How to Welcome Your Future Son- or Daughter-in Law into the Family (and truly mean it)

Mary Alessi:
Yes, you melted down and you cried at the wedding when Gaby was getting married, but you tried to make it clear that you loved Christian, too. You weren't just crying because you were losing Gaby. And maybe in that moment, everybody was like, oh, poor Christian. But we've joked about that. We've laughed about that. And you've gone before that enough that Christian knows. And if he doesn't know, he has an open space to come to you and say, hey, and if he isn't intimidated to come to you, we've created environments where we're like, hey, is that a problem?

Steve Alessi:
Hello and welcome to another episode of The Family Business with the Alessis. Wow. I wanted to keep my voice up.

Mary Alessi:
I noticed that.

Steve Alessi:
You noticed that? I wanted to come out energetic. Not being myself caused me to mess me up.

Mary Alessi:
Look at you.

Steve Alessi:
Look at me. Hey, thanks for joining us with this episode. It's Steve and Mary. We're in the podcast booth. We're trying to talk about things that are relevant to family and business.

Mary Alessi:
Real life. That's right.

Steve Alessi:
We've said it early on that, listen, if you don't take care of your family, right? Mm-hmm. You're the family business helping you do that. Because if not, then your family will be everybody's business.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Steve Alessi:
Right. People just talking all about you. So what are we doing? Well, we're very fortunate in that we're evidently touching a nerve with people because we're coming up on 250 episodes. That's awesome. Of our podcast. That's pretty cool. Going back a few years now. So this is really a sweet spot.

Steve Alessi:
We enjoy this. We really do. Just being able to get in here and chat. And we're getting close to 1 million views on YouTube.

Mary Alessi:
Amazing.

Steve Alessi:
That's fun.

Mary Alessi:
That's exciting.

Steve Alessi:
So let's keep getting the word out there. And hopefully what we have to share even today is going to be an encouragement to you and to somebody that you know. So, Mary.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, hold on a second.

Steve Alessi:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
I think one way we're getting more views is because we just talked about things like makeup sex.

Steve Alessi:
What?

Mary Alessi:
We just talked about things like makeup sex.

Steve Alessi:
Yes, we did.

Mary Alessi:
We just talked about it. So go back and listen to those previous podcasts. We talk about just about everything in this podcast booth. So go back and listen to episodes maybe you've missed about family and marriage and relationships and difficulties and conflict and how we overcome and how do we approach change.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. AP, you're here. Do we get more views when we talk about family or when we start talking about politics and all the controversies out there?

Mary Alessi:
Family. Family.

Steve Alessi:
Isn't that crazy?

Mary Alessi:
There you go.

Steve Alessi:
Because family's everybody's business. Yeah, it really is.

Mary Alessi:
We have a good one today.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, we do.

Mary Alessi:
This one's really good.

Steve Alessi:
Well, I'm gonna let you go ahead and give, uh, kind of serve the ball for this one. Go.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, well, we're gonna discuss today if your— the choices of partner that your kids choose, which could potentially be your in-law kids, are they good investments? How to help your kid pick the right partner, what to do if you don't like the partner that your kid is with. Maybe they're dating and they're not— they look serious, but you're not feeling this person. And once they are married, how do you incorporate them into not only your life but into your heart? And how do you see them? Are they another child of yours? Are they yours? Or are they your son's wife or your daughter's husband? And we've had a lot of education on this recently. Recently, recently. I just made up a word recently because in the last 5 years since COVID all 4 of our kids have gotten married. The first 2 got married right after COVID in 2021, within 4 months of each other, gave us a little bit of a break with weddings, but had 3 kids in between, 3 grandkids. And another one on the way. Now the last two are getting married within 4 to 6 months of each other.

Mary Alessi:
So we've adopted in-law kids in a really real and special way.

Steve Alessi:
So let me start my comments off this way.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
I hated my kids going through the dating period.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, I agree. It was tough.

Steve Alessi:
Not only because of the emotional mess that sometimes the girls and our son would be in.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You know, that was one aspect. But that's cool because that training that goes through a broken heart or trying to help them communicate with somebody or dealing with the peer pressure. Thank you so very much.

Mary Alessi:
More coffee.

Steve Alessi:
That is one aspect of it, and that's a great life lesson. But the part of the dating scene that I hated for my kids was falling for one of their people.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
That starting a relationship, like, I can remember one of my daughters coming in the room and saying, you're not, you know, giving enough attention to so-and-so that I brought over. And it was like, why do you want me to give them attention?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because if I give them too much attention, I'm going to start liking them. And if I start liking them, and then all of a sudden you guys break up, I— my heart's broken.

Mary Alessi:
I know.

Steve Alessi:
And so what do I got to keep doing? Starting and stopping, starting and stopping.

Mary Alessi:
Which is why we hate dating.

Steve Alessi:
That's why one of the reasons why I hated it. Yeah. Was because I would fall for the person that they were I hated dating because my thought is marriage.

Mary Alessi:
I know. You can't help it.

Steve Alessi:
I'm thinking long term. That's how I, that's how I process, right? So if it's long term, everything I'm doing right now from sitting here at McDonald's having a burger with them or walking into the living room when they're there is like setting the groundwork for what the future is going to be. So I hated that part of dating with the kids.

Mary Alessi:
I know I did too. And I'm glad they didn't date too much. They dated just enough. But at the same time, we got a taste of what that's like. And I know there's a lot of parents out there that don't like the person that their kid might be with. They're dating someone that they don't like. And how do you handle that moment when your daughter is bringing someone home and you do not like them in the long run for your spouse, or your son brings— for your son or for your daughter, or if your son brings home someone, a girl, and you think to yourself, she is not a life partner.

Steve Alessi:
What should be the litmus test for somebody that's going to be appropriate for either a long-term dating relationship or marriage?

Mary Alessi:
Short answer, you know when they're not right. Like, you just know.

Steve Alessi:
Why?

Mary Alessi:
Because they don't necessarily bring the best out in your kid.

Steve Alessi:
That's it right there.

Mary Alessi:
Whereas the right person brings the best out in your kid.

Steve Alessi:
You and I made judgments, and as a man, that's how I did, especially for my 3 daughters. The girls that they are when they're with the guy is what makes me— shows me what kind of quality the guy is.

Mary Alessi:
Right. It's very true. Your kids will respond to good people. And they'll respond to not good people. So we are very sensitive. Our DNA is connected to our kids. So when they're attracting someone or they're bringing someone into our world, plus we've created a culture and a family environment where we've done our best to safeguard us as a family unit from someone who isn't like us. And I don't mean that in a weird cultish, you got to be like us or what.

Mary Alessi:
I don't mean it that way. I think it's just the spirit of our family. We're not insecure people. We are conscientious. We're considerate. We open our home, people come in. We're very mindful of how we've taught our kids. When you go to people's houses, this is how you behave, this is how you act.

Mary Alessi:
So if they bring someone, which thankfully not one of our kids ever did, but if they had brought someone home that did not operate in those same family values, just the little things, that would have been really difficult for you and I to have processed.

Steve Alessi:
Well, you said something there. If they bring them home, right? Hey, if your kid is already connected with somebody that doesn't want to be in your home, they never want to go to your house. They don't want to watch the ball, the game at your house, or they don't want to come sit home and watch a show on television or something. Now, right there, you're going to have this red flag like, wait a minute. That's not necessarily bringing out the best in my kid.

Mary Alessi:
No, it's not.

Steve Alessi:
They're pulling you away from—

Mary Alessi:
And it's so important as parents to teach your young adult son or daughter that you may feel like you have fallen in love with someone, but if the whole family doesn't feel excited about this for you and your family's fair, right? Your family's not toxic and not talking about that, but your family's fair, but they're just not feeling this person. Be mature enough and wise enough and responsible enough and love your family enough to listen to them and to go slow with that relationship.

Steve Alessi:
You're talking about the—

Mary Alessi:
Your son or daughter.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I think that it's all about how do we respond if we back up and we raise our kids with this mindset of we're not trying to control who you marry, but let's just put some expectations in place as a family, because you do marry the whole family, whether you like it or not. And we see this. Every single day in our profession. We see it. If his mother is— excuse me, I'm not trying to cast persuasions, but if his mother is a wacko and you can see that he can't deal with her, you won't be able to either. And you get to choose whether or not that's a healthy environment for your whole life. Your whole life. So if you're seeing things on the dating side as a parent, that you're concerned about, I think it's okay and it's important to lovingly sit your son or daughter down and give that input.

Mary Alessi:
Listen, I want you to think you're doing an adult situation here. This relationship is adulting. I want you to look at it. Look at all of it. Look at the landscape of all of this.

Steve Alessi:
Teenagers go into a job opportunity, McDonald's, whatever restaurant, car wash, whatever, and they are told in advance, this is what the job requirements are.

Mary Alessi:
There you go.

Steve Alessi:
If you can meet those requirements, then apply. The parent needs to be sitting down. Yeah. Way before the kid ever starts dating and laying out what requirements look like to be a part of the family.

Mary Alessi:
That's it.

Steve Alessi:
And so they know that they have to be respectful, they have to be kind, they have to be Christian, they have to be pursuing an education. These are requirements that, all right, if you want to be a part of work here, you've got to be able to meet these requirements.

Mary Alessi:
Marriage description.

Steve Alessi:
All right, there you go. That's it.

Mary Alessi:
That's it.

Steve Alessi:
Relationship description, marriage description, be thinking before the kid ever gets to the place where they want to bring somebody home. So the kid knows, your daughter, son-in-law, son knows this is what the requirements are for you to even start liking somebody. And what's good about that is you give them a goal. You set them up for success relationally. So they're able to look at somebody and maybe it's— they're a star on the basketball team or they're a good-looking person. Just because they're a cheerleader or something doesn't mean that that should be what pulls you in. You may find them attractive, But to like them, to want to have a relationship with them, there should be these requirements that are set up in place. So once you look and say, all right, they meet the requirements for this particular job that they can fit in, now all of a sudden is the application process.

Steve Alessi:
You're going to bring the kid home with mom and dad, and mom and dad are looking for things that this person's doing. Mom and dad's got a lot more wisdom. They know human nature. They see how Habits produce kind of a lifestyle, and choices produce either regret or turns around and gives them success. Mom and Dad's wise enough to do that. So now they're home, they're in the interview stage, they're looking at the application, and now it's going to decide together as a family, does this person, uh, are they required or are they allowed, do they qualify to be part of what we do relationally, because you don't want to put your kids through too many heartbreaks.

Mary Alessi:
No. Well, which is why I think holding off on the dating thing is very important. Don't just let your kid at 16 date, date, date. It's ridiculous. I'm just going to say that. That is ridiculous. That does not build their confidence. It erodes their confidence because then they get confused.

Mary Alessi:
I am grateful I didn't have any relationships before you. I have no judgment if you're 18, 19, and you have a boyfriend in your life and that doesn't work out. Absolutely. There are benefits to dating, too. So it's not one way or the other. But one thing that has been a key ingredient in our parenting is we overtell, we overshare, we set the expectation. The job description is very highly described. We prepare.

Mary Alessi:
We have had those conversations. With our kids so much to the point where they're like, okay, we get it. They would never say that, but all right, we get it, mom and dad, please. Fine. We're not even there yet. Yes, but you will be there one day, and we're preparing you now. Our kids will come in all the time randomly. Oh, my gosh, Dad, Mom, I am so grateful.

Mary Alessi:
You told me, you said it. Wow. I am so thankful. Like they won the lotto because they had parents that prepared them for a moment that was high conflict, and they were able able to look at this other person and go, not for me. Or even better, this person's for me because they think the same way. They're like us. Parents need to prepare their young adults, not when they're young adults. Start preparing them when they're teenagers for what the expectation is.

Mary Alessi:
And you can do that with love. That is not controlling. I get so tired of wisdom being put in the category of control. It's wisdom. It's setting your kids up for success so that they can avoid the pitfalls. We say this too, all the time. Our ceiling should be their floor. Why wouldn't you want to set your kids up? That's ridiculous.

Mary Alessi:
In good, healthy relationships too.

Steve Alessi:
If you're going to be a good father that expects your daughter to choose a certain kind of young man, then be that person.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
Be what you want them to be attracted to. I was always very— not super over-the-top huggy and kissy and loving, but my daughters know that I'm going to love on them, I'm going to hug them, and I'm going to smell them. And if they smell good, I'm going to let them know I like that cologne, or they look pretty. I'm going to say something to them. And even to this day, because that's— for one, I appreciate that, and I want some guy to now be able to emphasize those things in her. I hear some guys are so crazy, they're like, nobody's going to be good enough to date my daughter. Well, dude, you're not setting the bar too high. You better start acting like that guy that's not going to be good enough for your daughter.

Steve Alessi:
That's true. You better start being that first and not just allow your ego shoot off at the mouth like nobody's going to be good enough. You're not gonna like the person they bring home because he's gonna look like you.

Mary Alessi:
Just like you, right?

Steve Alessi:
And if you're not loving, caring, embracing, modeling, lifting— that's it, model it— they're, they're gonna pull somebody in that's just like you, and it's not going to be the person you're going to be happy with.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
All right. So here, here, let's move on from that dating part. Now that they're young adults, and they're coming in the picture. I got a text from a father whose daughter just recently got engaged. And I guess because he saw how I melted down at Gaby's wedding, I lost it. Oh, that was horrible. Because Gaby's a lovey-dovey daughter, and she was a tough one to let leave the house because she has great conversation skills. And I love the way she just handles things with me.

Steve Alessi:
She's phenomenal. So that was tough. So he saw how I had the meltdown, and he's like, all right. So he texts me, I understand it now. If his voice— if his text had a voice, it was, I understand it now. I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this. Can you help me? There's something happens now when the guy or the girl moves from that dating stage to, no, I really want to get serious. This is the future.

Mary Alessi:
Right. I might want to marry this person.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
How in the world do you handle that as an adult parent?

Mary Alessi:
You know, that has been, for you and me, the scariest and then the best part of our parenting. It's very scary. It's a step of faith for sure. You have to go back and say about your parenting, did we set up and equip our kids to choose healthy spouses? Did we do our part? And I think that has been really a key indicator to see our son choose such a wonderful young woman that we love. And we tease our kids that we like their spouses more than we like them. And of course we love our kids, but we've also, because our children, we believe, have chosen very well, we love them too. Now, they're not perfect, right? They're not perfect. They're kids, they're young people, but we love them.

Mary Alessi:
And at some point, they don't have to check every box because they're still in process. And you know, they got to marry your kid. You know your kid. You know how your son or daughter could be. We don't just give all the grace to our kids. I'm not just standing in solidarity anymore with my children. My in-laws are my children too.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that's one thing I've told the girls. He's our son too. So you be mindful and respectful of him because he's our son. Just like we would expect our daughter-in-law to be respectful to our son. We expect our daughters to be respectful to our son-in-laws. That blows their minds when we say things like that because they don't expect— Are you texting someone?

Steve Alessi:
I am. Go. I'm walking.

Mary Alessi:
You are a man. You can't text anytime.

Steve Alessi:
I need something. Just keep going. Come on.

Mary Alessi:
Are you getting me something? Did you order me some coffee? I want a cappuccino.

Steve Alessi:
Would you please think positive? You don't have to look at me.

Mary Alessi:
I have to look at you. We're in a podcast group together.

Steve Alessi:
We're having a conversation.

Mary Alessi:
Who am I going to look at? Alan, let me just share with you what I think. No. How long is this text?

Steve Alessi:
You're interrupting me. Please get back on track. Go ahead. I got my— go.

Mary Alessi:
Can I? Now I don't know what I said. Okay, I got it.

Steve Alessi:
No.

Mary Alessi:
So, like, we have to tell— we let our kids know.

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
And we don't feel it before we do it. We do it because it's right. And then the feelings and the affections for our in-law kids do catch up with that because we always want the in-laws to know we are just as much for you as we are for our kids. You are in it now. Our devotion and our loyalty is with you just as much as it is with them. And I think the mistake that parents can make is we protect our own and you're still an outsider and you've got to prove yourself. Whereas you can do that and with time they may prove themselves and you let your guard down. Or you could say from the beginning, okay, you married this person, they're a part of the family now and we're going to embrace them as a son or daughter.

Steve Alessi:
I, for some reason, I can't tell you exactly why, I connect with the son-in-laws.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, you do.

Steve Alessi:
And Chris, my son, of course, when it comes to the marriage thing, I'm just as open with the son-in-laws as I am with my daughters. Meaning I'm going to go to defend my son-in-laws. Yes, you do. First, I'm going to help my son-in-law be a good husband. I'm going to address things and talk to them and coach them along, even though they may have had a father raise them up. I don't know what kind of example that was in the home, but I don't look at them as like an adversary, like an intrusion.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
Now that they're in the family, it's like, hey, what's going on?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Are you fighting? What are you talking about? How's she treating you? How are you treating her? Mostly how's she treating you? What's going on? Are you guys doing okay? Do you need my help with something? I'll make that little comment, you know, just elbow them a little bit just to kind of let them know, guy, I'm on your side.

Mary Alessi:
And it has never offended our daughters that you say to them, I'm taking his side. They love it because they know that you are with them because they're your daughters. But what it gives them, the confidence it gives them that dad loves my husband as much as he loves me, that it gives him so much confidence and peace.

Steve Alessi:
You said he takes his side. I don't take anybody's side.

Mary Alessi:
No, you don't.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, but no, I don't go sit there and go with them against my daughters. What I try to do is go with both of them.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And be able to then bring, without my ego getting involved, because if I feel like my daughter's hurting or my son's hurting over something, it's natural for me to want to take my kids' side of it. But at the same time, I can't take my kids' side of it so that she wins and he loses, right? I can't do that for my daughter. She wins and my son-in-law loses, because then my daughter-in-law is ultimately going to lose. Her husband's got to win with her.

Mary Alessi:
That's really good.

Steve Alessi:
So she can win.

Mary Alessi:
That's really good.

Steve Alessi:
So I'm processing all of this stuff, and I think of Solange, who's in our podcast booth over here. She's helping us out. And I look at her and her, her husband Alex, and they met here in the church. And I think it's just so beautiful. And they have that precious little girl, Grace, you know, and working with her father Enrique. There's something about him that raised two wonderful daughters. And we have, of course, Kevin and Melanie. Who also have a precious little baby, Melanie Solange.

Steve Alessi:
I don't know how Enrique did it, their daddy, but he's strong.

Mary Alessi:
He is.

Steve Alessi:
And I like— he's a hard worker. He gets his head down when he comes along, works with us. He does things at such a great level. And I see the example he is. I see the kind of man he is. And that tells me right away why he has strong daughters.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
Met young men, both married here in the church, and they're involved with us and so forth. I love that it goes back. Yes, the mama's strong and she's beautiful, sweet, wonderful smile on her face. But there's something about a strong man.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, honey.

Steve Alessi:
That is a hard worker, puts his head down, that allows her daughter then to attract to her.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Be attracted to a young man that is also right, that stable, solid guy.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So, so much of this, dads, is on you.

Mary Alessi:
It's true.

Steve Alessi:
And I know maybe some are listening here and they're not married and the mom's raising the kid on their own. It's harder, no doubt about it. But lean into some strong men that we have in this place at Metro, because that helps with the boyfriend that comes along and eventually wants to be the fiancé. I do look at my son-in-laws as now my family.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So knowing our, our type of work that we do, all the newbies coming into the family have to be brought up to speed to how we do our lives.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because it's not just you're marrying just my daughter. You said it earlier, you're marrying the family. And this family just happens to be leading a ministry, a church. It's like, that's our business. So now your life is out there for everybody to see.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And because you came to us, you pursued our daughters and the son and the spouse here in our church, your life is going to be this church.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
There's no getting around that. You can't all of a sudden say, well, you know, Pastor Steve, I don't want to be a part of this anymore.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And pull the kid up, pull our child out of here. It's like, no, this is what you signed up for right now. You've got to be a contributing member of it. And because you have to do it, I want to help them enjoy it as much as possible.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Steve Alessi:
Because it's the greatest profession that I've chosen. You've chosen. Right. It's brought tremendous blessings to our lives. This is fun. Let me help my in-laws also enjoy this. That's on me.

Mary Alessi:
And if you've had a relationship with a mother-in-law for years, like my mother tells the story of her mother-in-law, who was my grandmother, who I thought hung the moon. I had no idea that my mom and her struggled to get along. And my mother to this day will say she never really loved me and accepted me, even though I was everything she wanted for her son. Musical. Young, talented, would travel the world with my father and do all the things my father wanted to do. She was still very jealous of my mother. And what I have appreciated, what I've taken from that is if you don't have a good relationship with a mother-in-law, then you be that. You be that.

Mary Alessi:
My grammar is off today. You can be that to your future in-law kids. Be a healthy grandmother, be a mother-in-law that's not jealous of your son-in-law or the daughter-in-law that comes in, because that is a, that is a chronic problem today where there are mothers who are so jealous of their daughter-in-laws. There's a situation the last few years of a lady that I know who has sons, and she was sharing with me that she just has battles with all her— you're talking about Enrique and how wonderful whatever he did, he did so well with his daughters. They've married young, great young men he has a relationship with. But that can also happen on the flip side of that, where you have sons and they marry young women and they don't get along with the son's mother at all. The daughter-in-laws and the mother-in-law, the mother, just— it's hell. They can't get along.

Mary Alessi:
Well, that is— that's disastrous. And I just feel like it always goes back to the elder. The elder is responsible to fix that. If you're younger and you've not been down this road, you don't know how. You've not been down this road. It will always be part of the eldership that because I'm older, I know better. I've had a mother-in-law and it was good or bad. So I know what my role has to be to bring peace to this relationship.

Mary Alessi:
And it can't be my ego. It can't be my insecurities. I'm losing my sons or I'm losing my daughters. You've got to destroy that because you're gaining so much more. Here's the season that's to come. Your grandchildren. And you do not want to be in a battle with an in-law that will hold it against you and not let you see your grandkids. Because you've got so much conflict and you're jealous and you're not willing to work that out.

Mary Alessi:
That is so, so sad.

Steve Alessi:
That's horrible. They are an investment. I look at my son-in-laws and daughter-in-law as an investment. Everything I do now is going to pay some kind of reward down the road, which was why a couple of weeks ago we had our first Alessi family ministry retreat. So I've heard of different businessmen doing this that have pretty successful companies, and they want to be able to prepare their kids if they want to be a part of the business, what this looks like. So I've seen that in the business aspect, also seen some guys do it for ministry. So I went in and I created our own. Yeah, our whole manual, things that we were personally going to be dealing with because I wanted the others to be a part of it, not just my own kids, though that's important to create vision for the future.

Steve Alessi:
Because we are in— one day the transition will occur from my son, from me to my son. So that's coming in the future. So all of that's important. So I put it together and I asked all the kids, send me what is your greatest challenge? And asked the in-laws to do the same thing. Rochelle was just so precious. She just wants to know how to support her husband, which is such a great role as a woman that comes alongside. She wants to support. The son-in-laws, however, have some different challenges.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, because they're used to calling the shots in their home. They're the head of their home. How do they fit in? How do they juggle the late-night demands with their own family? Right. They're here at church so many nights a week, so many days a week. —so many hours with you and I. But how do they fit in time with their own family? And when that happens, it'd be just as impactful. Days off when they're being asked to put in so much overtime because of the evenings. When is it a day off? When is it a comp day? When is it, all right, a family day where even like vacations? When we go away, when we're not in the office as a family, is that a vacation? Because I'm saying to them, I want you all up at the farm, or I want you over in Stewart because we are working on something.

Steve Alessi:
Is that a vacation when they're out of the office? Right. These guys needed to know just some issues, some clarity. Yeah. What is my role? Where am I fitting in? Is this just going to be Christopher's deal in the future, your son, or do I have a role to play in this? Right. What will be my role? I have gifts and talents. How will I fit in? And not just with Chris, but my wife is strong. She carries platform responsibilities. Yes.

Steve Alessi:
And I have a gift too. Will my gift fit in with hers, or will it always be one step behind? Will she be the lead? I'm the lead of my home. Right. But What about when I come to the church? Not just to her— to church where we go to worship together, but the church where she's employed and she's on the platform? Yeah. Will I have to always be a second, or will I be an equal? There's a lot that as a family, we, especially the men in the family, I know they're going to struggle with, and I want to try to be as transparent as possible with them, as I did when we first started talking about them being actually dating my daughter. I had this conversation with them all. But one conversation doesn't make it. You got to have information, you got to have follow-up, you've got to be intentional.

Steve Alessi:
So I wanted to have this meeting because what they thought they got into. They couldn't see everything, and there was no way to get them up to speed. Meanwhile, they're dating the daughter and they're getting ready for engagement and then getting ready for a wedding. And they should be able to enjoy this first year of their wedding at least without the pressures of work. So why bombard them with all these things on the front end? We had the conversation, but it can't be a one and done. Repetition is important. Yeah. So that's why we had that family business, our retreat.

Steve Alessi:
And you tell me, because you were in the room, what were you feeling that first day in the room?

Mary Alessi:
So I was a little, a little nervous as to the relationship with the in-laws, especially the sons being more recent, as to did they want— did they really want to open up and be transparent about their feelings? Did they feel safe enough with us? Did they feel that— were they feeling under pressure to share it? Did they feel kind of forced to be in this environment? Was that something that was going on in their mind? Was it a pressurized thing? Was it— were they frustrated at all because they're looking at their wives, our daughters, going, you know, your dad's asking this of me, but I have plans too, and I have ideas too. And that independent spirit, which is important, we want them to have versus the family mindset and how would they respond. And I was— I wasn't really nervous about it because I know that these guys love God and they love our daughters and they love our family. But I always leave room for how I might be thinking if I was in their shoes. So I was really processing it more from that perspective. But I was blown away with the reality that we all want leadership and young men crave clear, direct leadership and expectation setting. And that's what that conference did. We call it a conference, but it was a retreat for our family.

Mary Alessi:
It set their expectation. Nothing more, nothing less. And I think what it did for all of us in that room, in that moment, this sense of, well, we really are all in this together. Equal sacrifice, equal deposit, equal withdrawal. And we're all seen, we're all heard. Wherever we are in this journey, we've got grace given to us from our boss, father-in-law, pastor, which is a difficult role to carry all three. And the grandparents to our children. And I think what you did by setting the example was it helped us leapfrog leapfrog over real potential landmines relationally that we could have had with our kids and our in-law kids.

Mary Alessi:
Because you went in clearly right before the battle's ever fought. We're going to win this battle. We're going to have battles because we're people. We all have expectations. God's calling us in different ways to different things. But right now, all of us are called to this as a family. And right now, what we're going to do is make clear lines and let you guys know what our expectation is, what it isn't, take the pressure off and be everything to you that maybe we didn't have that would have gotten us so much farther. And that gave me such a sense of I love this moment so much because you put this incredible booklet together.

Mary Alessi:
It took you weeks, and it was just so beautiful what you rolled out for the family. It just shows you the spirit of leadership that men can step into. What an example you set for your sons-in-law and your son, for them to be able to say, that's what I want. I'm going to lead like that. I want to lead my family like that. If this is what you get, guess what? I can avoid the pitfalls of anxiety and fear about my future. How's this going to go? How's my marriage going to go? Are my kids going to pick the right— are my kids going to rebel? Hold on. We just lived through an experience that set the stage for us.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. No, we can live and raise our kids and be married to our spouses with a security that we are doing it right and we're going to make it. And the storms may come, but we are not going to get tossed around and destroyed in this storm. There won't be collateral damage. You can actually live your life with that knowing. But it does have to back up. And it starts with you. How do you want to lead your life? How do you want to lead your family? How do you want to love your in-law kids? You really do have total autonomy.

Mary Alessi:
In that regard. But you've got to take that personal responsibility. And I go back to that was eldership on display. And God honors that.

Steve Alessi:
That's the investment that we got to make. That's the investment. It's thinking, what can I do today that's going to help them tomorrow? And none of these guys have to follow our daughters.

Mary Alessi:
No, absolutely not.

Steve Alessi:
In ministry like this, they really don't.

Mary Alessi:
No, they don't. They are strong.

Steve Alessi:
And the whole leave and cleave thing. You know, Mary, they can. They can. And what's our daughter's response? To follow their husband. So we're not naive to that. We're not blind to it. Not at all. Yes, you made a promise to me when you wanted to date my daughter.

Steve Alessi:
You met her here in the church and you knew that this was gonna be your future. But you know, guys can change their minds. And if they do, then that's something they'll have to contend with. But the fact that they would be willing, that we could be willing to put ourselves in a position to just be honest, because when I got their responses email-wise and I looked at them, my heart, you know, it touched my heart. Yeah. Touched my heart that they could be as transparent as they were without feeling like there would be repercussions. Yeah. Without feeling like they were weak.

Steve Alessi:
To share what they shared. And I wanted everybody in the family to know what they said. I know. So I actually put in the documents everybody's email, everybody's email, including our own kids, the emails they sent to me. I wanted each other to be aware of it because I wanted them to see the struggles that— I wanted Chris to know what his brother-in-law would be struggling with. Right. And the girls to know what Rachelle would be struggling with. That's right.

Steve Alessi:
What they and each other would be dealing with. And what was cool about that was all of them pretty much were dealing with the same thing. That's right. And that was sweet that they could see, man, I'm not the only one having this struggle. Yeah. Now, as they go forward, you and I, as time goes on, we won't have the influence 10, 15 years from now as they're all making huge decisions and talking about business and handling the ministry. They can start the dialogue now to help each other with some of their issues today that they're dealing with. And hopefully that, again, the investment is going to pan out later.

Steve Alessi:
So when they're dealing with bigger issues like buildings and budgets and programming on a much larger scale, they'll be able to have the same kind of conversation and dialogue that they know. All right, that's something you're struggling with. I got it, man. I'm struggling with it, too. How do we resolve it? So I do— that's just my brain. I do look at the long-term investment of pretty much everything I do because I feel principles are my deal. Boring at times, no doubt about it, because it's principles. But I know they pay off in the future.

Steve Alessi:
I wish dads would see that. I wish men could see that. Moms, as their kids start to date, What's the person they're allowing into their world now? And if they're going to be the ones that the family all agrees on, this is a good mix for our family, then how do we all come together to make sure tomorrow and next year and next month and so on, all of that stuff's being— it's going to be a blessing for us in the future. It is an investment. Take the time. It's not just your daughter's boyfriend or your son's girlfriend. It's not just their spouse. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
They're going to be your grandkids. So that's your daughter that just married into the family. That's your son that just married into the family. And be okay with stepping into their world and saying, can I help you with things? I want to be here. I want to be a part of this. Yeah. You're mine now. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Well, you did that.

Steve Alessi:
And I had to overcome a lot of mind monsters. Absolutely. Because I As young men coming into the family, 3 of them, sure, I knew they had their own dads, their own experiences. But now you're with me. Here's what I can bring.

Mary Alessi:
Well, here's the word we haven't used. They have their own agenda. The young men come into our lives. They want our girls. Let's just be honest. They want our daughters. You're mine now. Is your dad and your mom, are they more influential in you, in your ear than me? Those are things that are real.

Mary Alessi:
I don't care who you are. I don't care how far ahead you get and you have your own family retreat. Those are real issues. That's real world stuff. They come into your world. They want to marry your daughters. The daughter comes in, she wants to marry your son. And it is a natural response to say, we are our own thing now.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. And that is healthy. There is a balance to that. So as parents, we do have to learn to pivot. Yeah, we do have to learn how to put our foot on the brake and the gas pedal at the same time and understand our role is not to stay in a place of ownership. Yes, you melted down and you cried at the wedding when Gaby was getting married, but you tried to make it clear that you loved Christian too. You weren't just crying because you were losing Gaby. And maybe in that moment, everybody was like, oh, poor Christian..

Mary Alessi:
But we've joked about that. We've laughed about that. And you've gone before that enough that Christian knows. And if he doesn't know, he has an open space to come to you and say, hey. And if he isn't intimidated to come to you, we've created environments where we're like, hey, is that a problem? Did that bother you? Hey, you know, let me clear anything up that you might think would intimidate you in this relationship, that maybe my voice is stronger in Gaby's ear. But let's just be honest, it is right now. It is because I'm her dad and you just got here. And we can have these conversations and they get it and they understand it.

Mary Alessi:
And we talk to them like we would talk to our own kids. Is that always easy? Absolutely not. But does it work? Yes, because we're the elder, we're the older. It is our responsibility to take that role. And why not take that role? It's not controlling, it's direction.

Steve Alessi:
Hey, babe, we can carry this over into finances too. Absolutely. Are you kidding? If we've got the financial resources sitting there and my son-in-law wants to provide a nice house for my daughter, and I can assist in any way possible, I'm going to do whatever I can. Absolutely. To help. If I'm willing to do that with finances, why wouldn't I be willing to do that with any other realm of counsel that's needed along the way?

Mary Alessi:
And fill in the gap.

Steve Alessi:
I'm good for that. That's right. What a blessing. Blessed. What, you know, it's one thing to have a nice— the future is going to be taken care of with our retirement program that's been set up and the church is always going to have us taken care of and blessing us. If I have resources, I'm going to invest it into my son-in-laws who are providing a beautiful life for my daughters. I'm not having the mindset that that's just your life now and everything's on you. Not if I want them to live in South Florida and work alongside of us.

Steve Alessi:
I'm going to step up and say, hey, how can I help any way possible? That's right. This is what I can do. So let me do it. It's an investment into the future. Because when we see these little grandkids running around and they want to come to Mia and Papa's house to hang out, the best— it's a great— it's a great return on that investment. And to have son-in-laws that are okay with hanging out on the patio with us all day long while the grandkids are running around, man, wanting to be there. Not forced to be there, that to me is a good return on the investment. Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
They're my own now. That's right. They're not really in-laws. They're my sons. That's right. And I'm grateful for that.

Mary Alessi:
She's my daughter. That's right.

Steve Alessi:
On top of my actual blood kids.

Mary Alessi:
That's why when Daniel and Lauren were preparing for their wedding and they had gone together to get his suit and she came back in the house and she goes, Dad, he tried on some suits. Nothing fits. He's 6'4". And you said, okay, well, keep trying. And then you walked away and you came in the room and you said, what am I doing? What am I doing? He's my son now. His father passed away when he was 10. I'm it. I've got to go take him.

Mary Alessi:
And you stepped in. It hadn't occurred to either one of us or even to Lauren. She didn't say, Dad, will you help me with Daniel? Daniel certainly didn't ask. He would never have asked that. It didn't occur to anyone. And you said, that's it. And not only did you take him, but you made all of us go. And we went downtown and invited a couple of your buddies, and we made a memory.

Mary Alessi:
Daniel's mom came. She cried through that whole thing. And we tried on suits. Daniel tried on suits. And honestly, that moment he'll never forget. Right. And we will never forget because it let him know Okay, he's my dad too, and he's on my side just as much as he's on Lauren's side. He loves me.

Mary Alessi:
That marked all of us in a way as a family that we just saw such a beautiful display of love and investment. You are a good investment. You're worthy of these dollars. You're worthy of taking my daughter into your life. You are a good investment. We believe in you. You are awesome. You're our son.

Mary Alessi:
Come on.

Steve Alessi:
Well, I had that time with Chris. We went, saw, helped him. Mwinya had that time with his own father. Christian had that time with his father. I'm sitting there looking at Daniel. He doesn't have a father.

Mary Alessi:
That's my role. That's right. And you stepped up and you did it. You're a great dad. I know. And we got to go out in this podcast crying tears. They're worth it.

Steve Alessi:
They're worth it. We should look at them that way. May not be perfect. They're not like us. We didn't raise them.

Mary Alessi:
But love them like we can adopt them.

Steve Alessi:
Love them like you did. That whole outlaw thing.

Mary Alessi:
It's a cool joke, but it's not. It's cruel.

Steve Alessi:
It's cruel to try to create that vibe in the home, man. Come on. They're gonna take care of our kids for the rest of our kids' lives. That's right. They're gonna be in their world when I'm not. Yeah. So they better treat them right. All right.

Steve Alessi:
I love it.

Mary Alessi:
Wow, wow, wow.

Steve Alessi:
Wipe those tears, babe. There you go. We went long on this. This was a good one. So very cool. Well, hopefully you have learned something and enjoyed something since you chose this subject matter, Mary. My son-in-law did. Yeah, pretty good.

Steve Alessi:
They're a great one. Well, hopefully you enjoyed it. Thanks for sitting in with us in the podcast booth. Take care.

Mary Alessi:
Thanks so much for joining The Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time, because family is everybody's business.