"I Hate When You Talk To Me That Way!" | TFB Midseason Flashback

Allen Paul [00:00:00]:
Hello, and welcome to the family business with the Alessis where family is everybody's business. And today, we're going to bring you one of our best of episodes, a classic where Steve and Marie Alessi share what they hate about the way they talk to each other. And you're going to hear some great moments in this. This is one of our most downloaded and most commented on episodes, So you're gonna want to pay attention to each moment, some of them that you might remember if you're an experienced podience member. And if you're new to our podience, This is going to be a great introduction to the dynamic between Steve and Mary in their marriage. Let's listen in to our classic, I hate it when you talk to me that way.

Steve Alessi [00:00:53]:
Welcome to another edition, an episode of our family business podcast with Steve and Mary Alessi because family is everybody's business, and we're talking today about things that we dare not talk about on Sunday.

Mary Alessi [00:01:10]:
Oh, boy.

Steve Alessi [00:01:11]:
We'd probably lose half our church if we had this real open, honest discussion that we're gonna have. And I'll kick it off for you in just a minute as to the title, but, Mary, I'm having fun doing the, TFB. You see it on the screen

Mary Alessi [00:01:27]:
over there? Saw that. That's very

Steve Alessi [00:01:29]:
cool. B stand for?

Mary Alessi [00:01:30]:
Family bod podcast.

Steve Alessi [00:01:32]:
Podcast. Podcast. There you go. The family business because everybody knows podcast is spelled with a b.

Mary Alessi [00:01:40]:
Is that right?

Steve Alessi [00:01:41]:
The family Podcast. Business

Mary Alessi [00:01:43]:
TV. There?

Steve Alessi [00:01:44]:
Yep. She's quick. So, it actually takes a nice little family to put this on. This is Really cool that we're doing this. We have Jonathan in the room there, and sometimes he likes to True. Come across

Mary Alessi [00:01:56]:
We are a family.

Steve Alessi [00:01:57]:
Like he, he can talk to us. And then Alan Paul

Mary Alessi [00:02:00]:
tries to come across like he can talk to us? He, like, bosses around?

Steve Alessi [00:02:03]:
Boom. He'll just pop this. Eric can just pop in and talk.

Mary Alessi [00:02:06]:
Oh, I see. I got it.

Steve Alessi [00:02:08]:
In to talk. And then we got Alan Paul in the back. He's the brains and the,

Mary Alessi [00:02:13]:
He is the brains.

Steve Alessi [00:02:14]:
He's really got a good heart for this. I love it, his knowledge. And then Ashley is inside on her cameras, and, hopefully, yeah, if you all are listening to this, but not viewing it. There is a way that you can view it as well. So you may wanna go ahead and check out what pastor Mary's wearing today when you get to do it or her chewing.

Mary Alessi [00:02:36]:
Sorry. I

Steve Alessi [00:02:36]:
was just getting

Mary Alessi [00:02:37]:
a bar.

Steve Alessi [00:02:38]:
Nice, bright Pink shirt that I'm wearing today.

Mary Alessi [00:02:42]:
Very nice and pink.

Steve Alessi [00:02:43]:
That'll help some people view this beautiful yeah. So, Mary, I love this. This is, like, really the new, fires you up. It really does.

Mary Alessi [00:02:52]:
I know.

Steve Alessi [00:02:53]:
It's like hunting all over again.

Mary Alessi [00:02:54]:
Oh, boy. It's

Steve Alessi [00:02:55]:
my new thing.

Mary Alessi [00:02:55]:
But it's way cheaper. That's true.

Steve Alessi [00:02:58]:
But, very excited about doing the podcast with you. So here's here's what we're trying to do since we want our podcast to be about Families not just working together in business, our business being ministry, but also the business of family. What happens when you're at home and how you're dialoguing and Working out your marriage, working out raising the kids, and handling all those things that go along with it. So, today, we're gonna make it a little bit more interpersonal. And the way we dialogue is husband and wife at home and communicate with each other, and we're not communication specialists here. No. So We're just gonna talk, like, where we live. K.

Steve Alessi [00:03:38]:
Okay? And here's the title

Mary Alessi [00:03:40]:
around a little bit.

Steve Alessi [00:03:41]:
See the

Mary Alessi [00:03:41]:
inside. Got it.

Steve Alessi [00:03:42]:
Here here's the title of this podcast. You ready? No. Here we go. I hate when you talk to me that way. Oh

Mary Alessi [00:03:50]:
my gosh.

Steve Alessi [00:03:54]:
Yeah. You know that feeling? Do you know those words?

Mary Alessi [00:03:57]:
I'm I'm feeling those words right now.

Steve Alessi [00:04:00]:
It. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:04:01]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:04:01]:
This is why we can't talk about this on Sunday because people would not like that we use the word hate, and they could not imagine you talking to me in in Such a way that would make imagine me going. What you're saying.

Stephanie Muiña [00:04:13]:
I hate it when you talk to

Mary Alessi [00:04:14]:
me that way.

Steve Alessi [00:04:16]:
They would not be able to imagine that.

Mary Alessi [00:04:17]:
They'd be like, pastor Steve.

Steve Alessi [00:04:20]:
Oh my gosh. Yes. Because pastor Mary has such a long fuse. Not true.

Mary Alessi [00:04:26]:
I You don't have

Steve Alessi [00:04:27]:
a fuse. You don't have a fuse.

Mary Alessi [00:04:29]:
I I have a fuse.

Steve Alessi [00:04:30]:
You do?

Mary Alessi [00:04:31]:
I just don't let anybody see it.

Steve Alessi [00:04:33]:
So here's where this came up.

Mary Alessi [00:04:34]:
Okay.

Steve Alessi [00:04:35]:
In our bathroom

Mary Alessi [00:04:37]:
Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:04:37]:
It's set up where on one side of the bathroom, you have your vanity. Yep. On the other side is my vanity. Yep. And we have 2 big mirrors in front of our vanities, and we can look in our mirrors and see each other bending over when we're brushing each other the teeth. Right? It's stupid. So We see the backs of each other's heads. The backs of each other's heads.

Steve Alessi [00:04:57]:
Yeah. So we'll get into conversations sometimes. And when we're at our individual vanities is being vain. Being very vain. And, it happened a few weeks ago that we were talking about something, and it's so stupid because I can't even now remember What we were talking about, but

Mary Alessi [00:05:15]:
Did we have a fight?

Steve Alessi [00:05:16]:
Evidently, because that's where this phrase came from in my head. And I'm like, we're gonna do a podcast about Gosh.

Mary Alessi [00:05:22]:
Thank god. The longer you're married, the less you can care about your fights or remember your fights. It's a blessing.

Steve Alessi [00:05:27]:
It is. But it wasn't that day because whatever was going on, I just didn't like the way we were talking to each other. And isn't that crazy? It's never really about what you're Arguing about that causes you to get mad at each other. It's the what what

Mary Alessi [00:05:41]:
you're saying, the way you're saying.

Steve Alessi [00:05:44]:
That's so wrong.

Mary Alessi [00:05:45]:
It but it's but it is

Steve Alessi [00:05:46]:
what it is. You said it. Right?

Mary Alessi [00:05:49]:
What?

Steve Alessi [00:05:49]:
I've been telling you that since our day we got married. I've always said married. Don't focus on what I'm saying. How I'm saying it is

Mary Alessi [00:05:58]:
and resources that can help you say it.

Steve Alessi [00:06:00]:
But you always said no. It's not about what you're Saying it's how you're saying it, but you just admitted it's never really about yes. Is this a gotcha question? It is. I got it. I gotcha. Okay. So here's the point. What is it that we're saying when we say I hate that you talk to me that way? Wow.

Steve Alessi [00:06:20]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:06:20]:
From my perspective, are we jumping in?

Steve Alessi [00:06:22]:
Yeah. Just pretend we're other people.

Mary Alessi [00:06:25]:
Okay. We're not gonna fight. No. Okay. Just pretend we're other people.

Steve Alessi [00:06:29]:
Why Ashley's here.

Mary Alessi [00:06:30]:
She's gonna keep it just in

Steve Alessi [00:06:32]:
case you come at me. Go. Unbelievable. Go ahead.

Mary Alessi [00:06:36]:
What was the question?

Steve Alessi [00:06:38]:
What do we mean? What's the what what are we trying to get across when we say I hate when you talk to me that way?

Mary Alessi [00:06:43]:
Okay. So first of all, Men and women don't talk or process the same at all.

Steve Alessi [00:06:48]:
Not at all.

Mary Alessi [00:06:49]:
And women are way more tender, usually. We live in Miami. We there's some Pretty strong women in this city. But for the most part, women don't like to be belittled or talked down to or talked to like she's a little girl. And I can only speak from my perspective. I remember when we first got married, what did I used to say to you all the time when we'd argue? What was the one thing I'd always say?

Steve Alessi [00:07:13]:
I don't don't talk to me like you're my dad.

Mary Alessi [00:07:16]:
You are not my dad.

Steve Alessi [00:07:17]:
That's right.

Mary Alessi [00:07:18]:
But she would always talk to me like, Mary, don't do that. You were you would talk to me like you were my dad. Or if I'd say, let's go get ice cream. We don't have money for how could you even ask that we're gonna go get ice cream? And it wasn't that we couldn't have ice cream or that we needed to budget. It was the always the way you said that to me. And I would get So mad at you because I would think I can handle the truth of the fact that we can't afford $3 for ice cream. But you could say it like, hey, babe. You know, maybe it's better for us that we save that money And not get ice cream tonight.

Mary Alessi [00:07:55]:
How do you think about that? What do you think about that? That's how I envisioned that you should stop and package everything for me to hear it from a better perspective so that I could absorb it and digest it better.

Steve Alessi [00:08:11]:
Okay. So That makes sense. You know what I'm hearing when I think to myself, I hate when she talks to me that way?

Mary Alessi [00:08:20]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:08:21]:
I hear forgive me, but I hear a man trying to talk to me in a certain way.

Mary Alessi [00:08:31]:
Wow. Mhmm.

Steve Alessi [00:08:31]:
Because in, a guy's mind, we're not thinking a woman is going to Say that. She she's not gonna what is she not gonna front me that way?

Mary Alessi [00:08:42]:
Challenge you.

Steve Alessi [00:08:43]:
She's not gonna challenge me that way.

Mary Alessi [00:08:45]:
No. It's true.

Steve Alessi [00:08:45]:
And so what's amazing This is where I tried we try to tell young people all the time beauty is only skin deep. Because when a guy hears A pretty woman front him or feels as though she is disrespecting him? Right. Man, he doesn't see her looks anymore. She's ugly now. She she could get pretty ugly quick.

Mary Alessi [00:09:14]:
And Isn't that funny?

Steve Alessi [00:09:15]:
That's crazy.

Mary Alessi [00:09:16]:
And women don't know that. No. Women do not know that. How many women are on the workforce right now, And they're working with a whole lot of men, and they do not understand that they don't want you to talk to them like a

Steve Alessi [00:09:28]:
man. Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:09:29]:
Not in a challenging way.

Steve Alessi [00:09:30]:
No. Now I understand gender confusion a little bit right now.

Mary Alessi [00:09:33]:
Do you?

Steve Alessi [00:09:34]:
Where a woman can become a man like that? Yeah. Did a man can become a woman just like that by talking. No. I was kidding on that last comment. Not to offend any men out there, but, Yo. It's it it is. It's all in the way we hear it. It is.

Steve Alessi [00:09:55]:
And this is this is in our home, And this actually spills over here in the office. It it's the communication that we have as husband and wife that now have to work together on a regular basis.

Mary Alessi [00:10:07]:
And it's hard.

Steve Alessi [00:10:07]:
And it's yes. It is.

Mary Alessi [00:10:09]:
It's very hard because it is almost impossible, especially when you're learning each other, to put your own feelings aside when you're in a stress moment or it Might not even be a stress moment. It just might be 1 is stressed out more than the other, and the wife approaches the husband and asks something Sweet, and she gets a harsh answer back.

Steve Alessi [00:10:26]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:10:27]:
And she hates it when he talks to her that way. I know for you and me, over the years that, because you are a different personality and a more of an aggressor in certain areas, things get you a lot more intense. I'm not intense at all. I have the a few things that I am intense about, but you don't have to tell me, what does scripture verse?

Steve Alessi [00:10:51]:
I can't read your mind.

Mary Alessi [00:10:52]:
I can't think of the word all of a sudden. Turns away wrath. A soft answer.

Steve Alessi [00:10:55]:
Oh, yes.

Mary Alessi [00:10:56]:
A soft answer turns away wrath. I would think that all the time. If you would just have a soft answer, I wouldn't be mad. Well, the truth was I'm not a mad person. Not my personality. Okay.

Steve Alessi [00:11:06]:
You see that person right there? That was never the person that I saw on the inside of you When when we would have those discussions before Dixxer. That's and and it came out in

Mary Alessi [00:11:18]:
the way we were talking. It came out.

Steve Alessi [00:11:20]:
Never saw Oh, this innocent, oh my gosh. I don't want him to hurt me kind of a thing.

Mary Alessi [00:11:24]:
No. We don't because we don't know how to communicate that to each other, especially when we're so young getting married.

Steve Alessi [00:11:28]:
And you never saw that, oh, the soft answer turns away rap

Mary Alessi [00:11:33]:
When?

Steve Alessi [00:11:33]:
When I was like, You you didn't really

Mary Alessi [00:11:37]:
I'm like, I tried to

Steve Alessi [00:11:38]:
solve the answer, and it never worked.

Mary Alessi [00:11:40]:
It never ever works in a moment. No. I don't know why.

Steve Alessi [00:11:43]:
But that's where Comic routines come from. Because in the conversation and communication of men and women, husband and wife my gosh. That's the best.

Mary Alessi [00:11:54]:
Yeah. You're on 2 totally different planets.

Steve Alessi [00:11:56]:
That is and Mary, I guess, you know, in the long run here, that's not a bad thing. No. It surely shouldn't be a deal breaker No. Because of the way he talked to her, and so it may be a bone of contention. Right. And we're we're not in Eden here in the Perfect garden environment. Even in beautiful homes, you have those times where this may be your thing. Some couples So every couple has a thing that they have to continue with.

Steve Alessi [00:12:21]:
And I would say over the years, this has probably been our thing because we have other things that are so good, But this right here can turn the good bad in a minute. Yeah. You know? And then, you know, you'll go for 3 days without talking to me and stuff. From used to.

Mary Alessi [00:12:35]:
I don't do that anymore.

Steve Alessi [00:12:36]:
But no. I'm kidding. Now now it you know this role's reverse? I'm almost, like, the one that don't wanna yeah. Don't wanna talk for a couple hours anyway.

Mary Alessi [00:12:47]:
It's funny, though, I will say, that you go from protecting yourself In the beginning of a relationship and the way you're spoken to. And I really think if I if I go back and I process it and analyze it from Where I was when I felt that way the most versus now, it's because I took myself too seriously. And I was still trying to prove that I was this adult, and I was Smart, and I was intelligent. And you're making me feel terrible about myself just because of the way you'd say it. But then when I would really look at it At what you said okay. Yeah. You're right. But, well, that was immaturity.

Steve Alessi [00:13:22]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:13:23]:
And then you would say, I talk how I talk, Mary. This is me. This is how I am. K. That's how men are. As we used to always say, this is men. You know, get around other guys. You see, we talk like this.

Mary Alessi [00:13:33]:
Look at men on the football field. Oh, it would make me so mad because in my mind, I was really more focused on really how it made me feel. It was really about me and not about what was being said. It was about how, Literally, you made me feel.

Steve Alessi [00:13:50]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:13:51]:
And if I would separate me from it and go, well, that's a you problem. If you can't be sweet and be nice, that's a you problem. That's not me. You're stressed. Are you okay? Are you alright? And vice versa. When I would get In my difficult days, you were a lot more prone, because I think men are, to go, okay. She's not having a good day. We were watching Our honeymoon video the other day.

Mary Alessi [00:14:15]:
Mhmm. And there's a moment you have the camera on me, and I am not smiling. And I don't know what mood I was in, But I am not smiling, and it did not affect your joy at all. You even say into the video, oh, she's in a She's not in a good mood. I don't know what mood Mary's in. And you keep going in the video filming our entire Mexico honeymoon, having a blast With that camera all by yourself even if I was moody. And the reality is for we women, sometimes we can get too deep in our feelings.

Steve Alessi [00:14:46]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:14:46]:
And we do make it about The way you're saying it versus what you're saying. And I think in that regard, it's probably better to think more like a man and not be so sensitive to our feelings.

Steve Alessi [00:14:57]:
Yeah. Well, we're not relationship experts.

Mary Alessi [00:15:01]:
No.

Steve Alessi [00:15:01]:
Definitely not communication experts No. And counselors. We're tear I'm a terrible counselor. But

Mary Alessi [00:15:08]:
Me too.

Steve Alessi [00:15:08]:
I do think a part of this is pretty common and normal. Sure. And it's okay. It's okay to not, do a make or break, do or die scenario when you don't like The way your spouse is talking to you Yeah. Or even your business partner, you know, anybody you're in a good re long lasting relationship with. It's just it's gonna be different communication methods. That's all it's doing.

Mary Alessi [00:15:39]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:15:39]:
Some are just gonna be more Reserved and keep things to themselves and never say say something until it just bottles up inside of them and they explode. Some are just never gonna act like it ever bothers them, and you never hear about anything only to find themselves down the road years later So filled with herd and stuff. You're like, well, why didn't you say something?

Mary Alessi [00:16:00]:
And they just bought

Steve Alessi [00:16:00]:
it. People like myself that feels like, you know, not It's not so much that, you know, I just gotta say it because I know it. It's like this is my this is my communication with you. Right. And our communication Is you know, we we have to realize it's all personalized. It's got our own thumbprint on it. It it is what it is, and as long as it's not abusive.

Mary Alessi [00:16:21]:
That's right. Okay? And that's not what we're talking about.

Steve Alessi [00:16:23]:
We're not talking about that. We're not talking about somebody who curses and uses the f bomb.

Mary Alessi [00:16:27]:
In your face Ace and all.

Steve Alessi [00:16:29]:
No. Wishes you around and tries to intimidate you. You know, that that right there is a conflicted personality person. You you Anybody that has to do that, they're conflicted

Stephanie Muiña [00:16:39]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:16:39]:
And they're they're high level of conflict. And you gotta You gotta keep some serious boundaries up with them, but most people, after, you know, 1 or 2 or 3 arguments, you know where the person is. And if you're still That's true. Having dinner the next day or breakfast the next day after the blow up the night before, you know what? You may be Able to just realize, okay. This is who we are. Right. This may be our weakest point. I'm not gonna make this a deal breaker.

Steve Alessi [00:17:11]:
I love her. I love them. I wanna be with them. You know what? If this is the worst that it gets, we can tolerate it every so often.

Mary Alessi [00:17:19]:
That's

Steve Alessi [00:17:20]:
right. And what we have found is on the front end of our relationship in marriage, it was, really, it was never you never saw my strong side before we are married because every guy knows no. No. Let me save my best Sandra on the front end of this relationship. Once I get her married, it's a little different. But be myself. I could be my so you didn't see it then, but you did see it in that first couple years of marriage Yeah. Where then our communication differences Right.

Steve Alessi [00:17:46]:
Started to play out. One thing for you was you were raised pretty much with women.

Mary Alessi [00:17:51]:
I was gonna say that.

Steve Alessi [00:17:51]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:17:52]:
I don't didn't really know anything about. You know? Yeah. That's a good point.

Steve Alessi [00:17:57]:
That's crazy.

Mary Alessi [00:17:57]:
Hot, you would've been more sensitive.

Steve Alessi [00:18:01]:
But my dad was strong.

Mary Alessi [00:18:03]:
You know what? Your dad was.

Steve Alessi [00:18:04]:
Which one of your business?

Mary Alessi [00:18:05]:
Mom was too.

Steve Alessi [00:18:06]:
They were both strong When it came to communication. As a matter of fact, one time, I ran into a guy, and I must have been in my, I was in my fifties. So not too long ago, I ran into a guy whose story says, yeah. Oh, I remember Alyssa. We lived down the street from you, and we could hear your family all the time arguing. I because my mom and dad would go out and

Mary Alessi [00:18:25]:
They'd fight. They they were strong. Irish.

Steve Alessi [00:18:27]:
Is she you know? Kind of you know? You married

Mary Alessi [00:18:29]:
your mom. Together. Of course. And my parents Never fought and got divorced.

Steve Alessi [00:18:35]:
Different kind of communication, though.

Mary Alessi [00:18:37]:
That's it.

Steve Alessi [00:18:37]:
Ours was our our laundry was aired out.

Mary Alessi [00:18:41]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:18:41]:
I mean, even the neighbors Well, clearly. But yours was not.

Mary Alessi [00:18:45]:
Yours was what? That's why

Steve Alessi [00:18:47]:
Yours was what?

Mary Alessi [00:18:49]:
Swept under the rug.

Steve Alessi [00:18:51]:
Never wanna discuss it.

Mary Alessi [00:18:52]:
Because of the way you're saying things to me. And I had to learn when we first got married, and we'd have those arguments. And it's amazing how you do go in your room and you start processing a lot, and reality does start to hit you. Those conflict moments are good for you because they do a little surgery in your heart. But I can remember realizing, well, hold on a minute. Steve is honest. He's saying what he wants to say. I can too And be respectful at the same time.

Mary Alessi [00:19:17]:
But the truth is he's saying what he wants to say to me without feeling like there's eggshells or he's worried, but he can't say what he feels. I need to be as honest as I need to be because the reality was in my family was a lack of honesty Led to the destruction of a relationship.

Steve Alessi [00:19:35]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:19:36]:
And it it really doesn't matter how you say it. Just say what you wanna say. Just don't cross the line and be disrespectful.

Steve Alessi [00:19:41]:
And funny, Your family, songwriters, wordsmiths

Mary Alessi [00:19:45]:
Well, you see Yeah. Because we packaged words. And there are a lot of people, though, that do feel there's a lot of people. There's been books written about it that making sure you say things in a specific way so that the hearer can hear it and receive it is important. At the same time, When we are in real time in a relationship and there's stress and there's a lot going on, we need to give each other grace in those moments Yeah. To either hear it the wrong way or to have said it the wrong way Mhmm. And to be couples that forgive quickly.

Steve Alessi [00:20:17]:
Yeah. And don't don't don't hold on to it for me.

Mary Alessi [00:20:19]:
That's so destructive.

Steve Alessi [00:20:20]:
I remember I had to learn this lesson, and grace is a beautiful gift to give each other.

Mary Alessi [00:20:25]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:20:26]:
Because I had to learn Somewhere along the line that, first off, as much as I would say something like, well, you shouldn't feel that way. Right. Right? I had to learn that if it's your feelings, You're owning your feelings. So you know what? I gotta respect that. I may not agree with it, and I don't want you to have it. I don't want you to always walk around On eggshells or I don't wanna have to walk around on eggshells because of your feelings. We had to work through that, so we couldn't. You had to toughen up a bit, and I had to be a little bit more more sensitive.

Steve Alessi [00:20:58]:
But at the same time, when it came to your feelings, I could not say to you, you shouldn't feel that. Shouldn't feel that way. That in itself would blow the take the argument to another 30 to 40 minutes Whole

Mary Alessi [00:21:09]:
another level.

Steve Alessi [00:21:10]:
Because you hated me saying Yes. You shouldn't feel that way.

Mary Alessi [00:21:13]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:21:14]:
But so I had to learn. You know what? It's her feelings. Right. And they are her feelings. They're real to her. May not be real to me because I'm over here thinking, well, I feel like you shouldn't feel like that that way. So I'm going by my feelings telling you don't go by your feelings, which is stupid. So I had to I had to say, uh-uh.

Steve Alessi [00:21:37]:
Respect her feelings. Yeah. I don't have to agree with agree with them, but they surely can't be denied. They are your feelings.

Mary Alessi [00:21:45]:
They're my feelings in the moment, and I'll process them. But that's where I think, you know, giving each other room. And the earlier you can learn this in your relationship, the better. Oh my goodness. Yeah. I think we did pretty good considering all we had going against us with, parental problems that we we had on the outside, but we were hard on each other in the beginning. And a lot of that was just struggle. It it didn't even have anything to do with you and me Right.

Mary Alessi [00:22:10]:
As a unit. We loved each other

Steve Alessi [00:22:11]:
Sure.

Mary Alessi [00:22:12]:
But we both were struggling internally. And a lot of times, that Happens in couples, and I I we see it even in pastoring our church, meeting younger couples, that they fight more because they're struggling individually

Steve Alessi [00:22:25]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:22:25]:
With what their expectations are, their frustrations are, and then they take it out on their spouse, and then it becomes something that it's not. And when you can stop and isolate that and go, wait a minute. This is a me problem. This isn't a you problem. You know? I started it. How many times that you Talk to me that way. I hate that you talked to me that way. I would look later on when the feelings faded and go, I started that.

Mary Alessi [00:22:46]:
Mhmm. That was me. I shouldn't have even why would I expect any of that? Because I you don't give up your best material.

Steve Alessi [00:22:56]:
Never heard that. This is a confessional.

Mary Alessi [00:22:59]:
Oh, no.

Steve Alessi [00:22:59]:
Oh, wow.

Mary Alessi [00:23:00]:
Is this mic on? Is there a rerecording?

Steve Alessi [00:23:03]:
Let let me say this, though, babe. I don't think it's healthy to ask, as long as it's not abusive.

Stephanie Muiña [00:23:13]:
Right?

Steve Alessi [00:23:14]:
I don't think it's healthy to ask a man to get so sensitive with his thoughts and words and and so on to to speak women to speak. You know what I'm saying?

Mary Alessi [00:23:22]:
It's it's crazy

Steve Alessi [00:23:24]:
to ask

Mary Alessi [00:23:25]:
a man to do that.

Steve Alessi [00:23:26]:
I I think it's I don't think it's healthy It's not. For a wife to say speak to me like I want to be spoken to like another woman. No. No. No. No. And it's not healthy for a man to look at his wife and say, okay. Speak to me like a man.

Steve Alessi [00:23:39]:
That's not gonna ever happen.

Mary Alessi [00:23:40]:
I'm gonna only hear you if you say it the way

Steve Alessi [00:23:43]:
Yeah. I

Mary Alessi [00:23:43]:
will receive it.

Steve Alessi [00:23:44]:
Yeah. If a man if a woman tries to speak like a man to a man, the man's gonna probably punch her because that's usually what ends up happening. He just sees another man. Ab absolutely. And it's not good. Right. So, the point there is I think each partner, husband, wife, has to come to grips with, This is my communication, my way of communication. I don't want it to be abusive.

Steve Alessi [00:24:09]:
I don't want it to be, neglectful either. Right? So I'm going to have to figure out a way to either soften it or be tougher Yeah. Stronger and more secure so that and what is being communicated is being communicated. What is being said is be being communicated, And it does not become a bone of contention. Right. So the issue is not left swept under the carpet and unresolved. No. You deal with it.

Steve Alessi [00:24:40]:
But you've gotta both look at each other and say, okay. This is how my wife processes and things, and this is how my husband processes and things, and I'm okay with that.

Mary Alessi [00:24:49]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:24:49]:
So then the 2nd part to that, though, is how do we now say to the kids that are watching this theater of events. And hearing it

Mary Alessi [00:25:01]:
All the drama.

Steve Alessi [00:25:02]:
How do we help them say, okay, kids. This is dad. This is mom. The good side of it is when they communicate, but, you know, when we get you loud or we we We cut each other off or we start to cuss or something like that. How do we make sure the bad part of communication's not being passed on while we still leave the door open for learning how to communicate.

Mary Alessi [00:25:27]:
Well, honestly, I think healthy homes have arguing. I think you got to have arguing to be a healthy home. So how do you teach kids to resolve their issues without when they're gonna get arguments. I mean, kids fight the most with their siblings. Yeah. The whole point of it is we're going to reach a conflict resolution. We're going to reach resolve, And we're gonna talk about it. We're not afraid to talk about it.

Mary Alessi [00:25:51]:
What dad said made me mad. What mom said made me mad. Okay. You heard that. And you know what? The old school is none of your business with your kids. Mom and dad are having a moment, and we're working it out. But then you work it out.

Steve Alessi [00:26:02]:
You gotta work it out.

Mary Alessi [00:26:03]:
You gotta come out of the room with your boxing gloves off. You can't Try to console your children and bring them into your relationship because now dad's taken off in the car, and he's mad, and he ran off, and mom is, Oh, hit the mic. And mom is, everything's fine. Oh, no. Everything's fine. And brushing that under the rug. I don't think you teach your children well.

Steve Alessi [00:26:21]:
Mhmm. But I

Mary Alessi [00:26:22]:
don't think you expose them to the argues and fights either. I think there's a healthy balance. Self control is a huge part of that. You've gotta have self control for the kids, But I don't think that it's we I remember us talking to a couple a long time ago. I'll I'll never forget it. That She he was right when they were bringing us their scenario. We're both sitting in the office, and he's telling us the scenario. And she's got her arms crossed Convinced convinced that she had it down on lockdown a 100%.

Mary Alessi [00:26:52]:
She was right, and he was a bad guy because They would argue in front of the kids. Mhmm. And you and I are both processing. We don't have the heart to tell her. We argue in front of the kids. Now we don't go crazy. Yeah. We don't have screaming matches and fights, but what he what he was saying was healthy, and what she was saying was not healthy.

Mary Alessi [00:27:12]:
And It was it was really at a point of no return for them because she had just so convinced herself that honesty With the kids was destructive. Meanwhile, she didn't realize you're not teaching your kids how to resolve an argument. Yeah. And they're meant to be resolved. And usually what happens is they'll come full circle. You'll you'll be petty. You'll bicker. You'll fight.

Mary Alessi [00:27:35]:
Kids will hear it, and like every kid does, mommy, dad, you're you're gonna get broken up. Our kids did it.

Steve Alessi [00:27:41]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:27:41]:
And you pull them in and go, guys, guys, guys, we're just fighting. You guys Fight, but we are working it out. Yeah. And you teach your kids that fighting doesn't end in breaking.

Steve Alessi [00:27:52]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:27:53]:
It just means we're humans. We're people. We get mad at each other. We get out of control sometimes, but not too out of control. But then we work it out.

Steve Alessi [00:28:01]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:28:01]:
And we move on, and we love each other more.

Steve Alessi [00:28:03]:
Right. Oh, I agree. I think that's good good good advice to anybody's in that kind of environment with their kids. It's not bad to keep them, close to you while you go through those times of disagreement where they do, however, See, there's some kind of resolve without there being this ultimate do or die, make or break scenario because then they will be insecure Right. And be afraid to express their own opinions and feelings.

Mary Alessi [00:28:28]:
And we're not talking about out of control marital issues because, like you said, we're not counselors. We're just talking about the petty stuff

Steve Alessi [00:28:34]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:28:34]:
That can lead to worse stuff. If you have issues in your marriage

Steve Alessi [00:28:37]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:28:38]:
And the kids are crying and they're in a fetal position in the corner every time, Knock that off.

Steve Alessi [00:28:42]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:28:43]:
Because that is damaging.

Steve Alessi [00:28:44]:
Mhmm.

Mary Alessi [00:28:44]:
Don't do that in front of the kids.

Steve Alessi [00:28:46]:
Most marriages break up. Relationships break up over the little things.

Mary Alessi [00:28:49]:
It's it is, Steve. Always.

Steve Alessi [00:28:51]:
And then, you know, the big things may manifest later down the road, but it was the little thing

Mary Alessi [00:28:56]:
That led to the

Steve Alessi [00:28:56]:
big thing. To it. And so The the arguments where you actually look at someone and say, I hate when you talk to me that way, that could break something up if a person doesn't realize that We all hate when people talk to us a certain way.

Mary Alessi [00:29:08]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:29:09]:
Hey. When I get pulled over by a cop, I don't like the way they talk to me.

Stephanie Muiña [00:29:13]:
Get pulled over by

Steve Alessi [00:29:14]:
Not anymore. Okay. I don't like the way sometimes a person at the counter of the store talks to me or a waiter or We're not you know, it's it's a part of life. You just don't like it when people talk to you a certain way, and it's normal, But it should not break up a relationship

Mary Alessi [00:29:33]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:29:34]:
As we come at this thing from a Healthier viewpoint. Right. It's part of communication. Sometimes it's loud. Sometimes it's quiet. Yeah. But I I would say don't Don't put it out there and be so afraid that if you do speak your mind in whatever way you do, then you gotta be insecure about the relationship.

Mary Alessi [00:29:54]:
No. I think that's

Steve Alessi [00:29:55]:
You you don't wanna sit on that stuff. No. You don't wanna be so passive and so quiet that you never say a thing.

Mary Alessi [00:30:00]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:30:01]:
And then you don't wanna be so loud and so aggressive that you become abusive. You've you have to find a real healthy balance.

Mary Alessi [00:30:08]:
And if you don't communicate, You really won't know where the lines of respect are on both sides. You have to communicate and have those conversations, and sometimes they will get heated To know where the boundaries are and what best serves your relationship.

Steve Alessi [00:30:22]:
Yeah. Because we're not we we we can't read each other's minds.

Mary Alessi [00:30:25]:
Oh my goodness. No.

Steve Alessi [00:30:26]:
And that that's almost moving into a whole another subject of prejudging something or somebody Yeah. By something they're not saying.

Mary Alessi [00:30:32]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:30:33]:
That's true. That's that's kinda nuts. Well, This has been very helpful for me.

Mary Alessi [00:30:37]:
Has it?

Steve Alessi [00:30:37]:
Yeah. Because now I know what buttons to push for you. Unbelievable. How about this? We just finished, Mother's Day and Father's Day. Right? Okay. Question.

Mary Alessi [00:30:48]:
What?

Steve Alessi [00:30:49]:
Who got the better gift?

Mary Alessi [00:30:55]:
Well, you got many gifts. I got one. I did. I got the better gifts.

Steve Alessi [00:31:06]:
Who got the most expensive gift?

Mary Alessi [00:31:09]:
I did.

Steve Alessi [00:31:10]:
Oh, yes. You did. And, he's yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:31:14]:
But there's reasons for that.

Steve Alessi [00:31:15]:
Why?

Mary Alessi [00:31:16]:
I told him specifically what I wanted. I can send them little Amazon 17.99 nose razor kits. See, that's on you, mister

Steve Alessi [00:31:25]:
It's an earringer. It's for your ears.

Mary Alessi [00:31:27]:
And your Who knows? You know? Listen. You don't understand how you gotta work these kids.

Steve Alessi [00:31:33]:
Yeah. What? Oh, communication. Cation. Yes. It is. Communication, manipulation, gifts, father's day. Way to get your gifts. No.

Steve Alessi [00:31:43]:
I'm a start working on Christmas right now.

Mary Alessi [00:31:46]:
You better.

Steve Alessi [00:31:47]:
Nah. I can help you. Nah.

Mary Alessi [00:31:48]:
Now that our kids are adults and they have to buy us stuff.

Steve Alessi [00:31:50]:
You got it.

Mary Alessi [00:31:51]:
I'll show it.

Steve Alessi [00:31:52]:
Well, Mary did get the better gift. It probably cost about 5 or 6 times more than mine. But, who washes the cars? Who

Mary Alessi [00:32:02]:
Who's the trophy wife?

Steve Alessi [00:32:04]:
Okay. We gotta go. It's getting deep in here. Thanks for joining us on another podcast of the Alessi Family Business, the TFB.