Mothers and Sons: How To Keep Your Relationship Healthy Even as Roles Change (Top Episode)

Mary Alessi:
This is an encore presentation of the Family Business with the Alessis.

Steve Alessi:
Hello and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's. I'm Steve Alessi and because family is everybody's business, I have in the podcast booth today, Mary Alessi and our son Christopher John Alessi.

Chris Alessi:
That's me.

Steve Alessi:
Yes.

Chris Alessi:
Good to be here.

Steve Alessi:
Alrighty. If you were to look at the merchandise in front of us, you'll see that there's a gift waiting for you to purchase and give your friends and wear yourself. I personally like the one about pawdience.

Mary Alessi:
That's really cool.

Steve Alessi:
That's what you are listening to us today and it explains it on the T shirt.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. And if you like to listen to podcasts, that's a great.

Steve Alessi:
That's a great one to have. Yeah. And then the onesie for the babies. That's really cool. And then of course the book 42. If you haven't got it and read it, you should absolutely guide to finishing well when you thought you were finished. All right, Mary, we're in the podcast booth today because you have a subject that you would like to discuss with your son. So I'm here to monitor.

Steve Alessi:
Take it away.

Chris Alessi:
Well, monitor immediate.

Mary Alessi:
Both, both, both, both. This is an interesting topic because I said to you the other day, I would love to go in the podcast booth and discuss this with Chris, put him on the spot and have this conversation. Because we know the relationship. Are you ready? Between mothers and sons can be strained. It can be a very difficult relationship or it could be a wonderful relationship.

Steve Alessi:
I feel like I should be sitting in the middle just to keep you all.

Mary Alessi:
No, no. I think if we're going to help our audience, one of the things that we do, we say family is everybody's business. And so we like to air our dirty laundry business out here on this.

Steve Alessi:
Put it out.

Mary Alessi:
So we need to talk about it.

Steve Alessi:
Out. So tell me what inspired this particular?

Chris Alessi:
This is going to be news to me, by the way.

Steve Alessi:
Oh yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
So it's not your fault.

Mary Alessi:
It's not you, not this time.

Steve Alessi:
It's my mother's.

Mary Alessi:
So interestingly, interestingly enough, we have your mother, a wonderful mother in law to me and a wonderful mother to you who's staying with us now for about a month.

Steve Alessi:
And.

Mary Alessi:
And you actually remodeled the guest bedroom to be larger so she could come and stay more periodically and stay longer times to be with us, which is wonderful. And she's a great house guest.

Steve Alessi:
First time in my life.

Mary Alessi:
For the first time in your life.

Steve Alessi:
Cause she's always lived right next door, down the street, really, in Miami, in her own home.

Mary Alessi:
You go see her at her house.

Steve Alessi:
Right now she's in mi casa su casa.

Mary Alessi:
So it's wonderful. She does everything she can to small herself up and be as inconspicuous as possible. And what I've noticed, though, is the daughters, like, with me and her, I love. I wake up in the morning, if she's in the living room, I grab my coffee, you know, stay in my. My robe, in my pajamas, and we just. We chat because it's cherished time, girl to girl talk. But I've noticed, like with dad, and he loves his mother and she loves him, he doesn't know how to act. He just doesn't know how to behave.

Mary Alessi:
So he gets quiet and he gets tense. And then I notice her. She tries even harder than. And she has to overcompensate. And I'm watching this game.

Steve Alessi:
Or are you

Mary Alessi:
really?

Chris Alessi:
I think I'm here to monitor what's going on.

Mary Alessi:
We need to bring Lauren back in for a counseling session. No, but it's.

Chris Alessi:
What's funny about that podcast. I'm the one who has a degree in psychology first, and yet Lauren is the one that everyone thinks we need here. Okay.

Mary Alessi:
She's.

Chris Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Chris Alessi:
Okay. You're not gonna bring me in for all things theology next year. And I have a master of theology.

Steve Alessi:
Excuse me.

Mary Alessi:
This is about mothers and sons, not fathers and daughters. This is about you and me, mister. All right, Forget him. Okay. But I thought it would be really interesting because the dynamic between and as you get older, it definitely changes and shifts. The expectations of mom changes on her son, especially if it's her only son. And I'm watching this and taking notes, just so you know. But I think you and I have a very different relationship because of verbal energy that we have.

Mary Alessi:
We talk incessantly and a lot. So it's different. Dad is a completely different personality.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
So there's a difference there. But also on the broader scale, when there's a lot of single moms raising sons and the expectation of the son and just kind of covering all of that. How simple men are really. They're so simple, and women tend to complicate them because we're complicated. So as a mother who has, in her mind, raised this savior of the world son. The perfect son. The perfect son. I mean, we're just born that way.

Mary Alessi:
You're gonna see that with Rachelle raising Marino. Stephanie's about to have Matthew. You'll see them, their mothering is very different than it is with daughters. So I think, though, I'd like for us to keep the audience listening and not turn this off. Just, you go ahead and talk about, just talk about our relationship, Chris, and my expectation or any pressure that my mothering puts on you.

Chris Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
Besides her being perfect, the perfect woman in the world in the comparison trap

Chris Alessi:
of, you know, all of that.

Mary Alessi:
I know your problems are with your dad, not me, but go ahead. Just for the sake of the podcast,

Chris Alessi:
I will say, when you brought up the topic, I got an image of, I got an image of the, the dolphin stadium, because right next to the dolphin stadium where they play all their games is a very big, like, training facility. It's a big practice field, and it's right there. And you know that the father is always the coach of the son, always that, never stop. But I have thought that the mother is that practice field. It's the training ground. And it's not that they get your worst at all. It's actually how you practice is how you'll play. And dad helped me see early on that the way I treat my mother, the way I view my mother, is the way that I will treat my wife.

Chris Alessi:
And really, as a leader, anyone, I lead, I mean, the way that I, I don't really see a one for one from the way I treat my dad to the way I treat people.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
Because he's always up. But my mom, it's like the way I treat my mom is really the way I'll treat anyone that I love. And so I've seen that. And that's why I got that image like, yeah, the game is over here, but that practice field is right there. And that's what dictates how well the game will go. And so I think there have been times where you have definitely given me a lot to practice.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Chris Alessi:
But I would say I'm, I'm, I'm one of the lucky few. Definitely one of the lucky few. And I would think that if there are sons listening, even daughters, like the way you treat your mom, regardless of who she is or, or what she does or how good the turf is, how good the facilities are.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
You know, how you practice is how you'll play. And if people don't like you and the way you treat them, your mom probably doesn't like the way you treat her.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
And so I, I, I don't know. I, I, I think that I would hope my mom would think that I treat her well.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Chris Alessi:
And I think my wife thinks I treat her well, and I do believe it's because, you know, three sisters and a mom gives you a lot of practice.

Steve Alessi:
Okay, let me interject.

Mary Alessi:
And a lot of progesterone.

Steve Alessi:
Let me interject. I like this. This is a great conversation.

Mary Alessi:
By the way, do we have any like personalized Alessi family business podcast tissues? Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Really? Brandon, you have said over the years

Chris Alessi:
that reveals the logo as the tears.

Steve Alessi:
Sorry, continue. You have said over the years, Mary, that anytime Chris and I are or Chris has a challenge with me in the office, he goes to you. And the two of you kind of,

Mary Alessi:
you practice working out.

Steve Alessi:
You practice, you coach him along the way to say, hey, this how you got to deal with your dad, this things you got to say, and so on and so forth. I know it's hard for you to believe, but he actually does the same thing with me. With you?

Chris Alessi:
No, but that's more lately that. That was never growing.

Steve Alessi:
Coffee coming in, coming in hot.

Chris Alessi:
And the tissues. There they are.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, ye.

Steve Alessi:
Wait, that's mine. Oh, did you get my coffee cup?

Mary Alessi:
I don't know, because it's about me.

Steve Alessi:
It's okay.

Chris Alessi:
Hey,

Steve Alessi:
thank you, Melanie.

Chris Alessi:
She brought me Marino in our last podcast.

Mary Alessi:
She did.

Chris Alessi:
So she's giving babies.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. He, he, he does. He, he does he. We. We talk about you, Mary, and making sure.

Mary Alessi:
Really?

Steve Alessi:
But it's all good.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah. Can I, can I.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, stop, stop, stop. See how men do? See how you all did y' all just did that. Oh, but no, it's all fine. It's all.

Chris Alessi:
Well, hold on.

Steve Alessi:
No, because we're being picture minded.

Chris Alessi:
I think we have a women would

Mary Alessi:
go, yeah, he does. Because he has issues with you and because you don't take the time to stop and talk to him and because you're a terrible father. That's how women can't handle the truth

Chris Alessi:
and men can't handle the truth.

Mary Alessi:
You think I can't handle the truth? Do you really think I can?

Chris Alessi:
Am I mediating?

Steve Alessi:
That was.

Chris Alessi:
Come on. Okay. Actually, no. I think it was a joke. You know what I think happened? So. So you mentioned mom, that. That it changes over time. And when I was.

Chris Alessi:
When I was younger, I was almost a one for one mini me of you, 100%. The way that I thought, the way that I processed, I was all you. And I think it was because what my community needed of me required that. But as things have shifted, as I've become a married man and as I've had a kid and my. Even my role in the organization has shifted, I've noticed More of him coming out in me.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
And to the point where I even, like, I'm understanding his side of things. I'm going back over my entire life to conversations where I just thought he was speaking complete and total hieroglyphics. And I'm like, I get it now. And so it's almost kind of like I. The part of me that was so much like you, I almost don't even. That that's not coming up naturally anymore. And it makes sense because I have to provide a fathering role to Marino now, a leadership role to my home, which is the, you know, we make the Enneagram joke, the eight in him. So I just.

Chris Alessi:
I don't know, like, I.

Steve Alessi:
The man in him.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah, sure it is.

Mary Alessi:
I can't.

Chris Alessi:
And now you completely shifted.

Mary Alessi:
But I think this. This is really personally. Okay, stop. Okay. I'm trying to be serious and help our pawdience. This is exactly what mothers need to hear.

Chris Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Especially. Well, I think every mother of sons, but single moms as well. Here's why. What you're saying is when you were a young man, because a mother's love is unconditional. A father's love is conditional. A father says, you take out the trash.

Chris Alessi:
And that starts in you. Even as an infant, it starts right away.

Mary Alessi:
I see it in you with Marino. Like, he cries with me, and I don't like it. I'm like, he's a baby.

Chris Alessi:
Let me be clear. I have a great. My son and I are very connected.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, God.

Chris Alessi:
We are not one. I am not. But hold on. No, because I am not. I am not one of those fathers who thinks I'm disconnected from my infant.

Mary Alessi:
No way.

Chris Alessi:
I'm very.

Steve Alessi:
We.

Chris Alessi:
I could take him for a whole day and be fine.

Steve Alessi:
You taught him how to kiss so much. Now he just wants to kiss everybody.

Mary Alessi:
He's five months old and he's kissing.

Steve Alessi:
Kid's gonna be a great kisser when he gets.

Mary Alessi:
But here's. No, he won't. He's not gonna. Okay, so here's. Here's the point.

Chris Alessi:
He's gonna tell his wife. My daddy. Well, it's better than my mom.

Steve Alessi:
I don't know.

Chris Alessi:
Let's get back. Let's get back on the.

Mary Alessi:
What happens when you just throw.

Chris Alessi:
Y' all about to see the Alessi

Mary Alessi:
Redd come out topic out. Anyway, what's so helpful about that comment, Chris, that you just made was this is the. This is the seasonal changes. And when a young man, a young boy becomes a man that mothers need to know and if he's disconnected from you and he is thinking about his wife and his children and he is not as emotionally available to you, and that's a sign you did your job. And if you're still pining over him, oh, I lost my son. And you used to this and you used to that. You're. You are eroding his manhood.

Mary Alessi:
Mothers need to understand how to talk to their husbands and their sons. It's very, very important. I'm learning as you get older how important it is, because when you were 18, 19, dad looked at me and said, and we've talked about this on the podcast. Go back and listen to those if you haven't listened to them. When we've done sessions on, you know, raising kids, we've talked about some really dark days and some difficult times in raising sons because of the stress it puts between he and I, mothers fiercely protect children.

Steve Alessi:
And what did I have to tell you?

Mary Alessi:
You were saying, you've got to let me raise him. Only a man can raise a man, Mary. And I didn't understand it until I saw one scene from Yellowstone. And it shifted for me, which was

Chris Alessi:
years after the conversation, which was years.

Mary Alessi:
And I just had to.

Chris Alessi:
It was the decade after the convers

Mary Alessi:
to have peace between you and I. There was a lot of disagreement because I felt like if you would just talk to him. I did not realize there was different things Christopher required as a man. Now, if I flip the script, I would tell you, you don't understand. Leave the girls to me in this area. And I was harder on them in some areas than you were. But that was a natural instinct for me. For some reason, as women, me particularly, I'll speak about myself.

Mary Alessi:
That was a much harder shift because when you raise a baby boy, it's very hard to release them. What you know, you have to to this, what you see as this man who's hard and he's just so aggressive. And I don't want my son to be that way, but he is that way. That's just inside of him. And you know what I used to say? I used to realize this. I would say to myself, christopher is a much better version of himself. When you piss him off, when you would make him angry and he'd have to fight back through his testosterone, I would like that version of Chris so much better. Once he'd process it and go, dad, you're right, because he always came to terms with it.

Mary Alessi:
The point that this is, this that I'm making with mothers and sons is a mother is instinctively not going to want to get her son to that place. Because moms see hostility and anger in their son as a negative rather than a positive. She doesn't realize that that good hostility is stirring up testosterone. That's stirring up his strength and his power, and he needs that.

Chris Alessi:
Well, I heard it said this way, reading a book about, you know, fatherhood. And he talks about how if your son's playing a sport, basketball, football, and let's just say this. He wants his mom there.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
He wants his mom making signs celebrating him. He wants his mom to see him as the world and to think he's great. But if he hurts his knee and he's on the. On the field, he does not want his mom running onto the field.

Mary Alessi:
My boy.

Chris Alessi:
My boy. To help him.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
He doesn't want that. He wants his dad there.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And in reality, I think moms don't realize that dads really don't celebrate, which is fine. That's why the mom is valuable.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Chris Alessi:
The dad is valuable. When he gets hurt, he wants his dad there with the coach to make sure are things good.

Mary Alessi:
And so, because he covers the son's pride, and it just.

Chris Alessi:
It helps. And I think the thing there is recognizing that men need other men for direction.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
We need other women. We need mom for celebration and love. And the truth is, we see everything through a lens of respect. If we don't feel respected, you're not going to get the best of us. The mother has to celebrate so we feel respected. But if that celebration becomes the only direction they get, then you create narcissists.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
Because now they are always, always, always driven by just the celebration. And it is the dad who gets to be there to temper that. It is the dad that gets to say, you're good, you're not great. It is the dad that helps there so well.

Mary Alessi:
Or the mom that says, you're great just because you are and you're here and you're wonderful. And the dad's like, no, you're not. If you don't do the things I ask you to do, you're not that great.

Chris Alessi:
So I already shared this with Rochelle, this whole analogy, you know, telling her, you're good. There's going to be a day, and it's not two decades from now, it's much less where you're going to have to turn something off. And let me do it all with this, with this boy, especially because of how aggressive he already is at five months old.

Mary Alessi:
It's crazy.

Chris Alessi:
Like I told I told Mom I'm working out now not to look good. It's just to stay stronger than him. But, like, I, I, I really do think so. She already, she was already feeling sad about that.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And I'm like, you gotta leave a little soon.

Steve Alessi:
Six months. You're, You're.

Chris Alessi:
No, but it was just because I was reading it, we were discussing it, and I'm like, you've got a decade and a half. Like, you're gonna be okay. But she is already processing. Like, there's something in me that does need to be bridled at some point with this boy.

Mary Alessi:
Because you're. It's fierce, your protection. That's my baby. And you, you feel the same way with your daughters, but you are a girl. It's just so different. And you, you use the big R word, and I think for the holidays, you use the word respect. That's a huge one. And I think it's very.

Chris Alessi:
It's our currency.

Mary Alessi:
It's men's currency. And how would a mother show respect to her son to get the very best out of him and better the relationship? And let's just take the holidays, for example. Like, if we could give them a scenario, because I know over the years where you've needed respect, and it was consideration just considering your plans, that you have a lot on your plate. And, Chris, you say this all the time, whether you realize it or not, I need to know what the expectation is, and the girls will go, well, we know what the expectation is. You show up, you go, whatever. But it's very different. And I noticed dad was always that way. He liked clear plans and clear expectations because men are just wired differently.

Mary Alessi:
So how does a mom show respect to get the right reaction from her son?

Chris Alessi:
You know, I think, I think when I feel misrepresented, I feel disrespected, right? Like, if, If I'm not given the benefit of the doubt, when I feel like I've proven myself in certain areas, that really bugs me. And what I mean is, if it, like, for instance, with Rochelle, or if I feel like I'm sharing something for the sake of freeing you guys and I met back with some type of opposition, like, I was somehow saying something bad. I can't stand that. And it's because it's not a miscommunication issue. It's almost like I feel like I've earned that. My intention here is to serve and make you feel better. It's not to make you feel bad.

Mary Alessi:
So have you become the man that fixes everything?

Chris Alessi:
I've become the man that has to recognize I don't say everything.

Steve Alessi:
Well, that's a shock.

Chris Alessi:
But the reason I bring that up around. Around the holidays is because that. That will bug me with you, too. Like, where I'll feel like something that I'm trying to do or. Or I'm trying to say is being heard through emotion. Right in the moment. And I'm so far from that in my mind. I'm like, I'm.

Chris Alessi:
I'm trying to make this day easy for you, but it's being read through a whole different lens. So then it comes out, like I was telling you the other day, a moment where I was like. I was like, rochelle, you don't have to cook. Marina's not feeling good. Don't even worry about cooking. She's thinking, you don't like my food.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
And I'm like, I'm literally here thinking, you know what? I'd rather spend the money and deal with that. So we get to sit and relax. So you kind of process something through, like, emotion. And I was just trying to, like, play my part well.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
And that. That I think can. Can be difficult.

Steve Alessi:
Okay. I could. I can speak into this for a second place of use a mother. How can she do something for the son?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Understanding. So you would get up on a Sunday morning and you say, hey, in a text if you all want to go to lunch or, you know, then let's all be here at, you know, right after service and so on and so forth. And if you want to come, great. If you don't. And that could be kind of like

Chris Alessi:
a no pressure type thing.

Steve Alessi:
No pressure kind of thing.

Mary Alessi:
Right, right, right.

Steve Alessi:
And then you're thinking, chris, like, all right, we're going to do this, but when?

Chris Alessi:
Oh, okay. A better. The exact example is, hey, we're thinking of doing lunch at some point. Let us know if we could figure. And it's like, tell me we're doing lunch at one.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Because by the way, I say to her, hey, tell the kids we're eating lunch today.

Mary Alessi:
We're going to Cooper's Hawk, making a reservation, one o'.

Chris Alessi:
Clock.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Okay.

Chris Alessi:
Say it, because then it's easy. Then we go, okay, right. I'll be there at one and I can do my own thing. But mom says we're thinking of it. And what she's trying to do is say, when you can fit us in, fit us in. But that's like, it's actually easier to tell us how big is the puzzle piece. We're trying to fit. We want to do it at one o'.

Chris Alessi:
Clock. We want. So, okay, great example. Tell me where. Around the Thanksgiving table. Where do you need me? What can I do? Tell me exactly how I can benefit, right. If. If I need to.

Chris Alessi:
To. And I think Marino's made it easy because we love getting him around you guys. But before that, it was like, tell us when we should be at your house.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Chris Alessi:
When do you want us to come be there? And part of it is because we have so many other things. A young married couple, we're trying to figure out. Don't give us another thing to try to figure out.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
It's just very true.

Chris Alessi:
Give us that Jenga block.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
Just tell us where that fits. It actually alleviates us.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, it drives me crazy too, because she'd say, be here for lunch at 1 o', clock, 12 o'. Clock. I'm like, where are they at? She's like, why? I told them one o'. Clock. I said, mary, I need help setting this place up. Get them here at 12. You tell them to show up at 1, they show up at 1. Nobody's helping set up.

Steve Alessi:
And I'm the one responsible. So I get on her, why didn't you tell them? But.

Chris Alessi:
And then we all had kids, and now the men show up carrying baby bags. And dad goes, I got this. Dad's got everything set up. It's like, we came here early.

Mary Alessi:
Well, no, it's true.

Chris Alessi:
I will say this. I actually was talking to one of the single moms in the church. She's got a young boy. He's 15 years old. He's a stud. We were talking and she was telling me. I actually asked her, do you know how profound what you just said was? But she told me that when she was pregnant with him, she remembers when he was like four, five, six months, she was pregnant with him. She was like, I don't ever want to know a day without having my child inside of me.

Chris Alessi:
This is the most beautiful thing in the world. And then towards the end of it, it got so uncomfortable and so hard. She's like, cut this kid out of me.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Chris Alessi:
So she went from, like, I could never see a day to get rid of him.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And then all of a sudden, he turned. You know, he's like. He's like 9, 10. And he's so sweet and things are great. And she. I could never imagine this kid moving out and getting married. My boy, I could never leave him. Then he turns 14.

Chris Alessi:
He's got friends, he's Got hormones, and she's like, what's the legal age? I can kick my son out of my home.

Mary Alessi:
We get it.

Chris Alessi:
She realized that that conflict in her case was a gift.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
Because she would have held onto her son forever. She would have kept him in the womb forever. She would have kept him in the home forever. And I think that's one of the things. Maybe that's the reason that moms don't want to see the anger, because the anger is actually the sign he's getting ready to come out of the birth canal.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
It's the sign he's. He's got to go into the world on his own. And you're trying to stop that, but it's actually a gift. And I actually think in the season where I didn't have all that testosterone, dad, and I wouldn't fight the season. It started pumping through and I started fighting him. Getting. Trying to help soften. That really did get in the way.

Mary Alessi:
It did.

Chris Alessi:
I needed that. I needed to process that. I needed to see where do I fit in this world? Where. What do I do with these emotions? What do I do with this feeling? And I will say, once we got in order, your input in my life helped me, because I am. And I'm not emotional, but I've learned I can be angry and not sin. And you've taught me how to do that. You've taught me how to still be soft even though I'm. I can be, you know, harder.

Chris Alessi:
And so I do think that if a mom realizes just because she doesn't have the direction role doesn't mean she doesn't have a really important role. I think she'll. She'll always fight the dad on it, and she'll create a son she doesn't like.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, 100%. And you're just like your father. That's what it. That's what ends up.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, that's the whole thing. Be angry and sin not.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
The anger thing is the father. So that's the thing that she didn't like in me when I get angry. So she'd see. But then she taught you the sin not part. I taught you how to be angry because that's what men do. She taught you how to sin. Not in the midst of your anger, which is. Which is a great balance, which is why it's so important husbands and wives really stay focused on making sure those kids are being raised.

Steve Alessi:
But, you know, you've got single moms out here that are trying to raise their kids on their own. Maybe the Most freeing information that would be shared today is for the mom to realize, all right, take it as far as you can, but then recognize there's going to be a time where you have to see, wait, he's not rejecting me. When he wants to start doing things or maybe even wanting to be closer to his dad, be around his dad, have his dad in his life. Even if it's a divorce situation and she's the mom, the wife's very upset with the ex, it's good for him to be able to still have that connection with that father because the father is helping in areas and the mom needs to just step back for a minute because then the season will come back around where she needs a little more. How to navigate it all. I don't know. I consider myself pretty wise, but at 63 and having my 85 year old mom in the house, I'm still kind of clueless because there's feelings that I have, there's thoughts that I have and I got to be so sensitive that in the midst of that she's in the living room, she wants just to sit there and wants to have coffee and may say something in the middle of the show that we're watching. And I'm wanting to listen to the show more and I have to be sensitive to that.

Steve Alessi:
It's a little confusing, it's a little conflicting because the last thing I ever want her to feel like is in my home. She's not appreciated and valued and wanted and I'm very grateful. Mom's phenomenal helping me. She treats her better as her mom than I treat her as, as the mom. Because I'm here, the mom, the son at this season of life is to fix things, step into what dad used to do, right? Fix things. And I feel like I've done my job. But to sit and have long conversations and be okay with moments of silence and quiet, that, that's a little awkward. And then wanting to watch show.

Steve Alessi:
I mean, last night we're sitting around and I'm trying to watch whatever we can watch on TV and she finally looks at me. I don't know, 10:30, she goes, are you tired? Are you ready to go to bed? And I'm like, thank God she brought it up.

Chris Alessi:
I do need to go to my room.

Steve Alessi:
I didn't want to leave her alone.

Mary Alessi:
Can I go to my room?

Chris Alessi:
She's the one who's actually saying, steve,

Steve Alessi:
I'm going to ask you this question, but the reality is I'm ready to be alone. I want you to Leave.

Mary Alessi:
I really like you to get.

Steve Alessi:
I want to go to my room, take a shower, read.

Chris Alessi:
She's the only grandmother in the world. It's like when she had her house. Grandma, you want us to come over? No, no, I'm okay. I'm gonna spend my day reading my books.

Steve Alessi:
But you're guilt. I have like, oh my gosh, she can't be alone. But she wants to be alone. So I can't stand say there's a way to actually do it. The right, the. The wrong. I think it's good to recognize this is going to be awkward. And the more we're aware of it, it becomes a little bit more manageable.

Steve Alessi:
And as a son and a mother, there's, you know, your wife and you're going to have a great relationship, but the uniqueness of the mother and the son is really, really precious. And I gotta say, you guys do pretty good at it, especially since you work together. And maybe, you know, you do have a lot like her. Probably why you and I are able to work so well together.

Chris Alessi:
Probably.

Mary Alessi:
Well, I want to say my last point. You can say whatever you want, but what I think all the moms like me that are wanting to hear and need to hear whether your kid is 10 or whether he's 40 or 50, 30, however old your son is, I think the most important thing that a young man needs, a son needs from his mother is for her to understand the power of respect. Respecting his time, respecting his decisions, respecting his life and honoring it. And do not over complicate his responses. And you said it. You feel like you've earned intention, what your intentions are. And sometimes women complicate that. Oh, he said this.

Mary Alessi:
But is that because maybe his wife doesn't want to come and women are masters of speculation. Masters. And we will have better relationships with our sons. And I think our sons will even go above and beyond to do more for us when we don't speculate towards a negative conclusion. But we said, I asked them, he gave me a clear answer and that's all that he meant.

Steve Alessi:
That's what he means.

Mary Alessi:
He can, he can't, he will, he won't. That's what he means. If I need him, I need to call him. I need to be clear about the time. These are the expectations. Don't add, no pressure. Because if you're asking him, it automatically puts pressure. Am I right?

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Okay, so if I'm asking you, just asking you straight up with clear intentions and clear details now, do you want to know what a mom wants from her son.

Chris Alessi:
Absolutely.

Mary Alessi:
I think for the moms that are out there listening, what a mother wants is really for him to just be sweet to her, walk in the room and hug her. And you do this. You are a very sweet son. But just don't be disconnected from her. Just don't be cold to her. Hug her and love her and say, mom, I love you. What do you need? You want to take the garbage out? It is so easy. It really, really, really is easier than you think.

Mary Alessi:
But I also think for the young men who have wonderful mothers and fathers at home and they're married and now they're over at their wife's family, because that happens, that's a very natural progression. Don't forget about your mom. Make sure you, you keep equal, fair time. And you fight for that relationship too. Because it's so easy for a young man to go, yeah, we're just going over to her parents. Because sometimes the expectation on him is less at the in laws.

Steve Alessi:
Oh, totally.

Mary Alessi:
And that's something that he needs to be respectful of and say, my mom and her home and my dad and his home is just as important and just as valid as your mom and dad. And split those times equal.

Steve Alessi:
They need to be split.

Mary Alessi:
Be fair. If you've been at her mom's house two or three times in a row, then you better even that out and not have for your mother to have to ask you. You go, it's only right. I've got to honor and love my parents because they honor and love me.

Steve Alessi:
Cool.

Mary Alessi:
And that's it.

Steve Alessi:
I love that. Do you have anything you want to say before we close this thing up?

Chris Alessi:
You know, I, I think this is really, this is great. I, I do think it's, it's. I, I don't know.

Steve Alessi:
I. Wow.

Mary Alessi:
This is not happening.

Chris Alessi:
I would want the podcast to know that whenever I get up there and I preach, dad's made reference of it. I say all the time, my dad said this, my dad said this, my dad said this. But the hardest lessons that I've had to learn as a person. The only reason the pill was able to go down was because of conversations I had with you.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
And I would want. There is a 1A and a 1B. The father has to be the 1A.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
But it's kind of like we think you can get everything from Amazon. No, you can't. You need other stores.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Chris Alessi:
You cannot get everything from any one store.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Chris Alessi:
So the reality of it is the mom has to realize that the son can't get Everything from your store.

Mary Alessi:
Yep.

Chris Alessi:
Even if the dad's a deadbeat, he needs things from the men's store.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. That's so good.

Chris Alessi:
The things he needs from your store are absolutely invaluable.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Chris Alessi:
And I am telling you, the hardest pills for me to swallow, that always initiated with him.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
We would start fighting, and I'm like, I am not gonna lose this time. He's gonna lose this time. It was in those moments that my mom talking to me.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Chris Alessi:
Sometimes, like, he would talk to me. Help that pill go down.

Steve Alessi:
That's so good. So what you're saying is she's Victoria's Secret and I'm big and tall. If you're gonna go shopping, well, don't. Well, I would say this, man, if you're gonna. Yeah, that's a great way to say it, baby. He's got a shop for his wife.

Mary Alessi:
Candies and sweets.

Steve Alessi:
Okay, perfect. So here's what I would say. If you're gonna go hang out, son, with your in laws, just make sure you're not on the phone when you're around her families. Stay as engaged as you would your own. All right, that's it from the Alessi Family Business podcast booth. Thanks for joining us. Hope you were encouraged. And if you think this episode might help a father, a mother, and a son, why don't you go ahead and send it to them like it.

Steve Alessi:
Get them to subscribe, and let's have fun as we continue bringing to you the Alessi family business, where family is everybody's business.

Mary Alessi:
Thanks so much for joining the Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time because family is everybody's business.