How Special Families Deal With Special Needs | S3 E10

Intro to SN 3, EP 10

SPEAKER_03 0:09

Welcome to another edition of the Family Business with the Alessis. And today we're going to be talking family with a great brother that is a friend and a supporter of the business that we run as the Alessis, and that is our church. And today I have a guest. His name is

Introducing Tony Villasuso

SPEAKER_03 0:30

Tony Villasuso. And Tony, I'm glad that you're here with me today. And here's what we do on this podcast: we talk about things that we don't always get around to talking about on Sunday. And so you're here. And I'd like, if I can, put a title on this. And I'm going to call it Special People Dealing with Special Needs in the Family. So you're in our church, and you and Debbie and Josh have been a part of our world for quite a long time.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

This is this at the end of March now. It'll be 12 years that we walked into it's a long time off, Pastor Steve.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

Yes, you're you got a little bit more gray hair this time.

SPEAKER_01 1:14

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

That has to do a lot with the special needs part. Well, you're you're married to Debbie. How long have you been married? Well, come this June will be 20 years. Yeah. Yeah. Let me guess.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

You're going to Disney. No. Actually, I've planned a special trip for her. Good. And I'm going to take her Does she know? And yes, she knows because there's a lot of planning that has to do. The one that doesn't know is Josh. Okay. So we're we're we're going to head off to a very special place. Within the United States, but it's a beautiful place. Yeah. Yes. Oh my gosh. When are you going? We're going to go June 28th through uh July 9th. So it's going to be a great time. It's going to be celebrating our country too in the midst of all that.

SPEAKER_03 1:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:58

Our actual anniversary is 621. So it's been 22 Valentine's this past Valentine that I've been with my uh Valentine girl.

SPEAKER_03 2:05

That's great.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

And then she's been a blessing to my life. Yeah. I don't know what I've been to her, but I've been a she has a great sense of humor.

SPEAKER_03 2:12

She's got a dry sense of humor. You don't always see it. Well, she's she's a little like Lauren in that she she's quiet, and then all of a sudden she'll come up and say something. It's like, oh, wow. And then there's the humor and love it. But you have Josh, your son. How old is Josh?

SPEAKER_01 2:28

Josh will be uh 16 coming up now, March 25th. My gosh. He's uh miracle son.

SPEAKER_03 2:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:35

For me. Yeah. Um know my past is a miracle that I have. One one kid at least, yeah. In my craziness. But uh Josh is very special, very dear to us. Yeah, and uh good kid. Yeah, part of this ministry, too.

SPEAKER_03 2:48

Yeah, he is, he is, and really the reason we're talking is because of him.

SPEAKER_01 2:53

Right.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

So uh Josh, this is for you, buddy. We're super proud of you and um proud of the young man that you are. So he's 13. I'm sorry, 16. He is gonna be 16 March 25th.

SPEAKER_01 3:04

Oh Lord, he's gonna be 16. 16 and uh still a kid at heart, but uh trying to mature, trying to get through life and all the things that teenagers go through. Yeah, well, we're doing it here.

SPEAKER_03 3:17

We've uh loved seeing him um process everything and having you here with him and Deb and the way you work with him and him being a part of our world,

Serving the Community and Your Family

SPEAKER_03 3:30

and uh he has special needs. He's a young man. Yes, and so we um we we want to talk about that before we get into the details. You also work with men that deal with a lot of challenges in their life at the Miami Rescue Mission.

SPEAKER_01 3:45

Um I've been called to to help rescue men at the Miami Rescue Mission, men and women, families. Uh, I deal with the whole gambit right now. Yeah. But uh it's been 20, 20, yes, come October will be another 22 years that I've been given my life there in the front lines on a daily basis, dealing with cases that nobody else wants to deal with in South Florida. Yes, there's other agencies, but our component is, you know, we try to offer them a lot of love and help rescue them from that love of the Lord and those kind of things that we do.

SPEAKER_03 4:18

So uh it's a good great organization to be a part of the So it's uh uh you're dealing with homelessness, you're dealing with addictions of every kind, you're dealing with abuses, and then a lot of throwaways that uh the community or people uh don't necessarily ha w want to pull in close and I think they care, but uh it's easier to to give it to uh the agency that deals with that stuff.

SPEAKER_01 4:41

So uh, you know, our our society is facing a lot of issues, we know that. Yeah, and uh through there I I get to see um men and women from every aspect, from alcohol to mental illness, on and on and on and on.

SPEAKER_03 4:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:55

And uh it gives me a perspective, even when I'm dealing with Joshua, to to overcome some things to help him overcome as well.

SPEAKER_03 5:03

Well, you're truly a hero, man. And and I mean this. I I look at uh what you deal with in your life and what you're able to manage and juggle with all that goes on just in your profession, yes, for a good eight to ten hours a day, and then you come home and you still have uh the challenges that face you with raising a special need sign.

SPEAKER_01 5:29

It's funny that we started down that avenue because um being a social worker first, I think prepared me to be a better dad for Josh later. Wow. Because uh, as you do the social work, before I had Josh, you know, you were fighting to get people help at different organizations, different places, and you gotta fill out uh um applications and you gotta fill out many things that you have to be an advocate for them. You know, some of some of the people I deal with have no insurance, no income, no money, nothing whatsoever. So when Josh came to us, you know, March 25th of 2006, we didn't know what we were gonna expect. But, you know, three and a half years later, we knew we were in a in a battle of our lives to help him be a part of uh society. So I think God play I was placed in a place where I I had schooling prior to what was coming into my life. Wow. God prepared you in advance. In in a way, yes. If I look at it now from from this day and age to back then, it's it's all been step by step.

SPEAKER_03 6:40

Yeah. Um Josh was three years old when you started to

Dealing with the Diagnosis of Autism

SPEAKER_03 6:45

realize something was uh different.

SPEAKER_01 6:47

God bless my sister. She kept uh her name is Livia, she kept telling us, you know, you need to you need to get an evaluation, you need to get evaluation. So at three and a half around there, we decided to to take Josh for an evaluation. And uh we got the news that I didn't believe her, that I didn't want to accept, that I didn't want to uh I wanted to raise my child in little league baseball and and doing all the things, and uh it was a rude awakening that day, not in a bad way. It was like, you know, my social service hat went on, okay? And I started fighting since the moment we found out he was diagnosed with Asperger's. Um it's uh it's under the umbrella of autism. And I didn't know what the heck this was. I just I just knew that, you know, it wasn't gonna be easy according to what the doctor told me. But uh I know that if I fought to overcome demons in my life, I was gonna fight for my son to be to give him the best that I could to put him in a position to to win.

SPEAKER_03 7:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:50

And uh that's what I've dedicated my last years. I mean, I don't have to be told, hey, you need a date night, you need this, because I'll I'll I'll include him in everything I do. Yeah. You know, I don't want to leave him out.

SPEAKER_03 8:02

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 8:02

And uh there's many things that they told me I wouldn't be able to do with him, and he's done. I mean, I can go on and on and on, but from the ages of three and a half, just to find um an agency that would take him to help with ABA therapy. I think Joshua had uh ABA would be what? Uh behavioral therapy that that you get so that Josh knew what they were at at one point, you know, when Josh was very little, uh what got us to this is is the meltdowns that he would have. Um uh literally when he didn't get his way, you know, bang his head against the wall, different things uh that we've shared with him.

SPEAKER_03 8:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:44

Uh but uh, you know, we didn't know what the heck was going on. Right. I just thought it was, you know, sometimes, you know, when you're listening to your family and the Latino side of the thing. Laughing out of them. Let's get him out, let's slap him around a few times and and and and discipline, which ABA teaches you the right discipline to deal with with kids. You know, it gives you the tools to be able to show them you're not gonna get this until this behavior gets like this. Yeah. Uh that turns into other things because then every time you do a behavior and that he does it well, you need to go to treasure box. So you need to hang around and so you try to explain to people, well, you know, I'm sorry. He thinks he needs to, you know, you find yourself apologizing sometimes for the behavior of your of your child, which brings other burdens to your life. Yeah. But uh, you know, as life goes on, yeah, you try to not make excuses, not compare. But uh, going back to the the beginnings, uh, doctor did tell us that he wasn't gonna give me a list of things he wouldn't do. Oh my god and some have been overcome already. See, you know, uh in the pushing and the working and the doing and the therapies and the the medication that he takes. And uh, you know, I don't know how how much you do know, but when I walked into the business 12 years ago. Church. Yeah, you know, walked into church and and and the business of God and the business of the Alesi

Importance of a Supportive Community

SPEAKER_01 10:10

family here. I I walked in distraught. Yeah, I just wanted to sit down. I wanted to find a place where where he would be accepted, he would be wanted. And Lord and behold, you know, first thing I loved was Pastor Mary's worship and the team here. It was like over the top for me. I like to worship. So it was a great that aspect. And then looked down the road and I saw my best friend. No way. Yeah, he was visiting too. Ralph. Yeah, same time. Mr. Geddes. Yeah, Ralph Geddes. He was visiting, and then uh we He's a little younger than you, right? No, he's a little we're not gonna go there. I'm younger. He's older. Okay. But uh, you know, we then we learned in a couple of weeks that there was a ministry here called hand in hand in the business that would take care of kids with special needs, that he would be accepted right off the bat. I mean, that broke down crying. Oh, come on. And and and so did I. Yeah. And uh we said we found we found home, not because of anything, but really, this is nothing to to do better. I anywhere you go, you're gonna look for the good and the bad. We found very good coming in. Yeah, and knowing that that that Joshua was loved from the get-go, that he was accepted from the get-go, that he wasn't gonna be, that people weren't gonna come to me and he was gonna be trouble, trouble, trouble. Because, you know, you get those reports from from school. Yeah, you got them early on, or your son didn't do this, and I go, ma'am, he's under the umbrella of autism. Wow. He is gonna struggle. He's not gonna be perfect. Now, I'm gonna try to correct it, but you're gonna have to work with me so that we can get to make him a better person in life.

SPEAKER_03 11:53

Oh my gosh. I'm uh doing a little work here at the same time because I I go back in my mind, I'm trying to remember who started our hand-in-hand ministry. I know Yoshika uh had a big part. Had uh Yoshika Green had a huge part in it, and uh one of her sisters, I think uh Sharia. Sharia.

SPEAKER_01 12:15

But you know who was in that place taking care of Josh in the beginning? Your kids. Yeah, yeah. It was your kids. They were doing the business of of hand-in-hand ministry, and they there was other people, but they would be in there with Josh.

SPEAKER_03 12:30

Yeah. Um, I may say things wrong. No, so forgive me in advance if I do. I I don't have all the lingo, the verbiage down. I don't know all of these uh details and nuances of dealing with special needs children. Um, I do know that our church is uh more and more um seeing this in our families. And it's a a wonderful little community um that we have where we come alongside, especially our good fellows, our guys, you know, uh Al Lavine, Lavinia, his son. Um, I know that uh the Gomez family with young Nick. Um those are heroes. Yeah, you get you're they're my heroes. We don't want to see them overcome. We we have some so you know, we got heroes on different fronts. We got heroes that lead in a spiritual manner, we got heroes that lead in a leadership manner, but you guys are heroes, and that you're able to um not uh depend on alcohol to help you survive or medication, or maybe you do, but maybe you're you're not strung out, you're not depressed, you're not hiding out. Uh you're stepping into a a real leadership role of your family, Tony. And that's that's why when I'm thinking family, I see my family doing what we do, but I see what you do with your family and these other families in our church that are doing it. And that you would be able to come together and still look at life with such vitality, you're you're positive, you're you're in the game, you're you're not using as an excuse to days I want to. Yeah, yes, you do, no doubt. I'm not gonna lie to you about that. But you you just you guys go forward. And that so to me, it's it's very her heroic to see that in you.

SPEAKER_01 14:22

I've I've battled in the front with Josh and um, you know, going to places with him early on, and because you said that I'm I'm doing life with him. Uh going to places with Josh in the beginning wasn't early, wasn't easy. I'm sorry. Yeah. Uh, you know, you walk into a a loud, I remember walking into the Ringling uh Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus, which is something that was instilled tradition to me as a kid.

SPEAKER_02 14:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:51

You know, go to the go to the circus. So I took him to the circus and he, you know, he was uh the first the sounds were too loud for him.

SPEAKER_02 14:57

Oh man.

SPEAKER_01 14:58

But but I've seen the progress. Now we go to an 80,000 Dallas game in Dallas, and we we have a deal. Hey, buddy, you know, I had to learn to live with this. When the when the Cowboys have the ball, when UM has the ball, when we're the Heat have the ball, you got to put your phone down.

SPEAKER_03 15:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:20

So I don't, you know, some some people think the phone is is something wrong. Sometimes I think he spends too much time on it and he knows it. Uh, but I think screen is where he hides to be able to to to to survive.

SPEAKER_03 15:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:35

I don't know where his brain is at sometimes. Yeah. Very smart, but but uh, you know, he'll he'll he'll literally play the game and I'll tell him, hey, um got the ball. And he'll put his phone away. He'll watch. He'll watch and then he'll ask questions. Oh, that's good. But but through the through the years, it wasn't let's go to a UM game and that's it. It was times where I had to either he had to stay behind because I didn't want to battle and I wanted to take a moment for myself.

SPEAKER_03 16:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:04

But now it's all six of us, yeah, you know, and there's no excuse. And when I say six of us, I've been going through through UM games with Ralph for a long time.

SPEAKER_03 16:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:13

And that's a good one. You find people in your life that that you know don't uh look at him with special needs. No, they just welcome him. Whatever question he has, whatever thing he has, and that's what you find here in the business here at the church. Yeah. Uh that's the way Josh is, the way, you know, sometimes he could be standoffish, but people know. You know, he he has a great relationship with the three Bernaldo Bros. Oh. But yeah, you know, sometimes he won't say two words and he'll walk away. He'll talk about them. They'll walk all he'll talk about them all the way to church. Oh and we get to church, or he'll talk about them. Yeah, and then we get here and he has a chance to engage. Might say a few things that relate with them, then he's I gotta go. I need to go sit down.

SPEAKER_03 17:00

And so those are the things that you that you work on to you know, I'm laughing at not at him, I'm laughing uh over all that we have um experienced with Josh that is very endearing. Yes. Uh so I mean a number of things. Uh, the biggest that I tell is when uh he gave me a suggestion one time for something in the lobby. So I walk out in the lobby,

Managing Conversations with an Autistic Child

SPEAKER_03 17:26

and there he is, and he's he wants to talk to me in his real serious tone. And this is probably three years ago. So he was 12 or 13 at the time. So he talks to me and tells me something, and I'm like, okay, cool. And I don't know what happened, I didn't even think about it the second time because it was carrying carrying on a conversation with Josh. Then we have a massive Christmas tree like a year later in the lobby. And um, I come walking out and he says, I have a another suggestion for you. Now the last one was like a year ago. I couldn't remember that there was a first one, but he lets me know I have a another suggestion for you. I said, Okay, Josh, what is it? And he tells me about um that tree is so big that we need to have more decorations. So why don't you let the kids in the children's ministry make decorations so we can put them on the tree? And I said, That's great. Okay, thank you, Josh. And I'm ready to walk away. And he says, No, I just want to make sure you know this is the second suggestion. Yeah, that's that's that's the thing that so I laughed and an endearment with him.

SPEAKER_01 18:34

The the the thing with Josh is I learned too in in in in therapy sessions and all that, don't promise anything. Yeah, if you promise you're in trouble.

SPEAKER_03 18:44

He's gonna try.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

And he's very literal. He's by the uh, you know, we were just talking about it uh earlier before we we started our conversation, and he wants to know the end of the story, whether the story has an end or it doesn't have an end. And you know, I've saved you from a few other suggestions.

SPEAKER_02 19:02

Not Gabby, though, because he's he gets Gabby too. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 19:05

Gabby's on Wednesday. I'm not in there Wednesday, but you know, I I'm I've I've been in trouble here during one of your sermons. I said, Josh, put your hand down. You don't know what you're putting your hand down for. He wants to ask a question. No, he wants to like he might not understand what you're talking about. Yeah. I I think it was maybe three three weeks ago you were saying something and he he was voting for if they're gonna end up divorced or not, and he didn't even know what it is. Um, Josh, you don't even know what he's talking about. At least wait and ask me. Or I get it as a dad too. Oh, you know what I'm talking about? And I go, Josh, you're going through the same things you went through. Yeah, I can help you. That is so sweet. Uh we were doing Spanish, he's learning Spanish on the way to school today. And uh he goes, Oh, you know that? And I go, Josh, why do why wouldn't I draw Spanish? It's it's like that, but yeah, you can either get mad at it. No, I've learned through the years you can't get mad at it. Yeah, you know, but we when we first started, and I don't want to lose that, we're talking about when he was going through his therapies at treasure. I think the Lord put Josh in my life, I don't know about Debbie for for me, to teach me some patience too. Because I'm very like, let's do what's next? And uh he always needed a gift or a reward at the end of every good behavior. So how do you break out of that? Yeah, you know, how do you break out of that situation? Now we do. Now it's yes, dad, don't worry, I'll we'll go to the next one. But it wasn't always like that. Sometimes you had to yank him out of a place crying.

SPEAKER_03 20:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

Because he wanted to get something and you just couldn't get that.

SPEAKER_03 20:41

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 20:41

Whether he was good or not. But uh, you know, he's come a long way. Yeah. Uh he's in a high school now with with only 80 or 90 kids. Wow.

SPEAKER_03 20:50

So he's getting specialized attention or his.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

He's not so much specialized as it was back in up to eighth grade.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

But uh schoolhouse prep, if I can say it, is doing a great job, you know, with him. Um, they give him the time to finish his work, to finish his stuff. Josh is very dedicated to to doing his homework. His handwriting is not the best, but he gets there and if he starts at four o'clock, sometimes he goes to ten o'clock at night to finish work that another kid might do in in a couple of hours. But uh, you know, as much as I want him to go to sleep, I also have to balance that out. He wants to do it.

SPEAKER_02 21:31

Right.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

So I'd rather he wants to finish. Yeah. He he he's not too fond of school, but he knows he's got to go through it. Yeah. But uh, you know, he's he's making it happen.

SPEAKER_03 21:41

Yeah. How have you and Debbie got on the same page

Staying United with Your Spouse

SPEAKER_03 21:45

about this working together with it and um just making it happen the way you are?

SPEAKER_01 21:51

Well, he's uh he's uh mama's boy. Yeah. He's he's mom's boy. And uh she loves him dearly. Sure. And uh Uh we've we've we're not always on the same page. That would be a a lie if we if I say I say that. I was hoping you'd say it. Yeah, no, the truth is the truth is that you you battle, but you you you overcome and then you have the side conversations to make sure that we are on the same page. I I'm the one that spoils. Mom is the one that uh likes to have more check. And I'm the I'm the one that shows up with a $350 Game Boy that it wasn't time to have, and she was like, why do you why are we doing this? You want to get him off a screen and you're bringing him a screen. And I just want him to provide, you know, the things that other kids have so that he can he can enjoy life. But uh we we've we do pretty good now. You know, she uh she's the app police, the game police, like we call it at home. She's the one that takes care of all those, you know. I want to take him to see Batman. She goes, No, you're not. And you know, things like that. You know, uh Joshua will say, if mom doesn't want, I'm not going when it comes to that situation. And I always honor, I just bother, you know, push the, you know, I like to go to the movies. He's a movie guy, so um it keeps him entertained. That's beautiful. Yeah, he loves that. He loves he loves movies, he loves to go out and and see that in and and be a part of the of the movie world. Yeah.

How Communication Differs When Dealing with Autism

SPEAKER_03 23:18

You know, when I came back from college, uh, graduated in 84, went to work with my dad. And um I probably uh I needed some help because I was I was I think I was working at that time part-time at the church, and everything was uh like grunt work. It was cleaning, it was changing light bulbs at that in that particular building. You'd get up and crawl through the attic. It was small crawl space. It was a lot of grunt work cleaning up uh things outside and taking it to the dump, even changing out the screen. We had this drop-down screen that was too small, and I wanted a bigger one. So my dad was so tight on the budget, he's yeah, you can do it, but uh who's gonna put it up? You know, and we're not gonna get it because we have a budget, and I couldn't buy it, the screen, and afford the labor. So I was like, I'm gonna install it. So uh I had these two young men in the church, JJ and Billy. And they were brothers, and they were both especially. Yes, you have. Yes, you have. And JJ and and Billy became my workers, they worked right alongside of me to help me do everything around the church. Uh, even when we had uh a house, we bought a house after Hurricane Andrew in '92 and had to go in because it was demolished from the hurricane. But I was in there and I was trying to do all the demo work myself. And I'll never forget I'm there, we're working. I pick them up, and it's just the three of us. And I said, Okay, guys, I need you to trim this boogin villa tree. And I'm gonna go to the store, I'll be right back to get some things, and I'll bring you some water. So hang in there, just trim this boogin villa tree. And the boogin villa tree, of course, has thorns and everything on it. When I came back like 40 minutes later, I look up and the boogin villa tree is gone. Not trimmed. I have a story for you one day. Gone. And I come driving up and I see JJ and Billy, and they are so proud of themselves for cutting down that tree, but they are bleeding. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 25:29

All over their face, their arms, their you see it coming through their clothes because they went to work on taking, not trimming it, but cutting that baby down, and it almost killed them.

SPEAKER_03 25:40

But you know, they wanted to do it so bad to make me happy. You know, they oh, I want you happy.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

And and I think I think Joshua may battle with that sometimes, trying to make me happy because he'll turn around and goes, Are you you happy? Oh, you know, so you know, Joshua has been given the opportunity two summers now. It was always summer camp, summer camp. So he's he's worked. And he, you know, he told the HR lady, uh, excuse me, I can't talk right now, because she wanted to get to know him. He said, Excuse me, I'm I'm working right now, I I can't talk to you. So, you know, he was doing the envelopes and filling them in and stuff like that, filling them in with the with the newsletters and all that stuff. And and that kid could do it.

SPEAKER_03 26:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

So he you know, he's he's he's learning and and yet struggling. And then and then it's just a a process, Pastor, to to get him to realize uh the that he's 16. Yeah, and that things have changed from when you were 14 or 12 or 10 or 9. And and but you know, each year that passes or each moment that passes, things are getting better.

SPEAKER_03 26:46

Yeah.

Encouraging Independence and Life Balance for Caregivers

SPEAKER_03 26:47

Well, he's an inspiration, and you're an inspiration for real. Uh Debbie's an inspiration, loving the way you guys have done it. And I think what gives us and leadership our some of our pride here is that you felt when you came through the doors, because there was a program hand in hand for Josh, that he would get the attention that he needs while at the same time giving you some time to power down and get fed in an environment like a church service that encourages.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

So much so that we drop him off here on Wednesdays and we don't even think. He's got so many people that surround him now. I mean, the biggest danger is getting out of the car when another one is coming this way. But once he's inside through the door, is the leadership here. They know him, they know how to deal with him. How does that feel, though? You're dropping him off. Oh, they tried to get me if I was gonna do something. I said, no, no, no. This is my time where I go with Debbie somewhere. Yeah. Even though it costs a couple hundred dollars at Target. I hope she hears that. I um I'd rather just spend some time with her because we don't have the time sometimes to do it.

SPEAKER_02 27:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 27:54

That's another thing special needs families go through. Sometimes you think you have to be with your kid all the time.

SPEAKER_03 28:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:01

And uh you you have to learn that because you know, there's times that Deb wants a time and I don't want to leave him. Or I don't want to send him. I want to make sure I stay with him. And how do you cope with that? I have to balance it out, and then if my in-laws are available, make time to to drop them off. And, you know, I really haven't gone out looking sometimes. I haven't put it out there, you know. Yeah, hey, can you take care of Josh for this while so I can go out? Usually now we're we're facing bigger problems. When do we start leaving him alone at home? And when do we teach him to have a key and come in and come out? Uh I'm the one struggling with Debbie's ready to do it. I'm the one like, what if he turns on the gas stove and and then blows up the house or hurts himself, you know? Because he's curious. So he wants to start it. He's he's got boring. Yeah. He's got my stepfather passed last year, so he has a Swiss army knife that says a well rafa on it. Oh. And uh, I won't let him touch it because he wants to pull out all the yeah, the gadgets. Yes. Yep. And so I tell him, you can't do that. You're gonna cut your finger. But he knows where it's at. Yep. And sometimes he'll go grab it. And I go, Did I give you permission to touch that? Yeah. He goes, Dad, I'm not gonna get hurt. Yeah. But uh, you know, things like that. Those are the things that we're battling with now as they get older. You know, how are we gonna, you know, let him get older and not worry about when he was nine or seven or six or four? Or because he doesn't, at some point you gotta cut it loose, you know. Yeah it's gonna be hard. But sure. How do you do it now when he finishes high school? If he's gonna go to college, whether it be the special college that they offer at FIU or whatever he's gonna do, uh, you're gonna have to trust in God to let it go and let him do what he accomplished what he has to do accomplishing.

SPEAKER_03 29:56

Yeah. And you're you're talking yourself off the the cliff quite a few times on that, don't you?

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Yeah, yeah. I'm the one that I think is more protected. And and so is Debbie. But she's she's willing to like, we need the time, let him go.

SPEAKER_03 30:12

Yeah. And uh and she deserves that time with you. Sure. That's not easy, but she deserves that time with you. Yes, sir. That's correct. 24-7. You don't get to pause when you have a special needs son or daughter.

SPEAKER_01 30:25

No, but you know, you you you pause on Sunday for a little while. Yeah. Uh, you come in here, you go out to eat, do whatever you have to do, and uh, you know. Yeah. That's why we we try to do every when we can get away, we try to get away, you know. Sure. It's just uh you you need, I tell people, you you might think it's I'm going to Disney again. I just drive past West Palm Beach to forget the craziness from the daily ups and downs that you go through here in Miami Dade County or Durral.

SPEAKER_03 30:56

You just need to go up to the farm for a couple days, man. Go enjoy it. Take down. Get out of here for a little while. Look at the cows, chickens, grab the eggs. It's good. Sounds good for a little bit. It's always there. Yeah. Don't do it in the summer. It's hot as heck. It's getting hot now. Oh, man. I already looked at the temps. They're not dropping like they've been doing up in that area. Well, as I said a minute ago, for real, you're you're inspiring, Tony. Um, you're not on this journey alone. I'm glad our business, our church, could be of assistance in any way. I'm very, very proud of our community here at the church because they have embraced Josh. He has a place and a role to play. Uh funny story because Gabby, my daughter, who leads the youth group, is uh given out not too long ago assignments. So they're trying to teach the kids that you gotta serve, you gotta give back. So there was assignments to be given for everyone. And so, what do you want your assignment to be? And it could be anything from they're going to uh clean and set up chairs, tear down chairs, all that. Uh the big one was uh that was cute, was the what they call the greeter, which is the person that's hospitality. So when a person comes in, they're greeting them at the door and giving them whatever program. So Josh hands his uh response to Gabby, and it's that he wants to be in hospitality. Can you imagine that?

SPEAKER_01 32:31

He wanted to be we discussed that night all the way home. What do you mean, hospitality? He wants to be in the middle of the day.

SPEAKER_02 32:38

Oh my god, but he wanted to do it. It was like inside, and so Gabby's like, Dad, he's gonna be he's on the hospitality team.

SPEAKER_03 32:45

Yeah, and and by the way, you know, he's always a topic of conversation because it it's just so special, it's so unique to see his development.

SPEAKER_01 32:56

And and then and you said it right. Do we have a circle of families here that that uh need the support, need Metro Life? Uh you know, uh there's a bunch of heroes in this church of people that have overcome this thing.

SPEAKER_03 33:10

So uh we have a young man, um, special needs. By the way, JJ and Billy, they're down at our other campus, and they serve as ushers on Sunday, and they've been there for years. Even when we left to start our church, they stayed there and they would be ushers. And some people uh over the years were like, we need to move them to a different area where uh the public doesn't see them so much. And they're like, Are you crazy? No, no, no. They they take ownership of that usher of that ushering, and they'll be busy at the end of the service picking up trash and cleaning things up. Um the one other young man, Al son, uh, he helps on the front row over here when we're ready to go on the platform. He's handing a mic to us.

SPEAKER_01 33:57

Not only that, but he helps his father on on the weekend when they come clean up. Clean up. I mean, I saw him driving that truck this week and I said, What? I said, that's that's a miracle right there. I told Debbie that's that's where I want to go. That's uh that's where I want to be. That's where I that's that's inspiration. Because it if if we could all root for each other to get to that level so that they could be independent, that's uh I think the isolation has to be the worst.

SPEAKER_03 34:26

Uh meaning that for the parent as well as the child, where they feel so isolated because they're not a part of normal society, that's gotta be the worst.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

I'm not in Joshua's brain or head, but I don't know what he goes through when I bring him here on Wednesdays. He probably gotta get jacked up to get off the car and get into a crowd of people. It's probably not easy. I I would I would say it would probably uh he would need to overcome the fear before he gets here. He might not tell me, but but you know, probably but rather be chilling and not having to deal with talking with anybody.

SPEAKER_03 35:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

So that he is now telling us, yes, I'm going. Uh is it too much homework? No, but I'm gonna get through. Sometimes he pushes so hard and I tell him, look, son, we're gonna be okay. You don't go today. Finish. And I don't never encourage, don't go, because I'm from that school is yeah, you need to show up. But uh, you know Does he want to be here?

SPEAKER_03 35:23

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 35:24

See there? Yeah, he says, I want to go.

SPEAKER_03 35:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:26

Like he wanted to come Friday. Yep. You know, I uh he was tested twice last week before I brought him. Come on. Because he had like a um slight cold.

unknown 35:36

I can't take him over.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

Oh, I can come over. Okay, I can't take him over there. I don't know what's going on. I don't want to blame anybody. Yeah, uh but yeah, but he was good both times. Did he show up on Friday? Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_02 35:47

Oh my gosh. Hey, they had an electric bull out there. He got on it. He did. Yes, he did.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

He didn't like the jobs too much because he got thrown off, but he got on the bull. So that's why I say I'm blessed because even with special needs, he's overcoming and he's participating, and he just does it at his pace. Yeah. And I've had to learn that that's the way it's gotta be.

SPEAKER_03 36:12

Well, let's bring this thing in for a close because uh there are

Closing Thoughts for Special Needs Families

SPEAKER_03 36:16

families and parents that have a Josh in them, and um uh we want you to know there that you're not alone. Yes, there's people out here that are doing it. Want you to know there's a community that can help. It's not to hurt. And if you can get past some of those feelings of insecurity that everybody's looking at me and my kids different, if you can get past that, you'll find a community being able to get past some of those things too. If you just stay in the game with it, don't make it a one and done or uh try a few things. And I think you could also come in knowing consistency is going to be the key to helping you and your child adapt to the environment that they're in. Uh, even though somebody's gonna feel be uncomfortable, you your consistency will help get past the discomfort. And um, so in the long run, Tony, we're here. I can't thank you enough for sharing your heart with us. Uh, I know even as a special needs parent, you you need to talk about this.

SPEAKER_01 37:26

Correct.

SPEAKER_03 37:26

And I'm glad we can have this conversation. And we are for you. Uh we're inspired by what you and Josh do.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

So I'm I'm inspired to be part of excellence. Yeah. So I like to be part of here. And I, you know, the same. If there is a a Josh in our in our con in our business, yeah, and in our church that hasn't come out or is struggling, you know, I'm I'm there just to at least guide you to what I've been. You don't have to take what I tell you for grain, but I can tell you what worked and what has worked, and what could continue to work, and and you don't have to go through learning everything. Oh I had to learn it on my felt like on my own because there's there's times you feel like that. But sure. Oh I'm glad I was here today.

SPEAKER_03 38:14

You're you're a great student student because you've learned a lot. And the uh one more thing, you you and Debbie open your home for what we call our connect groups, and sure enough, man, you don't use it as an excuse why you can't uh your special need son. You you almost use it as a motivation. Let's let's do this.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

Let's do it. And sometimes I at the end of the day, he might be doing homework at the end of the connect group, and I call him out so he can pray. Oh, so you know, it's been a while since we have any kids come with the with the with the people that are coming, but he he knows. Yeah, he knows when we get takeout on Wednesday, it's because we gotta eat fast because people are coming, or we're setting up for for people that are coming. What's his favorite food, by the way? Rice, uh chicken breast, uh black beans, and Maduros. And that is owed to my mom because Joshua doesn't, we didn't get into that, but they're they're they don't eat everything.

SPEAKER_03 39:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

So it's it's it's got to be uh the brown diet, they call it.

SPEAKER_03 39:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:13

Like it's pizza, spaghetti. Uh every once in a while you get them to dry a broccoli. Spaghetti. Spaghetti, spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. But uh, yes, those are the things. And but but that particular dish, yeah. My mom rest in peace. Yeah, she she said, autism or not, you're gonna eat it. It's the old school. She spooned him and made him made him love it. He that's his favorite dish. That's his go-to dish. Oh, okay. And now we've added to it in in his growing those croquetas. Really? He would never eat a croqueta, he would never try one. Now, recently, just three months ago, he started having them. I love it. So he loves it.

SPEAKER_03 39:58

Tony, you're great to talk to. Thank you. I hope you've enjoyed listening to the family business today with Steve Alesi and my dear friend Tony Villasuso. We've been talking special people dealing with special needs. Thanks for joining us.

SPEAKER_00 40:14

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