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How to Stop Losing Yourself in Parenting (But Still Prioritize Your Family)
How to Stop Losing Yourself in Parenting (But Still Prioritize Your Family)
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Season 8

Is it possible that your greatest blessings - your spouse and your children - could also drain your spirit and prevent you from pursuing the hobbies and interests that give you joy?

Parents often find themselves struggling to grow as individuals when their family responsibilities take over their lives - but finding the balance between personal growth and focusing on your marriage and parenting can be really difficult.

In this episode, Stephanie Alessi Muina and her husband Chris take a honest look at how they are maintaining a sense of self-worth and identity while also giving their children - and their marriage - the best chance at success. You'll find a ton of effective and practical strategies that you can apply to your own life as you grow as a person, a parent and a spouse.

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00:30 - Intro

01:38 - How Did We Get Here?

13:00 - Having Hobbies

17:33 - A Good Foundation

23:48 - Value Each Other

30:15 - Serving As New Parents

38:31 - Priorities & Perspective

WEBVTT

00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.560
This kind of came up a little bit and I told you straight out.

00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:06.400
I was like, Steph, Gianna praises me for everything I do.

00:00:06.559 --> 00:00:06.959
I know.

00:00:07.200 --> 00:00:09.679
She loves on me all the time.

00:00:09.839 --> 00:00:12.640
Like she thinks I'm a superhero.

00:00:12.800 --> 00:00:14.800
Like she thinks I am the best.

00:00:15.039 --> 00:00:15.759
I remember this.

00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:19.280
She so I'm gonna be drawn to that.

00:00:19.600 --> 00:00:21.440
Like she's my little girl.

00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:22.000
Yes.

00:00:22.160 --> 00:00:23.760
I'm gonna wanna give her everything, you know?

00:00:23.920 --> 00:00:24.320
Yes.

00:00:24.559 --> 00:00:28.480
And because I was thinking you treat Gia better than you treat me.

00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:29.760
Yeah, yeah, that's what it all came out of.

00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:37.200
And I was like, well, yeah, right now right now, currently, because we weren't in a great right now, yeah, because look how look how she treats me.

00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:49.439
Hello and welcome to the family business with the Alessies.

00:00:49.679 --> 00:00:53.200
My name is Stephanie Mwina, and I'm here with my husband.

00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:54.560
Christopher Mwina.

00:00:55.280 --> 00:01:01.759
And we are again gonna dive into the topic of marriage, children.

00:01:02.079 --> 00:01:03.920
Married for five years, what did we learn?

00:01:04.000 --> 00:01:04.799
The whole thing.

00:01:04.959 --> 00:01:08.000
And we are very excited to dive into it.

00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:14.799
So please leave your comments at the end of our, at the bottom of the screen, on YouTube, on Spotify.

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Let us know how you are walking through this season of marriage, how this has helped you.

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Because we always love that engagement.

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We love to hear from our listeners.

00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:30.239
We need to hear from our listeners to see if you like these conversations and if it's helped you in any way.

00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:38.079
So today we are going to dive into the topic of how did we get here?

00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:42.799
We've been married for five years, and it has been a wild ride.

00:01:43.120 --> 00:01:50.000
We got married back in 2021, and we got pregnant two months after we got married.

00:01:50.319 --> 00:01:53.359
So we were dating for five months, engaged for six months.

00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:55.680
Yes, without knowing each other at all before then.

00:01:55.840 --> 00:01:56.000
Yeah.

00:01:56.079 --> 00:01:57.519
So married within a year.

00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:00.879
Uh a month or two later after marriage, you got pregnant.

00:02:01.120 --> 00:02:07.359
So kind of just thrown into uh being a husband, being a wife, being a mom, being a dad.

00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:07.920
Yeah.

00:02:08.080 --> 00:02:19.199
Um, and then our independent selves or the things that we were passionate about before we met each other naturally takes a back uh you know, a back.

00:02:19.840 --> 00:02:23.120
We were thrown into it, or we were drowning in it too.

00:02:23.840 --> 00:02:24.560
Well, we jumped in.

00:02:24.800 --> 00:02:25.280
We jumped in.

00:02:25.439 --> 00:02:28.960
We we wanted to to kind of get going with our life.

00:02:29.120 --> 00:02:29.280
Yeah.

00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:44.240
And it was fun and exciting, and um, and naturally the things that you know fueled me that that adventure, you know, I would do a lot of crazy like mountain bike trips or you know, surfing trips to Costa Rica, all those things they didn't weren't important to me anymore.

00:02:44.560 --> 00:02:46.400
Because what was important was you.

00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:48.879
What was important was Gianna and Matthew.

00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:52.960
And for you, you have the same or similar experiences.

00:02:53.199 --> 00:02:53.360
Yeah.

00:02:53.599 --> 00:03:03.599
But now five years later, those things that once kind of put a spark in us, they they're they're tending to to rise up again.

00:03:03.840 --> 00:03:06.240
So the whole question is is that okay?

00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:10.080
Um should we be doing everything together?

00:03:10.240 --> 00:03:18.800
Yeah um, is there like a an underlying guilt if I want to do something that you're not really crazy about and you're like just go ahead, go go do it, you know?

00:03:18.960 --> 00:03:20.479
Yeah, go take that hunting trip.

00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:22.240
Like, should I feel bad about that?

00:03:22.479 --> 00:03:23.680
Or is that healthy?

00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:23.919
Yeah.

00:03:24.080 --> 00:03:29.360
So all these things, because we can kind of like self-reflect a little bit.

00:03:29.439 --> 00:03:29.759
Yeah, yeah.

00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:35.520
All these things as we as we enter these new stages in marriage, uh, is what we're looking back on.

00:03:35.680 --> 00:03:36.240
It's all we're doing.

00:03:36.479 --> 00:03:36.719
Yes.

00:03:36.800 --> 00:03:37.759
So pause, pause.

00:03:37.919 --> 00:03:46.639
Before we dive into this, let's give them some background because we were two very adventurous individuals before we got married.

00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:49.280
Which is one of the things that brought us together.

00:03:49.759 --> 00:03:50.000
Yes.

00:03:50.159 --> 00:03:56.400
That's one of the reasons that that we found each other attractive because you were, you know, in Israel for two weeks by yourself.

00:03:56.479 --> 00:03:56.639
Yeah.

00:03:56.879 --> 00:03:58.719
I was in Spain for a month by myself.

00:03:59.039 --> 00:03:59.439
No, I'm not sure.

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We would do all these things.

00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:02.560
Yeah, it was crazy independently.

00:04:02.800 --> 00:04:11.039
And then we suddenly met in 2020, during the pandemic, when life shut down.

00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:20.000
So it was very it was an interesting dichotomy because you and I individually were running at 100 miles per hour.

00:04:20.240 --> 00:04:26.240
Like you said, you were in Spain, you did an adventure for a month on a boat.

00:04:27.120 --> 00:04:28.800
Can you please tell me what that was about?

00:04:28.879 --> 00:04:30.319
Because I always forget what that was.

00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:30.879
Yeah.

00:04:31.040 --> 00:04:40.079
Well, part of my my master's studies was doing like research work, scuba diving, spearfishing, fishing, uh on a boat.

00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:43.759
So, like, what was the whole point of like like tell us the story?

00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:44.560
How did that happen?

00:04:44.720 --> 00:04:47.439
What it why did you go on a boat for a whole month?

00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:53.439
It was part of an internship that I was doing in in UM uh with the National Park Service.

00:04:53.600 --> 00:05:07.199
So I lived out in the Director Tugas for three months and then spent a month on the UM research vessel um between here and the Bahamas, just studying, you know, plankton and different fish species and stuff like that.

00:05:07.839 --> 00:05:08.800
So very adventurous.

00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:09.199
Yeah.

00:05:09.839 --> 00:05:15.279
I remember when we were dating, I found your YouTube page and I kind of stalked you through your YouTube page.

00:05:15.519 --> 00:05:17.439
Well, because we had no idea who each other were.

00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:20.240
We're like, we were completely new to each other.

00:05:20.480 --> 00:05:24.879
And your family was like, hey, you know he's one of the most interesting men in the world.

00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:26.560
And I'm like, what do you mean?

00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:38.240
And they go, Yeah, he he went on a like a five-day biking trip with his brother-in-law in the desert, only bikes, no hotels, in little tiny cabins.

00:05:38.399 --> 00:05:43.600
And you would stay in cabins throughout the night, barely any showering, barely any good food.

00:05:43.759 --> 00:05:53.680
You just literally got on a bike, not a motorcycle, but on a bike for five days in the desert and went across what was it?

00:05:53.759 --> 00:05:55.839
Uh it was Colorado and Utah.

00:05:56.079 --> 00:05:57.680
So that was one story.

00:05:57.920 --> 00:06:00.079
Yeah, but tons of things like that.

00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:07.600
I mean, that's what made me that's what put that spark inside of me to kind of seek out adventure and a little bit of danger and all those things.

00:06:07.839 --> 00:06:11.360
And then I met you, and those things don't just go away.

00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:11.920
Yeah, yeah.

00:06:12.079 --> 00:06:14.480
They maybe kind of get put aside.

00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:14.959
Yes.

00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:16.480
So let me finish what I was saying.

00:06:16.720 --> 00:06:19.279
I was then doing assembling in my own lane.

00:06:19.439 --> 00:06:21.199
You were had your own lane, I had my own lane.

00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:22.639
We were both doing adventurous stuff.

00:06:22.879 --> 00:06:23.600
We were very independent.

00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:25.680
You already were writing in Nashville.

00:06:25.839 --> 00:06:26.079
Yes.

00:06:26.319 --> 00:06:29.360
You had a record label with uh whatever.

00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:30.079
I forgot.

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Integrity.

00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:32.000
Integrity worship.

00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:32.319
Yeah.

00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:34.720
Uh traveling to and back from Nashville.

00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:36.079
You spent two weeks in Israel.

00:06:36.319 --> 00:06:36.879
The whole thing.

00:06:37.040 --> 00:06:40.240
Um, like you were taking advantage of your singleness.

00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:40.639
Yeah.

00:06:40.800 --> 00:06:43.360
To the to the best that you could, and you were doing awesome.

00:06:43.600 --> 00:06:46.000
And then we met, the world shut down.

00:06:46.240 --> 00:06:50.879
And that's when we met, when we were both actually in chill mode.

00:06:51.120 --> 00:07:00.160
So it was very hard for us because we we didn't really get a solid idea of each other's life.

00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:03.759
We got an idea while we dated of who we were.

00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:05.600
Like I knew you were a family man.

00:07:05.759 --> 00:07:08.240
I knew that you were adventurous because of the stories.

00:07:08.399 --> 00:07:13.199
And I knew that you were very smart and how you wanted to build your life.

00:07:13.279 --> 00:07:15.519
And that's what made me a true you love the Lord.

00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:24.319
So we were discovering who we were at the core, but we didn't get to live out life together while we dated.

00:07:24.480 --> 00:07:29.920
And that was very interesting because I didn't know how important that was until we got married.

00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:37.199
Because then when we got married, and then we had Gianna, and that kept us kind of slowed down as well, to be honest.

00:07:37.279 --> 00:07:48.079
It wasn't like we we got married and then we settled down and then we wanted to resume our normal lives because then it was like, whoa, now we're pregnant and we're having kids.

00:07:48.240 --> 00:07:54.800
So now a mass another shift and another break in our normal life routine.

00:07:55.120 --> 00:08:13.680
So it wasn't until I would say, like this past year or a year and a half, two years ago, when we started to get into a rhythm with the kids, that we started to realize oh, this is a normal life rhythm, and this is what I want for my normal life rhythm, and this is what you want for your normal life rhythm.

00:08:14.000 --> 00:08:15.439
And there's some differences.

00:08:16.240 --> 00:08:18.000
Do you think that that's accurate?

00:08:18.240 --> 00:08:18.639
Oh, yeah.

00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:27.519
I remember maybe six months to a year ago, we had an argument, and you felt that I was going too fast.

00:08:27.759 --> 00:08:30.079
Like you were you said something about a pace.

00:08:30.480 --> 00:08:31.680
My pace was too much.

00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:35.360
Like I was just, I had to slow down and relax and stuff.

00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:41.360
Even on vacations, I don't I can't just sit there and lie down in a yeah, you are not the sitting-down guy watching TV.

00:08:41.519 --> 00:08:41.679
Right.

00:08:41.759 --> 00:08:46.080
So you were complaining that about me, and I was like, Steph, that's always been who I am.

00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:47.279
Like that's who you married.

00:08:47.360 --> 00:08:49.360
I've always had this pace in life.

00:08:49.679 --> 00:08:54.240
Um, and again, things were kind of creeping up of like our old selves.

00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:54.720
Yes.

00:08:54.960 --> 00:08:55.919
You wanted to chill.

00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:08.720
Uh, when we had our days off, you like to have a late morning brunch, chill on the couch, and by 10 a.m., um I'm like, all right, I want to do stuff.

00:09:08.799 --> 00:09:09.759
I want to do stuff in the house.

00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:10.799
Like, let's go on a walk.

00:09:10.879 --> 00:09:11.600
Like, let's let's do stuff.

00:09:11.679 --> 00:09:11.919
Come on.

00:09:12.159 --> 00:09:13.360
So you chill, you know.

00:09:13.600 --> 00:09:16.000
So that that I now I'm understanding.

00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:20.480
And what was so hard was I think we realized we chilled differently.

00:09:21.039 --> 00:09:28.960
Like we were, it was hilarious because we would have arguments where it was like, well, you just go too fast and you do too much.

00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:41.200
And we both we one day hit a wall where we're like, okay, I think we both do too much and we both go too fast, but in separate lanes, which could actually, at first it was really, really hard.

00:09:41.360 --> 00:09:45.039
And then we were like, okay, we gotta let them run their race.

00:09:45.279 --> 00:09:50.720
But when we decide this is when we're chilling, we've gotta have some middle ground.

00:09:50.960 --> 00:09:57.759
The difference is you like to run hard throughout the week, Monday through Thursday, Monday through Friday till 10 o'clock.

00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:01.120
You like to fill your schedule with more like Sunday through Thursday.

00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:02.000
Sunday through Thursday.

00:10:02.080 --> 00:10:02.799
Yeah, that's our work week.

00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:03.120
Yeah.

00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:06.799
You like to fill, be productive during that week.

00:10:07.120 --> 00:10:07.759
I do.

00:10:09.039 --> 00:10:11.519
I like to be productive on the weekends.

00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:12.480
And at night.

00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:14.720
You like to turn off I like to turn off at night.

00:10:14.960 --> 00:10:16.320
Six, seven o'clock, you're done.

00:10:16.559 --> 00:10:16.799
Right.

00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:22.399
That's my wind down time, have dinner, chill, watch TV, be home.

00:10:22.639 --> 00:10:22.879
Right.

00:10:23.039 --> 00:10:26.000
But on uh Fridays and Saturdays is our weekend.

00:10:26.240 --> 00:10:30.559
If I'm not productive during one of those two days, I feel like I wasted my weekend.

00:10:30.639 --> 00:10:30.879
Yeah.

00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:33.279
And on those day two days, you want to chill.

00:10:33.360 --> 00:10:33.519
Yeah.

00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:34.399
You want to do nothing.

00:10:34.559 --> 00:10:36.480
You want to go to a coffee shop.

00:10:36.639 --> 00:10:36.879
Yeah.

00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:39.759
You know, so we really have to kind of find a middle ground.

00:10:40.000 --> 00:10:40.559
Find a middle ground.

00:10:41.039 --> 00:10:42.720
Because I mean, I would get so mad at you.

00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:43.600
You don't chill.

00:10:43.679 --> 00:10:45.840
You don't sit down and watch a movie with me.

00:10:46.080 --> 00:10:48.399
And then I'm like, Steph, you're adults.

00:10:48.480 --> 00:10:50.159
You just moved into this new house.

00:10:50.320 --> 00:10:53.039
You have 18 boxes in your garage.

00:10:53.279 --> 00:10:56.240
You can't sit around and watch movies all day.

00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:58.559
You gotta work, you gotta you have to have seasons.

00:10:58.720 --> 00:11:04.080
So that that was kind of something I had to work out where it's like your husband is working hard.

00:11:04.240 --> 00:11:14.639
Because the worst is when I would hear my girlfriends that were like you, that were like, I spent the whole weekend working on my garage, working on my thing.

00:11:14.799 --> 00:11:18.240
And I'm like, I just sat on the couch all weekend and I wanted to rest.

00:11:18.320 --> 00:11:20.399
And I got mad at my husband for wanting to work.

00:11:20.639 --> 00:11:26.559
And that would make me feel super convicted because I'm like, okay, I need to push myself a little bit here.

00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:27.919
He's right.

00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:30.080
We need to, we need to go.

00:11:30.240 --> 00:11:32.480
But then what we would get on vacation.

00:11:32.799 --> 00:11:34.320
Hold on, before you go to vacation.

00:11:34.480 --> 00:11:34.720
Okay.

00:11:34.960 --> 00:11:39.759
I, on the other hand, I had to be like, hey, Friday morning, let's go to your favorite coffee shop.

00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:41.120
You know, let's take the kids.

00:11:41.200 --> 00:11:42.000
We'll go to a park.

00:11:42.480 --> 00:11:42.639
You did.

00:11:42.720 --> 00:11:44.799
It was so nice.

00:11:44.960 --> 00:11:47.600
You know, and then let's come back and do what we got to do in the house.

00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:49.279
So it was a it was a give and take.

00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:50.320
It wasn't just all work.

00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:52.399
By the way, I'm already planning a Sunday after church.

00:11:52.480 --> 00:11:53.679
I gotta cut the grass.

00:11:58.159 --> 00:11:58.480
Okay.

00:11:59.279 --> 00:11:59.919
That's fine.

00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:00.559
Then I'm leaving.

00:12:00.639 --> 00:12:02.879
I'm gonna go to a coffee shop with my friends.

00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:06.080
Um, Dave, what was I gonna say?

00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:07.840
I but I was gonna add to that.

00:12:07.919 --> 00:12:13.279
Um, when we would go on vacation, you would want to wake up at like 10 and be out of the house.

00:12:13.679 --> 00:12:17.600
Or we would wake up early and want to be out of the house by like 10 or out of the hotel.

00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:22.720
And I'm like, please, just for these four days, can we slow down?

00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:23.440
And you did.

00:12:23.519 --> 00:12:24.879
It was it was nice.

00:12:25.120 --> 00:12:28.399
Um, but yeah, like we had to meet in the middle.

00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:41.759
And I will say I do appreciate that day you went to Mamon Bakery with me and you sat there in that super girly, blue, swirly coffee shop, and you had a croissant with me, and that was really nice.

00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:45.200
That won you points for like a year, yeah.

00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:47.759
But we're coming up on that year, so I don't know what year.

00:12:49.679 --> 00:12:51.279
So I don't know what else you'll do.

00:12:51.519 --> 00:12:56.879
The point is are to repair that are having hobbies independently, yeah.

00:12:57.120 --> 00:12:59.679
Are those okay, you know, in a marriage?

00:12:59.919 --> 00:13:01.679
And when the hobbies are so different.

00:13:02.559 --> 00:13:06.720
Because you one of my hobbies is honestly going to restaurants with my friends.

00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:09.440
That is that is a legitimate hobby of mine.

00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:12.240
And you were like, it's spending money.

00:13:12.879 --> 00:13:14.000
You're just sitting around.

00:13:14.080 --> 00:13:15.679
Is there is it somebody's birthday?

00:13:15.840 --> 00:13:19.360
And I'm like, no, we just want to sit around and talk.

00:13:19.679 --> 00:13:22.879
And again, you have to come to that middle point.

00:13:23.039 --> 00:13:33.440
Um, but then I realized I sorry if I interrupted you, but and then I realized that like your hobbies, you recharge the way you want to recharge.

00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:34.879
And that I respect that.

00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:36.879
I gotta, I gotta give you space to do that.

00:13:36.960 --> 00:13:45.840
Because I would hate if you came over to me and try to change up my hobbies and and I think they're okay as long as we still have our things that we do together.

00:13:45.919 --> 00:13:46.159
Yeah.

00:13:46.320 --> 00:13:47.360
To bond together.

00:13:47.519 --> 00:13:47.759
Yeah.

00:13:47.919 --> 00:13:52.159
Like we can't just let go of those things or or be like, ah, we'll be fine.

00:13:52.720 --> 00:13:55.120
Because then we start can start to kind of drift apart.

00:13:55.279 --> 00:14:00.080
Like we always have to have those things that do draw us together, that do kind of bring us together.

00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:00.639
Yeah.

00:14:00.799 --> 00:14:03.440
Um, and those should be, I think, the the priority.

00:14:03.679 --> 00:14:05.120
If we have a tight week, it's true.

00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:06.559
Then hey, what are we doing together?

00:14:06.879 --> 00:14:08.240
Are we going to watch a movie?

00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:08.879
Oh, yeah.

00:14:09.039 --> 00:14:09.440
You know?

00:14:09.679 --> 00:14:15.759
And I think we've also entered a really great part of our season of our marriage where I genuinely I would rather just kind of be with you.

00:14:15.919 --> 00:14:16.320
Oh, yeah.

00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:19.840
After after three hours of a Saturday of me going to a car show, I'm done.

00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:21.120
I'm like, I want to go back.

00:14:21.279 --> 00:14:21.840
I want to go home.

00:14:21.919 --> 00:14:24.240
I want to, I wanna, you know, spend time with you, spend time with the kids.

00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:26.320
Yes, and I I like our time together.

00:14:26.399 --> 00:14:28.159
It it really does recharge me.

00:14:28.320 --> 00:14:31.440
And I had the I had an immature mindset going into marriage too.

00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:34.559
It was like, I need to recharge by doing something else.

00:14:34.720 --> 00:14:36.559
And it's like, no, you don't.

00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:39.039
Which kids help help you get to that point.

00:14:39.200 --> 00:14:43.919
Kids do make you realize you recharge at home with your babies and with your husband.

00:14:44.080 --> 00:14:47.360
That that is the most fulfilling thing in your life.

00:14:47.519 --> 00:14:53.360
But nothing else will, everything else is a wonderful add-on and a wonderful addition that are necessary.

00:14:53.600 --> 00:15:04.639
Friends are necessary, um, outings are necessary, whatever it is, hobbies, sports, it is necessary, but it will not be the one thing that refuels me.

00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:06.720
It's not going to be the one thing that recharges me.

00:15:06.960 --> 00:15:10.480
What fulfills my core is knowing.

00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:19.360
Sorry, what fulfills my core, my heart, what gets me in a really solid place is spending time with you and the kids.

00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:21.360
Like every single time.

00:15:21.600 --> 00:15:24.960
And I did have to realign that.

00:15:25.039 --> 00:15:26.480
I wasn't naturally like that.

00:15:26.559 --> 00:15:31.519
I wasn't one of those girls that dreamt of becoming a mother or dreamt of becoming a wife.

00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:32.960
I didn't disdain that.

00:15:33.039 --> 00:15:35.919
I didn't like, I wasn't, I didn't mock that.

00:15:36.000 --> 00:15:40.559
I was I was looking forward to that, but it wasn't like this massive dream.

00:15:40.799 --> 00:15:48.399
So I did have to realign my priorities a little bit and say, no, this is this is the most fulfilling.

00:15:48.559 --> 00:15:50.720
Nothing else will fulfill me more than this.

00:15:50.960 --> 00:15:53.840
Well, Steph, I don't think anybody naturally does that.

00:15:53.919 --> 00:15:54.799
I think that's learned.

00:15:54.960 --> 00:15:55.279
Yeah.

00:15:55.600 --> 00:15:57.120
And it's trial and error.

00:15:57.840 --> 00:16:01.039
Hey, maybe in six months this this plan of ours won't work.

00:16:01.679 --> 00:16:02.159
I know.

00:16:02.320 --> 00:16:02.639
I know.

00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:08.559
A lot of people don't realize that we're we're new to we've never had a four-year-old.

00:16:08.639 --> 00:16:08.960
Yeah.

00:16:09.120 --> 00:16:09.360
You know?

00:16:09.519 --> 00:16:09.759
Yeah.

00:16:09.919 --> 00:16:12.720
It's the first time ever having Gianna's gonna turn four.

00:16:12.799 --> 00:16:13.360
We've never done it.

00:16:13.519 --> 00:16:13.759
I know.

00:16:13.919 --> 00:16:16.480
You know, we've never been married for more than five years.

00:16:17.120 --> 00:16:18.399
So we're not what that's like.

00:16:18.720 --> 00:16:22.960
Sure, we can get experiences from others and learn things, but we're learning as we're going.

00:16:23.279 --> 00:16:33.279
We watched that movie uh Solemu, and I will say, let me preface it with, it is not a the perfect epitome of or the perfect explanation of marriage.

00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:37.519
Like there was some weird stuff in there that was not a good example.

00:16:37.679 --> 00:16:49.120
However, there was that one scene where the guys were arguing with each other, and the guy, the main guy, Kevin James, was saying, How is it that you guys all you do is argue?

00:16:49.279 --> 00:16:52.799
And you don't even argue in a healthy way, and you're still together.

00:16:52.879 --> 00:16:57.519
And you guys have broken up and gotten back together multiple times, and you're still together.

00:16:57.679 --> 00:17:02.080
And I had a healthy relationship with my fiance, and she left me at the altar.

00:17:02.159 --> 00:17:03.200
How does that work?

00:17:03.440 --> 00:17:07.680
And the guy goes, It's funny because the actor is the same actor that plays Jesus.

00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:12.640
So it's like every time he talks, he plays Jesus from the chosen.

00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:16.799
So every time he spoke, it was like, it kind of feels like Jesus is speaking right now.

00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:19.680
But he said, you know, you're right.

00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:25.920
There are some habits and there are some dynamics that we can work on and make better.

00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:28.960
But what keeps us together is our foundation.

00:17:29.359 --> 00:17:36.160
The foundation knowing that I love this person and I respect this person and I accept this person.

00:17:36.720 --> 00:17:43.440
And even though we'll have our arguments, we'll have our disagreements, they'll do things that I don't like, and I'll do things that they don't like.

00:17:43.599 --> 00:17:51.519
But what keeps it solid, what keeps us really even like secure in our relationship is the foundation.

00:17:51.680 --> 00:17:53.839
That at the end of the day, you know what?

00:17:53.920 --> 00:17:58.079
I'm gonna go out with my friends, but I'm not gonna be gone for three hours.

00:17:58.240 --> 00:17:59.039
I got to get home.

00:17:59.200 --> 00:18:03.920
He's he's expecting me to come home and I respect that because I got kids that need me.

00:18:04.079 --> 00:18:12.480
I I want to go buy, I want to go shopping and I want to go buy coffee, but I don't want to rack up a$200 bill on a random Saturday.

00:18:12.640 --> 00:18:14.000
That's not fair to him.

00:18:14.240 --> 00:18:19.119
So that because I know the foundation, I know your expectations, and I respect that.

00:18:19.359 --> 00:18:26.400
And I'm I'm tethered to you and me and our expectations more than anybody else's.

00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:27.920
Is that am I saying that right?

00:18:28.079 --> 00:18:28.559
Yeah.

00:18:28.880 --> 00:18:41.359
So I think that that is where I think that that's what allows us to go through those ebbs and flows where one year I really love hanging out with my friends.

00:18:41.599 --> 00:18:46.160
The next year, it's probably gonna be working out, where my next hobby is working out.

00:18:46.319 --> 00:18:50.640
And then in a couple of years, you might want to get a boat or a car, and that's gonna be our next hobby.

00:18:50.720 --> 00:18:51.680
It's gonna change.

00:18:51.920 --> 00:18:59.279
But what allows us to use that freedom and to pursue those things is making sure that our foundation is in check.

00:18:59.440 --> 00:19:02.000
And it's not a foundation that you could just create and leave.

00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:04.000
You're constantly pouring into that foundation.

00:19:04.319 --> 00:19:08.319
And when you say foundation, that's the same thing as like the basics, right?

00:19:08.480 --> 00:19:08.720
Yes.

00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:16.559
Returning back to that basics of when you were first married, prioritizing each other, giving each other grace, yeah, putting each other first.

00:19:16.720 --> 00:19:18.640
Like what are your needs and wants?

00:19:18.880 --> 00:19:19.119
Yeah.

00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:21.839
Even though I don't like sitting in a coffee shop, let's go do that.

00:19:22.000 --> 00:19:24.079
That's what you're talking about as far as foundation.

00:19:24.319 --> 00:19:24.559
Yeah.

00:19:24.960 --> 00:19:30.079
Making sure that your tank is filled, that you you feel that I'm putting you first.

00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:42.799
That my dad told me a while ago, we were talking about um, I think it was my sisters and I, we were sitting down with my dad, and Gabby was about to get married, and it was late at night.

00:19:42.880 --> 00:19:43.759
I don't really remember.

00:19:43.839 --> 00:19:46.720
I think you were actually out of town, so I was able to stay at their house.

00:19:46.799 --> 00:19:48.720
So we were talking to my dad late.

00:19:49.039 --> 00:19:55.839
And I we all asked dad, what's one thing that mom does that makes you feel good?

00:19:56.160 --> 00:20:00.640
And he goes, you know, guys, she does a lot of things.

00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:02.240
I love how she's joyous.

00:20:02.319 --> 00:20:03.920
I love how she's fun.

00:20:04.160 --> 00:20:10.319
But the one thing that makes me feel like a million bucks is when she chooses me over everybody else.

00:20:10.559 --> 00:20:19.440
When she maybe gets invited somewhere, when she has to go do something and she actually turns it down because she says, I'd rather just be with you.

00:20:20.240 --> 00:20:31.359
He said that made me feel like a king on top of the world, that I have a wife that genuinely enjoys her time with me because that's a reflection of him.

00:20:31.920 --> 00:20:50.640
That means that he's enjoyable, that he treats her right, that she would rather be with him because he's fun and they watch their shows and they have their snack, midnight snacks, and they they know the the, you know, it's a friendship, it's a relationship that's healthy and enjoyable.

00:20:50.880 --> 00:20:53.039
And he said that that was one of his favorite things.

00:20:53.119 --> 00:21:01.759
And when he told me that, I was like, whoa, okay, I'm gonna assume all husbands are the same here, and I'm gonna do that to Chris.

00:21:01.839 --> 00:21:05.599
And when I did, that changed the game.

00:21:05.920 --> 00:21:11.599
In fact, you were became more lenient and allowed me to do more things.

00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:20.079
You you were okay with me going out and spending a little bit because you knew Stephanie's gonna choose me at the end of the day.

00:21:20.480 --> 00:21:33.200
You know, that's the the weird dynamic that uh a lot of times we don't understand is that if your tank is filled, then that's gonna you're gonna get more of what you want.

00:21:33.359 --> 00:21:35.039
Yeah, because I'm gonna want to give it to you more.

00:21:35.279 --> 00:21:35.519
Yeah.

00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:37.759
And and the opposite is true.

00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:38.160
Yeah.

00:21:38.400 --> 00:21:43.599
If I feel like my tank is like empty, yeah, I'm not getting the things that that make me feel good, yeah.

00:21:44.079 --> 00:21:46.799
Then I'm gonna be less willing to give you what you want.

00:21:47.039 --> 00:21:47.440
Yes.

00:21:47.680 --> 00:21:53.680
So if you just make sure that your spouse is filled, you know, then everybody wins.

00:21:53.839 --> 00:21:55.599
It's probably a good question to ask your spouse.

00:21:55.759 --> 00:21:57.039
What makes you feel valued?

00:21:57.359 --> 00:21:59.759
Yes, you know, it will really change because it could.

00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:02.079
Be something so small that we don't even know.

00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:07.680
Because a lot of times another mistake we make is we think I should know that about you.

00:22:07.839 --> 00:22:08.079
Yeah.

00:22:08.240 --> 00:22:09.759
You know, or I think you should know that about me.

00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:10.559
About me.

00:22:10.720 --> 00:22:11.039
You know?

00:22:11.359 --> 00:22:12.960
We uh we assume that of each other.

00:22:13.200 --> 00:22:14.319
And that's not really fair.

00:22:14.480 --> 00:22:17.279
How are you supposed to know what makes me feel valued?

00:22:17.440 --> 00:22:17.759
Yes.

00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:21.920
You know, okay, maybe if we're married for 30 years, okay, you should have picked up on that already.

00:22:22.000 --> 00:22:22.400
Yeah.

00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:25.279
But five years in, how are you supposed to know that?

00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:25.599
Yeah.

00:22:25.759 --> 00:22:28.000
You know, maybe I don't even know that what makes me feel valued.

00:22:28.079 --> 00:22:28.319
Yeah.

00:22:28.480 --> 00:22:37.680
So just asking the question will spur that conversation to discover, yeah, man, what what makes me feel like like a million bucks?

00:22:37.759 --> 00:22:38.400
I don't know.

00:22:39.680 --> 00:22:40.000
Yeah.

00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:41.039
So that's good.

00:22:41.279 --> 00:22:48.960
No, and sometimes, you know, let let's also take this to a deeper level because it was really hitting ahead.

00:22:49.119 --> 00:22:54.240
It's easy for us to say, okay, I'm just not gonna go out today, or I'm not gonna do my hobby today because you need me.

00:22:54.400 --> 00:23:00.960
What's really hard is when it's in when it is a ministry-based responsibility.

00:23:01.279 --> 00:23:10.400
And sometimes I would feel like, okay, I have to choose either a ministry thing or my husband.

00:23:10.640 --> 00:23:12.480
Thankfully, you've never put me in that position.

00:23:12.640 --> 00:23:14.480
You've under been very understanding.

00:23:14.799 --> 00:23:17.599
But I am extreme when it comes to ministry.

00:23:17.759 --> 00:23:18.720
I'm extreme.

00:23:18.880 --> 00:23:21.759
I I do not know a healthy balance.

00:23:21.839 --> 00:23:25.359
I could stay at the church all day, every day.

00:23:25.519 --> 00:23:26.319
Like I'm good.

00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:27.680
I really enjoy this.

00:23:27.839 --> 00:23:31.200
I I can do ministry stuff at 9 p.m.

00:23:31.359 --> 00:23:33.440
on a Wednesday and then be back at the church.

00:23:33.599 --> 00:23:38.000
I I really, really love pouring myself out in that way.

00:23:38.480 --> 00:23:48.640
And you did have to tell me, okay, but is it right when you're doing that at the sake of your kids and your husband?

00:23:48.960 --> 00:23:55.440
And I had to sit back and be like, that is not how a godly wife operates.

00:23:55.759 --> 00:23:57.599
My husband needs me.

00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:03.359
And my husband needs me to value him more than anything.

00:24:03.519 --> 00:24:12.799
And I did have to even get that into alignment where I and my mom would push me a lot go home and take care of your husband.

00:24:12.960 --> 00:24:14.000
You don't have to be here.

00:24:14.160 --> 00:24:17.359
You don't have to be at this rehearsal, you don't have to be at this whatever.

00:24:17.680 --> 00:24:31.200
And if I fulfilled my ministerial obligations and I know my calling and I stick to my lane, then I've got to be able to know when to say, okay, good night, everybody, and to go home and be with you.

00:24:31.519 --> 00:24:56.559
Because even if you and I got into, even if we were about to have an amazing event at the church where I did my best work, I did my best preparation, and we got into an argument before church or before that event, I would be off my game the entire night because something in me would just feel unradled, like my husband isn't, he doesn't feel valued.

00:24:56.640 --> 00:24:57.759
Something is off.

00:24:58.079 --> 00:25:01.279
And if he's not feeling good, then I can't feel good.

00:25:01.599 --> 00:25:19.440
Well, here's kind of what I've learned of I haven't been in like full-time ministry for you know as long as you or whatever, but I have learned that there are times where there are demands on us, ministry demands, that we just kind of have to put our head down and do it and do it.

00:25:19.680 --> 00:25:26.480
And it may be a super busy week or two weeks of evening events or doing ministry stuff.

00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:26.799
Yeah.

00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:29.839
But that that's just the name of the game.

00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:30.960
That's just part of it.

00:25:31.200 --> 00:25:31.359
Yeah.

00:25:31.839 --> 00:25:38.000
So when we're not in that, it's important to realize is this optional?

00:25:38.319 --> 00:25:40.319
Is this necessary that I'm here?

00:25:40.559 --> 00:25:46.160
Because if it's not, I should be at home recharging for when it is necessary.

00:25:46.319 --> 00:25:46.559
Yes.

00:25:46.799 --> 00:25:53.119
You know, because then the necessary times come and we're drained or we're not on in alignment.

00:25:53.279 --> 00:25:59.200
Yes, because in the times of maybe easiness, we didn't really manage it well.

00:25:59.440 --> 00:25:59.680
Yes.

00:25:59.839 --> 00:26:01.200
So and then that can really build.

00:26:01.359 --> 00:26:10.319
And then we look at those times of necessary, uh, times of being in ministry, like 100% where we're busy, then we can start to like point the finger at that.

00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:11.359
And it's like, no, it's not.

00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:12.720
That's we shouldn't do that.

00:26:12.880 --> 00:26:13.119
Yes.

00:26:13.359 --> 00:26:16.480
You know, what we should we should have managed it when it was light.

00:26:16.720 --> 00:26:17.119
Yes.

00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:25.839
You're that's the perfect way to say it because the one thing I did not want us to do was blame church and ministry for our setbacks.

00:26:26.079 --> 00:26:27.440
I did not want to do that.

00:26:27.599 --> 00:26:32.960
No, because people have full-time jobs that take away more of their time than church does.

00:26:33.279 --> 00:26:35.039
Well, accountants right now.

00:26:35.200 --> 00:26:35.759
Oh my gosh.

00:26:36.079 --> 00:26:37.119
They are super busy.

00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:42.559
They are not going on vacation, they're working, you know, on their days off because it's tax season.

00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:42.880
Yeah.

00:26:43.440 --> 00:26:44.480
Every industry has it.

00:26:44.559 --> 00:26:44.799
Yeah.

00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:49.920
You can't just look at ministry and be like, oh, ministry is the one thing that's going to take all your time.

00:26:50.079 --> 00:26:52.480
It's like, no, every everybody has something.

00:26:52.720 --> 00:26:53.359
Everybody has it.

00:26:53.599 --> 00:26:55.519
And they have to learn how to manage that too.

00:26:55.759 --> 00:27:02.799
And they have to learn how to say, no, I gotta, this is a season where if it's a low season, I'm prioritizing my family because the high season's coming.

00:27:02.960 --> 00:27:06.480
But I just knew I'm I'm like, I don't ever want our hearts to get to that place.

00:27:06.640 --> 00:27:11.039
So that means it's my responsibility to make us feel like we are recharged.

00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:21.839
And in my intensity, with my intense brain, I always think, well, if the church needs me, I will always say yes because those are treasures in heaven that I am putting away.

00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:24.000
Which, yes, that is true.

00:27:24.160 --> 00:27:26.000
That is 100% true.

00:27:26.319 --> 00:27:34.400
However, what will my ministry look like if my family is not a part of it?

00:27:34.640 --> 00:27:36.480
If my family's not healthy?

00:27:36.720 --> 00:27:45.599
If I have seen incredible preachers, incredible songwriters, incredible church builders lose all of their credibility because of a divorce.

00:27:46.000 --> 00:27:50.240
Well, what validates us to do what we do is our family.

00:27:50.640 --> 00:27:51.359
Family being healthy.

00:27:51.759 --> 00:27:53.920
You and I are marriage first and our kids are healthy.

00:27:54.079 --> 00:27:54.400
Yes.

00:27:54.640 --> 00:28:08.640
If that's not done well, then we have we have no validity to speak into anybody's life, to go visit them, to pray over them, to tell them uh points about, you know, the Bible or Pamela.

00:28:10.240 --> 00:28:11.599
If we don't have it together.

00:28:11.759 --> 00:28:14.480
And that's the church isn't what's going to get in the way of that.

00:28:14.720 --> 00:28:17.759
It's us and how we manage it that'll get in the way of that.

00:28:18.079 --> 00:28:26.480
We have the responsibility to say, to let my yes be yes and my no be no, because my number one priority is my family.

00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:29.519
It's my relationship with Jesus, and then it's my family.

00:28:29.839 --> 00:28:43.039
And I had to have that moment, that conversation with the Lord that said, God, I can't do all that I did before because my yes needs to become more intentional and my yes needs to be more specific.

00:28:43.359 --> 00:28:47.839
And my yes needs to have a greater quality to it.

00:28:48.079 --> 00:28:54.720
And Lord, I I know you will honor that because I am saying no for the sake of my family.

00:28:54.880 --> 00:28:56.960
I'm not saying no because I'm tired.

00:28:57.200 --> 00:29:00.240
I'm not saying no because the church is exhausting.

00:29:00.400 --> 00:29:04.160
I'm not saying no because I'm insecure about my marriage.

00:29:04.400 --> 00:29:08.559
I'm saying no because I have my priorities in order.

00:29:08.799 --> 00:29:11.599
And my yes needs to be more specific.

00:29:11.839 --> 00:29:19.839
I have to say yes to Gianna when she needs me home to bathe her and to get her in her PJs and to put her to bed.

00:29:20.000 --> 00:29:21.920
I need to say yes to that.

00:29:22.319 --> 00:29:24.400
And ebbs and flows.

00:29:24.720 --> 00:29:28.720
In 18, 15 years, it won't be like that anymore.

00:29:28.960 --> 00:29:32.400
Gia and I, and Matthew and I will connect in different ways.

00:29:32.559 --> 00:29:34.400
If anything, we'll be doing all ministry together.

00:29:34.480 --> 00:29:36.640
So we'll be here connecting and doing it.

00:29:36.880 --> 00:29:39.359
But for this season, my kids need me.

00:29:39.519 --> 00:29:40.799
My babies need me.

00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:49.279
And God needs me to say yes to my kids before I say yes to a ton of other commitments.

00:29:49.519 --> 00:29:54.640
And I I have to place some serious boundaries for the sake of my family.

00:29:54.720 --> 00:29:56.319
And I know that the Lord will honor that.

00:29:56.480 --> 00:29:56.799
Yeah.

00:29:57.039 --> 00:30:00.559
Yeah, it's it's said that like your family's your first ministry, right?

00:30:00.640 --> 00:30:00.880
Yeah.

00:30:01.039 --> 00:30:01.599
That's very true.

00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:02.319
Yes, it is.

00:30:02.480 --> 00:30:13.759
Now, what we see a lot often, and this might not be so good, but we see a lot of times where new parents they'll have a baby and they stop serving because they got a newborn at home.

00:30:13.839 --> 00:30:14.240
That's fine.

00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:15.519
I love that you brought that up.

00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:17.039
They never get back on the horse.

00:30:17.119 --> 00:30:18.160
They never come back to serve.

00:30:18.240 --> 00:30:20.960
And it's like, hey guys, you're your your baby's a year old.

00:30:21.039 --> 00:30:21.519
Like I know.

00:30:21.759 --> 00:30:23.839
They can be in the in the kids ministry for a little bit.

00:30:24.000 --> 00:30:24.400
I know.

00:30:24.640 --> 00:30:28.640
Like, get back to to serving how you did before.

00:30:28.799 --> 00:30:29.039
You know?

00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:31.200
So what's the what's the deal with that?

00:30:31.519 --> 00:30:32.559
I don't know.

00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:37.680
Well, I will say fear is a huge thing with wives, with moms.

00:30:37.759 --> 00:30:42.960
I don't know what a man's biggest hurdle is when they start having kids, but for moms it's fear.

00:30:43.119 --> 00:30:52.319
And it manifests in many different ways: fear of health, fear of safety, fear of um not being able to manage it all.

00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:55.920
Even sometimes fear of other people speaking into your children.

00:30:56.000 --> 00:30:57.599
So you want to protect them.

00:30:57.920 --> 00:31:02.079
And it will hinder you in a way you could not imagine.

00:31:02.319 --> 00:31:10.400
And it's we always talk to the pregnant women and we tell them all the time when the second this baby comes, you're changing completely.

00:31:10.880 --> 00:31:16.880
Who you are without a baby and pregnant is not who you will be when the baby comes.

00:31:17.039 --> 00:31:22.319
Your brain, biologically, it will change and your personality will change.

00:31:22.559 --> 00:31:26.640
And the things that you did not fear before, you will now suddenly fear.

00:31:27.039 --> 00:31:33.279
But to be a fear-driven mom will not produce the fruit that you want it to produce.

00:31:33.759 --> 00:31:40.000
And your motive behind your choices with your children is everything.

00:31:40.400 --> 00:31:46.720
Because if it's driven by fear, then you will raise anxious kids and nervous kids.

00:31:47.039 --> 00:32:07.680
But if it is driven by the right priorities, it's driven by, I want to love, I do it out of love for my children, I do it out of a godliness for my children, I do it out of a boldness for my children, then that will create children that are bold and secure and confident.

00:32:08.240 --> 00:32:19.839
And I do think mothers will allow fear to prevent them from opening up their world again because they say will start to say no to a lot of things.

00:32:20.000 --> 00:32:32.559
They don't only say no to church, they say no to friendships, they say no to their husbands, they say no to interactions, they shut the world down for their child to protect, to protect, to protect.

00:32:33.279 --> 00:32:35.680
And it is not done with the right motive.

00:32:35.920 --> 00:32:37.759
It's all done with fear.

00:32:38.079 --> 00:32:48.079
And that, if you ever worry that your children will become anxious, well, if their mother is anxious, then what do you think is gonna happen?

00:32:48.319 --> 00:32:49.680
Your child doesn't feel secure.

00:32:49.839 --> 00:32:54.559
Your child's nervous, they're going, someone's gonna hurt them wherever they go.

00:32:54.960 --> 00:33:02.880
And you do, as a mother, have to push yourself to reopen your world again, to reopen your heart again.

00:33:02.960 --> 00:33:04.000
For some moms, it's easy.

00:33:04.079 --> 00:33:06.480
They're like, let's go, I don't really care about that.

00:33:06.640 --> 00:33:08.640
But the fear will pop up in other areas.

00:33:08.799 --> 00:33:10.559
We're all susceptible to it.

00:33:10.799 --> 00:33:25.759
But to the mothers that that have a lot of fear for their children, you do have to push yourself and you do have to come to this place of, okay, we're gonna put the kids in the children's ministry because it is time.

00:33:25.920 --> 00:33:28.319
They are six months, they're five months old.

00:33:28.640 --> 00:33:33.680
The church has put proper boundaries in place to keep my children safe.

00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:36.400
I need to start resuming normal life again.

00:33:36.559 --> 00:33:39.759
I have to start serving and I'm gonna bring my child along with me.

00:33:39.920 --> 00:33:45.759
And if my child is frustrated and if they cry, then my child has to acclimate to my life.

00:33:45.920 --> 00:33:48.400
They have to acclimate to my schedule.

00:33:48.559 --> 00:33:56.559
Because nobody talks about that in five years, you're gonna be kind of sick of constantly having your world revolve around your children.

00:33:56.720 --> 00:34:00.880
And there will be a day where you say, I need my normal life back.

00:34:01.119 --> 00:34:04.160
I need my normal schedule back, I need my normal personality back.

00:34:04.400 --> 00:34:16.400
And how fun is it if that normal means your kid is along with you because they're so used to you know, coming and sitting in church with you or coming and Gianni was at rehearsal last night with you.

00:34:16.559 --> 00:34:16.800
Yeah.

00:34:17.039 --> 00:34:17.280
You know?

00:34:17.440 --> 00:34:17.920
She loves it.

00:34:18.159 --> 00:34:20.159
She's too little for rehearsal, but she loves to be there.

00:34:20.239 --> 00:34:21.519
So but that's your normal.

00:34:21.679 --> 00:34:24.159
That's your Tuesday nights, you're in rehearsal.

00:34:24.320 --> 00:34:26.559
So she's acclimating to you.

00:34:26.719 --> 00:34:27.039
Yeah.

00:34:27.280 --> 00:34:29.519
And that's kids are adaptable.

00:34:29.599 --> 00:34:29.920
Yeah.

00:34:30.000 --> 00:34:33.519
Like they they can get like they can figure it out.

00:34:33.679 --> 00:34:33.840
Yeah.

00:34:34.000 --> 00:34:37.679
It kind of this is kind of segueing us into another topic of.

00:34:37.920 --> 00:34:39.519
Can I add to that one one more thing?

00:34:40.159 --> 00:34:45.679
You know, I think that this is not a feminist thing, this is a biblical statement.

00:34:46.159 --> 00:34:49.840
But the Proverbs 31 woman had a purpose.

00:34:50.159 --> 00:34:58.480
She knew her purpose was her family, she knew her purpose was her marriage, but she individually knew she had a purpose to contribute to the world.

00:34:58.719 --> 00:35:06.400
And it is very easy for us mothers to get into our motherhood cave where everything we do is for our kids.

00:35:06.559 --> 00:35:09.679
Everything we do is for our husband, everything we do is for our home.

00:35:09.920 --> 00:35:12.559
And there's aspects to that that's good because that's true.

00:35:12.719 --> 00:35:16.960
Yeah, we do have to our motherhood, mothers are the core of the home.

00:35:17.039 --> 00:35:18.000
We really are.

00:35:18.320 --> 00:35:25.280
And we do need to choose motherhood over everything else at certain aspects of our life.

00:35:25.519 --> 00:35:30.719
But the Bible in the Proverbs 31 woman, she buys a field with her own money.

00:35:30.960 --> 00:35:35.119
She goes into the marketplace and she sells her items.

00:35:35.280 --> 00:35:44.079
She recognizes she has an individual purpose outside of motherhood that she needs to contribute to the kingdom of God, that she needs to contribute to society.

00:35:44.320 --> 00:35:46.400
And yeah, you can have it all.

00:35:46.639 --> 00:35:48.719
You can be a mother of a lot of kids.

00:35:48.960 --> 00:35:52.320
You can have a happy husband, and you can run a business.

00:35:52.480 --> 00:36:01.119
You can serve in the church, you can work at the church, you can work out and have a good meal on the table at the end of the night.

00:36:01.280 --> 00:36:07.199
So I think that that's the danger of sinking into this motherhood, fearful cave.

00:36:07.360 --> 00:36:08.719
You forget your purpose.

00:36:08.880 --> 00:36:11.840
You forget that you are allowed to have a purpose.

00:36:12.000 --> 00:36:14.559
Our husbands have one and we have one.

00:36:14.719 --> 00:36:19.679
And it is our responsibility to contribute back into the kingdom of God.

00:36:19.840 --> 00:36:21.519
And that's not a feminist thing.

00:36:21.679 --> 00:36:24.239
The feminists have probably taken it and ruined it.

00:36:24.480 --> 00:36:32.960
But it's a biblical matter, it's a biblical principle that we all have purposes to contribute back to the church and back to the kingdom.

00:36:33.280 --> 00:36:43.039
I think it's interesting that all like really high capacity individuals, whoever you can fill in the blank for that one, they all have like five kids.

00:36:43.280 --> 00:36:43.840
It's crazy.

00:36:43.920 --> 00:36:48.719
Yes, they all are like in shape, they they make time to work out, yes, super healthy.

00:36:48.960 --> 00:36:51.760
They are have wealth that they've generated.

00:36:52.159 --> 00:36:53.920
Um, they all serve at their church.

00:36:54.079 --> 00:36:57.760
Yes, like they are they have a high capacity.

00:36:58.079 --> 00:36:58.400
Yes.

00:36:58.639 --> 00:37:10.480
Like they have learned to expand their capacity, yeah, and just add more to their life, yeah, without having to retract and be like soul, like only interested in one thing.

00:37:10.719 --> 00:37:11.280
It's so true.

00:37:11.440 --> 00:37:18.000
Like they got everything, they're juggling all these balls up in the air, yeah, and somehow they have the grace to do it.

00:37:18.159 --> 00:37:18.480
Yeah.

00:37:18.880 --> 00:37:20.000
Which means there's no excuse.

00:37:20.239 --> 00:37:20.880
There's no excuse.

00:37:21.039 --> 00:37:30.639
You know, so kind of the maybe the last topic that we talk about is are our kids or can your children hurt your marriage?

00:37:31.119 --> 00:37:31.920
Have we seen that?

00:37:32.079 --> 00:37:49.199
Have we uh like walked that line of oh man, this is we've allowed our our kids, or we we've used our kids as an excuse to not focus on each other, or is it all good things and they're just help?

00:37:49.679 --> 00:37:50.239
What do you think?

00:37:50.559 --> 00:37:51.920
Because I want to think about my answer.

00:37:52.559 --> 00:38:17.039
I think that children are our kids are so fun and bring so much joy and fullness to our life that we can tend to forget about each other and use them as an excuse to not an intentional excuse, it just kind of happens naturally, but to really go back to the basics or the foundation like what you were saying earlier.

00:38:17.199 --> 00:38:17.360
Yes.

00:38:17.760 --> 00:38:23.280
Because our attention or our time is all on our kids, and they really fill us, they give us so much joy.

00:38:23.920 --> 00:38:29.920
Um, and I think a lot it's not just us, I know a lot of uh couples do this.

00:38:30.239 --> 00:38:42.719
Um so how do we balance that to where our kids are at the center of our lives, but not to the degree where it's gonna begin to hinder you and my relationship, our relationship.

00:38:42.960 --> 00:38:43.360
Yeah.

00:38:44.480 --> 00:38:44.800
Yeah.

00:38:45.360 --> 00:38:51.280
And then also everything comes down to your perspective in life.

00:38:51.840 --> 00:38:53.440
I think everything.

00:38:53.840 --> 00:38:59.440
And your choices and your priorities stem from your perspective.

00:39:00.320 --> 00:39:06.559
And it comes down to for mothers and wives, it comes down to these two statements.

00:39:06.719 --> 00:39:08.400
I cannot and I can.

00:39:09.760 --> 00:39:32.480
For me, I have caught myself at a fork in the road where the kids are overwhelming, marriage is overwhelming, and I can either say, I cannot do this, or I could say, I can do this, I can get my kids in order, and I could say, somebody take my kids for one night.

00:39:32.719 --> 00:39:34.719
I'm gonna go to the movies with my husband.

00:39:35.039 --> 00:39:41.280
Because let me first, if we're talking about basics, let me first make sure him and I are good.

00:39:41.519 --> 00:39:55.360
So we're gonna go watch a movie, we're gonna go out to eat, we're gonna go have fun, and I'm gonna prioritize you because I have to love you more than I love my kids, because they're gonna feel the outpouring of our love first.

00:39:56.400 --> 00:39:57.760
So that's my first thing.

00:39:57.920 --> 00:40:02.320
If I'm overwhelmed and I tell myself I could do this, I go and I prioritize you.

00:40:02.480 --> 00:40:06.000
Once we are good, then I manage my children.

00:40:06.239 --> 00:40:22.400
And somebody told me that I hope this answers your question, but if you if you do feel like you can't manage the relationships or if you can't manage the kids or the husbands, then it is all about adding and subtracting to your life.

00:40:22.719 --> 00:40:24.880
Are there some things we can subtract?

00:40:25.119 --> 00:40:27.199
Am I overcommitting to things?

00:40:27.519 --> 00:40:37.920
Do I have to go work out six days a week, or can I just minimize it to four days and I go for 30 minutes instead of a full hour?

00:40:38.079 --> 00:40:39.760
So subtract that.

00:40:40.320 --> 00:40:44.320
Can I add on somebody to help me make meals?

00:40:44.559 --> 00:40:47.679
Let me ask my parents to help us make a meal once a week.

00:40:47.840 --> 00:40:49.760
You, your mom, make me a meal.

00:40:49.920 --> 00:40:53.119
Um, can we add on prayer time every single morning?

00:40:53.280 --> 00:40:59.760
Where every day I get up and I read my Bible because that has to be what fills me and what aligns me.

00:41:00.239 --> 00:41:05.039
But it all comes down to me saying, I can do this.

00:41:05.199 --> 00:41:17.760
I can manage my marriage, I can manage my children by adding and subtracting things to my life, but I have to have a perspective of victory, not of defeat.

00:41:18.000 --> 00:41:23.440
I have to have a perspective of I can manage this, not this is managing me.

00:41:23.760 --> 00:41:37.199
I need to rise up as a woman of God and step into my role as a wife and say, I can do this and not let it conquer me, but I conquer it.

00:41:37.599 --> 00:41:50.719
And I think that if you choose to overly prioritize the children and it starts to harm your marriage, it might just question what the motive is then.

00:41:50.960 --> 00:41:52.320
Are you doing it out of fear?

00:41:52.400 --> 00:41:53.519
Are you doing it out of worry?

00:41:53.920 --> 00:41:55.119
Out of guilt sometimes.

00:41:55.360 --> 00:41:59.920
And sometimes, you know, it is easier to manage the kids than it is to manage our husbands.

00:42:00.079 --> 00:42:00.559
Oh, yeah.

00:42:00.800 --> 00:42:07.199
So it it's easier just to slip into the motherhood cave and to let our husbands do whatever.

00:42:07.519 --> 00:42:09.440
But that's not conquering the marriage.

00:42:09.599 --> 00:42:13.440
That's not rising up and getting a hold of what things need what needs to happen.

00:42:13.679 --> 00:42:16.079
And I remember, let me interrupt you real quick.

00:42:16.159 --> 00:42:20.159
I remember maybe Gianna was like one and a half or two years old.

00:42:20.239 --> 00:42:21.440
And Gianna's all mine.

00:42:21.519 --> 00:42:24.320
Like she is like your girl.

00:42:24.559 --> 00:42:25.039
My girl.

00:42:25.199 --> 00:42:26.639
And I'm her favorite.

00:42:26.719 --> 00:42:27.039
Okay.

00:42:28.400 --> 00:42:30.400
But uh you have Matthew.

00:42:30.480 --> 00:42:30.960
You get Matthew.

00:42:31.679 --> 00:42:34.639
Lately, though, we've me and G are like, yeah, we're chilling.

00:42:34.880 --> 00:42:38.400
But I remember you and I were kind of like in a rift, right?

00:42:38.960 --> 00:42:39.360
Yes.

00:42:39.840 --> 00:42:47.679
And this kind of came up a little bit, and I told you straight out, I was like, Steph, Gianna praises me for everything I do.

00:42:47.840 --> 00:42:48.239
I know.

00:42:48.480 --> 00:42:50.880
She loves on me all the time.

00:42:51.119 --> 00:42:53.920
Like she thinks I'm a superhero.

00:42:54.079 --> 00:42:56.079
Like she thinks I am the best.

00:42:56.320 --> 00:42:57.119
I remember this.

00:42:57.280 --> 00:43:00.559
She so I'm gonna be drawn to that.

00:43:00.800 --> 00:43:02.719
Like she's my little girl.

00:43:03.039 --> 00:43:03.280
Yes.

00:43:03.440 --> 00:43:05.039
I'm gonna want to give her everything, you know?

00:43:05.199 --> 00:43:05.599
Yes.

00:43:05.840 --> 00:43:09.679
And because I was thinking, you treat Gia better than you treat me.

00:43:09.840 --> 00:43:10.079
Yeah, yeah.

00:43:10.159 --> 00:43:11.039
That's what it all came out of.

00:43:11.119 --> 00:43:11.199
Yeah.

00:43:11.360 --> 00:43:16.079
And I was like, well, yeah, right now right now, currently, because we weren't in a great right now, yeah.

00:43:16.239 --> 00:43:17.920
Because look how look how she treats me.

00:43:18.079 --> 00:43:18.639
I remember that.

00:43:18.800 --> 00:43:20.639
You know, and it was totally wrong.

00:43:20.719 --> 00:43:22.880
Like, that's not like the way it should be.

00:43:23.440 --> 00:43:25.440
Yeah, because Matthew treats me better than you treat me.

00:43:25.519 --> 00:43:28.239
He serves me coffee in the morning, he cuddles with me all morning.

00:43:28.480 --> 00:43:35.599
But the point is that it could be easy, it could be easy to put our attention on our kids because they are easier to manage than our spouse.

00:43:35.840 --> 00:43:36.079
Yes.

00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:42.239
Because you are a lot more complicated than a two-year-old, you know, who's gonna just do everything I tell her to do.

00:43:42.320 --> 00:43:42.639
Yeah.

00:43:42.800 --> 00:43:44.559
You're not gonna do anything I tell you to do.

00:43:46.880 --> 00:43:47.440
Yes.

00:43:48.159 --> 00:43:50.880
The point is, like, it's gotta be you and me.

00:43:51.119 --> 00:43:56.639
And we have to figure out how to how to manage each other and how to not manage each other, how to No, and manage the marriage.

00:43:56.800 --> 00:43:57.679
Yeah, manage the marriage.

00:43:57.760 --> 00:43:57.920
Yeah.

00:43:58.159 --> 00:43:59.440
And it's gonna be more complicated.

00:43:59.679 --> 00:43:59.760
Yeah.

00:44:00.239 --> 00:44:00.400
Right.

00:44:00.559 --> 00:44:02.159
And sometimes it is a management.

00:44:02.320 --> 00:44:06.159
Once a week we have to go, we at least have to have like you and me time.

00:44:06.320 --> 00:44:10.800
If it's not a date night, then at least we're just having a morning together or a walk together.

00:44:10.960 --> 00:44:13.519
Like sometimes even a drive together is nice.

00:44:13.599 --> 00:44:15.360
And we just get to listen to music and we're laughing.

00:44:17.679 --> 00:44:18.000
I know.

00:44:18.159 --> 00:44:19.039
She's Louise.

00:44:19.280 --> 00:44:20.800
But that you're absolutely right.

00:44:20.960 --> 00:44:29.599
Like we we just cut when we're overwhelmed, we run to the things that are just easier to manage instead of actually fixing the problems.

00:44:29.840 --> 00:44:33.039
And that easier to manage, quote unquote, you could fill in the blank.

00:44:33.119 --> 00:44:47.920
That could be maybe that's going to the gym for the guy because that's his just he puts his headphones on and he loves to manage his manage his fitness or for the girl that could be shopping or work all day or like whatever listener can fill in that blank.

00:44:48.079 --> 00:44:48.239
Yeah.

00:44:48.559 --> 00:44:53.840
But you can't let that run wild because your spouse should be the priority.

00:44:54.159 --> 00:44:58.239
And I think to answer your question directly, do kids hinder the marriage?

00:44:58.400 --> 00:45:00.000
It will if you allow it to.

00:45:00.320 --> 00:45:03.199
And it could strengthen the marriage if you allow it to.

00:45:03.519 --> 00:45:07.760
That's why I'm saying women don't be such victims to life.

00:45:08.000 --> 00:45:09.840
Like get a hold of it.

00:45:10.079 --> 00:45:10.719
Step up.

00:45:11.280 --> 00:45:12.800
Don't be a wounded bird.

00:45:13.039 --> 00:45:17.280
Declare over your home, I am the queen of this home.

00:45:17.519 --> 00:45:19.760
I'm stepping up and I'm gonna manage.

00:45:19.920 --> 00:45:27.519
And I'm calling my mom, I'm calling the babysitter, and we're gonna get help, we're gonna get get help with the kids because you and I need to go on a date.

00:45:27.840 --> 00:45:31.119
And it it your husband will respond to that.

00:45:31.199 --> 00:45:32.159
And you know what else?

00:45:32.320 --> 00:45:36.000
The kids will reflect your your dysfunction.

00:45:36.159 --> 00:45:36.559
They will.

00:45:36.719 --> 00:45:40.559
If you and I are in a weird place, Gia has the worst attitude.

00:45:40.880 --> 00:45:47.199
And then the second you and I are like on the same page, they are the sweetest children.

00:45:47.280 --> 00:45:49.599
They feel the safety, they feel the security.

00:45:49.840 --> 00:45:56.559
So yeah, like it, if you wanna you will bless the kids the most by loving each other first.

00:45:56.719 --> 00:45:57.360
Yeah, yeah.

00:45:57.599 --> 00:46:02.400
And it's all it all comes down to perspective, it all comes down to how you see yourself as a mom.

00:46:02.559 --> 00:46:07.840
Yeah, putting putting them first and you second is actually hurting them down the line.

00:46:08.559 --> 00:46:09.920
You know, it is.

00:46:10.559 --> 00:46:12.079
This was a wonderful conversation.

00:46:12.559 --> 00:46:14.000
I think this was one of our best.

00:46:14.079 --> 00:46:15.360
At least, let's see.

00:46:15.519 --> 00:46:17.440
Yeah, for us it'll be.

00:46:17.679 --> 00:46:20.639
If everybody else doesn't like it, then sorry.

00:46:21.039 --> 00:46:24.719
Well, thank you for tuning in to the Aless, the family business.

00:46:24.800 --> 00:46:26.079
Let me see it again.

00:46:26.320 --> 00:46:29.920
Well, thank you for tuning in to the family business with the Alessis.

00:46:30.079 --> 00:46:31.039
We hope that this blessed you.

00:46:31.119 --> 00:46:37.119
We hope this conversation encouraged you and gave you some wisdom for your family and for your marriage and for your day.

00:46:37.360 --> 00:46:40.960
Be blessed today and tune back in for more podcasts.

00:46:41.119 --> 00:46:46.000
Go explore on our YouTube page all of our old podcasts because they're really, really good.

00:46:46.320 --> 00:46:47.599
And check back in for more.

00:46:47.760 --> 00:46:48.239
We love you.

00:46:48.320 --> 00:46:49.280
Have a good one.

00:46:50.400 --> 00:46:53.199
Thanks so much for joining the Family Business today.

00:46:53.360 --> 00:46:59.599
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend, and leave us a review.

00:46:59.760 --> 00:47:06.480
We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time because family is everybody's business.