How to Help Your Children Discover Their Unique Gifts (Even When They Can't See It)

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Hello and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's, with Steve and Mary Alessi here just giving you a little introduction. Look, we are getting ready for season eight. Very excited about over 200 episodes that we have been able to record.

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Some of them, if you were to go way back and listen to, you would be inspired. But we're going to go ahead and help you do that because there's so many. We're going to pull together a few that we're going to play at this time. Kind of a throwback and say, all right, here's a great episode that we know is going to be a great help to you. So why don't you sit back and enjoy another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's.

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All right, want to welcome you to another episode of our Family Business podcast with Steve Marial, because, let's face it, family is everybody's business. So you hear another voice today. And for those that are watching, you see my daughter Lauren in the studio with us. Now, what's so good about us coming together today, Lo, is that we get to discuss things that we can't say on Sunday when we are in service. We can come to our podcast here and we can say things that maybe people don't hear or know about us on Sunday because time is short, but here we're able to open up. So here you are, my middle daughter, my third child out of four. And what we're trying to do on the front side of our podcast here is get everybody to meet and hear from the different members of our family.

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So today it's gonna be you. We've already heard from your brother Christopher, who takes up a lot of oxygen. In the room, the longest episode probably.

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And we already heard from Stephanie, who's all over the map, but she does a great job. And Gabby's gonna follow you, so whatever oxygen is left, she's gonna go ahead and take.

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But here you are. You are, as I mentioned, our third child and our middle daughter, which means we got a son, three girls. You're right in the middle.

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So what's unique about you is you, from the get go, have been very quiet. You process. Yes.

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You think. And that would lead people to believe that you're shy.

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But we dealt with your shyness early on. Yes, you dealt with it. How did we deal with your shyness?

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Okay, quick story. We were at a wedding and all of my siblings were dancing on the dance floor. I didn't want to dance.

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And we got in the car that Night. And you said, why didn't you dance? And I said, well, I'm just more shy. I don't like people to see that side of me. And you said, you're not shy. Don't let people think you're shy. You are not shy. And from then on, it was like, okay, well, I could be quiet, but I just can't be shy.

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So that's been it. And you're not really quiet. There's a conversation going on. Yeah. It's just not coming out of your mouth. I just don't want to say it all the time. No, but it's going on. It's going on for sure. And that's. Sometimes you and I are the same in that standpoint because we have a lot of conversation going on in our head. When people are doing things or act in a certain way, when your brother's talking too much or your sisters. Yeah, we have a conversation going on in our mind. So, yes, you are the quiet one. But like mom says, silent but deadly.

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Because over the years, when you do speak up, we have. It amazes us because we'll sit back and it's like, there used to be a commercial on TV. It was called When E.F. hutton.

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When. When. When they speak, everybody listens. And that's how it is.

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Whenever you'd say something was like, wow, that's real profound.

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And that's what you've been able to do over the years, and that's why I wanted you to be here with us today, because I think what I would like us to do in this podcast is talk about the person who made one feel like in a family, in a business environment, even a person who may feel like they are a black sheep because they're different than the others in the family.

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And then I wanted to come from the standpoint of a parent or even business owner who looks at a child and says, okay, where do I help my child fit in? Because that's our role.

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That's our role. So did you ever feel like a black sheep? I actually. I never felt like a black sheep or like I didn't belong. I always felt like I belonged.

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I just felt like I had something different on my life that was so different from my family. I was never that kid, though, which I really feel like that was a protection of the Holy Spirit. I never had a moment where I was, like, crying in my room. Who am I? Why can't I just be like my siblings? And the truth is, I was so prideful of my siblings and what they Had.

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And I loved that that was them. I just knew for a fact that that was not for me. I knew that the speaking was on Chris. I knew that the worship was on Steph and the leadership and the calling that was on Gabby, that was on her. But I didn't necessarily want that for my life. Again, there's nothing wrong with that. It's just I saw them and I saw their passion behind it. And when it's God's will for somebody, there's just an automatic excelling in it.

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I just didn't feel that. And so, yeah, I never felt like a black sheep, like I didn't belong. I just kind of felt like, okay, one day everybody will see that I am right and that this is not for me. And, I mean, for as long as I can remember, I have felt that, like, since a little girl. But it was never something. I'm just gonna have to prove to everyone that they're wrong. It was just going to have to be, God's going to have to show me where I do belong. And so, yeah, that's pretty much. Well, no, that. That's. That's such wisdom there, Lo. Because what happens is in our line of work, because there's somebody always, from a pastor's perspective, they're in their visual, they're out front. And if they're out front, then that means they're always, you know, supposed to have this. This vibrant personality, and they have to be loud, and they have to be engaging from that standpoint. So people immediately think, okay, they're the leader.

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What sometimes people don't pick up on is that there's another side of people's strength and even in the organization and in the family that doesn't require them to be so loud so out front. So, you know, just this big, huge personality in the sense that people judge you by this personality that you have.

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And that's where it's good for everyone to sit back and say, okay, that may work for that individual, but that doesn't make me anything less if I'm not that, because I can bring something that stabilizes what the whole organization is doing.

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It's almost like a sailboat. You have the tall masts that then you have with the tall mast, the big sails, and the wind hits that stuff, and that if the wind gets too heavy, it'll push that sailboat in the right direction. But then you have to have what is underneath that sailboat. That long, heavy, stabilizing mechanism keeps the sailboat from turning over.

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And that's what Someone that has strength, brings to the family, that doesn't require them to have to be the one that's out there for everybody to see. And that's what was always on you. And I think maturity is realizing one is not better than the other. Right.

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It's like you're either a truck person or like a sports car person. You either prefer power or you prefer speed. But just because you prefer speed doesn't mean you're not any better than somebody who prefers to have power in a truck. You know, you just, that's your preference is what you prefer. But if you prefer speed, you're going to lack power in the car that you drive. If you prefer power, you're gonna lack speed. You know, this driving a truck, I mean, you drive a pretty nice truck that goes pretty fast, but when you like accelerate, there's a little bit of a, that you're not going to get in a Porsche, you know, So I think it's maturity is just realizing that's your preference. And life is just realizing you're not going to have everything.

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If you're the quiet type who has that quiet type strength, you're not going to be that loud, extroverted person who gets the party going. But you know what? That's not my preference. And there's nothing wrong with the person who's probably more upfront leadership, strong outgoing, who probably behind the scenes doesn't know how to act, doesn't know how to be introverted. But then there's nothing wrong with that. It's just a preference. It's just a personality. It's just who that person is. And wise and strong is the person and young person that figures that out soon. Now that's my job as a parent. My job is to help my kids find their place in life.

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Now there's different schools of thought for this, Lauren, because some people think, well, I gotta let my kids find their way. Yeah. And there's a certain truth to that.

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There's a way in which that can happen. And I understand that. I think a little bit more overdriving on the part of the parent early on in a kid's life is needed. Overdriving mean they're just a little more overbearing. They, they're on top of it. They're on, they're watching the kid, they're listening to conversations the kids have in there, watching the kind of people the kids are surrounding themselves with.

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And even as young adults, who's their peer group, they're. They're keeping an eye on all that to help them navigate through some of those early days. So I always felt like part of my job as a father, as, of course, a pastor.

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If I'm a pastor out in a church, I'm going to first pastor in my home. So I've always felt like it was my job to help each of you find your place. Now, if we were to look at our computers, we have a lot of stickers on our computer screens here. All over the place.

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All over the place. And one of yours says, it's big, bold, and green.

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It says, keep the country. Country. Where did you get that?

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I got that in Hawaii. You let me go to Hawaii for a semester. I did a semester of school in Oahu, Hawaii, and I had so much fun. It was so great. But I did. To go for school. I always try to clarify that.

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And then that's where I got all these stickers. But that was such a great experience. It was only four to five months, but it was kind of like shaping me to kind of. It was my first time away from my family.

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Okay, who am I really without my family? And that was kind of strange.

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And that was a big deal. That was a big ask on your part. Yeah. And that wasn't easy. First, you're going to local college here, fiu, and you had an opportunity to, you know, study abroad. And how can you keep your stay focused and on point with your major? And they were able to make that happen.

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And, man, I remember the conversations. And at the first, it was, oh, yeah, that was fun, right? Yeah. We first said yes, so you prepared yourself to do it. But then we came back, and mom and I, the more we thought about it, we came back and we said no. Yeah, that was tough.

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That was a real. That was a real test for you on the way that you handled that and in the moment.

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Did you handle it good? No, I did not. I think I got really.

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I was just like. But you said, yes, like this was supposed to happen.

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But you had said, just try to find some other options.

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Just try to branch out. And so. Because the program I could. It was. You could. You can kind of go to school anywhere in the country. And I was like, okay, but I don't want to go to, like, California. I don't want to go anywhere. So I was trying to find other schools, but just nothing really had interested me. Well, the fact that you would ask showed us you were searching, you were looking for something. And it's so much easier to say all these years later that that was a win because at one point we're like, we wasted our money, we wasted her time, we wasted people's encouragement because she went and she did this. And you came back with Hawaii on your mind and it was in your heart and you were like, I'm going back. Yeah, when I graduate, I'm going back. I'm going back, I'm going to marry a surfer.

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It's like, oh my gosh, this whole thing is falling apart.

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Yeah, it was. That was a real learning experience for me because it was like, I mean, when I was out there, everything had seemed like, wow, this was everything I was searching for. It was different from my family.

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It had felt like everything I was looking for. But then God's like, are you not going to trust me? Like, I've provided you this far, if you like, it's not that, oh, you feel like you're going to end up here, you're not going to trust me that I'll end you up here? That's not what I'm saying. But God's like, you know, if you have the dreams and desires of your heart that you're going to trust me with, to have a life like that, like you had over there, you don't trust me that I'll give that to you. And that's when I kind of felt that tough love from God that, okay, now you're going to have to wait for a minute and now you're going to have, you've had your fun season, but now you're going to have to learn in your waiting season and you're going to have to learn to grow up a little bit. And that now I'm still learning from it, but I'm just so grateful because it's one of those things where I'm like, wow, I could have, I could have married a surfer and I could have ended up in a terrible little beach shack and just been. I mean, in my head I would have been happy, but that wouldn't have been the will of God for my life.

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Like, I just think it's.

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Grandma always says, you know, it's good, but it's not God.

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And just cause something's good doesn't mean it's the will of God for your life.

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And so I'm just grateful for parents that aren't just pastors, but they're always like, okay, yeah, that's good, but that's not God's will for your life. And they're always not just searching for what's good or even what's great, but what does God really want you to do. And even if it's the hardest thing for us to walk through, you're like, okay, we'll walk through it for a couple years. Life is hard. Life's difficult. That's kind of what you got to do.

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Because on the other side of that is a whole new level to God's goodness. You don't even expect yourself to walk through yet.

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And now I'm on the other side of that, experiencing that, and I'm like, oh, my God. If I got stuck there, if my parents didn't challenge me, I mean, I can't even. I can't even imagine if it wasn't for you guys just challenging me and pulling me to take that step of faith.

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Family intervention. Yeah, exactly. That was a tough one. That was a tough one. We. We haven't had many, but that was definitely it. We. And I don't think when you were growing up, did I ever spank you? I think just like, once or twice. One time. And that would have been such a light little swat. But that was your spanking.

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Yeah. That family intervention was a thing. We. So we saw that you came back, you were struggling with getting your feet underneath you. You weren't.

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Because of that struggle, you were not excited at all about church work, about anything, and you still had school to do, and you were a bit disconnected from what the rest of the family was doing. And so we're looking at all of that. We're saying now, okay, we either let this thing play out, but if we let it play out without saying anything, we know what the end is going to look like. It's not going to be good. Yeah. So we said, okay.

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We had a family council before you came home, and actually a couple days before. And we said, all right. Is anybody picking up on this thing? It was like, yes. Why? Did somebody say something? Yes.

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Oh, my God. Finally we could talk about it. Yes. It's terrible. Is that moment with your siblings where you're like, yes, we hate them, and they're being mean.

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Somebody say something. So we were all on the same page as a family. And we're like, okay, then let's set the room up. And we did. And you were out doing something. And when you came in, all of us were set up, and we said, lauren, sit down. We gotta talk. And that was hard for us, Lo, because you never really had done anything wrong. That's why you only got one little swat. Maybe growing up, you were always.

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Always kind, always respectful, always obedient. It was just this one Thing. It was like you got stuck. Yeah. And we had to get you unstuck. So the family came around and we did the family intervention.

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And wow, it the. The beautiful thing about it. I'm not going to ask you to speak too much on that, because that was a real tough. Yeah, that was a tough one for you. But you responded great.

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Everything we had prayed for going into that family intervention, everything we ever spoke on over your life, we saw manifest itself. So we knew that we were doing right with that intervention. And the way you responded then made it easier for us to then, all, as a family, get back in step. And because of that, Lauren, the Lord saw that he could trust you with something.

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He could trust you with the vision or destiny and purpose for your life.

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Because as we said earlier, okay, the singing, that's great. It's needed in our line of work. The leadership is great. And it's needed in our line of work. The speaking, communicating is great. And it's needing in our line of work. But where does Lo fit in? What gift does Lauren bring to the table? And the organization that we lead, not only do we have one campus where we can use.

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All of us use our own gifts and talents, we have two campuses each serving. But there's other areas of ministry that we were. We know will be needed. We know now is needed, especially after coming out of 2020 like we did and now into this year and next year, people need that course correction. They need counseling.

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So this is something that came up in our spirit. And I was with mom one night and I said, you know, Mayor, you know how many times we sit back and we listen to Lauren say things? And all of us are like, wow, that's wisdom. That's amazing. Even beyond your years. And we would all sit back and it was. It was. It was profound, really. As a young girl, at your age, whenever was, it was always worth the family stopping and listening to. And it was always balanced. It was always right. And I said to mom one day, I said, you know, Mayor, I. I think. And I'm not saying God spoke to me, but I think Lauren has a gift for minister, for counseling.

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I think she's got an anointing for that. And mom and I talked about it, we prayed about it. And I remember saying, okay, Lord, you opened the door for me to bring this to Lauren's attention and just get. You. Get her to think about it. So you remember that drive we were on our way to Georgia. I don't remember the.

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So we're on our way to Georgia, you were in my truck with me. Mom and them were behind us, and you were driving. I said, lauren, drive. And I took a nap. And then I got up from the nap, and you were. You were doing the drive on I10.

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And I said, lord, let me ask you something. And I started to unveil this. Yes. I think from what I slightly remember, yes. Okay, so what happened in your mind as you started processing all of this? Well, I think that was the first time I was like, oh, my gosh. I felt, like, seen. And I don't want to tear up or anything like that, but it makes me laugh. To the intervention night, I started tearing up because I was like, it's when you don't want to get spanked as a kid, but then years later, you're laughing about it and you're like, thank God I was spanked as a kid. Because then you meet kids who aren't spanked, and they're just, like, the worst. That's how I feel. I'm like, that was the worst. But thank God for it, because I would have been the same.

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And I. I couldn't afford to be the same. I need to be better. I need. Everybody needs to be better. They can't be. They can't afford to stay in pride and stay in stubbornness. And that night, after our family intervention, I went upstairs and I was just crying. Crying because I knew I was wrong. I knew it.

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And I hate to cry. I hate to cry. But I felt the Lord say, lauren, there's no room for pride in my kingdom. And you really can't be prideful and abide in my word at the same time. That's just not how it works. And so from that night on, I just felt like, okay, if I'm going to do this, and I'm going to do this right, and I want to see all my dreams and all my desires for my life come to fruition. I lay everything down, all my pride, all my stubbornness, even my dreams and desires.

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Everything I hope for my life, I surrender it all. And it was like, from then on, God just started opening. I mean, there was a season of waiting, right, where nothing happened. And I just had to get to work. And nothing happened.

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But now God has just opened doors in my life where I'm like, what are you? What do you see in me? And then to that conversation that we were having in the car, I was like, wow, my. My dad has peace that I don't have to be a singer. I don't have to be a Minister. I don't have to do the ministry that my siblings do, but there is a way for me in ministry. And that was, that was such a beautiful moment for me because I was like, I was waiting for you and mom to feel what I had felt my whole life, which is that I don't want to do what everybody else does. I wanted to do something different. And that was just such a beautiful moment for me. Yeah. And it was a very mature conversation. It wasn't a spiritual like conversation of, oh, well, God's telling me this. It was, okay, well, if you're going to counsel, how are you going to do it? What school are you going to go to? How are you going to pay for it? It was very mature. It was very in an adult manner. And I just loved how you took me seriously. It wasn't a, oh, well, you know, that'll all go away one day. So don't, you know, get your hopes up or any. No, it was such a God ordained conversation of God saying, I've seen you wait, I seen you put your pride aside. Now here's me blessing you with your future and what you're going to do. And it was just. Now I remember that conversation.

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It was beautiful. Yeah. So, yeah, no, Lauren, we're both crying in here.

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I know it's kind of nuts because we are dealing with stuff that maybe young, young adults would struggle with.

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And the parents that still are looking at their kids and they're wondering, how in the world am I going to see anything change?

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It's so important that we.

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It's like holding on to the reins when you're riding a horse, you, you hold on just enough to where you trust that the horse will go in the direction they say. A feel first. It starts with pressure. They pull to the left, pull to the right, pull back, loosen up, go forward with the horse. But after a while, a good horse knows that all you do is you. You just touch the side of the neck and the rein, you loosen up or you give a little a tug and the horse responds. That's what happens with adulthood. It's our job to come up alongside of you. Even as a young adult who's sitting in college struggling with what am I going to do with my life? Yeah. I'm not sure we really have this right in the American system. We do not. Maybe Israel has it better. Send your kids to right out of high school to go to the army for a couple of years and then help them with their education.

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We put them into the education before they Even know what they want to do with their life. Yep. And then they find themselves, most of the time, either going in with a major that's undeclared or they change their major or they go in with a real soft law of major that is they're not really sure what's going to happen. That's because they don't know their future. And one of the problems with that is nobody's helping them find it. And they have a guidance counselor that comes alongside and says, do it this way, but. But they don't know the heart of the person. They don't know the heart of the student. We always felt like if we were going to do anything for you, we needed to help you navigate this decision.

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So we knew you from the day you were born. We saw your unique temperament and your personality. We knew that you weren't a mistake or a castaway or a black sheep. We knew that if God put you in our home, there was going to be a reason. And especially if the rest of us were moving in the same direction, there was going to be a reason that we would be together and you would complement what we're doing. We just had to think, even as parents, out of our own paradigm, we had to have a shift. And it couldn't be that the only thing about ministry here, the only way to do ministry, is on the platform. Yeah.

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So in your case, you're saying, wait a minute, this girl could help us in the counseling ministry.

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And that wouldn't have come our way, Lauren, if you hadn't been willing to say, I sacrifice what I'm thinking and what I want in my young life. Yeah.

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Because you didn't know really, what tomorrow was going to hold. The parents who did know what tomorrow was going to hold was trying to show you that this is what's going to happen if you don't find a solid life. You couldn't just sit on the beach in Hawaii. And as cool as that may have been, when we started talking, okay, Lauren, how are you going to pay for everything? How are you going to support yourself?

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What, are you going to sell coffee in a coffee shop? And when the reality hit, I was like, what? Oh, man, somebody's got to pay the bills.

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Not my parents. So there was a major shift, but you were willing to do it. So what have you done since that conversation? You graduate fiu. Now what? So now I am. I graduated with my bachelor's at fiu. I really didn't know. I picked a major, like you said, based off, oh, this seems Cool.

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Let's do it. And then I went back in 2020, the fall, and got my master's. I'm studying to be a clinical health counselor, so I'm in my second semester already. I'm learning so much, but I've basically been learning that everything about my temperament, everything about my personality is everything that you really need to be a counselor, and that really benefits you to be a counselor. So, for instance, we've always had a joke between me and my sisters that's like, oh, if you want to keep a secret, tell Lauren. She'll take it to the grave. So true. And I mean, it. Could I just take things as, nobody needs to know. It's okay. We're good. I'll keep a secret. We're good. And the main thing about counseling is unless it's sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, anything like that, confidentiality cannot be broken. Anything in that room, it has to be said. Another thing is that conflicting relationships within the church, you have to be careful who you counsel, because at any point you can say, oh, we need to counsel. You need to counsel this person. My ministry, I hope, is to counsel people here at Metro Life Church. Well, my family all the time is like, oh, do you know this person? Do you know this person?

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I'm like, who are they? I don't know them. And they're like, they've been coming for, like, two years. Again, I'm at Dadeland, but I'm like, I don't know who these people are. Well, that actually works to the benefit of counseling, because you really shouldn't know and see people that you might be counseling one day. And so it's just all these funny things of like, wow, if that was Gabby, we'd be in trouble. Because Gabby talks to everybody. Gabby knows everybody. Gabby would not be able to keep that a secret. Or Chris. Or Chris. It would not work.

00:30:50.779 --> 00:31:20.380
But I've actually had people come up to me and say, thank you for doing that. And they're like, it's not that the church doesn't see the importance of it. That's not it. It's the fact that we feel safe enough to be at a church where the pastors recognize the importance of it to the point where one of their children is a mental health counselor. Is there's just a safety net in that, that things can be done from the stage. Absolutely. Ministry can be done from the stage. Absolutely.

00:31:20.380 --> 00:32:19.420
And you do that. You still do the singing. And, yes, you cooperate in speaking, like you're doing even now. Yeah. But people can be Coming to your church for 10 plus years and have untouched childhood trauma that they don't want to touch unless they go see a counselor. And the pastors and the ministry can help that only so much because there is a certain aspect. I mean, God is called a counselor in the Bible. He is called a counselor. So there is an aspect of. There needs to be that one on one trained professional that helps a person walk through things that nobody else has ever walked through with them. So I think it's just, it's something I'm grateful to be chosen to do something. I'm really grateful for God to say, I entrust you with this. Yeah. I don't even know how to explain it. Well, the world needs it, especially now. And to see that this is something that really touches your heart.

00:32:19.980 --> 00:32:23.259
You are pursuing your master's at Liberty University.

00:32:23.660 --> 00:32:39.000
Yes. So this is a big deal for you. We're super, super proud that you'll be stepping into it the way that you are. You're good at it. You, you're really good with studies, which takes you and your mom. Me and your mom, we're not too good at that.

00:32:39.000 --> 00:32:42.200
That's where you shine supreme, for sure.

00:32:42.599 --> 00:32:50.160
But I think this is very helpful, though. I think it's going to encourage others in their own search for significance.

00:32:50.160 --> 00:33:15.920
Where do I have a role to play? Because most people in life, I mean, one of the big questions are, is why am I here and what am I supposed to do? What's my, my purpose? We helped establish your calling as a family. And all of us were on the same page. We all were in agreement. You needed to be in agreement. Yeah. You needed to be open to say, hey, I'm in agreement with that.

00:33:15.920 --> 00:33:19.519
I can see it. And it was ordained. God made it happen.

00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:26.720
To in large part because as a young woman, you were willing to say early on, I don't know everything. Yeah, my pride's getting in the way.

00:33:27.119 --> 00:33:41.839
Let me back up. Because you put it out there, even though it was Hawaii, the country. Life. You were able to really experience. Okay, so I'm going to close with this as I usually like to throw a question your way. Okay.

00:33:42.400 --> 00:33:48.799
The question I want to have for you is it's about siblings. So who's the sibling that you fight with the most?

00:33:51.369 --> 00:33:56.009
Oh, boy. Fight with the most.

00:33:59.210 --> 00:34:02.569
Come on. Me and Chris go at it.

00:34:03.690 --> 00:34:14.809
Me and Chris is a very different person. We don't fight, though. It just means we just tease each other. I tease Chris a lot. Who irritates you the most? So that's that's the difference. Is that.

00:34:15.420 --> 00:34:25.179
Okay, here's the honest truth. Chris irritates me the most. But I would say me and Stephanie probably fight the most. Yeah. Just because our personalities. But every sibling is different.

00:34:25.579 --> 00:34:28.699
That's it. That's it. Well, mom just stepped in the studio there.

00:34:29.340 --> 00:34:40.460
This has been another wonderful episode of our Family Business podcast. I hope you were encouraged by this. And thanks, Lauren. You really did. Thanks for having a great job. We cried.

00:34:40.619 --> 00:34:47.760
I didn't mean to touch a shoe. We hit the microphones a lot. We all because we're a bit emotional.

00:34:47.760 --> 00:35:13.260
But it was a great episode. And thank you for joining us today with the Family Business podcast. You've just enjoyed another episode of the Family Business podcast with the Alessi's and we can't thank you enough for being a part of our pawdience today. Now that you've learned more about us, here's how you can join in in the family business. First, make sure you're following our podcast right now and download this episode so you can hear it at any time.

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