SHE Said: What Wives Wish Their Husbands Understood About Them

Richelle Alessi:
One little thing.

Mary Alessi:
Is it perfection and him doing exactly what you want him to do, or is it the effort that he tries?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's the effort that he thought about it, that he even thought about it.

Mary Alessi:
That makes you melt.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Even if we can't do it and he's like, oh, I wanted to get ice cream with you tonight.

Gaby Alessi Calatayud:
It's like, you did? You even thought that? Yes. Just the little surprises too.

Mary Alessi:
Well, hi again, and welcome back to Welcome to another episode of The Family Business with the Alessis. I'm Mary Alessi, and it is an honor to be in the podcast booth than the Alessi ladies. Hello, the wives! The wives are in the podcast booth, and we have a lot we want to share because this is our turn. We get to respond. Here we go. The men— the men— the men— they did a gosh, almost an hour on there.

Gaby Alessi Calatayud:
I know they talked so much.

Mary Alessi:
A lot. I know. I wish they would talk that much at home. What? No, they said a lot. We learned a lot because we got to sit in the booth and hear them answer 10 questions.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yep.

Mary Alessi:
How many questions are we going to answer today, ladies?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
25.

Richelle Alessi:
Or we will try to answer.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
No, what's going to happen is we're going to get to every single question, but it's all going to lead back to the same question and topic. Yeah, we're just gonna go back to it.

Mary Alessi:
So buckle up, buttercup. Uh, we're excited about this one. I think we already have over 200 episodes on our podcast. We are rising in the charts, very excited. So we know that our He Said, She Said series is probably going to be our top 5.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Why is that? Because it was my idea. So anyway, um, make sure you share this, listen to the whole thing all the way to the end, because we know it's going to be great. The guys was really great, and if you didn't get a chance to listen to them, go back and listen to their He Said segment, because this is our She Said segment. And what we're going to do is ask a series of questions that kind of help the men in our lives and men in general understand women. Now, I know Dad would joke and say, well, the Bible says, who can understand the ways of a woman? No one. And that is true. That's why there's 25 questions in the Men Only Have 10. They're very simple.

Mary Alessi:
We are very complex. But we also talk a lot about how we feel. So our husbands kind of know, but we want to help men. We want to help the men in our lives understand us a little bit better as we learn to understand ourselves. So anyway, let's just start right off the bat. We know we're complicated creatures, right?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes, we are.

Mary Alessi:
We know we are. But here's question number 1. Are you ready? When you're quiet, does it usually mean something is wrong?

Gaby Alessi Calatayud:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Gabby? Next. Of course it does.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Next question.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Of course it does. I'm not a thinker. I'm not a processor. I'm a talker.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Gaby Alessi Calatayud:
So if I'm thinking and processing, something is wrong. He has said something to me, or it's not even just like he's done something wrong. I think that's also a, a misconception. There are times where yes, maybe he said something that did bother me, but I'm trying not to be easily triggered by things. Right. So I am processing how to respond the right way. And in the moment I might be a little mad, but gimme a couple minutes, I'm trying to, collect my thoughts and, and put my emotions aside so I can respond better. But in the moment, yes, it does mean I'm mad.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
When it comes to a collection of thoughts, my collection is very small. Very short. Very short. I can't really recount a time that I was angry and silent. I'm honest. Oh, so you have to let it out, girl.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
If I'm angry about something, I'm very vocal about it. If I didn't like it, I don't really get quiet. Now I have become quiet because I'm trying to get better at thinking before I talk or argue.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So for me personally, I've kind of like stuck my foot in my mouth because I've been vocal immediately when something is wrong. Because in my— I immediately go into like black and white. What you did was wrong. What I think is right.

Mary Alessi:
Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So I have to vocalize the what's wrong. Yeah. When I don't know the full story. So now though, that I, when I get quiet, I'm probably trying to be better at like, okay, now how can I go about this in a more respectful manner where we actually get to the bottom of the issue with, with like kindness and, and peace. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So see, I'm the opposite. I'm a stonewaller.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You are?

Mary Alessi:
Oh yeah. I think I invented it. You just say nothing. Oh, for in the beginning of our marriage, couple days. I don't know how you do that. I can't do that. That was tough. I don't know.

Mary Alessi:
There was a lot of extenuating circumstances. Go back and watch all the Family Business Podcasts and you'll see the processes that we had to go through. But what about you, Rachelle?

Richelle Alessi:
Um, if I'm quiet, doesn't mean I'm mad. Sometimes it does. Like any girl, really. Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. I think most women shut down.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah. Like if something was said, I didn't love it. I'm like, okay, I do shut down for a little bit, but not always. Sometimes I'm just— I don't have anything to say, but I'm happy, I promise.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
But that's response to— I think Chris mentioned in his episode when he's like trying to tell me, are you upset?

Mary Alessi:
Are you upset?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Like, no, I'm truly okay. But if after a little bit, once I've like thought about it, if I'm upset, I will tell you. Like, I won't not— I won't try you to get— come to me. I will tell you once I'm ready.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. So you, you would say you lean more to going quiet? I think most women do. I think, yeah, the majority of women by nature just get quiet because they're furious or they're mad and they're just kind of waiting for their moment. But so this is the other, the other question I want to ask you guys, though. It's kind of a follow-up to that. When you talk about your problem to your husband or to the man in your life, do you need him to fix it or do you just want him to listen?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
To listen. To listen.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That happened this morning. Yeah. And I'm like, you don't, you can't, you're not in the position to disagree with me. You can't disagree with me because I didn't even tell you the full story. You need to know the whole thing. And I didn't want you to disagree. I just wanted you to kind of like flow with the conversation.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I'll get spoiled after I'm talking to all my girls or my mom or my sisters that like, I'll try to carry on that conversation with him. And when it doesn't, I'm like, what's wrong? I just want— I really, I just want him to listen.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah, I agree. I mean, I was telling you, our last biggest fight we had a couple weeks ago was because I'm like, can you just listen to me? Yeah, I just need you to listen. Yeah, because men go directly to fixing it. Yeah, he was like, well, I can't— if there's something wrong, I need to fix it. I need to help you fix it. Yeah, I'm like, no, I just want you to listen to me.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We can fix it later and say occasionally Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah, you're right about that. Like, just repeat, repeat. She did what?

Mary Alessi:
That's what I want.

Richelle Alessi:
She did what?

Mary Alessi:
No way, babe.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, that's it.

Mary Alessi:
That's what I want. Are you kidding me, babe? Wow. And what did you say?

Richelle Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
I'll just— if we could just have that moment back and forth. No, it's not possible.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I just, I don't know. Christian's a little bit of like a cheese morsel, so he kind of listens. He listens. Now he, he will kind of step in and sometimes I'm like, Hey, there's a line. You can't talk bad about her. I could talk about it. Like, you can't step on that.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So like, I will like draw the line of like, okay, don't try to fix it. Don't, don't pick up your phone and call somebody. Like, he will act and be like, they said what? Let me text them. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. We're just talking. But there are times, like if I'm on the phone with you or I'm on the phone with Lauren or a friend and like there's stuff going down, he will hear it and I'll see him linger like around in like the kitchen. And then the minute, like I'll put the phone down and I won't say anything to him and he'll be like.

Richelle Alessi:
So what's, what's going on?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
What's happening? And then we'll just get into it. So, yeah, so he does, I, I do want him just to listen. Like there are times where he will try to, like, it's not that he'll try to give me advice. He'll be like, oh, but it doesn't matter. Like, yeah, it is what it is.

Mary Alessi:
That's the line.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's my biggest thing is like, don't say it is what it is.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Because you can do something about it. I, I always believe you can, you can fix things. It's not just, it is what it is. And that's his response. So sometimes I'm like, no, we're not. We're not just gonna let it go or we're not gonna fix it. Like, let's just talk about it. Let's make this like the biggest deal right now.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I think girls can do this thing where in those conversations we are hypothetically fixing it. We're not actually fixing it.

Mary Alessi:
No. Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We're like, we're trying to solve the problem.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like she acts that way because she doesn't have a, like, she doesn't have a father, her parents. And that's what we do. That's how we're explaining it. But sometimes the men could actually like literally be trying to fix it. And I'm like, no, please don't do that. Just hypothetically solve the problem with me.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's all we need.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Christian always tells me, he says, he, he's like, you've watched so much reality TV shows that you actually think you're in one. He tells me that all the time. And like, we actually got into an argument the other night, like a legit argument because he said that to friends. And then that night we got home, we were talking and we got into an argument. And he said that, he's like, see, right now you think you're— and I'm like, okay, is this a joke or is this legit? And he froze and he's like, I mean this. And I'm like, I am on a reality TV show. And like, it's this whole thing. And he's like, I feel like you're gonna go into the next room and do like an interview with a camera.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, that's what you think is happening right now. I need to go do my hair and makeup.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I know. It's scary.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So he's like, you have to stop. Cuz he says like, we'll watch Love is Blind together. And then at the end of the night he's like, you're talking to me like we're on the show. I'm like, more than that.

Mary Alessi:
That's funny.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
It's like a legit thing. So I think that this leads me to this question, which is sort of kind of a pickup from where we are right now, processing our emotions out loud. That's kind of what we like to do. And does talking help you make sense of what you're feeling? So talking helps you kind of get to where you want to go, and you just want them to be a sounding board to listen. And I think we do like a little bit of drama in our talk. It's like our natural propensity. Our brains are wired that way. I mean, just the way we talk when we get together.

Mary Alessi:
And I remember my husband, Steve, your dad, your father-in-law, say to me one time, we weren't married that long, and he's like, I'm not your sister and I'm not your best friend. I am your husband. And I can't respond like you want me to because I had a twin. So that made it harder. Yeah. I don't know what you want from me. Yeah. And I just— that, like, threw me back.

Mary Alessi:
Like, what do you mean? You're my husband. You're supposed to be all things to me.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But he didn't know. He doesn't have a woman's brain. No. So he doesn't have even the verbal ability to go down this rabbit trail into this dark hole with me of talking and processing out loud. And when I realized that, it took so much pressure off because when he wouldn't respond the way I wanted to, now I'm mad.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, it's true.

Mary Alessi:
Like, I need you to be this for me right now instead of going, you know what? Probably not the best person to take it to because then I would go through, but he's my husband. He should figure me out. He should know this is how I am. Instead of going, wait a minute, he's a man. I, this is overload for him.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
That's a lot for him.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's a lot.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I think it's helpful. We, we learned this with our brother and it's helped me a lot in now my marriage, even though it's been only 4 months. But like setting the scene of the conversation, like setting the expectations of like, I want to run something by you.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I don't need, I don't wanna fix it, but I just need a sounding board.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So like setting that up for him because now, so true. Cuz men are so, they can compartmentalize like, I now told him, what box are you going to think in?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, change your box. Because it's true, especially when, when you get home from work and I come from ministry and he comes from corporate, sometimes he'll continue and come into a conversation like he's still at work and.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He'Ll talk to me like a coworker.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Or like one of his buds or whatever. So I have to almost be like, okay, we're changing the scenery or the expectations of this. This is what I expect from you. And I specifically, and I think a lot of girls can connect with this, I have to tell him, I'm gonna say things that I probably don't mean right now. Mm-hmm. I'm just making sense of what I'm feeling.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Because he will hear it as, you mean I am always frustrated by you. Mm-hmm. When I'm just processing that.

Richelle Alessi:
Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So he, he's a words person. I think a lot of men can be like, well, you said that one thing. Is this really what you feel? So I have to tell him ahead of time like, okay, I might not mean the things that I'm about to say.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But I just need to get them out.

Mary Alessi:
No, that's good. Well, this is a great question then. Does feeling understood by the men in your lives make you feel more loved?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
The fact that they understand you?

Richelle Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
Or at least try to.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah. You know, one of the— something that I— or at least try to, I think is the best way. I remember when we did our premarital class, one of the biggest advice was you're never going to be able to understand each other. Because you're so different, your brain is so different. Just have to realize.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, yeah, it's good.

Richelle Alessi:
And every time I'm putting like an expectation of you're just not understanding me, yeah, I remind myself, oh wait, yeah, he's not, and he's not able to because his brain is so different than mine. Just like I can with how he's feeling because my brain is so different. So I just need to realize what's happening and how we can fix it. And that's helped us when we've gotten arguments where he was like, okay, hold on, we might not fully understand. We just need to realize. Yeah. Because we're so different. And that just has helped us because for us, I guess, feeling understood is like safety.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Richelle Alessi:
Okay, I can be— I can say really what I want.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
What I'm feeling. True. Not what I want, but what I'm feeling. And you understand it. I feel safe.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
But they might not fully— Yeah. Get it, but they do want to help you.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
And so it gets frustrating. And sometimes I've noticed we get frustrated because he's trying to help me and he doesn't know how to.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
And I didn't even know he was trying to help me. I thought he was just trying to move on.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Or get over something fast, like get over your emotion. But it was not that at all.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
It was like, oh, we were just not understanding each other.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
But that realization of like, okay, we're just different, how can we work together towards it? Helps.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. I think with Chris and I, we are We actually, like, 50% of us is very alike, so we can understand each other pretty well. Yeah. Like, I'll, I'll understand when he's upset about something or understand, he'll understand when I'm upset about something. Cuz we do have a pretty good portion that's, that thinks similarly.

Richelle Alessi:
Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I learned that in the moments that he was trying to understand me and he, cuz some, we would hit a wall and he was, he would be really good at responding like, okay, what do you want? And that's when I noticed they go into like pure black and white mode. Like, just tell me what to do and we can figure it out. And I realized that I had to be very good at vocalizing what I wanted exactly.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Because a month, months would pass, a year would pass, and then a situation would arise where he would do what I wanted, but because I didn't express it right the first time or because I was too emotional, I'm like, what are you doing? And he's like, but this is what you wanted. You, you told me you wanted me to adjust this. And I'm like, I did. That's what I said. That's what— that's not what I meant.

Mary Alessi:
And Stephanie, just answer the questions. Please don't give men our insider trading information. Just answer the question, Steph.

Richelle Alessi:
I'm sorry.

Mary Alessi:
Go ahead. Be honest.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Understand us. No, but yes, I do love it. I really appreciate it when he reels back the emotions and he's like, okay, what, what do you need? What are you actually expressing or trying to communicate? And it's best to do it on paper too. I appreciate it when he, when he texts me. What can I do?

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And that makes it so much easier for me to sit down and write down my thoughts.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Gabby, what do you think about that?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I think for, for me, my struggle, like on my end is I want you to get it without me telling you. Like that. And that's a hurdle. And I think that's a new marriage thing.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But like, yeah, the whole thing of what do you need from me? I have to, I have to like stop myself from getting angry at that because in my head I'm like, You.

Mary Alessi:
Should just already do it, right?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, I see it as a weakness if he doesn't know it already, or like, like I, I have to explain myself sometimes and I get mad that I have to explain myself. So that's something that I have to really like control. And when he says, okay, then what is it that you want? Because I don't get it. That's not a weakness. It's just showing you we're different.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I see things very different than he does, and that's us working it out. And to answer the question, The moments.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That we've— I have felt like, wow.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We are really a team. Like, we're really figuring this. Like, we're married has been after a conversation of misunderstanding and then reaching understanding, right?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, those are the most intimate moments that you have together. Cuz it's like, wow, I just said thing that said something that maybe ruffled your feathers and then you came back at me, but we were able to resolve the issue, get on the same page, and we're great and we can have dinner tonight and not be mad at each other. We're fine.

Mary Alessi:
So I, this question is not on my list, so it's going to be 26 questions. No. How important is it to you that you and your spouse partner in everything?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh my gosh.

Mary Alessi:
In the family. Like, how important is it that he is your partner from picking out the curtains to the big things, to making decisions, and you feel like you have a voice.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Like, what's, what's that scale for you of importance that you would place on it that you would say most women feel this way?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's the most important thing. I would say it's the most important.

Mary Alessi:
Thing that your partner's— that, yeah, yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That we are in agreement on things. Yes. And it will bring so much confidence to your woman, women, woman. It will bring so much identity to your woman because we do. It's just part of our nature. But now part of our identity is you.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And like, that's right. It's true. It's a lot of my, 75% of my emotions, even like 85% is dictated by how he woke up that morning.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And the mood he's in.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. So you did the math on that?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I did. I did the math.

Mary Alessi:
That's how important it is.

Richelle Alessi:
It is.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Well, because it is very true. It can really make or break my day.

Richelle Alessi:
Right.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We will try so hard to be like, whatever, he's grumpy, let me just move on. If we're not on the same page, it's fine. I can just ignore it. But it is so— that goes against like our nature to try to ignore it.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, it's true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And when we are not on the same page, it affects everything. I start to act more insecure. Yeah. I start to act more snappy or naggy, and it's simply because I don't feel understood or heard.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I just want to feel like my number one teammate. Is being my number one teammate.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And when we find a good rhythm of that, it changes the whole game. I'm like, we can do anything.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We can parent, we can be in, in really high pressure environments, we can have really tough conversations. And I know at the end of the day, he's on my side. He's on Team Stephanie.

Richelle Alessi:
Right.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I'm, and it makes me wanna be on Team Chris.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. That's just awesome. That's one of the most profound things that was said at Rachelle's shower. Remember your bridal shower? And my longtime friend and kind of auntie to you guys, Melanie, stood up and said, one thing I learned in my marriage is that I always— I have to put on default that I am Team Tony. I am on his team. I'm not on my sister's team. I'm not on my kids' team. I'm not on my mom's or my dad's team.

Mary Alessi:
I am on Tony's team.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And if I default to that, even if he's not quite right and we're not talking about bad behavior.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But in the moment he's feeling something passionate and maybe she disagrees. Welcome to the real world. We don't always agree. But when her default is, Tony, I'm on your team. I don't quite understand it all, but I'm for you.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That everything changes because men are so responsive to the women in their lives being on their team.

Richelle Alessi:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
I mean, sports are made for men.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Let's just be honest.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's so true.

Mary Alessi:
So if you just watch how men are with each other in any kind of sports game. Yeah. And you try in some ways to replicate that. Now, they don't want to marry their football buddy and they don't want you to act like that either. But there are some elements to that.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That help the process along so much. Or letting them know even when they are grumpy or having a stormy day, because they're feeling the pressures, that you're okay with that, that it doesn't always have to be perfect.

Richelle Alessi:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
Helps them feel like, man, she's for me, she's not against me. But we're not talking about them, we're talking about us. So from that perspective, what we need is kind of that acknowledgment of, babe, I see.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
I see that you're giving me room here, and I appreciate it. Yeah, I really do. Don't worry about me, I'll be back. It is a rough day, but I appreciate that you're making strides to give me the space that I need.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Well, I think the number one thing for me is when we're not on the same page and we're not on the same team, or I don't feel like we're on the same team and we left the conversation with an agree to disagree, or it is what it is, you do your thing, you might think one way, I think another. When that happens, the one time that I feel the most exposed, like, as a wife. And if we don't resolve it and we're not on the same team, I don't feel that covering of like, you know what, even though we're both seeking to get on the same page, I might struggle to agree with you, but I'm still going to agree with you.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
When we don't have that, I just kind of feel like I'm left out to dry.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I'm like, oh my God, like, even when it— and Praise God, we don't have these issues. But like, a lot of times girls can feel that way with like the in-laws. Like if the, if the husband disagrees with how the girl feels about the in-laws and he doesn't take her side, you can be in that environment and feel uncovered and feel like it's them against me. And so I think that's what's so valuable about when your husband, even when he's like, I don't understand you, but I am seeking to understand you and I am trying better. That, it just makes you feel like, okay, we are one. He, he's got my back.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And that's huge. And I also, I would also say like in, in our marriage, we're a little bit similar. I think I've learned from you and Dad cuz you mentioned the curtain thing.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like I appreciate that when it comes to certain things around the house, Christian lets me make decisions.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And then I let him make certain decisions. And I think it's a healthy partnership of like, there's certain things, I choose the color of the curtains.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He has no idea what's happening, but I don't need his, as long as he's cool with me swiping the credit card, I'm gonna go and I'm gonna buy these curtains cuz I think it would work cuz it, it lets us both have a little bit of independence of like, I can do this, but on big decisions we come together and we, we seek understanding.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
I love, I, I agree. It's like that balance of learning. We don't have to do everything together.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Or agree with everything, but as your relationship grows, you start to trust each other and like, Chris, I trust you can handle this.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Chris will come and tell me, you make the decision on this. I trust you with that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
And as long as I know he's pleased with the end result, like, I'm happy. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, if I know my husband is happy in our home because he, he liked how we decorated, if he liked how we came up with the plan, if he's happy and pleased, and like, it was a teamwork. Even if we made— even if we had our own decisions to make, yeah, we were still aligned in what we were deciding for each other. And if we're pleased it's like the— if my husband is pleased, I'm like, I'm happy. Yeah, it's fine. We can do anything. Totally. We're just— because we're together always.

Mary Alessi:
And I've made him happy. He's made me happy. And I made a good choice for the collective.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes.

Mary Alessi:
For us as a family, I've contributed. And I think it's so funny that women care so much about the house. You know, we want our houses to look like Pinterest boards. And sometimes buying the curtains can cause stress. And I can remember even in my young marriage, I'd want to go buy something cheap.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It was cheap.

Mary Alessi:
But to Steve, what he would hear, he would get upset with me because what he would hear is, she wants to buy something and even cheap ones we can't afford. I'm not providing.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And he would get triggered by that. And I'd go, why do you get so mad?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
What is it? I'm just asking for curtains. But, you know, we've talked about this, Mary. We are not in a place where we can spend money. Can we please? And what I didn't realize, which quite frankly, even that Melanie moment was another reminder of, when I'm asking to spend money in the— at the time that he's been clear, we've got to save money. That is, to him, it's like the hugest show of disrespect. That you're not team us.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Mm-hmm.

Mary Alessi:
Because you're trying to spend money when I just— you don't know that we, we don't have the money.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But that makes him feel small and inadequate.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. Because he doesn't wanna say that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
No, no man wants to admit we don't have the funds for this.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So that's like the biggest dagger.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But we're like, but the couch is so pretty.

Richelle Alessi:
I can't.

Mary Alessi:
And, and it's so, but it's on sale.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But it's on sale. It would add so much to the room.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You don't get it, babe.

Richelle Alessi:
It's cheap.

Mary Alessi:
It's almost free. We need it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Can I ask you a question? And all of you guys a question as being newly married? The guys talked about it. Um, the, the old saying of happy wife, happy life. Mm-hmm. Do you think there's such thing as happy husband, happy life?

Mary Alessi:
No. Really? No, I don't think, I think we've underestimated the power of our happiness and what it has. The impact it has on our spouses. I think we have— I know we have a lot more power over the, um, the temperature of our home and the environment. I think wives were truly designed by God to bring the light, to bring the joy, to bring the fun.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah, I agree.

Mary Alessi:
To the home. That's— that is the model that we set.

Richelle Alessi:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
And the father the husband does have more pressure to lead. I'm talking about before God. He's got the pressure and the expectation to lead his home well, to provide for his home well. Now, I'm not saying that's what's happening today in every marriage. It's not. Or even the world today. But that is in a healthy man's mind that's been raised right. They've been taught all their lives, one day you're going to have a wife, you're going to have kids.

Mary Alessi:
You better make sure you get it together. You got to provide for her. The buck stops with you, buddy. And that— they're wired that way. Their brain's wired that way. So that's already more pressure that they wake up with that we don't. And we're like, curtains.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, you're right. I see it in now having kids. I see it in our kids.

Richelle Alessi:
Sure.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
When the— we need to assume our role as the wives and the husband so we can give room to the husbands to assume their role. And then the husbands have to make sure, like the Bible says, to love your wives. Don't exasperate your children. Because a happy wife does— it changes the trajectory of your home.

Richelle Alessi:
Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Your kids are less stressed, they're less feisty. I've seen it. I have seen it where if a mother is just always overwhelmed, always stressed, always trying to escape, doesn't really know how to just go with the flow.

Mary Alessi:
You see it in the children, right?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. And that's true. And a massive contributor, contributor to that is a husband. Yeah. And I'm not saying give us whatever we want.

Mary Alessi:
Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But find the things that do make us happy.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
If it is going and getting coffee at a very girly restaurant or at a very girly coffee shop.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Or taking us to the movies or getting us ice cream. It's little things. We're, yeah. Yes, we're complicated, but we're really not that complicated. One ice cream run fixes so much for me.

Mary Alessi:
Oh my gosh. Let's talk about that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
One little thing.

Mary Alessi:
Is it perfection and him doing exactly what you want him to do? Or is it the effort that he tries?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's the effort that he thought about it, that he even thought.

Mary Alessi:
That makes you melt.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Even if we can't Do it.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And he is like, oh, I wanted to get ice cream with you tonight.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's like, you did? You even thought that?

Richelle Alessi:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Uh-huh.

Richelle Alessi:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Just the little surprises too. Oh, it's everything. Last night, I think it was last night, we're watching a show and then he, we were gonna go and like do like our own things. I was gonna get ready for bed. He was gonna hang out. And I'm like, and I told him, I'm like, hey, I really wanna spend time with you. And he was like, but we, we both said like, we, and I'm like, I know, but I wanna sit on the couch. And then I thought we were gonna go and like separate and kind of do like our, I would go upstairs and watch my show.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And then I hear him in the kitchen and I'm kind of like, I'm getting like all pouty on the couch, like, like whatever. And I'm like closing my eyes, acting like I'm falling asleep, but it's like 8:00 PM and I'm like, I'm just so mad. I just wanna be with him. And then I hear, I, I know it's like, it's a good test. Can you know what's happening in your house based off the noise?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I hear the noise of the whipped cream going.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I was like, and then I heard the Nutella box open. I'm like, and then I hear the, the cream. Crinkle, it's so stupid, of the strawberries. And I'm like, and he comes over with strawberries and Nutella and he's like, let's watch another episode.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I was like, this is like, that's everything. That's all you needed.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That was those little moments that just fill, it just fills your cup.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Oh yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And even when they're not perfect, like he made me breakfast the other day and the eggs were runny and I cannot handle runny eggs. And I was like, I love you so much.

Richelle Alessi:
This is, I can't eat this, but this is so sweet.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I think that's like even those little.

Mary Alessi:
Things, I think for us, As girls, you know, we've just been taught that men just don't do certain things. Yeah, they're just not. So when they do them, those little tiny things, it, it doesn't just go far for the day. Yeah. It helps us see them in that perspective of, man, I have a tenderhearted man that loves me and will do these little things. It's almost like brings out the little boy and the little girl in us again that we need. They're— they want to be met. I'm a man, I'm a provider.

Mary Alessi:
That's a girl thing. I'm not going to come off my, my high horse and do that. No way. Because their pride gets in the way. And when they do that, yeah, like when, when Dad will get up, especially if I've been mad at him and he's the next morning, he's going to get up and make my coffee. I think it's that when you see the man in your life be humble and sweet.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh, it's everything.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And thoughtful.

Mary Alessi:
But they don't want to be like, whipped by their wife, right?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
But we don't see it that way.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Maybe their, their bros do. They tease them all the time because, you know, we live in two different worlds.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
When men are with men and when women are with women. But for us, if, if you were to tell your girlfriends, I was so mad at him and he made me so mad. But then the next morning, that story, what you just told your girlfriends, what would they do?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, they'd be like, oh my God, he's so cute.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's why I'll be like, babe, I'm not going to tell anybody that you came to this bakery with me.

Richelle Alessi:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Just for me. And your Hunter shirt, I'm not gonna tell anybody.

Mary Alessi:
But you can't tell your girlfriends cuz if you tell your girlfriends and that's what they want from their husbands now, they're gonna be mad.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
They're gonna be mad at their husbands.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And he's, your husband's gonna get a text from the other husbands like, I hate you, man.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
The effort is so real.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
I remember when Chris and I were just a couple months married, every morning I would, he grew up seeing his dad make coffee for his mom every morning.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
And Chris really looked forward to doing that. I'll, I'll say this, my husband loves, he loves to serve our home. Like at night, he's the one that's like, I want to make cookies, I'll make the popcorn for everybody. And he loves to do that. He's so intentional. And so in the morning, he, he was really looking forward to that. But I will wake up and I wanted a different coffee every morning. I didn't want the same thing every day.

Richelle Alessi:
I would wake up, I want hot. Today I want iced. And I would wake up and I'd be, I'm going to make my iced coffee. And he'd be like, oh, okay. And he had made me already the coffee that I had made before. And I would be like, I know, I'll take it. And it got to the point where he was like, you don't drink the same coffee every day? I'm like, I don't. I just wake up, I make up my mind.

Richelle Alessi:
And so he started to do this that till this day I cry. I think I almost cry thinking about it. But he would prepare like 3 different coffees the night before.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, wow.

Richelle Alessi:
He would set up for a hot, or he would make an iced and leave it in the fridge because he knew I— when I wanted iced coffee, it needed to be ice cold. Yeah. And he would set— make the iced coffee and leave it in the fridge. And he would wake up, especially if he had to leave.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
And at the beginning, we were still not working together. I was still in school. So some mornings he would wake up, go to work. I would stay home. And he would text me, I don't know which coffee you want, but there's like 3 different setups for whichever one you want today. Oh my gosh. And I just remember being like, the fact that he went out of his way to make sure that I still had whatever I wanted, even in my indecisiveness, meant so much for me that I actually started to say, I'm going to decide the coffee I want the night before.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, so he didn't have to do that.

Richelle Alessi:
So he didn't have to do that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He's like putting orders in.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
And so I would tell him, I.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Know, I know what I want tomorrow.

Richelle Alessi:
And even if I woke up and didn't want it, it didn't matter because he wanted to do that for me. And I didn't want to take that away from him because it also meant so much to me. And till this day, he's just like that. And just the effort of trying. Like Lauren's wedding, I, no, sorry, Gabby's wedding. I was, it was like my first trimester. I was so sick. By the time we're going to the reception, he shows up with a cooler.

Richelle Alessi:
And he has all the pregnancy snacks I could need that night just to make sure I felt okay. And just those things that he just, his effort to make sure that I'm feeling good and safe and the best that I can, anything that he can do is taught me, okay, then let me think, let me process a little faster. We're different because if he's trying that much, I need to make sure I'm doing my part. It's true.

Mary Alessi:
It's good.

Richelle Alessi:
So, but the effort is so real.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It is real. Changes the game.

Mary Alessi:
It does change the game. I think that sometimes men will not make the effort because they're afraid they're going to miss the mark or not get it exactly like you want it. So they just don't because we can be complicated and not every woman responds like that. And not every man is like Christopher, who's going to make 3 different cups of coffee. What I find ironic is— Mine will not do that. Well, no, he doesn't know how to use this. Dad's like, you like cappuccinos?

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's what you like today.

Mary Alessi:
That's what you like with a little sugar. Too much sugar. We're going to take the sugar. But to me, knowing his personality and his intensity, the measure of that when he does those things, it just matters even more. Right. So it is the effort. Yeah. I remember when we were first married and now I used to get hurt about it.

Mary Alessi:
Now it becomes a joke because the longer you're married, the things that used to hurt your feelings are now the jokes of your marriage. Right. And I laugh. I'm like, our sarcasm is— our joking is like foreplay. But anyway, they mentioned foreplay in there, so I'm mentioning foreplay in ours. Like, we tease, we joke. Yeah, you, now, whenever mom and dad.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Are joking, whenever they joke at the table, we're all gonna be like.

Mary Alessi:
You'Re right.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You know what? It's a sign of how much you've overcome. It's like, it doesn't make you any more. Well, I love you so much. We've come so far.

Mary Alessi:
He is who he is. I am who I am. You know, I think too, when, um, what I was gonna say that's ironic, Rachelle, I gotta just add this little part. Is through both your pregnancies, you can't handle coffee. You cannot stand coffee.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
To the point where Christopher finally gets it down and she's gagging over the smell of coffee. He start— he had to make coffee outside.

Richelle Alessi:
He couldn't bring it inside because it.

Mary Alessi:
Would wake me up.

Richelle Alessi:
Which again, are you inside with your coffee?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
What a husband.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I just came in.

Richelle Alessi:
Get out.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
What a husband.

Richelle Alessi:
Get out.

Mary Alessi:
Which just goes back to this reality that we want men to know we know we're complicated because we're not even tying in what we need, what we need from them during our time of the month.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Oh my gosh.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Ask another question. Is there another? Any more?

Mary Alessi:
Well, there are more.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I didn't choose to mention the time.

Mary Alessi:
Of the month because what I— well, all right, because here's the thing.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh, I have one.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
In response, was it a good one? What were you going to say?

Mary Alessi:
It's going to be a good one. Go ahead. There's plenty here.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Let's talk about the relax thing.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Chris's relaxed comment. Have your husbands ever told you to relax? Or is it a my husband problem? Does he need to be talked to?

Mary Alessi:
No, no, no, no, no, no. But I think you're more wired like Dad, so I have to say relax a lot.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh, so it's me. I need to relax.

Mary Alessi:
It's you, Taylor Swift. You're the problem.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I get it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I do have to relax too. When he tells me, I'm like, yeah, you're right.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, but let me say that. Let me just say this. This was the question I wanted to ask. How do you, how do you respond to what we see as a double standard?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
What do you mean?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So, like, for instance, can you say.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That in a sentence?

Richelle Alessi:
That it makes 5— it makes the 5-year-old sad.

Mary Alessi:
I know. All the, all the 10-and-over married couples are like, yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh, are you talking about like when he's like, I want to go— what.

Mary Alessi:
He can get by with that you can't? Oh, yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Relax. My, no. Yeah. When I catch a double standard, because I am so natured to call out what's wrong and I have to reel it back sometimes I get way too much. But if I see like, I have to relax. Yeah, of course. But if I see that, like there's a double standard, it's rock and roll. Get in the ring, put your dukes up.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So let's go.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So that's a siren that goes off in her head.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Every day.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Cause I'm like, hypocrisy, injustice. This isn't right. I've been over here busting my butt trying so hard to make sure that I abide by what you wanted. You didn't like this, so I'm going to make sure. And then if the next day something is turned and I notice a double standard, I'm like, pause everything. We're going to the bathroom right now. We're going to talk about this right now. I don't like this.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And oh my gosh, I can't think of a specific scenario, but that will— so many.

Mary Alessi:
Oh baby, you've only been married 5 years. I got plenty. I'm kidding. No, I think that is an issue. Relationships. I don't think men see it the way we see it, which is why we need to really help educate them that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. But they're not wired that way. No, they're not wired from a double standard perspective because they just filter everything from a lens of what their responsibilities are, which then means what they are, what they have the right to do.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And then, but yet it'll flip and it irritates us and makes us mad when it's communicated. But you don't have the same rights that I have.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And they don't mean that, but they need to understand how we hear it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Like, you can go and you can do what you want, but then the minute I do it, oh my gosh, I get the riot act, or I feel— but that's how we process it. That doesn't necessarily mean that's what's happening.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So to break this down, because if we without any context, I don't think it would, it would be hard to understand this.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Because if men are listening to this, they probably don't understand what we're saying. So like, if, um, our husbands want to go golfing, they can literally just say, hey, I'm going golfing this Friday. And they, there's no problem. Yeah, go.

Mary Alessi:
Cool.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Exactly.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We'll stay in. If anything, we're like, that's kind of great. We'll go, I'll take the kids to Chick-fil-A and we'll have fun. And then if I want to now do something on a Friday morning with friends, I have to make sure a week in advance.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Hey babe.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I have some friends inviting me. Do you think you can take care of the kids on Friday morning? Do you, do you think I need to call my mom to come help? Do you think you can do this? Is it all good? And then it's like, oh, well, I don't know. We do need to work. So that is like the perfect scenario of exactly a double standard.

Mary Alessi:
Right. And I think that's because women are naturally wired to, to want to promote independence in their relationship. A woman is naturally wired to tell her husband, go have fun.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Because she thinks that that's going to happen to her. But a man is not thinking. He is not counting up all the times you said go.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, he's not.

Mary Alessi:
He's not trying to hurt you. He's just like, wait a minute, not this week. Yeah. So, but it doesn't mean that, you know, we should pull back and not be generous. We have to express ourselves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And explain, you know, come on.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
What I'll do is like, if he says, hey, I need to go golf this Friday. And I'm like, yeah, sure, go. I'll joke and I'll be like, did you just notice how I said that? Yeah. Did you notice how I just responded that way? So kindly, so flexible. Yes. Did you notice that? Just want you to remember that for when I have to ask you another time.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And it's a joke, but I'm also like, I'm 100% serious.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Well, I'll do that with like, with family stuff.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I'll be like, he'll be like, yeah, we're gonna go get dinner with my parents. And I'm like, I love that. Let's do it. Did you see how I just said that? You see how I responded to that? I am so excited to get to know you.

Mary Alessi:
I'm genuinely excited.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I am gen— like, I'm not even lying, but I want you to take note of how I'm responding to you right now.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, so let me give you, um, one more really, really great tip. Pro tip. This is a pro tip. The way you approach it now is you go.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
She's right.

Mary Alessi:
I really don't want to go, but the girls have been begging me and I got to find some time to work it in. But I don't want to leave you with the kids. I don't want to do that. I don't even want to go. And 9 times out of 10, they'll go, well, you need to get that done.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You need to go.

Mary Alessi:
So if you're going to go, today's— tomorrow's the best day. Or you should go.

Richelle Alessi:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
But I, if you want to, yeah, that sends a different message to them.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's true.

Mary Alessi:
Rather than if you don't want to.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And sometimes I'll get two answers. I'll either get that one where it's like, okay, he'll fix it. If you're gonna do it, then go do it right now. We gotta get a lot to, we gotta do this weekend. So just do it on Saturday morning. Or he'll go, just don't go if you don't wanna go.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I'm like.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You'Re like, um, wait a minute.

Mary Alessi:
Uh, I often wonder if men are as calculated about cases we are. No, I don't think they are.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
No, no. But I will say, and, and again, maybe there's different people listening. So like, I have a husband that's very much like, go hang out with your friends.

Mary Alessi:
That's so much fun. That's true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I am actually— she is a good husband.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Because I'm not a good wife. I'm like, you went golfing this day, you did this the other day. Like the whole scorekeeping thing, I have to, I have to like add something to the board.

Mary Alessi:
Oh my gosh.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Queen of the board.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I am the queen of the board cuz it is so it's really intense. But going back to this, or connecting this question to the last one, I have noticed that when I do, like, and our favorite word is like, I'll let you, like, is our joke is like, yeah, sure, I'll let you go. But like when, when we both are very relaxed and I do say, hey, you should go golfing on Saturday morning, I know that helps you. Cuz in his, in their episode, he talked about it.

Mary Alessi:
Like, right.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I am learning that Christian needs competition.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He needs to go and, and let off some steam. He needs to play basketball. He needs to play golf. If he can't do any of them, you know what? He does play video games. I know people feel like it's controversial. We have it in our own way where it doesn't interrupt our marriage, but like he does need that. He gets on with his guy friends and they play for like an hour and he screams in the whole house through video games. Right.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But he needs that. Yeah. That helps him. And what I've seen is when we both kind of let each other do our thing and I'm like, yeah, go on Saturday, or if it's a Tuesday night, you can go play video games.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like it works.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like I'll go watch my show, you play your video games. When we have that, he comes back like wanting to do the little things and more.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like I think it was the, the day, but we came home from our honeymoon, it was the day after our honeymoon and our house wasn't ready. We were staying in a, a hotel still and it was just not comfortable. And it was the day before his birthday. So you would think like, okay, I should be going and doing things for him. Well, he had asked me, um, it was like, guys, maybe 24 hours we had been home from our honeymoon. He had asked me to go play, if he could go play football with some guys. They were all getting together and it was a Friday morning. It was at 9:00 AM.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So I'm like, man, we're not even gonna spend the morning together. I'd be alone. I have no car. Like I'm thinking about all these things. And I was like, you know what? We've been together nonstop for 2 weeks. Go. If you need this, go and enjoy it. I'll be good here.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I'll walk down and get food, whatever. I woke up that morning to him at like 6:00 AM or 7:00 AM.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And he was already leaving.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I'm like, where are you going? And he was like, oh, I'm gonna.

Mary Alessi:
Go to the gym. I was like, the gym before football? Like, what are you doing?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He's like, yeah, yeah, I just wanna go.

Mary Alessi:
I wanna go.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I'm like, all right. And then he came back from the gym with Mamán Bakery breakfast.

Mary Alessi:
No way.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's awesome.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And he brought it to me.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's how you do it right there.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And he was like, I'm so sorry.

Mary Alessi:
Guys, I keep coughing.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
My bad.

Richelle Alessi:
Go ahead.

Mary Alessi:
Continue.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He was like, I, I wanted to surprise you. And he was like, thank you for letting me go and play football.

Mary Alessi:
Football today.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Bam.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And I wanna tell you, knock it in. Maman Bakery is like the place he will never go. He has literally told me to my face, if you want to go to coffee shops, call your sisters. That is a boundary. That's a, a standard we've set in our marriage. He's like, I am not the coffee shop guy. He doesn't even drink coffee because they.

Richelle Alessi:
Don'T wanna have a pastry for breakfast.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He does not want a pastry for breakfast. And I get it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
They want that lemon poppy seed.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I get it. I get it.

Mary Alessi:
So good.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But the fact was he went to Maman He walked down a gate, the thing, the gate, like all of that huge. And he brought it back. Yeah. And it was that moment of like, and it was a lesson for me of I have to not be so like controlling of every minute of every day. And I can't be this wife that's like, but no, we have to spend time with each other because that's the expectation. You're gonna come home to one another, right? You are together 24/7. And just having that little bit of time where he can go and play football. It made him a different person when he came home.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
He, he was actually a better version of himself. Like, yeah, he was more fun when he came home versus like kind of being grumpy or being frustrated or like he got that energy out.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah. And you're with each other so often.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's just often.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Sorry, I'm just thinking often, often. Now when I get passionate, I turn into like a New Yorker. But really you're with each other all the time that just taking 30 minutes at night or in the morning to, to add one little element to make it intentional changes the whole week.

Richelle Alessi:
It's true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Where it's like, okay, we're just having breakfast together. Let me actually just like, I don't know, let me go buy, let me go buy pastries.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Let me at night make some popcorn. It doesn't, it just like breaks up the mundane. It makes it feel like he just took an opportunity to make it intentional.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Last question. Tone is everything.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
How is tone?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
How is, how do you hear things from your spouse? Do you hear them better when their tone is kinder? Do you hear it less? Does it start off a firestorm when their tone is too harsh? How does that make women feel when men are really harsh with their tone?

Richelle Alessi:
Tone matters.

Mary Alessi:
It does.

Richelle Alessi:
What do I think?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Is the kindest husband here?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I wonder how is Chris? No, but Chris can be. Is he harsh?

Mary Alessi:
No.

Richelle Alessi:
I think a tone, the way you start something matters because you, I think for me, I immediately start to read into What happened? You get defensive.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Sure.

Richelle Alessi:
You go immediately into, okay, so this is a defend myself moment.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, yes.

Richelle Alessi:
Because if you're, you're coming, it's up here, then I, I have to be up here.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Richelle Alessi:
Because I, I guess we, you do feel like the team is kind of broken. Yeah, yeah, this is the defend myself time. But I think the tone definitely, definitely—.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Oh yeah, I thought that I was more, uh, not emotional as a wife, and that was like so proven wrong. And I do need that, that kind tone, even if it's, it's kind, but also just no emotion. We don't have to come in so hot or so disagreeable. When I learned the word disagreeable, it changed my life because I'm like, you were disagreeable. That's the problem. No. Well, cuz we could be.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We could be.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We, you know, it's fun at first you were having like cute little debates and stuff and you like to create it's fun conversation, it's fun banter. And then after a while it's like, okay, why are we disagreeing in every conversation?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We immediately create two sides with everything.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
With every dinner, every breakfast, every small thing. Like, why does it always have to be two sides? And, um, when— and then when it would actually then feed into real arguments where it just immediately turned into a, well, I disagree. Well, I disagree. Well, let's fight about it. And it's We don't— we didn't have to go there. You didn't have to respond that way. You know, I was trying to be kind.

Mary Alessi:
And I will say that those moments with a wife, we're so verbal, we have a lot more to say, and we do like to stick up for ourselves and fight back or get into arguments. It's not always healthy. And men hear it disrespectfully. How do we hear? And how important is respect? This is my second to the last question.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
How do we feel disrespected? Because I know it's very different than men, but how do you think women feel disrespected?

Richelle Alessi:
When you don't feel heard.

Mary Alessi:
When you don't feel heard.

Richelle Alessi:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That's it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And when you're like shot down.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I think it's that quick, like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Like that.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, cuz, cuz we'll have those moments where it's like, we'll be with his family and I'll say something, he'll go, nah, nah. And you've always told me like, and, and in a normal way, guys change when you're married. He never did that when we were engaged. We got married, he did that to me one time and I was like.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
That age you just, and then everybody.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Moved on from the conversation. I'm like, what? That like grinds my gears. Or if like you, you like kind of make fun of what I'm saying, like, uh-huh. Like, you don't, you don't get that. It's all right.

Mary Alessi:
And that's where the double standard will come in.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Mm-hmm.

Mary Alessi:
Which is what I meant by that. Like, if I did that to you, yes. And to have to learn that he wouldn't and I wouldn't, cuz we're different.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
We're just different. But how do, how do you see respect from a woman's perspective?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I want to be heard, but also I want certain things that I say or I do to be taken more seriously.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
We talked about this, that it is just like statistically across the board, men don't really take their wives seriously sometimes, or they don't take their work seriously.

Mary Alessi:
Too well, or they make us feel that way. That might not be true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yes, you're right.

Mary Alessi:
That might not be true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
You're right. You're right.

Mary Alessi:
That's how we hear it. That's how we hear it.

Richelle Alessi:
That's true.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So like, it can go to that double standard thing where if they have a phone call, mm-hmm, then we're like, get the babies outta the room. He needs to focus. Oh, yeah. Help him out. And then if I have a work phone call, you're right. It's, it, it, I have to be like, can you please grab the cats? They're pulling my hair while I'm on.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Or he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. And that's the double standard. Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's that double standard thing.

Richelle Alessi:
That's right.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So ev— I do have to be clear about, hey, I have a very important call. Can you please take care of the kids? I have to stay here for this night. Hey, can you please help me out? And that's where just a simple, yeah, yeah, I could do it. No problem. Let's do it.

Mary Alessi:
That is all you need. The key there is not to expect him to do what you would do.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that's where it's very hard to learn that in marriage. I don't need— I can't expect that from him and go, hasn't he seen me do it? Yeah, but that's not how his brain's wired. Yeah, just go tell him.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, exactly.

Mary Alessi:
I have a call or this is going on. Don't just assume that he's copying you or he's going to model what you do because it doesn't work in reverse either. No, we don't do what they do.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
No.

Mary Alessi:
So that's important to treat each other fairly from, from the, from the perspective of what they are. But we want that too. Women need that too. Like, it might take them a little bit longer to get there, but it's— that goes back to that effort part that means so much to us when they'll come back and go, I am so sorry. I did not catch that. I was outside. You needed help. I plea— I am sorry.

Mary Alessi:
That's all we need. We will breeze right past it and not hold on to it. Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Last point.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
I'm sorry, but we're 7 minutes over. We're ladies.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
It's okay. All the girls like the conversations.

Richelle Alessi:
It's not too bad.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I do have a call that I'm very late to.

Mary Alessi:
I know. Let's go. Last question.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I have a funny story after. Go ahead, Mom.

Mary Alessi:
Intimacy and physical affection.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Everything, everything. What my husband said, the non-sexual physical touch, that changed the game for us. That we learned that in, uh, Marriage on the Rock.

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
And that changed the game, right?

Richelle Alessi:
Just a— and I am not a physical touch person. I love, like, if he did something like an action, that means a lot to me. But if there's a random day, if he just comes around and gives me a hug if I'm having a hard day, I'm like, I'm safe.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah, same.

Richelle Alessi:
So it might not be true. Even if I'm not the physical touch, I still need him. Yeah. Yes. Need like embraced by him. And that it's like, great.

Mary Alessi:
I would say if men would take away anything from this, it's this truth. Women want to feel safe.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, yeah.

Mary Alessi:
They want to feel safe. Even in the little moments we talked, we got upset, our hormones were raging, we acted like idiots. We threw something, whatever. And the fact that our husband comes around and goes, babe, it's okay. And no, we don't need them to be like our mother would be or like our sisters would be. They're not. They're not that. They're different than us.

Mary Alessi:
But we do respond so much better over the long haul when we're heard and we feel safe.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, you're right.

Mary Alessi:
Would you say that's the kind of the wrap-up of this?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
100%. That's a good one.

Mary Alessi:
Anybody?

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Can I share a funny story?

Richelle Alessi:
Yeah, go. Please do.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So I'm big on physical touch, but I'm really— I'm also big on words of affirmation.

Mary Alessi:
And you've got two.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I do have two top ones. I'm very, very needy.

Richelle Alessi:
Poor Christian.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Um, no, but something to note for the guys listening, that sarcasm and jokes at the wrong time do not make your wife feel covered or respected or heard. And so to end this— but your.

Mary Alessi:
Best friend loves that.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
But your best friend loves it.

Mary Alessi:
Your wife hates it.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
To, to wrap up this, this show, um, there was a couple days ago, by the way, context, my husband's a massive Seinfeld fan and he will, he can quote the entire show from beginning to end. And he loves to throw in little.

Mary Alessi:
Uh, lines and quotes out of nowhere and barbs. Mm-hmm.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So we are outside and I am looking at myself in the reflection. I'm wearing leggings and I'm wearing a sweater. And I look at myself in the reflection and I go, wow. Like in my head I'm like, I look really good in this reflection. Like this is, so I said, hey babe, how do I look in this? Like, I feel really good about myself.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
I look really good.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Like, What do you think? Don't ask your husband that. And he turns to me, he goes, yeah, they're skinny windows. And I was like, what?

Richelle Alessi:
And that was what I— he was.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Trying to— now he realized what he said. It's the quote of the Seinfeld episode Skinny Mirrors.

Mary Alessi:
Yes, yes, yes.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
So, uh, just know it's tone, but it's also timing and what you choose to to say, and sometimes jokes are not always convenient for your wife and helpful, and they don't make your wife feel covered or seen.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Yeah, or heard.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Thank you so much for watching.

Mary Alessi:
So go back, is that what you're telling me, Alan? And make sure you listen to the He Said portion of this so that you get to know our husbands even better. And also, it ties so beautifully into our She Said. Yeah, men and women are different. We are not the same. We never will be. And And quite frankly, we don't want to be. So we hope that you've enjoyed this episode. Share it with everybody you know.

Mary Alessi:
This really does help relationships and saves marriages. Yes, we'll see you next time.

Stephanie Alessi Muiña:
Thanks so much for joining The Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend, and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time. Because family is everybody's business.