. You like in the car sitting in silence. Like if I— if there's silence, I don't think it's awkward. I'm like, everybody's just thinking. I can't— you know, sometimes when somebody is talking, I think even though they're talking, it's still too silent. I should also be talking because then there's enough noise for the room. So I remember pulling into like an orthodontist's office and like pulling over, put in the car and drive into park. And I was like, you've got to say something. Mm-hmm. We can't go through the whole night like this. And you were like, I haven't had time to think about it. And I go, what do you mean? Like, that makes no sense to me. And so I remember being like, it was like

00:29:47.819 --> 00:30:09.750
18 PM. And I was like, okay, I will give you 13 minutes, something like that. Or like 18 minutes. And I was like, you have until this time to think. Mm-hmm. But after that, for the sake of our night, you— yeah, you have to say something. And I remember, guys, she agreed reluctantly. Agreed. Yes. But you reluctantly were like, okay, fine.

00:30:10.230 --> 00:30:43.880
I'll think. You sat there thinking, and she didn't use up all her time. I did 8 minutes. And she was like, okay, actually, I'm ready to talk. I'm like, ah, you see? And you went off on me and exposed where I was wrong and how the way I was looking at a situation was not right. And, and you, you, you were very, very fair, but you let me know. The problem was with me. I don't know why when I talk at this level in the podcast booth, I start yawning. I can't stand it. It's like a palate thing. But like, it was crazy.

00:30:43.880 --> 00:31:19.079
You had legitimately shared with me your side of things. And I was very— I mean, I became putty. I was like, oh my God, you're right. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. And we fix it and we went on to have a great night. But we learned in that moment, it's not fair of me to always demand a response from you in the moment. At the same time, it's not fair of you to always be like, well, I can just hold a night hostage because I'm going to decide I'm not ready to talk yet. Yep. It's like, okay, well, that's not fair to anybody. Yeah. Me demanding that from you is not fair. Not fair. You not being willing to give it is not fair. Yeah.

00:31:19.079 --> 00:32:43.099
And so we found a tool. Yep. That we've used a few times and it's helped. And the— it's funny because I just finished recording My Morning Devo was yesterday, and I literally did an episode that's called When I Shut Down, and that whole episode was about, um, how when I was feeling something really intense, I usually did not know how to communicate that. I didn't have words to communicate it. And so because I'm so— I would process internally, not externally, like with words. Sometimes that's better because as you're talking, you're realizing what you're actually feeling. But when you internalize things, everything's so internal that it's harder to get there faster. And so when something would happen that would make me feel an intense emotion, immediately I felt like I couldn't have the words. And if somebody was pressuring me to say something when I didn't have words, I genuinely didn't have them. It didn't mean I didn't feel something. I just did not know how to communicate that. And because I felt like I was not good with my words at communicating and saying things, I was just not going to say anything at all. Yeah. So then I would shut down and be like, I have nothing to say and I'm done. And I won't speak for 2, 3 hours. It's funny because I mentioned, I'm like, I would do that to my sisters all the time.

00:32:43.099 --> 00:34:21.480
And looking back, I'm like, I am so sorry. All you wanted to know is— they wanted to know if I was angry. They rather know you're angry than not know. And when you said that to me, no one had ever done that. When, when you— but the way you said it too, it was so, uh, straightforward, but you weren't rude. You were not mean to me. You were your strong in the best possible way where you said, okay, I understand you need a process, so I'm gonna give you time and I'm gonna give you 13 minutes In my head, I'm like, now it became more of like, okay, I'll do it, but I'll do it in 8 because I'm still going to do it my way, right? Like, that's still going to— You're still going to beat me. My competitive self is going to be like, I'll do it, but I'm going to do it my way. And since that day, I realized, oh my, I just can't, I can't do that. Yeah. I can't just not talk or not express what I'm trying to say because I don't know how to say it right. And you gave me such a grace to learn what you would even tell me, don't say it perfectly, just tell me. And it would give me a safe space for me to say, okay, even if I say something wrong at the beginning, you're not going to hold it against me. Yeah, because we're in a fight right now because I said something wrong. So— it happens to the best of us. You are not going to hold it against me, but you help me now I know that, and I'll tell you, hey, I just need a couple of minutes to think about this. But then after, I'm not like a whole night just not talking. But even I've learned, okay, let me just tell you what I need. I need 2 minutes.

00:34:21.480 --> 00:36:22.369
If it's a big decision, please give me a day. And you say okay, but at the same time, I'm not gonna be like, I need 5 days to think about this. Well, you know We're not going to let a home go in— no— silence or just in like— because it's not fair to the kids too, right? And so you helped me so much that day say, I can't do that anymore. It was a childish thing I needed to let go of. Well, you've helped me because I've also learned that sometimes certain wounds don't need to be picked. And this is not the moment to say, let's have the words to have this discussion. And to be able to move on without total clarity in the moment about how we stand on something and just go make the night fun. Yeah. And we'll address this later. Yeah. And, you know, I would even speak to the guys out there because like one of the things that we've noticed when— and this is still how we operate. So yes, like when we asked in the He Said episode a few weeks ago, what does it mean when you shut down? I'm like, what is it? What is shut down? I don't do that. I don't know. I'm not the one in our, in our marriage that tends to shut down and want to be quiet. I am the one that wants to talk. But so that's a— I was funny about that episode, but one of the things that I have learned is that there are moments where you just want to be heard right now. Like we talked about it in those episodes, like you don't— in the She Said episode, there's a moment when your wife is coming to you and it's like, here's my problem. But I think Stephanie said it, like, all they really want is for you to be like, I'm in this problem with you, this problem stinks. They don't want an answer. But to a man, that makes no sense. Why would I let you move forward without a solution if I have one? Especially because I see things from a different perspective. What I've learned is when a woman wants to be heard, that's what they want first, but they eventually do want it to get solved. Yeah.

00:36:22.369 --> 00:37:44.849
So what I have to do is pick my spots, and I have to go, okay, this spot is for hearing her. In an hour, I can come back and say, you know what, I was thinking about what you said. I wonder if we tried ABC. I wonder if that would work. And I can bring the solution then, but not in the moment because you just want to be heard. So you in needing time to process has actually taught me, just because I have the thought right now doesn't mean I need to share it. I can wait. In fact, most of the time I will be hearing you and I will be thinking to myself, say nothing. In an hour you can say it and I don't have to. Because by the end of what you're saying, you get to it. Yes. Or you beat me to it before the hour and go, you know, I was thinking about— and I'm like, man, that's crazy. So I'm glad I've been able to help you kind of come out of that. But you've, you've also really helped me in realizing, like, sometimes asking a question of the person is better than telling them what to do. Sometimes, you know, picking your spots in those moments is important. Now, you said you had a story. Yes, I have a story. And this is a funny one. We are engaged and it's all in the same— we're very different and we are engaged and we're finding our venue. And we wanted very different things, but we found a perfect mix, mix of what I wanted.

00:37:44.849 --> 00:39:37.170
My wife doesn't realize she's got crazy expensive taste. She doesn't know that. Like, I know she's here, but she just doesn't really— she'll be like, I want this. And I'm like, I don't know if we know any princes in India to pay for that. Like, I don't, you know, do we know anybody in the royal families? Because I don't— do we know people with real money? You got some— you got some expensive taste. So that's just— okay, so back to the story. So we are coming with our, uh, plan of what we want, and I wanted, um, not necessarily outdoors, but I love the feel of an open space out, just looking outside. I liked that. Chris was saying outside is going to be muggy and hot, there's no way, I don't want outside, and that's we need to find a place inside. Well, funny enough, uh, Chris Muñoz's mom Marilyn, because she works with flowers and, and in the wedding industry, she knows so many venues. And she's actually the one who sent us this. As we're telling her what we're wanting, she's like, have you considered this venue? And I look it up, I go, and I immediately fall in love with it because it had Everything we want, everything we wanted. It had glass, uh, walls, and so it felt like you were outside, but you were in full AC. So wonderful. We got exactly what we wanted, and I'm still— I, till this day, I'm like, that was like God. She was like, here, this is what you need. But we go, we walk in, and it's beautiful. I know for a fact I want this venue. I know you want it because you're talking the lady's ear off. You're like telling her stories about us and how we met. But I'm there because I now— I want to know pricing. I want to know timelines.

00:39:37.170 --> 00:39:51.489
I, I get immediately to the important things. You were just like, this is a place we want. That's it. We're getting it. Perfect. She was like measuring tables. Okay. I'm like going to the practical. She's like, how many can we fit here?

00:39:51.489 --> 00:40:21.630
And so finally We agree on the venue, we bring the contract home, they send it over, and this is a good one, and I ask him, can you just handle the contracts? And he goes, yeah, that was your mistake. Of course, I'll handle that, I'll handle the contracts, because I was already doing all the detailed planning. So I'm like, can you just handle the contracts? And we come back and I did What any reasonable person would do.

00:40:22.110 --> 00:41:47.840
It was a, a digital sign. You just go click, click, click, click, click, click, contract signed. And then as we're doing the budget, I'm realizing that there's some, a, like a large sum of money that's not making sense. And I'm like, what's happening? And I go back through to everything. I'm looking at the contract. This is the most exposed I have ever felt on this podcast. And that's saying a lot. My mom and dad talk about me a lot. And we go to the venue contract, and I'm like, Chris, did you notice this number? And he goes, yeah, yeah, I— it's what we agreed with the lady. I'm like, this is not what we agreed on. And he's like, yes it is, we talked to her. And I'm like, Chris, look at what we signed. And then I start to go over every detail and I found the paragraph that talked about the— whatever it was, whatever it was. It was like an extra charge for something that she never mentioned in person. Well, this is what they do. We should know. We learned, we both learned. We were both learning, to be fair. But I'm like, did you read the contract? And he goes, I, I, I— it depends on what you mean by read. Exactly. That's what he said. And I mean every single line. Did you notice that there was an extra character? I'm not a lawyer.

00:41:47.840 --> 00:43:56.219
I'm a preacher. And he's like— I don't read. No. I'm just kidding. I read a lot. And then I remember that day being so mad at him because I'm like, I just asked you to handle the contracts and what you do with the contract is you read every word. And from there on, I took them and I was like, I'll read every contract. I went through like every single one to make sure we didn't miss anything. And it was one of those moments where it was— we were so different. We learned very quickly who was good with details and who was not and who was god-awful with them. But it was such a— I remember that that was one of even— we had our first differences. We learned that very early on. But this was the first one that had like a major, like, oh, now this is like, we have to pay this. It's different. And I look back and I laugh at the story now. Because I was so intense for no reason, really. I was— we were getting married. But you also— I learned Chris was just excited. He was happy that we found the venue and he loved it. He didn't need to be convinced. He was like, I love the lady, I love the venue, we're just sign. It'll be great. I wish that's what it was. I looked at that type of reading and said, I don't want to do this. And then— and I trusted the people. You trusted the people. Sign, sign, sign. And so to be fair though, I've never fallen for an Instagram scam. I did. It was so embarrassing. That one, the practical read every line person. Yeah, that girl, that girl took a break. She retired for that day. I fell for an Instagram ad and I spent money and it was fake. We got to tell the story really fast. We don't have much time. So essentially, we are on a— we're driving— expose me. Expose— no, cuz I don't want to expose you. It's not nice. It was just funny though, cuz we're driving back from, from Georgia. It's like 8 in the morning. You had just woken up. Marina was super baby, like he was a baby, baby. And we're driving back from Georgia and she's like, Chris, I found this sale from like Aritzia. Everything's like $2 or$3. And I'm driving at this point, I've been up for 4 or 5 hours driving. So my brain was fried.

00:43:56.219 --> 00:44:03.900
It's like July. And, and you were like, everything's like $2 or $3. And I'm like, get whatever you want.

00:44:03.900 --> 00:44:07.650
And so we're driving, you're in the backseat, remember? Sit next to the baby.

00:44:07.650 --> 00:44:22.190
And then you're like, okay, I spent $70 and I got 1,000 things. I'm like, good for you. And I'm like, no, it was around Christmas time. No, it wasn't around Christmas time because I said, I don't care that Christmas is so far away. Oh, go buy everything for Christmas.

00:44:22.190 --> 00:45:23.980
Yes. That's come across as super generous. And so, uh, she's like, okay, I'll do it. And so, sure enough, you're back there and like 10 minutes pass and you're just dead silent. And I'm like, What happened? And you said, Chris, I can't find the sale. And I go, what do you mean? She goes— when I went back, because I was like, I didn't want to overspend, so like, I only spent $70. Which is another opposite thing, because I'm like, do it right. Like, if you're gonna buy stuff, do it right. And then I'm like, no, I might find a deal later. I can't— that drives me crazy. Let me just wait. Let me just— I might find a better deal. We'll be at the mall looking for stuff she, she's been wanting, and she'll find the things she wants. And I'll be like, buy it. And she'll go, I just wonder if I can get it cheaper somewhere else. And I go, okay, but if you save $10, I still lose all of the time between now and when it took you to find it. And you've taught me that. I've become much better at that. That is true. Okay, well, sure enough, she goes and looks for it and she couldn't find it. She— and I was like, Michelle, how did you hear about it? She goes, it was an Instagram story.

00:45:23.980 --> 00:45:41.780
And I just went Like, I— and as I'm saying this, I'm like, me, the investigator who's gonna read through everything and think everything through, completely got scammed right now.

00:45:41.940 --> 00:46:29.670
Never again have I ever trusted those Instagram ads. I didn't even care about the money because it's like $70. I was like, they have our address? Like, no, but then we had to call and cancel the card. Oh, that's true. So immediately— and he was so patient. He was— okay, the way that I reacted when you read the contract was not your reaction when I got scammed. But that's because we have a fundamental difference deep down. I enjoy a good time more than anything. So like, even if you make me mad, I'm like, I'm not happy when I'm mad. I would rather be happy. So okay, I have to cancel all our credit cards. Might as well do it with a song in your heart, right? Like, you just can't— there's no reason to be pissed about it. You are so nice. That's not nice.

00:46:29.670 --> 00:47:23.219
It's— I'm protecting myself. I'm like, I want to be happy. No, I'm kidding. Well, the cool thing is, is that 5 years into marriage, uh, 7 or 8 years being together now, now with a kid and, you know, welcoming another one soon, it is weird how I have taken on so many of your like personality traits, especially because in this season of, you know, now I'm in my mid-30s and I— we're about to have a 3-year-old. You know, it's brought that— like, I've needed to be that. Like, when we first got married, we thought you'd be the money person and that didn't work. And I'm the money person and I'm not detailed. Still stay. Yeah, I'm not detailed, but I am the, the one that handles our money and I do a decent job. It's like It is crazy because now I'll be the one that's stressed about stuff and you'll be the one that's making the day fun for Marino.

00:47:23.219 --> 00:48:24.630
Mm-hmm. And it's like, okay, this is insane because the things that we're like— to say opposites attract and to make it seem like the way that I am is the way I will always be is not true. I will change. Yeah. And most likely you will too. So I can't let my personality trait right now dictate the happiness and health of our marriage. Because the truth is, the next season might pull something different out of me. Yeah. And I might be seeing things the way you see them. Yeah. Now I'm the one who gets very regimented with like plans. And I'm like, okay, we're gonna do this, then we're gonna do that, then we're gonna do this. Do we agree? And you'll be like, sure, sweetie, we'll do that. So it's the things that make us different that are great. Yeah, it makes it fun. And you know, we have— like my dad even said it during the family retreat, like, you're not really married until you've been married for 10 years. So I get really excited for the next 5 years so then we can experience true day one of our marriage. But it is really— it is fun.

00:48:24.630 --> 00:48:35.650
The things that make us different give the relationship color. Yeah, and it's fun. So this has been a very fun episode, I hope, of The Family Business with the Junior O.S.E.s.

00:48:35.650 --> 00:49:05.329
—yeah— today. Thank you for watching. Make sure you share it with somebody. I'm sure there's just someone that needs to know that their spouse isn't crazy, that they're not crazy. And, uh, feel free to watch some more of the, the other, uh, podcasts here. We've got a lot of great stuff for you. Thanks again for watching. Thanks so much for joining The Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend, and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time, because family is everybody's business.