What HE Said: 10 Things Men Wish Their Wives Understood

Steve Alessi:
Complement that more and more. So in areas where I'm proud of her, I try to articulate that. And the problem is, the more you do that, this is a problem. That's like all you start to notice. And now you're like, wait, I'm consumed with that, that she's doing this and she's doing that. And you become so focused on that that you start to realize as time goes on, Dang, I can't live without that. Hello and welcome to another episode of The Family Business with the Alessis. Today we are loaded up in the podcast booth and we think what we're going to be sharing is going to be pretty cool for our audience.

Steve Alessi:
We're glad that you get to join us. If you like what you're listening to, hearing, we're going to encourage you to make sure you like it, and then you got to go ahead and share it with as many people as you know. Thank you so much for allowing us to be over 200 episodes, and great things are happening with our podcast. We're getting great reports, and today you are going to love what we are dealing with. It's kind of a he said, she said but not really, because all you're going to hear about is what we say today. Now, there is another episode with these 3 guys that are with me in the podcast booth. If you're not watching, you're listening. I have with me to my far right my son Christopher Alessi.

Steve Alessi:
Next to him is Christopher Moinia. And then right next to me on a leash is Christian Coladaud. We've got a son and 2 son-in-law's in the booth. They just did one recently on hunting.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah, and his introduction to the family— and yeah, it really is his introduction to the family business podcast.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, that was exciting. How you forgot your phone bright and early.

Christian:
I did, I did forget my phone.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, that was a great one. That showed Muña's humor. That was one of the few times—.

Christian:
Not my brightest moment, but you know, your slowest. My slowest, actually.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah, it was 5 AM, so It was 5 AM.

Christian:
I will say, I will say, to my defense, I wanted to put this out there. I was the first one downstairs that morning. I will put that out there. But that was the last— I did leave my phone.

Chris Alessi:
Which only means it took you the most possible time to remember my phone.

Christian:
Yeah, yeah, not good.

Steve Alessi:
All right, guys, this is gonna be fun today. Um, I have to be honest, this is not my idea. This is Mary's idea. And maybe she's just trying to get into your brain. Maybe she wants to know how you're going to treat her.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah, my sisters are actually behind all of this.

Steve Alessi:
Daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Okay, so yes, this is kind of interesting. I have my birth son married to Rachelle, and then I have two son-in-laws. This is cool. So, Mwinyi, you're married to Stephanie. How long have you been married now?

Christopher Muiña:
We're going on 5 years this June.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Chris, how long you been married?

Chris Alessi:
5 years in a week.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. So how long— how far apart were your two weddings?

Chris Alessi:
4 months.

Steve Alessi:
Cha-ching! That made us broke. Okay. You've been married for how long?

Christian:
4 months yesterday. Wow. 4 months yesterday.

Steve Alessi:
Congratulations.

Chris Alessi:
Gabby's back there. Happy 4-month anniversary, Gabby.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
It's exciting.

Christian:
But you got another one coming up.

Steve Alessi:
In April too, so it's— Right on the heels of yours. It's still hot and heavy. We got April. But the podcast booth isn't big enough for Daniel just yet. All 5 of us, it's not tall enough either. Wow. Well, this is pretty cool because we're going to be talking about how you treat your wife, Chris, and my daughters. So this is at least— it's gonna be fun.

Steve Alessi:
This will be interesting. And I'm glad the newest one is up close to me in the podcast booth. Uh, we do have, I believe, uh, the ladies listening in on the other side, and they're not listening at all. Can you see? Yeah, they're doing all the talking over there themselves. We a mic just for them. We'd love to get their comments.

Chris Alessi:
Well, they're going to have an episode.

Steve Alessi:
Their sighs of relief.

Chris Alessi:
They're going to have an episode responding to this.

Steve Alessi:
They are.

Chris Alessi:
So there is a he said and she said.

Steve Alessi:
Very good.

Chris Alessi:
So no more attention on them. They'll have their time. All right.

Steve Alessi:
So, um, I want you to be honest. I want you to try to not see me as your family member here. We, we got to put it out there. We're going to help people understand the mindset of a man. And hopefully we can do that as it pertains to the relationship that you're in. So, uh, let's start right off the bat, and, and we're gonna just throw it out there. Everybody can answer, and, and let's just have fun with this. All right, so the first question, which by the way has come from Mary— she's put these questions together for us here— so here's the deal.

Steve Alessi:
It says, when you go quiet, what's really happening in your mind? All right. So she has a follow-up to that. Have you actually ever been thinking about nothing?

Chris Alessi:
So I think because I was raised with so many women, I'm a little different. If I'm quiet, I am either more tired than I can explain or I am more angry than I have ever been. But that doesn't last long because I'll be very quick to start being— to start talking again. But I know you guys are probably different.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah, I think if, if Steph and I are having like a discussion or even an argument and I go quiet, that's when I'll go to like process and really think about just the whole situation. Maybe think how to fix this, think how I want to respond, think how I shouldn't respond. Then the other question is, are there times where our mind is a blank, where we're not thinking about anything?

Christian:
Yes, absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
So it's not necessarily just because you're ticked or you've been arguing. You're just quiet. Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Like you said earlier when we were off camera, if we're driving down the road, it sometimes is just white noise.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And it's the beautiful sound of silence.

Chris Alessi:
It drives me crazy.

Christian:
It is incredible. The one thing with Gabby and I is Gabby in the morning, and I'm sure you two probably know there's a.

Steve Alessi:
Reason her name is Gabby.

Christian:
Yeah, she is gabbing in the morning. She wakes up and she's just a million miles an hour, like talking about, you know, what she's going to do today. And then she'll get through all of that and then ask me what I'm going to do today. I'm like, well, I'm just going to work, you know, like, and we're complete opposites in the morning. We're in the morning, I'm quiet. I just like to be quiet, just like my alone time, not alone time, but to be with her. And she's like, what are you, what are you thinking about? You know, what are you doing? I'm like, just getting ready for the day. And but she is a million miles an hour in the morning.

Christian:
She'll, she'll let it ride there.

Chris Alessi:
So, well, so the point here is just because like, I know for a fact I assume if people are quiet that they're stewing and they're angry and they're mad at me. Men aren't like that. Like, we, we— if we're quiet, we're not stewing, we're just, just quiet.

Steve Alessi:
Truth is, I, I think the question for Christopher is, are you ever quiet?

Chris Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Because you have a tendency to carry the conversation. Actually, what's really cool in the household was that Mary's talking, Chris is talking, and Gabby's talking. Stephanie, she can put in there. She likes to get in there. Good conversation. Lauren and I are sitting back judging you guys like you wouldn't believe. Like, why are they saying that?

Christian:
So how is it now with just Pastor Mary? Just Pastor Mary talking?

Steve Alessi:
Well, you know, the other day she did— she, she seemed to accuse me of being on my computer more than listening to her. And I thought to myself, she's right. This one I got. But after a while you'll see you start missing the chatter. So you're appreciative of the person that talks a lot in your life. That's not bad.

Chris Alessi:
The longer I'm married, the quieter I am getting. And the more Marino talks, the more I'm like, we need silence in this home.

Steve Alessi:
All right, help me out here, Marino. What makes you feel appreciated?

Christopher Muiña:
I think when Steph she knows me. And when she does things that she knows that I like, whether it's having a night in, like watching a movie night, the four of us, or just goes out of her way specifically knowing I will appreciate this. Yeah, it would be something like that. More actions than words. She tells me nice things and compliments me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And I like it, but it doesn't really— I don't remember it as long. It doesn't sink in as much as like an action or something that is specifically geared towards me that she only knows that I appreciate or like. That's cool.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, Christian?

Christian:
Yeah, I think it's kind of the same thing where, you know, it's— she can compliment me and say nice things, and that's awesome. You know, that makes you feel appreciated, but it's really about the actions, you know, and You know, even last night we, we were just sitting there, we were watching our show and just sitting there and being with her was awesome. And I feel appreciated when she just wants to sit with me and watch a show that she might not want to watch, right? It might be my show, but she's watching with me and enjoying it. And, you know, we have dinner. So when she kind of like lets me do what, what we want to do, like I want to do with her, that's always where I feel, you know, I feel appreciated like that. Yeah, similar.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, son?

Chris Alessi:
Well, she had just walked into the back. I really appreciate when she enjoys the thing I enjoy, just even if it's temporarily.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
Like, I know you don't care to watch this football game, but like, I want to talk about what's going on. Just show that you're interested in my conversation. That makes me feel good. But the, the physical touch that I don't ask for that she just like, you know, reaching over and putting her hand on my back when we're in it. That, that right there can refill my tank in seconds. If we are watching a show and she'll just like lean over and put her hand on me or something, I mean, that, that means the world to me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. It's funny because you were the guy that would never let me rub your arm or your mom rub your back. You were like, no, you'd get up kind of like Marino. Yeah. All right, so that's sweet. She's stepping in and filling the role that your mom once tried to fill. That's weird.

Chris Alessi:
Welcome into my personal world.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, there's a lot that's going to be aired on this one, buddy. I've been waiting for this one. Let me ask you this. So do you like it when she texts you anything, like in the middle of the day? Does that make you feel pretty good just to say, hey, man, appreciate you, love you, you look great today? Smell good.

Christian:
Well, I love that because I don't— obviously I'm not here every day, so I'm not seeing her, whereas you guys work with your wives. Like, so it's always awesome when she just shoots me a text, hey, I love you, hey, I miss you. Yeah, you know, and I'm hustling and bustling and doing my thing, and it's just like a— it's a nice reminder of what you have at home, you know, coming back to. So that's always a— I love that, I love that.

Steve Alessi:
Does that make you feel good?

Christopher Muiña:
The text for me, not so much.

Steve Alessi:
It's words. I want actions.

Christopher Muiña:
There's something about me and like phones and stuff. I prefer in-person, real life. Yeah. Somebody's gonna wish me happy birthday and they know they're gonna see me that day. Tell me in person.

Steve Alessi:
Just make a note of that, Christian.

Christopher Muiña:
Just the way I've always been. If I can, if I could stay away from this, yeah, then I prefer that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Stay, stay there because there'll be a day when you argue over that and it's better because you could actually get your point across without getting interrupted. Go.

Chris Alessi:
Well, I just know I have to make sure I text Christian every day now.

Steve Alessi:
I appreciate it. We're in the middle of the day. You're the only one not here today, son. Sorry about that. We're eating lunch. We're going to go get ice cream.

Chris Alessi:
I haven't seen you today, but I'm sure your hair looks great. For me, we're together all the time, but it is really nice when we're not together and she's not texting in other group chats, but she is texting me. Like, that'll make me feel like, okay, that's good. She's thinking about me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, that's good. All right. Not that it happens often, but when your spouse is upset with you, what's your first instinct?

Christian:
There's a 5-letter word that's magical, and it's a 5-letter word that no guy wants to say to their wife, right? But sometimes they have to say it. Sometimes they have to go out of their way and say it. And when you say it, the wife receives it in a great way. It's relax. You tell your wife when she's upset.

Chris Alessi:
Tell her to relax. Just relax.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, just relax.

Christian:
It's a 5-letter word. It's magical. You remember that Aaron Rodgers, uh, video?

Chris Alessi:
R-E-L-A-X. Oh my God, that's hilarious.

Christian:
So that's what I try to tell her, and then I say sorry after that.

Steve Alessi:
You set that up so good.

Chris Alessi:
You really did. All right, so I roll over and shove my belly and say I'm sorry. I'm just— I'm very It is not worth it. I— it— her being mad at me, I don't— it— if it is a righteous reason and I know that this is my role as a man, I have to move this moment into this direction. And if you're not okay with it, fine. I will sleep just fine that night. But if it's because I overreacted to something or because my driving on the way home was a little too crazy, whatever it is, I'm just quick to go, all right, get it over with. I'm so sorry, whatever it is.

Chris Alessi:
And I think I'm quick to tell myself to relax because I just— I stew. If I am quiet, I'm mad. So it's like, just roll over, show your belly. I am what's wrong with the world. You are right. Like, I'm sorry.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. 2 days later, you finally get that reality when she's ticked.

Chris Alessi:
No, no, you've learned instant— oh.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. A quick answer turns away wrath.

Chris Alessi:
I will literally see, because her personality tends to lean more towards the quiet processor. So that's why when we were dating, I thought she wanted to dump me on multiple occasions because she'll just go quiet, like in protest.

Steve Alessi:
I can't wait for her answer.

Chris Alessi:
Oh, it's going to be great. You know, when we would date, she really thought it was appropriate. In the middle of a fight to be like, I'm going to process this and we'll talk about it in 2 or 3 days.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And we have a whole date left. What are we going to do?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
So no, that didn't work.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, Moony?

Christopher Muiña:
I have 2 different strategies with this.

Steve Alessi:
Strategy.

Christopher Muiña:
1, if she's not mad at me, she's mad at maybe somebody else or in a situation, I stay away. I just get away. Strategy 2, if she's mad at me or we're in an argument, then we both have to come to the conclusion of, all right, we're ready to put our dukes down. And usually like a touch of the hand or a pat on the back or something like that just to initiate like peace. That would be strategy too. And then we both resolve.

Steve Alessi:
Oh my gosh, I just love that. I don't know if that's instinctual. That has been learned. You had to learn that. You have somehow— you're the Rochelle. You've processed in your mind how I'm going to deal with her anger, and you've come up with those two solutions. Oh my gosh, that's pretty good though.

Chris Alessi:
No, I have made Rochelle mad by thinking she was mad and she wasn't. And as I pry because I can't stand it, then I, I make her mad.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, you are a complex person. Yeah. And your mom and I have known that your entire life, and that's, that's kind of— we need to get you.

Christian:
Guys— did I just experience the famed complice?

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Christian:
You are a complex person.

Chris Alessi:
Uh, Alan, please, please put it on the agenda to get the Moenas and the Kalatiyud's parents in here, just so some of their, you know— Oh, you're crazy.

Steve Alessi:
All right, here's another one. Uh, we'll go back to Chris. Uh, what motivates you more, encouragement or correction?

Chris Alessi:
Encouragement. Don't correct me. Yeah, from— oh gosh, no, it's encouragement.

Steve Alessi:
Does she know how to do that?

Chris Alessi:
Yeah, she's processed quietly, and she's actually very encouraged. I'm actually very lucky. She's a very encouraging person. And whenever we do have to process conflict, I'm singing her praises because I'm not like this. She will come to the table with an I'm sorry, and here's what I did first. She's not even thinking about what I've done. So when she encourages, she's very quick to come and encourage, and I'm very lucky. Yeah, if she needs to correct me, she does it in such an encouraging way that I don't notice until like 2 or 3 days pass.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah, I'm normally telling the story of what she said to me, and in the middle I go, oh my God, she was correcting me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Oh gosh. Like, oh, well, you think after being raised in my home you would know the difference between— No, because you see.

Chris Alessi:
Because your, your correction was so clearly correction that before you said anything, I already knew what was coming and put my dukes up. And you would never touch my hand, you know, and I couldn't stay away.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, Mooney?

Christopher Muiña:
I think encouragement for sure.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
And Steph does a really good job at this, not, not getting into the— she never wants to be my mom. She never tries to correct me. And I think her and I are also always in the mindset of we're raising two toddlers, so we're always correcting them that with each other it's like, don't encourage, don't correct me.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
Like use encouragement to get your point across.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, that's awesome. How about you, Christian?

Christian:
Yeah, I think it's a consensus. I mean, I'd rather not receive correction, but, um, it's funny because it's, it's different between a romantic relationship and then my relationships that I have outside of that, whether it be work or, you know, used to being an athlete. Uh, it was correction. That's how I take it the best. That's how what motivates me. But when it's in within a romantic relationship, you know, whenever it's correction, it almost can come across as a, a thought like almost like a thought process that is superior, you know, whereas an encouragement always comes off as, I want to be better together. And that's kind of the biggest thing. So, but it's interesting because it's, it's different for me.

Christian:
Outside of that, I love correction. Inside of that, I love when she encourages me. And Gabby does a great job of that too.

Steve Alessi:
From the sports perspective, we had no problem when a coach would correct. Yeah, we didn't like it because we were embarrassed, called out in front of everybody. Doggone it, let the woman that seems to love us the most say something to us and want to coach us, we take it as correction.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And then our ego gets the best of us there, I think.

Chris Alessi:
Well, I, I don't even know if it's just ego, because I do think it's supposed to be your safe place, and it's kind of like, I don't need the world to believe in me as long as you do.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And the way that a man's brain will work is we do process everything through the lens of respect, and it doesn't have to be disrespect. There's a lot of gray between respect and disrespect. And if the— if you don't have and possess a respect for me as my wife, well, then it empties my tank and I am not able to handle whatever else is in the world. But when you go home and your wife encourages you, it's like, I can handle the coach, I can handle the boss, I can handle whatever comes my way because the person that I am one with believes in me.

Christian:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And I think that it's true.

Steve Alessi:
All right, Moenia, how important is it for you to make my daughter— excuse me, your wife happy?

Christopher Muiña:
I think we're, we're in the most in sync or in harmony when I'm making her happy.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Christopher Muiña:
It's not like the end-all be-all. Like, there are times where things need to get happen or we need to get our, our things lined up and it might cause some unhappiness in the moment.. But ultimately, all in all, my goal in life is to make her happy and to please her, give her the things she wants and, and the desires of her heart, in a sense.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, Christian?

Christian:
Yeah, I agree. I mean, it's my chief, chief concern, right? Making sure that she's happy, making sure that she's— and I'm not saying this because you're my father-in-law next to me, right? But like, you know, it's, it's the old moniker, happy wife, happy life. Um, and you say that like people usually say that in the sense of, well, I just want my wife to be on me, I want her to be happy, so I'll just make her happy and, you know, I'll have a good life. But in reality, it's exactly what you said, you know, it's, it's, it's an essence of harmony when she can be happy and you can find happiness in different things together. Um, and I'm blessed that Gabby loves football, you know, like we— that, like, it's not even a sticking point. Monday night— you taught her well— Monday.

Chris Alessi:
Night Football's on him. This is me.

Christian:
Oh Lord, I don't know, she said she likes watching football with her dad.

Chris Alessi:
She does, but go back to why she started watching. It's because of me.

Steve Alessi:
Continue.

Chris Alessi:
Sorry, I needed that one.

Christian:
That's for me.

Chris Alessi:
That encouraging to me.

Christian:
But, uh, but no, I like, you know, it's, it's just, it makes— I think that's a great word for it. It makes life more harmonious. It's just there's a harmony that comes that is just— it's a blessing, you know.

Christopher Muiña:
It really is like a trickle-down. And as long as her and I are in a, in happy and in a good season, everything else in life kind of just falls into place.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. How about you, Bob?

Chris Alessi:
I, I would agree. It's my chief concern. And I, I'd like what Melina said though, because we're actually in a season now where I've kind of had to disrupt her happiness short term, because I know, you know, that improving our circumstances are going to make her even more happy. And because they view everything through a lens of safety, the minute you're like, hey, we're going to sell this place, and we're going to go move in with my parents, you know, it becomes a, well, I don't get the safety that I'm used to having. And that can create moments of unhappiness. But it's like, no, no, no, the goal here is to make you happier. And to recognize there was a, there was an expiration date on your happiness where we were. And so it is weird how I will even— I think all of us will, will take on seasons of, okay, you're not going to be the happiest right now, but it's because it's going to lead to being happy.

Chris Alessi:
And I learned that from you every time you've said whenever we needed to expand our life, that Mom wasn't always initially on board, which doesn't mean we should go and do the things they're not on board for. But when you know this is what our family will need. It's like, okay, this is what will make them happy, which is why I'm going to put everything into it.

Steve Alessi:
So no, I, I like the place this question comes from, and the reason is because, like he said, Christian, some guys will think, if I can just keep her happy, then, you know, I'm good, right? And they back off and they go ahead and do whatever they got to do. So maybe they live almost certain secret life over here. They're just kind of placating the wife. But what we're sensing, especially because of what we do as a family and in ministry, our business, we can't fake it. If she's not happy, it tells on us. And it diminishes our ability to lead other people from the platform that we are able to use to help people and encourage them. Because that that, that spouse actually has to be happy. And one of the ways that you see them happy is this, this carefree aspect of them where they're, they're not burdened, they're not carrying the weight of responsibility of their life, their work, their kids, and then their marriage.

Steve Alessi:
So in that sense, it's a good thing that we have the mindset that, all right, that is my chief calling. That is what I need to be focused on. And yes, decisions that we make will always be tempered with how's she gonna feel about this? We have to. Of course. Every bit of it. Now it doesn't mean that if she's not on board right away that we don't move forward. As long as it's not coming from a very selfish place. It's like some guys, they'll go out and blow a ton of money on things that they want, on the car that they want, on, on the hobbies that they, they have, on the, the jewelry that they want.

Steve Alessi:
They'll do it for themselves and not even think about how is this going to affect my spouse? Because if I'm going to be blowing this much money on me, I got to level the playing field somewhere and be fair. I got to be spending that much money on her. So when we're talking about doing these things, there is a gift that you give yourself when you do focus on making her happy because of the just the principle. That what you do for her is going to come back and reward you in a really good way. All right. Protector, provider. All right. In this case, do you feel the pressure as the spouse to provide for her and to protect her? And if so, how do you go about doing that, balancing that out?

Christian:
Yeah. You know, I think that's the one thing that every husband, everybody that's taking care of a family goes to sleep thinking about and wakes up thinking about.

Steve Alessi:
You of all people. Yeah, for sure.

Christian:
Me, yeah. I have an alarm. I have— I'd lock my door when I go to sleep with her inside, obviously. And then we, we keep the, uh, we keep the closet door, uh, open so that it can— even if you can unlock the door, you can't get in because of the closet door. So we got a lot of different systems at the house. But, um, you know what, so don't break it. Don't reveal it, right? Oh, I can reveal them. You can't break in.

Christian:
It's impossible. But, um, but no, it's That's when it comes to protecting, you know, it's—.

Steve Alessi:
And by the way, you're in a gated community.

Christian:
I am in a gated community too, but our backside is whatever it is. But, um, you know, the, the biggest thing is providing. And, you know, it's— I work in sales, I work in going out there, and literally it's 90% you're getting told no, 90% of the time, probably more, 95% of the time. And but that 1, 2, 3, 4 yeses that you do get really makes it so that you, you can have— you can be a provider, you know, to her. And and be able to provide. And that is a lot of pressure. And, you know, how does that show up? It's, it's being— in my case, it's being willing to put yourself out there, to be told no and be rejected so many times that, you know, you can go out and, and provide for her and, and vice versa, you know, for her. So, wow.

Steve Alessi:
Well, the longer you stay married, the more accustomed to no you're gonna get. So you're in a great profession. You're learning here from Chris. What about you, bud?

Chris Alessi:
You know, Rochelle and I had a conversation about the house that we just sold that was very eye-opening for both of us. You know, I had really felt like there was this expiration date, and I felt every time I walked into the house, I started to— I heard the clock, and she really didn't. And I was having to tell her. I'd watch Marino run through our little house. It was tiny. And it hit me in such a personal way that I haven't provided more for him. And it was like everything I saw in that house became a sign of what I haven't provided yet. And I think it's important for, like, my wife to know and other people to know, like, men live with that.

Chris Alessi:
Like, their, their identity is in what can I make happen for my family? And so that, that's really all I'm thinking about. And then speaking of, you know, protecting, well, sleep is not the same even before kids, because now it's like you're in your house by yourself and you're thinking, man, if something goes on, it's me. Like, it is me. And then you introduce kids to that. And I remember the day that Christian first felt that because, you know, they had just gotten married and he wanted to have their own space, but their house wasn't ready yet. So they used the RV and that.

Christian:
Lasted what, 3 nights?

Steve Alessi:
And why was that?

Christian:
Because it was— we were in, uh, we were staying at Dayland and there's.

Chris Alessi:
No way to use the cabinets to the doors.

Christian:
No, no, that was, that was spooky. I was texting my cop guys, hey, can you pass by at 2 AM? Just, just say hi.

Chris Alessi:
The burden, I mean, it feels, it feels real, and it was— it's insane. It's, it's what we're always thinking about.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, Marie?

Christopher Muiña:
I think it's also just instinctual in the back of our mind. Every one of us, probably before we go shut down the house, we walk, check every door, make sure all the lights are off. I probably get up 3 times a night. One is to refill Gia's bottle., and then the other 2 would be because I hear something that I don't like and I just want to walk the house. So I'm up all the time, but it's just in the back of my— even if we're like, hey, we want to go eat at a restaurant, I don't want to go to that area because it's not the greatest area after, you know, 9 or 10 o'clock at night. It's true. I'd rather go here. Like, not every decision that we make, but a lot of, a lot of the decisions we make have that in the back of our mind of, are we going to be safe here?

Chris Alessi:
Yeah, that's a big deal actually, because certain social places, like we went to the HIKM a while back. It is different now. Like, I used to go and just really enjoy the event. And if I go with my friends, it's amazing.

Christian:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
But when I am going with my pregnant wife, it's like, I don't, I don't even know if I enjoy this because my mind is constantly on, is she okay? I can't control this environment. And that's, it's different.

Steve Alessi:
Well, I get up at night too. Mine's to go to the bathroom though, so it does change as you get older. All right, what makes you feel respected, Chris Alessi? Um.

Chris Alessi:
You know, I, I think this is something my wife has, has had to, had to kind of learn. She likes to do this thing where, because she's a silent processor, she'll just like wake up in the middle of a car ride and go, I've made these 5 decisions, and I'll be like.

Steve Alessi:
What.

Chris Alessi:
Like, the night on a Saturday night, Marina was, I think, 2 months old. We're driving home and she's like, he's going in the kids ministry tomorrow. And I remember saying, okay, I agree, but I don't like the fact that you got all the way to decision without involving me. And it was like crazy how even though I agreed with that decision, I felt a little bit disrespected that I wasn't involved in the process. So I definitely think Uh, when she comes to me and is like, this is what I'm thinking— not that she's got to submit it, but like, throw it up, what do you think?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And I, I think that definitely makes me feel respected, that, yeah, she'd think about me and what I think. Um, you know, even before she makes plans, like, we're not the kind of people that will like make plans and then tell each other, hey, this is what I'm doing. It's more Hey, I'd like to go do this. I've talked to the guys. We can do it at this time. Does that work for you? And it's— we don't have a culture where if it doesn't work for her, I don't do it. We have a culture of let's talk about it before I land on it.

Christian:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And so that's been something that makes me feel respected when she does the same.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, Moynihan?

Christopher Muiña:
I think similar when, when my voice or my opinion about something is really the most important to her. Not necessarily we have to do it all the time, but that she holds what I have to say or my decision-making up here, you know, and it's always up for conversation. But, but yeah, kind of like what you're saying.

Steve Alessi:
And that, I'm sure, is a challenge because you work with her father all the time and you're hearing from the father and mother all the time about decisions or choices. And the worst is if she ever lets her father make you feel like her father's voice carries more weight than your own voice.

Christopher Muiña:
Well, after 5 years, in the beginning of our marriage, that was like she had to see the evidence of my decisions play out. In order for— pretty much gain her respect in a sense. Yeah. Especially in the beginning. Yeah. Now after 5 years, it's not that long, but I think now we have a little bit more rapport with each other. Yeah. Where it's like, okay, she's under— he's thinking this.

Christopher Muiña:
It's played out in the past. Not that every decision I make is going to play out well. There's mistakes, but at least there's some rapport there now.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. How about you, Christian?

Christian:
Yeah. You know, I mean, I think what we're kind of learning is that all guys think rather similarly because I think it's the same thing. And a good way to flesh out respect and how I feel respected is when it's— especially being newly married, you're still, you still almost feel the residue of, well, I can kind of do whatever I want when I want because I'm, I'm either engaged or I'm just dating in terms of hanging out with friends, in terms of making plans that exclude her, and vice versa with her. So, you know, when I feel respected is really when she shares those things with me, even yesterday, you know, she's planning a movie day with her girls. She doesn't just plan it and tell me, hey, you know, this is— we're doing this on President's Day. It's more of, hey, can we do this on President's Day? You know, and it's not about, you know, like you said, it's not about me saying, oh yes, you can, or no, you can't.

Chris Alessi:
Granting permission.

Christian:
Yeah, it's not granting permission, but it is bringing me in on the discussion. It is bringing me in of, oh no, you know, I thought we're going to do this or that. So That makes me feel respected because it also makes us feel like one. We're making these decisions together. We're not making these decisions separately. And similar to what you said, and I think I'm in that stage now of, you know, making decisions for our family and different things where it is that the dynamic makes it unique. I wouldn't say, you know, it makes it difficult, but it makes it unique more than anything, just with, you know, the family business and the church. But it's about gaining that respect and building on it, which the onus is on me for that, you know, to make the right decision, to make the right call, to submit to things that I might have to submit to, not to her, but, you know, to the family or to whatever.

Christian:
So the right processes, the right processes. So it's unique and it's difficult. But in the meantime, what really makes me feel respected is when we do have those decisions together and it's not unilateral.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. It's funny because you and Gabby have pretty much known each other your entire lives. Yeah, we've got pictures of y'all in the children's ministry when you were kids. So you took a while even after you started dating. You were engaged for a good period of time and now you're married. So it seems like it could be a— excuse me— an easier, seamless integration together on things like that.

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
To be able to help come together, make a decision. Moinia, good God, 2 weeks into his dating relationship, he was already pushing engagement ring across the table to marry her. They jumped on it quick. He came out of nowhere and swept her off her feet, and the 2 of them end up getting married just about a year and some months later. So you could see how every situation— you've known, you knew Rachelle for 10 years in the church before you married her. You could see how in this right here, this particular question, which I think the way you answered it, being included in decisions and the power that the weight that your voice has in that relationship is huge for men. Every, every guy has that issue. So to recognize that at different seasons of your life, it's okay that you process that my, my, my voice is getting heavier and heavier and heavier with them because I am proving myself.

Steve Alessi:
They have been, one, independent thinkers. Two, they may have had a strong father or mother that poured into them, which made them feel like that voice has brought them to where they're at. That makes total sense. But then as time goes on, you can't be married for 10 years and all this and still have a father figure or a mother figure or some other figure speaking and carrying more weight in the relationship than you do. That's, that's the becoming one. And it is becoming one. You're not just one overnight. You become one.

Steve Alessi:
So I appreciate your response to that. Now, big one. How important is physical affection to you? Christian?

Christian:
I mean, it's important to me. I wouldn't say it's my, you know, love language. I don't even know the 5 love languages. I know there's 5, but But, um, but I would say it's important to and, me, you know, Gabby's great at it. And obviously there's a physicality that comes with marriage, but even apart from that, it's a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back. And I love what you said, and I agree with it. Um, when— especially when you're in an argument or where things are tense and there's a lot of tension, just a pat on the back or just a— and you're not talking, you know, you might just both be processing quietly, but you don't even have to initiate it with a word. And you initiate it with just a touch and it can go either way, it kind of just breaks down everybody's barriers.

Christian:
And now we can have just a reasonable conversation about it. So I feel like that's where physical affection really comes into play in our relationship, because when we do have those tense moments, we can just put a hand on each other and it's like, it's like a peace offering, you know.

Chris Alessi:
Like I'm still here.

Christian:
Yeah. And then sometimes I put a hand on her, she doesn't really reciprocate. I'm like, okay, I know she's still—.

Steve Alessi:
Especially Gabby, because Gabby is the affection. She likes that affection.

Christopher Muiña:
She does.

Steve Alessi:
That's the father-in-law. Son, how important is affection to you?

Chris Alessi:
It's everything.

Steve Alessi:
Intimacy, affection. All.

Chris Alessi:
No, it is everything. And it's actually something that, because of Rachelle's personality, doesn't come naturally to her. So it was weird for the first couple of years kind of saying, hey, I need this. But I do remember a Jordan Peterson comment he made once about having to teach your spouse how to love you. And then asking them to teach you how to love them. And I need that physical affection. Yeah, I need it. I need— I need you to put your hand on my back.

Chris Alessi:
If I'm driving, it's a 30-minute drive and you don't touch me at any point in that drive, then I feel like we're boats passing in the night. Like we're just— we're just roommates driving. But I really do appreciate The physical affection, the intimacy, that's everything.

Steve Alessi:
How about you, Moeen?

Christopher Muiña:
Same. It has to be a part of our everyday life. Just simple things. And I like to receive it, but I have to remind myself, hey, give that as well. What do they say? The non-sexual physical touch is important for them. And it has to always be like a reminder in my mind of, hey, just scratch your back. Or put my hand on her knee or hold her hand, things like that, is a constant reminder.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Well, they do tell us that right there does help us lead up to And that. it's foreplay all day long. All those little moments where you do lean in and touch and kiss and compliment them, all of that just leads into the more intimate, healthy intimate. Intimate environment. And this is really weird talking about this in front of all of you on so many levels. How proud of you are you of your, of your wife? How proud are you of your wife, and how often do you let her know it, Chris?

Chris Alessi:
I am crazy proud of her, and I really try to tell her, uh, but because I'm such a word person, I have to learn how to show her that without words. So like, she's not really a gift person, but when I go out of my way to buy something for her, it's like— because I could tell her every day, but I— it's probably too much.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
For her, it's more like, okay, I get it. You just want me to smile. So I've had to really go, no, if I really want to show her I appreciate her, I've got to I've got to take it up a notch and do things for her because I am proud of her, the way she's taken challenges on and coming alongside this family. You know, her, her experiences are not unlike yours, but as a woman, it's totally different for her to come into this family and what it means and the way she takes on her pregnancies and continues to stay involved at work and makes no excuses. Like, she's just— yeah, she's probably a better worker than me. She's phenomenal.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. How about you, Moynihan?

Christopher Muiña:
Definitely. I am very proud of her. I have to be more intentional about letting her know, like simple things of, hey, this dinner was amazing, or, hey, you're doing a great job of taking care of our home and our kids. The other night we were watching music videos on YouTube and all the kids, Gia and Matthew, were there. And I put on one of her music videos that she did because I wanted the kids to see, hey, look at Mom, she's on TV too.

Chris Alessi:
Oh, that's so cool.

Christopher Muiña:
Know, You so just being more intentional about letting her know that in ways that are not always with words. Yeah, it's huge. Yeah, because I am.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, that shows.

Christian:
Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I, I try to tell Gabby as much as possible in the little things, you know, dinner, small things like that. But even in, you know, the way that she— the weight that she carries here at Metro, and, uh, you know, what she carries in the youth group. But it's, it's, it's interesting, like, obviously I have not experienced the pride that I can experience in, in a wife as you guys have because they have given you, you know, children, and they've— we've had children with them. And I you think, know, one of the, the things I have, like, know, you if you want to call it this, pre-Pride about is how Gabby is with the nieces, with the nephews, how she's going to be as a mother and, and, you know, taking care of the home with babies and doing all of it. Um, because, you know, in a very real way, I've seen her give birth, right, to to a, a ministry, to a youth ministry in COVID and different things, and coming out of that. Um, so it really is unique because I'm like, man, I'm gonna be able to see her give birth to a child. And, and that's something of— if you want to call it pre-Pride, I have.

Chris Alessi:
Um, it's Pride on layaway.

Christian:
It's Pride on layaway. And it's, it's going to be something really cool. So, but I'm extremely proud of her.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, good. Glad to hear y'all say that.

Chris Alessi:
All right, are you proud of Mom?

Steve Alessi:
Oh my gosh, I think I, uh, try to let her know that regularly. I, I love the way she And I try to articulate it. And again, somebody who's more like Moynihan here, I think it, and I haven't always been the one to say it, even though my job commands that I communicate. I can communicate it with other people, but I don't always communicate it to her. So I've had to work real hard at being intentional to say how proud I am specifically of certain things that we do. That I am actually proud of her. We don't have to make it up. But the longer we're with them and we see what they're able to do with their lives and the way that they process and fought some mind monsters over the years, the way they take care of their physical body.

Steve Alessi:
That's the thing. You know, all these years, 38 years of marriage, I personally, I'm going to bed at night. I just want to feel— I want to feel a little skin, not because it's going to lead to anything.. But I like it when she pulls those knees up right next to me and gives me a few minutes just to rub her soft thigh, because I really value how she takes care of herself. And I compliment that more and more. So in areas where I'm proud of her, I try to articulate that. And the problem is, the more you do that, this is a problem. That's like all you start to notice.

Steve Alessi:
And now you're like, wait, I'm consumed with that, that she's doing this and she's doing that. And you become so focused on that that you start to realize as time goes on, dang, I can't live without that. I can't live without her. So here's the last question. What do you wish women would understand about men? All right, what do you wish women would understand about men, wives understand about husbands?

Chris Alessi:
Chris, we have a completely different lens because even though my personality leans more towards the talkative outer processor, I still look at everything through the lens of a man, and it is not the same lens as them. So if she thinks she knows what I'm thinking. She most likely doesn't because we literally don't have the same lens.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And that's just like they— even my sisters, they don't know what I'm thinking.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
Because we have different lenses on.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. How about you?

Christopher Muiña:
Yeah, definitely that we process everything through the lens of respect and we're pretty simple. So if you— if they see— start overcomplicating things, just take a few steps back and you got us figured out.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Christian:
Yeah. You know, Pastor Murray came in here and was like, man, I love this because we're talking to all three different types of, you know, husbands. And you also talk to the different wives that have these husbands. And, you know, the one thing that I, that I see that I wish women would know and about my type of the guys that are like me, which is I'm so competitive. And I want to, like, I want to use that and I want to do that. And obviously it gets fleshed out in work, um, but whenever I— we get into an argument or different things, I really have to check myself of like, have I spent time with the guys? Have I spent time with, you know, playing sports? Or have I spent time going to the gym and, and kind of getting these things out? Um, because you really have to sometimes flesh— like almost flush it out of your system so that you don't— you aren't, you aren't competitive with her, or you aren't argumentative with her. So it really boils down to, you know, the guys need their time with guys, and they need their time doing things that guys do. Um, and that's so, so important because you're able to flush out almost all the how I talk to, to dudes and how I hang out with dudes and all of that, so that you can be a husband to your wife, you know?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Well, I will say this to you guys, all right? You need to— at Mother's Day this you need to really thank your moms. And then at Father's Day, you need to thank your dads, because each of you have parents that have hung in there. You don't have to go home to broken homes, and I'm grateful that your parents kept it together, because that's a great model for you to have, because it's my son, I'll never have to worry about a scandal of him being divorced and, um, being the leader of a ministry. And I'll never have to, as a father-in-law, ever have to deal with a broken heart of a daughter because their husband stepped out on them, hurt them, and broke the marriage. And, uh, One, my job is to make sure, you know, we never let that happen. But we have to go back and thank your parents. Your mom's helped you develop a mindset about women that is healthy, guys.

Steve Alessi:
It's healthy, and it's good. And I'm glad you're married to my daughters, and I'm glad, Chris, you're leading your family with a beautiful wife. I will say that maybe a new practice should be that every couple, they get married, they go buy their home, stay in it a few years, sell it, and then come and live with the parents for a while. Don't do it right after marriage. Take some time, develop your rhythm, then come back. Because I'll tell you, we knew you stayed in the house for how long? 2 months?

Christopher Muiña:
A month or 2? Yeah, something like 2 months.

Steve Alessi:
I was gone one of those months.

Christopher Muiña:
That's right. That's why I felt like— so that.

Steve Alessi:
Felt, uh, 2 months. Chris is in there right now about 2 weeks. 2 weeks. Your time will come.

Christian:
But, uh, we stayed there a little bit.

Steve Alessi:
No, you didn't. You ran for what, 2 nights?

Christian:
You're out of town.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, but it's great because I get to see how you interact. With, with, uh, your spouse and your kids. And I know it's pressure. That was pressure to be back in your dad's home and your in-laws' home. But it was cool to see. It was cool to see that you guys have a good rhythm about yourselves. And I know you work hard at it, and I'm very grateful. And it's very complicated too, because we, uh, work with our spouse in the ministry.

Steve Alessi:
Uh, which is why we're going to do our family retreat this weekend, and we're going to get away, and it's just going to be us. And the kids got to be taken care of, but we're going to be talking about things that we're challenged by in the ministry, working together, juggling family, juggling ministry, juggling— okay, how much time do I get to spend with my in-laws, and how much time do we get to spend with my family? How do I deal with the demands that are put on us because our lives are a glass house. Everything we do is being seen from the pulpit and platform. How do I deal with the demands of raising my kids, but yet then seeing that ministry just has so many other expectations being put on us that we really do not have the privilege of lowering our guard at any time. So we're going to be dealing with that as a family, and I'm grateful. Two last questions. How do we, one, introduce Daniel to all of this? We got a newbie coming in. You guys got to start working overtime on helping him get in the flow because he is marrying a tough one.

Steve Alessi:
Lauren is tough. Do we think he has the chops?

Christian:
I think so. I think, I think she's She's gotten less tough being with him from what I've.

Christopher Muiña:
I.

Christian:
Seen.

Christopher Muiña:
Think he balances her out well.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, you pick up that already?

Chris Alessi:
Time will tell.

Steve Alessi:
Time. Last question: what could I do for you to help you be better husbands?

Chris Alessi:
You've done great.

Steve Alessi:
What can I do to help?

Chris Alessi:
I, I gotta put some thought into that. I don't know.

Christopher Muiña:
That's a— yeah, you've done great. You've given us, uh, a good amount of space but a good amount of embrace. It's been, it's been very, very good.

Steve Alessi:
Good. Yeah, I'd say so far so good.

Christian:
Keep doing it, you know, like that's, that's the biggest thing because I, I think it's, it's beautiful to see obviously the marriage that you've created and the family that you've created, but also that it's not, you know, nothing's That's broken. right.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, we'll keep it together. All right, I got what I needed. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Respect from the men in my life. Well, I hope today this has inspired you, helped you, encouraged you, maybe even opened your eyes, educated you to what men are thinking. And all I can say is stay tuned for what the women have to say about all of this. Thanks for joining us today. Thanks so much for joining The Family Business today.

Steve Alessi:
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend, and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time, because family is everybody's business.