Sept. 15, 2021

I Hate It When You Talk To Me That Way! | S2 E1

Do you hate the way a loved one speaks to you? In this episode, the Alessis are talking about the way they talk to each other - which can sometimes be a struggle even for people who love each other dearly.


As we kick off Season 2 of The Family Business with The Alessis, Steve and Mary Alessi are talking about the way they talk to each other - which can sometimes be a struggle even for people who love each other dearly. 

These honest conversations and tips will help you communicate more effectively with your spouse or loved ones - and reveal why it's so important to accept our differences so we can enjoy healthy, lasting relationships. 

With transparency and honesty, the Alessis explore their experiences over their 30+ years of marriage so that you can be more understanding, more flexible and eventually enjoy a better relationship with the loved ones in your life. 

 

 

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Transcript

Steve Alessi  0:09  
Welcome to another edition and episode of our family business podcast, with Steve and Mary Alessi because family is everybody's business, and we're talking today about things that we dare not talk about on Sunday.

Mary Alessi  0:26  
 Oh, boy. 

Steve Alessi  0:27  
We'd probably lose half our church if we had this real, open, honest discussion that we're gonna have. And I'll kick it off for you in just a minute as to the title. But Mary, I'm having fun doing the TFB. You see it on the screen over there?

 What's the TFB stand for?  

Mary Alessi  0:46  
the family BOD. podcast,

podcast.

Steve Alessi  0:50  
There you go. The family business because everybody knows Oh, podcast is spelled with a B. 

Mary Alessi  0:56  
Is that right? 

Steve Alessi  0:56  
The family business...

Mary Alessi  0:59  
See what I did there? 

Steve Alessi  1:00  
Yep, she's quick. So it actually takes a nice little family to put this on. This is really cool that we're doing this. We have Jonathan in the room there. And sometimes he likes to come across...

Mary Alessi  1:11  
We are a family!

Steve Alessi  1:13  
Like he he can talk to us. And then Allen Paul..

Mary Alessi  1:16  
He tries to come across like he can talk to us? You mean like boss us around? Boom, he'll just probably pop in.

 and talk. Oh, I see him to talk. And then we got Allen Paul in the back. He's the brains. And the he is the brain. He's really got a good heart for this. I love it his knowledge. And then Ashley is inside on her cameras. And mainly Yeah, if y'all are listening to this, but not viewing it, there is a way that you can view it as well. So you may want to go ahead and check out what pastor Mary's wearing today when you get her chewy bar. nice bright, pink shirt that I'm wearing today. Very nice. Again, that'll help someplace good view this beautiful. Yeah. So Mary, I love this. This is like, really, the new fires you up? It really does. You know, it's like cutting all over again. Oh, boy. It's my new thing.

But it's way cheaper.

Steve Alessi  2:13  
That's true. But very excited about doing the podcast with you. So here's, here's what we're trying to do since we want our podcast to be about families, not just working together in business, our business being ministry, but also the business of family. What happens when you're at home and how you're dialoguing and working out your marriage, working out raising the kids and handling all those things that go along with it. So today, we're going to make it a little bit more interpersonal. And the way we dialogue is husband and wife at home and communicate with each other. And we're not communication specialists here. No. So we're just going to talk like where we live. Okay. And carries around a little bit. Yeah, he got it. Here's the title of this podcast. Are you ready? No. Here we go. I hate when you talk to me that way. Oh, my gosh. Huh. Yeah, you know that feeling?

Mary Alessi  3:12  
You know those words? I'm, I'm feeling those words, or you're feeling it? Yeah. Yeah.

Steve Alessi  3:17  
This is why we can't talk about this on Sunday, because people would not like that we use the word hate. And could not imagine you talking to me in such a way that would they would not be able to imagine that. 

Mary Alessi  3:33  
They'd be like Pastor Steve.... 

Steve Alessi  3:36  
Oh my gosh, yes. Cuz Pastor Mary has such a long fuse. Not true. You don't have a fuse. 

Mary Alessi  3:45  
I have a fuse.

Steve Alessi  3:46  
 You do?

Mary Alessi  3:47  
I just don't let anybody see it.

Steve Alessi  3:49  
So here's where this came up. 

Mary Alessi  3:50  
Okay.

Steve Alessi  3:51  
 In our bathroom. It's set up where on one side of the bathroom. You have your vanity? 

Mary Alessi  3:58  
Yep. 

Steve Alessi  3:58  
On the other side is my vanity. 

Mary Alessi  4:00  
Yeah. 

Steve Alessi  4:01  
And we have two big mirrors in front of our vanities. And we can look in our mirrors and see each other bending over when we're brushing our teeth. Right? It's stupid. 

Mary Alessi  4:10  
So we see the backs of each other's heads. 

Steve Alessi  4:12  
We see the backs of each other's head. So we'll get into conversations sometimes. And when we're at our individual vanities being vain . B

Mary Alessi  4:20  
Being very vain. 

Steve Alessi  4:21  
And it happened a few weeks ago that we were talking about something and it's so stupid, because I can't even now remember what we were talking about. But...

Mary Alessi  4:31  
 Did we have a fight?

Steve Alessi  4:32  
 Evidently, because that's where this phrase came from in my head. And I'm like, we're gonna do a podcast about this. 

Mary Alessi  4:37  
Oh, my gosh, thank God, the longer you're married, the less you can care about your fights or remember your fights. It's a blessing. 

Steve Alessi  4:43  
It is. But it wasn't that day because whatever was going on, I just didn't like the way we were talking to each other. And isn't that crazy? It's never really about what you're arguing about that causes you to get mad at each other. It's the what way

Mary Alessi  4:57  
What way you're saying what you're saying

Steve Alessi  5:00  
That's so wrong! 

Mary Alessi  5:02  
But it is what it is. 

Steve Alessi  5:03  
You said it right? 

Mary Alessi  5:05  
What? 

Steve Alessi  5:05  
I've been telling you that since the day we got married. I've always said, Mary, don't focus on what I'm saying.

Mary Alessi  5:13  
They are books and resources that can help you say it better.

Steve Alessi  5:16  
But you always said, No, it's not about what you're saying. It's how you're saying it, but you just admitted. It's never really about...yes! 

Mary Alessi  5:23  
Is this a gotcha question?

Steve Alessi  5:24  
It is, I got it. I gotcha. Okay. So here's the point. What is it that we're saying, when we say "I hate that talk to me that way"?

Mary Alessi  5:35  
Wow. 

Steve Alessi  5:36  
Yeah. 

Mary Alessi  5:36  
From my perspective, are we jumping in?

Steve Alessi  5:38  
Yeah, just pretend we're other people.

Mary Alessi  5:41  
Okay, we're not gonna fight?

Steve Alessi  5:42  
 No. 

Mary Alessi  5:43  
Okay. Just pretend we're other people? 

Steve Alessi  5:45  
But that's why Ashlie's here. She's gonna protect me just in case you come at me. Go. 

Mary Alessi  5:50  
Unbelievable. 

Steve Alessi  5:51  
Go ahead. 

Mary Alessi  5:53  
What was the question? 

Steve Alessi  5:54  
What do we mean? What's the, what are we trying to get across when we say I hate when you talk to me that way?

Mary Alessi  5:59  
Okay. So, first of all, men and women don't talk or process the same at all. 

Steve Alessi  6:04  
Not at all. 

Mary Alessi  6:05  
And women are way more tender. Usually. We live in Miami with, there's some pretty strong women in this city. But for the most part, women don't like to be belittled or talked down to, or talked to like she's a little girl. And I can only speak from my perspective. I remember when we first got married, what did I used to say to you all the time when we'd argue? What was the one thing I'd always say?

Steve Alessi  6:30  
Don't...Don't talk to me like you're my dad.

Mary Alessi  6:32  
You are not my dad. 

Steve Alessi  6:33  
That's right. 

Mary Alessi  6:34  
But she would always talk to me like, Mary, don't do that. You would talk to me like you were my dad. Or if I'd say, let's go get ice cream. We don't have money for... how could you even ask that we're gonna go get ice cream? And it wasn't that we couldn't have ice cream, or that we needed to budget. It was always the way you said that to me. And I would get so mad at you, because I would think, "I can handle the truth of the fact that we can't afford $3 for ice cream."  But you could say like, Hey, babe, you know, maybe it's better for us that we save that money and not get ice cream tonight? How do you think about that? What do you think about that? That's how I envisioned that you should stop and package everything for me to hear it from a better perspective so that I could absorb it and digest it better.

Steve Alessi  7:26  
Okay, so that makes sense. You know what I'm hearing when I think to myself, I hate when she talks to me that way? 

Mary Alessi  7:36  
Yeah.

Steve Alessi  7:37  
 I hear... Forgive me. But I hear a man trying to talk to me, in a certain way. 

Mary Alessi  7:47  
Wow. 

Steve Alessi  7:49  
Because in a guy's mind, we're not thinking a woman is going to say that. She's not gonna. What is...she's not gonna front me that way?

Mary Alessi  7:58  
Or challenge you? 

Steve Alessi  7:59  
She's not gonna challenge me that way. And so what's amazing.....this is where I try, we tried to tell young people all the time, beauty is only skin deep. Because when a guy hears a pretty woman front him, or feels as though she is disrespecting him...

Mary Alessi  8:21  
 Right? 

Steve Alessi  8:22  
Man, he doesn't see her looks anymore.

Mary Alessi  8:24  
She's ugly.

Steve Alessi  8:27  
She can get pretty ugly quick and...

Mary Alessi  8:31  
Isn't that funny? 

Steve Alessi  8:31  
That's crazy.

Mary Alessi  8:32  
And women don't know that. No, women do not know that how many women are on the workforce right now. And they're working with a whole lot of men. And they do not understand that they don't want you to talk to them. Like a man.

Steve Alessi  8:44  
 Yeah.

Mary Alessi  8:45  
 Not in a challenging way. 

Steve Alessi  8:46  
No. Now I understand gender confusion a little bit right now.

Mary Alessi  8:49  
Do you?

Steve Alessi  8:50  
Where a woman can become a man like that? And a man become a woman just like that, just by talking? No. I was kidding. On that last comment. Not to offend any men out there. But you know, it's, it is. It's all in the way we hear it.

Mary Alessi  9:10  
 It is.

Steve Alessi  9:11  
 And this is, this is in our home. And this actually spills over here in the office. And it's the communication that we have as husband and wife that now have to work together on a regular basis.

Mary Alessi  9:23  
 And it's hard. 

Steve Alessi  9:23  
And it's... Yes, it is.

Mary Alessi  9:24  
It's very hard, because it is almost impossible, especially when you're learning each other, to put your own feelings aside when you're in a stress moment, or might not even be a stress moment. It just might be one is stressed out more than the other. And the wife approaches the husband and asks something sweet and she gets a harsh answer back. 

Steve Alessi  9:42  
Yeah.

Mary Alessi  9:43  
 And she hates it when he talks to her that way. I know for you and me over the years that, because you are a different personality and more of an aggressor in certain areas? Things get you a lot more intense. I'm not intense at all. I have a few things I am intense about, but you don't have to tell me....what is that scripture verse?

Steve Alessi  10:07  
I can't read your mind. 

Mary Alessi  10:08  
I can't think of the word all of a sudden, it turns away wrath, a soft answer.

Steve Alessi  10:11  
 Oh, yes.

Mary Alessi  10:12  
A soft answer turns away wrath. I would think that all the time, if he would just have a soft answer, I wouldn't be mad. But the truth was, I'm not a mad person. That's not my personality. 

Steve Alessi  10:22  
OK, you see that person right there? That was never the person that I saw on the inside of you. When when we would have those discussions,

Mary Alessi  10:31  
I got my dukes up. 

Steve Alessi  10:32  
and it came out in the way it came out. Never saw this innocent. Oh my gosh, I don't want him to hurt me kind of thing.

Mary Alessi  10:39  
No, we don't. Because we don't know how to communicate that to each other, especially when we're so young getting married. 

Steve Alessi  10:44  
And you never saw that. Oh, a soft answer turns away wrath. 

Mary Alessi  10:49  
When?

Steve Alessi  10:49  
When I was like, You didn't really...I tried a soft answer. And it never worked.

Mary Alessi  10:56  
 It never ever works in the moment.  I don't know why.

Steve Alessi  10:59  
But that's where comic routines come from. Because in the conversation and communication of men and women, husband and wife...

Mary Alessi  11:08  
 Oh my gosh.

Steve Alessi  11:09  
That's the best.

Mary Alessi  11:10  
Yeah, you're on two totally different planets.

Steve Alessi  11:12  
That is. And Mary, I guess, you know, in the long run here, that's not a bad thing. 

Mary Alessi  11:15  
No.

Steve Alessi  11:16  
It surely shouldn't be a deal breaker now, because of the way he talked to her. And so I may be a bone of contention.

Mary Alessi  11:22  
 right. 

Steve Alessi  11:23  
And we're, we're not in Eden here in the perfect garden environment. Even in beautiful homes, you have those times where this may be your thing, some couples... every couple has a thing that they have to contend with. And I would say over the years, this has probably been our thing, because we have other things that are so good. But this right here can turn the good bad in a minute. 

Yeah.

You know, and then, you know, you'll go for three days without talking to me and stuff. 

Mary Alessi  11:50  
I used to. I don't do that anymore.

Steve Alessi  11:52  
No, I'm kidding. Now, Now, you notice roles reverse? Yeah, I don't want to talk for a couple hours anyway.

Mary Alessi  12:03  
It's funny, though, I will say that you go from protecting yourself in the beginning of a relationship and the way you're spoken to. And I really think if I, if I go back, and I process it and analyze it from where I was when I felt that way the most, versus now? It's because I took myself too seriously. And I was still trying to prove that I was this adult and I was smart. And I was intelligent, and you're making me feel terrible about myself just because of the way you'd say it. But then when I would really look at it, at what you said, Okay, yeah, you're right. But... well, that was immaturity.

Steve Alessi  12:38  
 Right.

Mary Alessi  12:39  
 And then you would say, I talk how I talk, Mary, this is me, this is how I am. Okay? This is how men are, is what you used to always say. This is men, you know, get around other guys. You see, we talk like this. Look at men on the football field. Oh, it would make me so mad. Because in my mind, I was really more focused on really how it made me feel, it was really about me. And now about what was being said it was about how literally, you made me feel. 

Steve Alessi  13:06  
Yep. 

Mary Alessi  13:07  
And if I was separate me from it, and go, Well, that's a you problem. If you can't be sweet and be nice. That's a you problem. That's not me. You're stressed? Are you okay? Are you alright? And vice versa, when I would get in my difficult days, you were a lot more prone, because I think men are, to go, okay, she's not having a good day. We were watching our honeymoon video the other day. And there's a moment you have the camera on me. And I am not smiling. And I don't know what mood I was in. But I am not smiling and it did not affect your joy at all. You even say into the video. Oh, she's... she's not a good mood. I don't know what mood Mary's in and you keep going in the video filming our entire Mexico honeymoon, having a blast with that camera all by yourself, even if I was moody. And the reality is, for we women, sometimes we can get too deep in our feelings. And we do make it about the way you're saying it versus what you're saying. And I think in that regard, it's probably better to think more like a man and not be so sensitive to our feelings.

Steve Alessi  14:13  
Yeah. Well, we're not relationship experts. 

Mary Alessi  14:17  
No.

Steve Alessi  14:17  
Definitely not communication experts and counselors. We're terrible... I'm a terrible counselor. But...

Mary Alessi  14:24  
Me too. 

Steve Alessi  14:24  
I do think a part of this is pretty common and normal. 

Mary Alessi  14:28  
Sure. 

Steve Alessi  14:29  
And it's okay. It's okay to not do a make or break, do or die scenario when you don't like the way your spouse is talking to you, or even your business partner, you know. Anybody you're in a good real, long lasting relationship with.  It's just, it's gonna be different communication methods. That's all it's to it. 

Mary Alessi  14:55  
Yeah.

Steve Alessi  14:55  
Some are just going to be more reserved and keep things to themselves. Never shake, say something until it just bottles up inside of them and they explode. Some are just never gonna act like it ever bothers them. And you never hear about anything only to find themselves down the road that's years later, so filled with hurt and stuff you'd like, why didn't you say something? 

Mary Alessi  15:16  
Bottle it all up. 

Steve Alessi  15:17  
People like myself that feels like, you know, it's not... It's not so much that, you know, I just got to say it because I know, it's like, this is my, this is my communication with you. 

Mary Alessi  15:26  
Right? 

Steve Alessi  15:26  
And our communication is, you know, we have to realize it's all personalized. It's got our own thumbprint on it, it is what it is. And as long as it's not abusive, 

Mary Alessi  15:37  
That's right.

Steve Alessi  15:37  
 Okay. 

Mary Alessi  15:38  
And that's not what we're talking about.

Steve Alessi  15:39  
No we're we're not talking about that. We're not talking about somebody who curses and uses the F bomb

Mary Alessi  15:43  
And gets in your face and no, no. 

Steve Alessi  15:45  
Pushes you around and tries to intimidate you, you know that that right there is a conflicted personality person, you anybody that has to do that. They're conflicted, and they're they're high level of conflict. And you got to, you got to keep some serious boundaries up with them. But most people after you know, one or two or three arguments, you know where the person is. And if you're still having dinner, the next day or breakfast the next day, after the blow up the night before, you know what? You may be able to just realize, okay, this is who we are. 

Mary Alessi  16:21  
right? 

Steve Alessi  16:21  
This may be our weakest point. I'm not going to make this a deal breaker. I love her. I love him. I want to be with them. You know, what if this is the worst that it gets? We can tolerate it every so often.

Mary Alessi  16:35  
 That's right. 

Steve Alessi  16:36  
And what we have found is on the front end of our relationship in marriage, it was really it was never... you never saw my strong side before we were married, because every guy knows no, no, let me save my best hand on the front end of this relationship. Once I get married, it's a little different. 

Mary Alessi  16:54  
I can be myself.

Steve Alessi  16:55  
 I could be my... so you didn't see it then. But you did see it in that first couple years of marriage where then our communication differences started to play out. One thing for you was you were raised pretty much with women. 

Mary Alessi  17:07  
I was gonna say that.

Steve Alessi  17:07  
Yeah.

Mary Alessi  17:08  
 I didn't really know anything about

Steve Alessi  17:10  
So was I. 

Mary Alessi  17:11  
 you know,  that's a good point.

Steve Alessi  17:13  
 That's crazy . 

Mary Alessi  17:13  
You would have been more sensitive.

Steve Alessi  17:17  
But my dad was strong.

Mary Alessi  17:19  
You know what, your dad was.  But your mom was too. 

Steve Alessi  17:22  
 they were both strong when it came to communication. Matter of fact, one time I ran into a guy, and I must have been in my I was in my 50s. So not too long ago, I ran into a guy whose story says yeah, oh, I remember Alessi. We lived down the street from you and we could hear your family all the time arguing. Cause my mom and dad would at it and fight baby Tang strong Irish, she got kind of you know.

Mary Alessi  17:45  
But  they  stayed together. 

 of course. 

And my parents never fought and got divorced. 

Steve Alessi  17:51  
Different kinds of communication, though. 

Mary Alessi  17:53  
That's it.

Steve Alessi  17:53  
Ours was... our laundry was aired out. Yeah, what even the neighbors? 

Mary Alessi  17:58  
Well, clearly. 

Steve Alessi  18:00  
But yours was not...

Mary Alessi  18:02  
 That... that's why 

Steve Alessi  18:03  
Yours was what?

Mary Alessi  18:05  
Swept under the rug. 

Steve Alessi  18:07  
Never wanted discuss it.

Mary Alessi  18:08  
Because of the way you're saying things to me. And I had to learn, when we first got married and we'd have those arguments. And it's amazing how you do go in your room and you start processing a lot and reality does start to hit you. Those conflict moments are good for you because they do a little surgery in your heart. But I can remember realizing well, hold on a minute. Steve is honest. He's saying what he wants to say. I can too, and be respectful at the same time. But the truth is, he's just saying what he wants to say to me without feeling like there's eggshells or he's worried that he can't say what he feels. I need to be as honest as I need to be. Because the reality was in my family was a lack of honesty led to the destruction of a relationship. And it really doesn't matter how you say it. Just say what you want to say. Just don't cross the line and be disrespectful.

Steve Alessi  18:31  
And funny.... Your family, songwriters, wordsmiths. 

Mary Alessi  19:01  
Well, you see, because we packaged words. And there are a lot of people though that do feel there's a lot of people, there's been books written about it, that making sure you say things in a specific way so that they hear or can hear it and receive it is important. At the same time, when we are in real time in a relationship, and there's stress and there's a lot going on, we need to give each other grace in those moments, to either hear it the wrong way, or to have said it the wrong way. And to be couples that forgive quickly.

Steve Alessi  19:33  
Yeah. And don't don't don't hold on to it.

Mary Alessi  19:35  
Yeah, that's destructive.

Steve Alessi  19:36  
I remember I had to learn this lesson. And grace is a beautiful gift to give each other. 

Mary Alessi  19:41  
Yes. 

Steve Alessi  19:42  
Because I had to learn somewhere along the line that first off as much as I would say something like, well, you shouldn't feel that way. Right, right. I had to learn that if it's your feelings, you're owning your feelings. So you know what, I gotta respect that. I may not agree with it, and I don't want you to have it. I don't want you to  always walk around on eggshells or I don't want to have to walk around on eggshells because of your feelings. We had to work through that. So we couldn't, you had to toughen up a bit. And I had to be more sensitive. But at the same time when it came to your feelings, I could not say to you, you shouldn't feel that, you shouldn't feel that way. That in itself would blow... take the argument to another 30 to 40 minutes.

Mary Alessi  20:25  
Whole 'nother level

Steve Alessi  20:26  
Because you hated me saying, yes, you shouldn't feel that way. 

Mary Alessi  20:29  
Right.

Steve Alessi  20:30  
 But so I had to learn, you know what? It's her feelings.

Mary Alessi  20:33  
 right? 

Steve Alessi  20:34  
And they are her feelings. They're real to her. May not be real to me, because I'm over here thinking, well, I feel like you shouldn't feel that way. So I'm going by my feelings telling you don't go by your feelings, which is stupid. So I have to say, respect her feelings. 

Mary Alessi  20:54  
Yeah. 

Steve Alessi  20:55  
I don't have to agree with them. But they surely can't be denied. There are your feelings.

Mary Alessi  21:01  
They're my feelings in the moment, and I'll process them. But that's where I think, you know, giving each other room - And the earlier you can learn this in your relationship, the better. Oh, my goodness, you know, I think we did pretty good considering all we had gone against us with parental problems that we had on the outside. But we were hard on each other in the beginning. And a lot of that was just internal struggle. It didn't even have anything to do with you and me, as a unit. We loved each other.

Steve Alessi  21:27  
 Sure. 

Mary Alessi  21:28  
But we both were struggling internally. And a lot of times that happens in couples, and we see it even in pastoring our church, meeting younger couples, that they fight more because they're struggling individually. 

Steve Alessi  21:41  
Right.

Mary Alessi  21:41  
With what their expectations are, their frustrations are and then they take it out on their spouse, and then it becomes something that it's not. And when you can stop and isolate that and go "wait a minute. This is a me problem. This isn't a you problem. You know, I started it." how many times that you talk to me that way. I hate that you talk to me that way. I would look later on when the feelings faded and go I started that. That was me. I shouldn't have even...

Steve Alessi  22:04  
How come you never said that? 

Mary Alessi  22:07  
Because you don't give up your best material.

Steve Alessi  22:12  
Never heard that, this is a confessional. Oh, no. Oh, wow.

Mary Alessi  22:16  
Is this mic on? Are we recording?

Steve Alessi  22:19  
Let me say this, babe. I don't think it's healthy to ask - As long as it's not abusive, right? I don't think it's healthy to ask a man to get so sensitive with his thoughts and words and, and so on to, to speak women speak. You know, I'm saying is, 

Mary Alessi  22:38  
That is crazy. Don't ask a man to do that. 

Steve Alessi  22:42  
I think... it's I don't think it's healthy. It's not for a wife to say speak to me. Like, I want to be spoken to like another woman. No, no, no, no. And it's not healthy for a man to look at his wife and say, okay, speak to me, like a man, that's not going to ever

Mary Alessi  22:56  
 I'm going to only hear you if you say it the way I would receive it. 

Steve Alessi  23:00  
Yeah, if a man... if a woman tries to speak like a man to a man, the man is going to probably punch her. Because that's usually what ends up happening. He just sees another man. 

Mary Alessi  23:07  
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi  23:08  
 And it's not good. 

Mary Alessi  23:09  
Right. 

Steve Alessi  23:10  
So the point there is I think each partner, husband, wife has to come to grips with... this is my communication, my way of communication. I don't want it to be abusive. I don't want it to be neglectful either. 

Mary Alessi  23:28  
Right.

Steve Alessi  23:29  
 So I'm going to have to figure out a way to either soften it or be tougher, stronger and more secure. So that in what is being communicated is being communicated, what is being said is being communicated. And it does not become a bone of contention.

Mary Alessi  23:50  
Right. 

Steve Alessi  23:51  
So the issue is not left swept under the carpet and unresolved. No, you deal with it. But you've got to both look at each other and say, Okay, this is how my wife processes and thinks. And this is how my husband processes and thinks. And I'm okay with that. 

Mary Alessi  24:05  
Yeah. 

Steve Alessi  24:05  
So then the second part of that, though, is how do we now say to the kids that are watching this theater of events and hearing it?

Mary Alessi  24:17  
All the drama.

Steve Alessi  24:18  
How do we help them say, "okay, kids, this is Dad, this is mom. The good side of it is when they communicate, but you know, when we get too loud, or we we cut each other off, or we start to cuss or something like that?"  How do we make sure the bad part of communication is not being passed on while we still leave the door open for learning how to communicate?

Mary Alessi  24:43  
Well, honestly, I think healthy homes have arguing. I think you've got to have arguing to be a healthy home. So how do you teach kids to resolve their issues without... when they're going to get into arguments? I mean, kids fight the most with their siblings. 

Steve Alessi  24:57  
Yeah.

Mary Alessi  24:58  
 the whole point of it is we're going to reach a conflict resolution, we're going to reach resolve. And we're going to talk about it. We're not afraid to talk about it. What dad said made me mad. What mom said made me mad. Okay, you heard that. And you know what the old school is none of your business with your kids, Mom and Dad are having a moment and we're working it out. But then you work it out,

Steve Alessi  25:18  
You got to work it out.

Mary Alessi  25:19  
You got to come out of the room with your boxing gloves off. You can't try to console your children and bring them into your relationship because now dad's taken off in the car and he's mad and he ran off and mom... hit the mic. And mom is everything's fine. Everything's fine. And brushing that under the rug. I don't think you teach your children well. But I don't think you expose them to the arguments and  fights either. I think there's a healthy balance. Self control is a huge part of that. You've got to have self control for the kids. But I don't think that it's...  I remember I was talking to a couple a long time ago, I'll never forget it. That she.... he was right. When they were bringing us their scenario. We're both sitting in the office, and he's telling us the scenario. And she's got her arms crossed, convinced, convinced that she had it down on lockdown. 100%, she was right. And he was a bad guy. Because they would argue in front of the kids. And you and I are both processing. We don't have the heart to tell her. We argue in front of the kids. Now we don't go crazy. Yeah, we don't have screaming matches and fights. But what he what he was saying was healthy. And what she was saying was not healthy. And it was, it was really at a point of no return for them. Because she had just so convinced herself that honesty with the kids was destructive. Meanwhile, she didn't realize you're not teaching your kids how to resolve an argument. 

Steve Alessi  26:43  
Yeah.

Mary Alessi  26:44  
 And they're meant to be resolved. And usually what happens is they'll come full circle, you'll be petty. You'll bicker, you'll fight. Kids will hear it. And like every kid does "mommy and daddy are breaking up".... our kids did it. Yeah. And you pull them in and go guys, guys, guys, we're just fighting. You guys fight. But we are working it out. And you teach your kids, that fighting doesn't end in breaking.

Steve Alessi  27:08  
Yep.

Mary Alessi  27:09  
 It just means we're humans, where people, we get mad at each other. We get out of control sometimes, but not too out of control. But then we work it out. 

Steve Alessi  27:17  
Yeah.

Mary Alessi  27:17  
 And we move on. And we love each other more. Right?

Steve Alessi  27:19  
I agree. I think that's good, good, good advice to anybody who's in that kind of environment with their kids. It's not bad to keep them close to you while you go through those times of disagreement where they do however, see there's some kind of resolve without there being this ultimate, do or die make or break scenario, because then they will be insecure, and afraid to express their own opinions and feelings.

Mary Alessi  27:44  
And we're not talking about out of control marital issues, because like you said, we're not counselors, we're just talking about the petty stuff, right? That can lead to worse stuff. If you have issues in your marriage, and the kids are crying, and they're in a fetal position in the corner every time, knock that off. 

Steve Alessi  27:58  
Right.

Mary Alessi  27:58  
 Because that is damaging. Don't do that in front of the kids.

Steve Alessi  28:02  
Most marriages break up, relationships break up over the little things. 

Mary Alessi  28:06  
 Steve, always.

Steve Alessi  28:07  
And then you know, the big things may manifest later down the road. But it was the little thing...

Mary Alessi  28:12  
 that led to it...

Steve Alessi  28:12  
That led to it. And so the arguments where you actually look at someone said, "I hate when you talk to me that way", that could break something up. If a person doesn't realize that we all hate when people talk to us a certain way. Hey, when I get pulled over by a cop, I don't like the way they talk to me. Not anymore. I don't like the way sometimes a person at the counter of the store talks to me, or a waiter or what we're not, you know, it's a part of life. You just don't like it when people talk to you a certain way. And it's normal. But it should not break up a relationship.

Mary Alessi  28:49  
 Right. 

Steve Alessi  28:49  
As we come at this thing from a healthier viewpoint, right? It's part of communication. Sometimes it's loud. Sometimes it's quiet. 

Mary Alessi  28:59  
Yeah.

Steve Alessi  28:59  
 But I would say don't... Don't put it out there and be so afraid that if you do speak your mind, and whatever way you do, then you got to be insecure about the relationship.

Mary Alessi  29:10  
No, I think that's....

Steve Alessi  29:11  
you don't want to sit on that stuff. 

Mary Alessi  29:13  
No.

Steve Alessi  29:13  
You don't want to be so passive and so quiet that you never say a thing, right? And then you don't want to be so loud and so aggressive that you become abusive, you know, you have to find a real healthy balance.

Mary Alessi  29:24  
And if you don't communicate, you really won't know where the lines of respect are on both sides. You have to communicate and have those conversations and sometimes they will get heated to know where the boundaries are, and what best serves your relationship. 

Steve Alessi  29:38  
Yeah, because we're not we can't read each other's minds. 

Mary Alessi  29:41  
Oh my goodness. No.

Steve Alessi  29:42  
 And that that's almost moving into a whole nother subject of prejudging something or somebody Yeah, by something they're not saying. 

Mary Alessi  29:48  
Right. 

Steve Alessi  29:48  
You know, that's that's kind of nuts. Well, this has been very helpful for me.

Mary Alessi  29:53  
 Has it? 

Steve Alessi  29:53  
 Yeah, cuz now I know what buttons to push for you

Mary Alessi  29:56  
Unbelievable. 

Steve Alessi  29:57  
How about this? We just finished Mother's Day and Father's Day, right? Okay, question.

Mary Alessi  30:05  
What?

Steve Alessi  30:05  
Who got the better gift?

Mary Alessi  30:11  
Well you got many gifts? I got one. I did. I got the better gift. 

Steve Alessi  30:22  
Who got the most expensive gift? 

I did. 

Oh, yes you did. And

Mary Alessi  30:30  
But there's reasons for that. 

Steve Alessi  30:31  
Why?

Mary Alessi  30:32  
 I told them specifically what I want it. I didn't send them little Amazon 17.99 nose razor kits. See that's on you mister. It's an ear razor, that for your ears. 

And your nose. You know? Listen. You don't understand how you work these kids. 

Steve Alessi  30:49  
Yeah. What? Oh, communication. Communication manipulations your best way to get your gifts. I'm gonna start working on Christmas right now.

Mary Alessi  31:02  
You better. I can help you. Now that our kids are adults and they have to buy stuff.

Steve Alessi  31:06  
You got it. Oh, well, Mary did get the better gift probably cost about five or six times more than mine. But who washes the cars? Who? 

Mary Alessi  31:18  
Who's the trophy wife? 

Steve Alessi  31:20  
Okay, we got to go. It's getting deep in here. Thanks for joining us on another podcast of the Alessi family business, the T. F. B .

Chris Alessi  31:33  
Thanks for listening to the family business podcast with the Alessis. We appreciate you listening and learning with us as we just shared more about the family business. You know, I bet there's someone you know who can use this kind of advice and encouragement. So make sure to share this episode with them and their family. Because let's face it, family is everyone's business. If you want to be a part of our family, subscribe to the show right now on your favorite app and make sure to download the episodes so you can hear them at any time. Oh, and one more thing. One of the best ways to help us spread the word about the family business with the Alessis is by reviewing the show on Apple Podcasts or your favorite app. So help us out. Write a review and join us next time at the family business podcast with the Alessis!