Pressure Or Purity? How to Help Girls Develop a Healthy Self-Image

Discussing societal pressures on women

SPEAKER_02 0:00

That's the word. It's not, she's not showing her butt or anything like that. But she did a pose. Her face was a certain way that I'm like, that isn't a TikTok face. That's a pose that she learned from somebody. Because I know her mom. I know her dad. I know her aunt. They know everybody that nobody poses. But she's getting it from somewhere. Someone's teaching her that's the way that you look. That's how you look pretty. Yes. Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Family Business Podcast with the Alessies. We are so glad that you joined us for another amazing episode this week. Now we get to come in as sisters. We're hosting this week. My name is Gabby. This is my sister Stephanie, as you guys know, the family. And we are popping in today to share a little bit about modesty. I mean, it's kind of modesty, but it's more about purity, Instagram image, everything. It's about, it's really for girls. So let's start out by saying this. It's for the women. If you're a dad watching, maybe if you're a brother, if you're a man watching this, you can take this and use this as tools that you can share. But this really is for the ladies and for all ages. I think this does reach women of all ages. Yes. Um, we felt it on our heart because it's something that we battle with, we talk about a lot, which is pressure versus purity. Keeping up with the societal pressure, the social media pressure of looking a certain way, posing a certain way, posting a certain picture versus living a life of purity and pursuing that purity. And so that's what we want to talk about today. We we want to dissect it a little bit. And we don't want to talk too much about purity. I think really we want to talk about character development and how the societal pressures of how to look and how you look can actually affect your character. And over the long run, you will sow more seeds of insecurity versus security, confidence in who you are, because confidence lasts a lifetime. Yes. So what intro comments do you want to add?

SPEAKER_00 2:12

Because we're jumping we're diving in. I know we are. First of all, I will say I'm very glad to do this with you alone. We haven't done one, I think just you and me. It's always been like with Lola or whatever. And we're so glad that Lauren's not here. By the way, her name is now Lauren Burgos. Lauren Burgos. Burgos. Burgos Burgos, because that's gonna be really hard for me to say. I know. But it's exciting. Our sister now has joined us, the married crew. We're all married now, so she's better. She's better.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Now finally she reached her sixth. She's reached it. And she just started over. Day one. Marriage is day one. Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_00 2:50

And I feel also like we've been talking for 24 hours straight. Because we were we've been talking personally at home, like nonstop. So we're gonna have a wonderful conversation today.

SPEAKER_02 3:00

No, but I'm I'm let me say, I whenever we have to do a podcast, I'm like, how are we gonna film? Like 45 minutes is so long. Like, how are we gonna keep talking? Our phone call last night was 55 minutes. 55. I was just gonna move on.

SPEAKER_00 3:12

I know. No, this is gonna be the easiest buckle up. No, and we might end up talking about something totally different at the end, which is why this is good for girls to be listening because girls can keep up with us.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

I know.

Social media and self-image

Balancing beauty with inner values

SPEAKER_00 3:23

Men, we are sorry. I know, or hop along for the ride. It's pretty fun. You might like it. No, I really love this topic because you know, I was born into the social media era. I 1996, so by 15, 6, 14, there was my space Facebook aim. All of the stuff, all of it, and then by 16, 17, I had my Instagram. Yeah. And immediately it, even though, yes, it was about like just taking a cool photo of that flower and putting on the sepia filter and posting, it was so simple. It was those were the simple days. I missed them actually because they were a lot of fun. You only followed people you knew, you only followed people you knew. And there, about like two years into it, there were people that were trying to build followers, like, but it was through photography. Yeah, it was a photographer's app. No, the word influencer was not even on the radar. No, and it was really, really cool, but it let's not lie, it did add the pressure of do you take cool photos? Can you be photogenic? And I will say, pretty early on, I did. Well, it's funny because even before Instagram, you had a laptop and we would take photos on the photo booth app on the on our iMac, and like you would do like cool photos and stuff, and you would have like the hearts around your head. So at a very early age, I was confronted with the thought that I was not photogenic, like at 14 years old, and I could be photogenic if I posed like this, and then Snapchat came, more filters came, and then in my 20s it blew up, and now TikTok is a whole other thing. So I think that what I really want to hone in on is our generation has equated our value on our level of photogenicness. If you as a girl can do your makeup and paint your face like the best of the best, with all of the best skin routines, with all of the best um makeup items. If you can do your makeup like a true makeup artist, and then if you can snap a picture that does, deep down whether we want to admit it or not, it does in our mind equate our pretty value. Yeah. Our pretty value, our image. We find value in that. We find thank you for helping me. So that is where I've just been really beaten up about it because it's followed me now into my late 20s. Yeah. Where it's not an immature thought that girls just grow out of. We still kind of deal with it into our late 20s. Maybe in my 30s, I'll get rid of it. But there's a lot of women that I see in their 30s that struggle with the same thing. And now they bring their babies into it, where your babies have to wear all the cute outfits and you got to take all the cute photos, which let me set it straight now. I think God has placed in us this desire to be pretty, and that is a good thing. Yeah. It is good for us as women to take care of ourselves, to style our hair, to take care of our skin, to wear nice outfits. That I love about being a woman. I love that about being a teenage girl, going shopping and looking pretty. But it maybe goes too far when we've allowed it to impact our value. Yeah. And we've made it more important than developing godly traits that outlast those beauty trends.

SPEAKER_02 7:09

Yes. Well, what triggered this conversation for me and brought it up was Coachella. And I was on Instagram a lot and I've been scrolling. You see the for you page and or Instagram, it's the Explore page. And everything that pops up, the the trend right now is what did you wear to Coachella?

SPEAKER_00 7:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:29

What did you look like at Coachella?

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Or Kendall Jenner's simple Coachella outfit. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 7:34

Or stagecoach. Like stagecoach was just this weekend. So it's it's catching you up on all these girls to where there's two things I noticed. Number one, it's almost like the only purpose you go to these events is to dress up and look like that. Yeah. But then second, they use this event as an excuse to dress a certain a certain way that these people would not dress like this on the street. Normal. Yeah. And I was looking at these videos and they're at the top of the trends. And it was like the best outfit or the coolest outfit was based on how much skin you can show. Crazy. Um, how skinny you could look. Oh, yeah, how perfect your makeup is. They almost look like anime characters. Yeah. Yeah. They they look a certain way that they look fake. Yeah. And now I'm watching this for me, and I'm thinking, number one, I could never wear that bralette. Not because it's inappropriate. I would not look good in that bralette. That would never be me. And those low rise jeans, God forbid I wear low rise. Please don't bring it back. You don't want it. Saved all of us. You don't want this. So I'm watching this and I'm like, if I'm 15 years old looking at this, dude, then I am number one, I'm believing I need to go to this event. Yeah. Justin Bieber's there, Sabrina Carpenter, everybody's there. I gotta be there. Oh my gosh. And then number two, I gotta look like this. Yeah. And the only way to be pretty and to feel cool and to be validated and to be trending is if I look like this and go to this place. Yeah. And I think that's where we're having an issue, where I'm seeing an issue in our society where it's like, I know there's there's other trends too. Yeah. But Coachella did bring up like the the more revealing you look and the more loose you look, the more stylish it is. Yeah. The cooler that you look. The the the tighter the shirt, the the smaller the shirt, the better it is. Yes. And they're they're portraying this environment, like Coachella's just this like free utopia of a place. And it's just everybody needs to be there. It's absolutely incredible. And what's funny is I saw somebody post a video of they were like, this is the reality of what Coachella is. Looks miserable. Nobody's moving. No one's moving. They say it, the the field is disgusting. Yeah. Like the shoes that you wear, you have to wear like shoes you can get dirty. They're like, it stinks. The lines for the bathroom, the the bathrooms are like porta potties, the lines are disgusting. No. They said that they're paying like$600 for the whole weekend. Paying so much money. And it's just, I just hate what it's communicating to the younger girls. Yes. I get really frustrated because I work with young girls every single week at Youth Group that are going through puberty, which is normal.

SPEAKER_00 10:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

Kendall Jenner went through it too. Haley Bieber went through it too. Oh yes, they did. But they're not portraying something of, hey girls, that's normal to look like that. We've all been there.

SPEAKER_00 10:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:31

They're creating this idea of a woman. Yeah. That you have to look this way. Yeah. Because all the girls at Coachola look the same. You can't tell me they're all different and they all dress how they want to dress. They dress like an image. Yeah. And now it's creating this or communicating this narrative with girls of this is what beauty is.

Pregnancy and at-home comfort

SPEAKER_00 10:50

And listen, I know that they say men are visual and they are. But girls are visual too. Because if you are a parent with a daughter, they are watching, they are analyzing, they are absorbing. We as women, if another pretty girl comes in the room, we are doing everything in our power to look like them. Yeah. And it happens even now. It's like, oh, she did her makeup like that. Okay, I want to do my makeup like that now. She did her hair like that. I need to do my hair like that.

SPEAKER_03 11:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:21

The other day, yeah, last night, I'm pregnant. I'm I'm six months pregnant, so my belly comes out. And if I wear a tank top at home that's tight, it it rides up. But I'm at home. So I'm like, whatever. So I'm wearing like my sweats and I'm wearing these high-rise um gray sweatpants and a black tank top. And my shirt starts to rise up, but I'm pregnant. I'm tired. I I'm in my home. So my belly comes out. And my four-year-old daughter comes over to me. I wore it, Gabby. This is the first time I've ever shown my belly at home. I don't even wear outfits like that. I was wearing it for 30 minutes. She comes over to me, mommy. I want to wear a shirt like you to show my belly. And I went, wait a minute. Wait a minute, Gianna. No, I'm just, wow. I'm I'm pregnant, baby. My my honestly, my skin was itching because I tanned the day before. So I was like itching my belly. And I was just dry. And I was like, no. So I had to cover my stomach. I pulled in my pants, pulled out my shirt, and I was like, Gianna, we don't, I don't do that. Mommy doesn't show her belly like that. We don't dress like that. But it showed me how quickly a young girl at four years old already absorbs a woman that she admires, what she's wearing. Totally.

SPEAKER_02 12:42

And we do it all the time. And I'm glad you said that because if moms don't set that example, yeah, they will look to other people.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

Yeah.

Dressing with modesty and respect

SPEAKER_02 12:50

So I see a lot of girls. It's true. It's so true. I see it time and time again that their mom looks a certain way, but the girls look completely different. And it's almost as if I don't, I don't know the background, I don't know the breakdown of the family, but the mom has not set a standard of what is beautiful and what is pure and what is modest, but also what's respectable. Like it's not just about modesty, it's being respectable. And people look at you and they're not, they're not having images or thoughts or or ideas about you because you're dressed in a way that that it exudes respect. Yes. Like people look at you and go, wow, I can respect her because of how she's how she's dressing. Yes. And the mom hasn't created that boundary. Because yeah, we can go back to the father. The father needs to to to lay that or draw the line. And I get that. But it's big on the moms too because the daughters are watching their moms.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

And I think as moms, we we do have the responsibility, along with the father, to teach our daughters where they gain their value. Yes. Where they gain their pretty value. 100%. And Gianna loves to play with makeup. And it's fake makeup, but I I love that she loves to play with it. But I as a mom, because I know the female brain, have to step in and show her, Gianna, you're pretty without makeup. You're pretty because you're kind. When you smile like that, when you say hi to people, when you go and hug on Papa and Mia, that's when you're really pretty. Yeah. When you're just when you say yes, mommy, that's when you're really pretty. Jesus makes you pretty. And that's where if we are not teaching our young girls where to gain their value, they're gonna run to uh TikTok and Instagram to learn that the way to be pretty is to fix your image. Yeah. And it's pretty easy to alter that. Like 100%. You can change so much with bronzer. You can change so much with some concealer.

SPEAKER_02 14:51

Well, Steph, with with AI and with Photoshop, I've I've seen uh girls uh that I've known that alter a photo. I've seen people that are older that I have so much respect for, and it's older women alter a photo.

SPEAKER_00 15:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:07

And I'm looking at it like, why did you need to do that? Like, who are who are you submitting this photo to that needs it to look this way? I know. Who told you that this is the requirement for a photo? I know. I've seen girls that refuse to smile in pictures, refuse to show their teeth. It's crazy. And and they have their face and they have their pose, and it's beautiful, they're gorgeous. Yeah. But I don't know, growing up, it I remember we would all try to do that, and dad would always tell us, Mama, show us your smile, smile, show the picture. Because it when you would do this, it was like if you're just like, you're concealing something, you you don't want to show your full self. Yeah, and it comes up in little things, yes, it comes up in the little poses. I saw a sixth grade girl, oh my gosh, I almost lost it. My poor children, my poor children, because I'm like a mom at youth group now. I saw a sixth grade girl, and and the thing with with sixth grade girls is that like that transition to fifth and sixth happened so fast. It's I just don't even want to think about it. They are babies, they come into youth group stuff as baby dolls. They look around like nobody, like a wounded bird almost. They're perfect, do not touch them. They get into to school, they get into middle school, they get social media, whatever it is. And it was a Wednesday night. We had a photo booth set up, we were having a party, and I saw this little girl posing in a certain way. It wasn't inappropriate, but it was just too mature. It's yes, that's the word. It's not, she's not showing her butt or anything like that. But she did a pose. Her face was a certain way that I'm like, that isn't a TikTok face. That's a pose that she learned from somebody because I know her mom, I know her dad, I know her aunt. They know everybody that nobody poses. They don't pose like that. But she's getting it from somewhere, someone's teaching her that's the way that you look, that's how you look pretty. Yes. And you are presenting yourself as something that us older girls really need to start shaping up. I know. And we really need to help, we do need to involve ourselves and call out these young girls in a good way of hey, uh, when you smile, it's gorgeous. Yes, I know. Or when you're fun, that's a beautiful attribute of yours. Or when you're confident, that's when you're the most beautiful.

SPEAKER_00 17:22

Yeah. Because these kids are watching our every move. I know. Well, we're all following the same people, so that's why you can't fool us. You caught that because we're all following Haley Bieber, guys. We're all following Kendall Jenner. You didn't just do a cute, innocent sixth grade pose. You did that Haley Bieber pose from her makeup tutorial she posted last night. 100%. We're all watching the same videos. Like, it's it's crazy because I'm getting my my makeup info from the same girl that this sixth grader is getting her makeup info from. And I think that like what frustrates me for the next generation, not not of the next generation, because I love Gen Z. I think they have something so special about them. We're on Gen Alpha, I think, now, which is scary.

SPEAKER_02 18:06

Is it Gen Alpha? Alpha Alpha. Alpha, yeah. Well they are not the alpha.

Social media vs. real life perceptions

Dealing with body changes

SPEAKER_00 18:12

I don't know. Gianna's pretty got some alpha tendencies. No, but I I genuinely love them. I I I really want to be embracing of the next generation. But what can frustrate me, um, what what makes me so mad about the attacks of the next generation is how they really do feel better about themselves if their their Instagram or their TikTok is matches the image of a Hayley Bieber or something else. And then when I see them in person, they look nothing like their Instagram. They look nothing like their TikTok, where it's like, where did that beautiful girl go? Why, why did you turn it off for real life? Because this is real life. Yep. And we are starting to get the lines blurred between Instagram and TikTok being real life and this physical world being real life. Yes. Because now that I'm I'm gonna turn 30, I'll be honest, I feel the prettiest I've ever looked. I feel the best I've ever looked. My skin has finally cleared up. My I've I have like the mom bod, which I love. I love your mom bod slash Grinch bod. Yeah, right. It goes from Grinch to pretty, very weird. Give me nine months and it it'll change up on you. So true. But like the honestly, myself now compared to where I was at 21, I love how I look right now. So it does get better. Yeah. You we put it on display when we're younger, but it actually gets so much prettier when you get older and you you become more grounded. But um you do have ugly seasons where seasons where you don't really, not ugly seasons, you do have seasons where you don't really like how you look when you get pregnant. When you just gain a few pounds, your body switches up on you, your hormones. Jupiter. And then you are confronted with the idea of, and I know this sounds funny, but you do have this thought of, oh, okay, I guess my personality just has to shine now. 100%. Like, I guess I gotta be funny. Yes. Because I I had this pretty girl syndrome when I was younger, where I would take a pretty picture of myself, post it, people would respond, and I'd feel better about myself. Well, now I can't do that. Yes. Because I don't really like how I look. So I guess I just gotta be nice. Yes. And then you're like, how shallow is that for me to think that way? That I have forgotten that my personality, which is around for my entire life, way more, way longer than my looks. I've put that on the back burner. Yes. And I've fulfilled my value with pictures of myself, yeah, with a pretty makeup inspiration, whatever it is. Yes. And I wish that I could preach to the entire next generation, and that everyone can hear me and understand me when I say godly traits, being kind to people, smiling when you enter the room, being generous, being friendly and just embracing and being a warm young girl, that makes you prettier than a really good makeup tutorial. 100%. Also, another thing, being confident around boys. Oh my gosh. Men freak out when you boys freak out when you walk in the room and you are confident enough to look them in the eye and go, how's your day going? Where are you working now? Yes. That'll snatch up one oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_02 21:44

Well, I'll say this. Oh my gosh. When you I was talking to a young girl that is going through a season that I went through when I was younger, which the season is is what everyone goes through, which is puberty. But some people have a tougher puberty season than others. Yeah. I really struggled when I was younger. I was very overweight. I I had acne. I had all the things. But it was a really funny today. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

You first had a you were you understood a good personality way before me.

SPEAKER_02 22:14

Because well, honestly, that's all I had. That's all I brought to the table. And it was a struggle for me. And I remember having conversations with mom and having conversations, even with my dad, about like, I don't look the way that I want to look. But I was 13, I was 14. And I remember mom would always tell me, This isn't gonna last. This isn't forever. You're not gonna have this baby weight forever. Your hair is not gonna be like this. The your clothes that you're wearing, they will change. Your acne will, I mean, still comes and goes, but whatever. Like, but you'll learn how to manage these things. And what I so appreciated is mom didn't, she didn't she didn't like keep me or encourage me to set up camp in that season.

SPEAKER_00 22:55

Yeah, she didn't even fan that flame at all.

SPEAKER_02 22:57

She didn't fan that flame of, well, maybe you need to go work out. No, maybe there was none of that. She was like, You're a kid, you're a little girl, you're a teenager. Yeah, you're not even meant to impress people right now. Yeah. You're meant to just have a good time. You're meant to go to your school, you're meant to make friends. You're your purpose right now is to develop.

SPEAKER_03 23:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:14

So you're not gonna look like this forever, which taught me valuable lessons of I need to develop my character. Yeah, I need to develop my confidence. Because even now in my 20s, I look different every day. Yeah, I feel like every day my looks change. I'm bloated one day, I'm skinny the next day. I have acne one day, I have acne, my hair is dirty one day. I'm always changing, but my character doesn't change.

SPEAKER_00 23:38

Yeah.

Developing communication in young years

SPEAKER_02 23:39

Because in those years of my, of my teenage years, mom taught me you need to develop who you are. You need to develop a confidence that goes before your looks. Yeah. That when you're on the phone talking to somebody, your confidence is going through the phone. When you're meeting someone, that you can go up to them, no matter who they are, you can shake their hand and say, Hey, I'm Gabby. And I'm never thinking, oh man, what do they think I look like? Yeah. My thing is, what are they, what are they getting from me? How are they, what do they think I'm like? Yeah. It's not just my looks. How am I respecting them? How am I approaching them? And and even this, how are you speaking?

SPEAKER_00 24:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:17

Because so many people are, you could be gorgeous, but you don't know how to talk to someone.

SPEAKER_00 24:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:22

You're not well spoken. You don't know how to have a conversation. And so your young years, for all the young girls that are watching, your young years are development years. You are not meant to peak right now. If you peak right now, that's not a good sign. Yeah, yeah. You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. You want to be cultivating a strong character, you want to be cultivating confidence, you want to be cultivating kindness and relation and a good relationship with other people. Yeah. Because I know. Even your point about the boys, like, I think until you're 21, don't waste your time with trying to get a guy's attention. I know. Truthfully. Yeah. Because girls, when you turn 21, something switches in your mind. Yes. Where you go from, oh my gosh, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I want this, I want that. I'll just follow him, whatever he thinks. And you turn 21 or you graduate college and you get settled in who you are. And when you can find a vision for yourself, when God gives you as a young girl a vision for your future, then brings a guy in, yeah. That is a successful, healthy relationship. That is so, and and I'm not saying that people in the past, or if you met your spouse, you know, when you were 18, then that's not a healthy relationship. I don't want to communicate that either. But I do think this is a different generation. Our mom was 19 when she got married.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

It's different now.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

I think we're the equivalent of 19. Like 21 is the equivalent to what 19 used to be. Even like 24. Even 24. It's just a different generation.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:51

So we are a little bit younger and more immature than past generations. And I would always tell girls, I talked to a girl that was, she's 19. She told me the other day, she goes, I don't know why I've dated. I don't know why I've had a boyfriend. I don't know why I've done this. She's like, I'm I'm out of a relationship and I'm so grateful because I have so much that I want to discover and so much that I want to do. And I don't want a guy there.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

I know. No, and I'll correct what I said earlier. I think it's good for you to learn how to just be comfortable around other boys your age. Yes. Where you know how to have a conversation without making it romantic or definitely platonic. If you could just operate confidently in a platonic way with the boys around you, that will really develop a strong boundary. Definitely. That in your 20s, men will really, really admire and respect in you. And you won't be so intimidated when a boy wants to come and ask you out on a date when it the time is right for you. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 26:48

Well, I remember growing up, it's funny because growing up, my teenage years were not my best years, like I said. And I had my puberty and no guys liked me. I liked, I liked every guy. I just thought they were all cute. But they never pursued me. It was not a thing. And I didn't know it at the time, but me and now my husband were growing up together. Crazy. And he didn't have a lot of exes. Like he he was pretty, he was pretty committed to the girls that he liked. He didn't have like a whole list. But there was a girl that was one of my close friends that, like, when they were 15, like they talked. They just thought, whatever. And we never, he never considered me. I never considered him. There was none of that. Never, not once. And it was like the Lord was really shielding me and crazy, developing my character on my own. And man, Steph, now when we started to like each other, it was like the Lord took like a veil off of both of our eyes.

SPEAKER_00 27:42

And how old are you?

SPEAKER_02 27:43

We were 20, I was 24. Crazy. Or 23, 24. And it was like, oh my gosh. And the first thing he and I both noticed about one another was our chemistry and the the attraction of visions. Yes. But not the physical attraction. Not the physical. But he loved my personality. He loved that I could walk in and I could talk to anyone. I loved that he could walk in and talk to anyone. Yes. I loved that he was strong and he could just, he could talk to a wall. Like I loved that about him. But when we were younger, that wasn't the season for that.

SPEAKER_00 28:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:17

And he never even looked my way. I never even looked his way because it wasn't the season. It wasn't the time.

SPEAKER_00 28:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:24

And other people would look at that and say, well, if you guys were gonna get married in the future, you might as well start dating when you're young. But that wasn't right for us. That wasn't, we needed in our young years to develop integrity and character and a confidence within ourselves.

SPEAKER_00 28:38

And a freedom or confidence and comfort around other people. Exactly. And it's funny because you handled your teenagehood because you're the youngest, and you get to look at your older siblings. No, but also you looked at your your older siblings and you said, I'm not gonna do it the way they did. You learned from our mistakes pretty well. Because my teenagehood um into my 20s, I did actually very differently from you because I peaked, I I've matured physically. You're beautiful at 16, I think. At like 16 and 17. I really I got image obsessed pretty quickly. And again, social media. Uh I I got wrapped up into it. I really liked it.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

And you were good at it. Back when Instagram like started, I remember being so different. She'd go to like a sunrise and you'd post about it, and we'd be like, Stephanie's like a photographer.

Obsessed with social media aesthetics

SPEAKER_00 29:28

I know, but then I didn't know how to carry a conversation with other girls. And now I had my I had my close knit friends. I was good at friendships, but I was, and I didn't really notice it until later on, that I did create a world revolves around me, kind of, or I can alter my world, I can influence my world by like doing things digitally, I guess. And it wasn't until my mid-20s, maybe when I met my husband, who was not, he's 35, he's seven years older than me. So he didn't have that mindset at all. That's when it started to hit me like, oh, our brains are developed so differently. Yeah. And I did notice that I was very into image, image, image in my 20s and in my 19 era. Yeah. And um, because that really was like if you had a really cool aesthetic, if your prop profile looked cohesive and had like a color palette, and if you had like a good number of followers, that was also when you could buy followers. And it was like this whole thing, it really it's crazy how obsessed I was with it, and I did not catch it. And it even so that that really did alter my priorities. Yeah. Where we talked about it when we were at uh Lolo's Bachelorette, and we had this funny thing where um one of our our friends, one of my close, close friends that I text every day, every other day. We're in a group chat all the time. Yeah, she was going on a 10-day trip to Istanbul, Turkey. Yeah. She brought it up five or six times in our group chat, and I never saw it. She was le the day before she was leaving. I'm like, Kirsten, you're going to Istanbul, Turkey. She goes, You're kidding, right? And all of us were like, Steph, dot, dot, dot. Oh my God. I was so embarrassed. I was humiliated. And I'm like, no, no, no. No, no, no, this isn't right. And I felt a conviction because I know everything going on in my favorite influencers' lives. Yeah. I know that they just had a baby. I know that they just changed the decor in their kitchen. Yeah. I just, I know that they are doing a new fashion line and a new makeup line. I am so up to date with all of my favorite Instagram influencers that I didn't even catch one of my best friends going on a 10-day trip to Turkey. And I really felt so bad about it that when we were together, I apologized. Yeah. Because that's not relationship. That's not relationship. I don't know these influencers. I've never met them in person. I don't know their real life. They could be putting that all up for show. And one of my closest friends who I know the ins and outs of her life. Yeah. I didn't catch that she was going to go on this really fun trip with her family after she's mentioned it like five or six times. Yes. In our group chat that I'm on every single day. And that's when it really showed me, okay, my priorities are off.

SPEAKER_02 32:46

Yeah.

Understanding personal boundaries with influencers

SPEAKER_00 32:46

And I really need to alter this. The people online are not my real friends. And what do they call them? Uh parasocial relationships where you believe you know these people. And I am, I am a very down-to-earth person. I don't get swept up at Instagram, but I caught myself getting swept up where I was so into my influencers more than my real friends. Yeah. Where those people, am I going to be following those influencers until I'm in my 50s? Yeah. Am I going to be following their life when they have grandchildren? Like, that's kind of weird. And I'm never going to meet them in person. I'll never really know who they are. They'll never know me. No. But I have my close friends who I can call on and they're at my house within 15 minutes. Totally. So that's where relationally, image-wise, it's so important to have our priorities straight and our values straight because these relationships that are that we have in person produce actual fruit. And the relationships that we have online rarely ever do. Yeah. The fruit that we get is maybe a discount code on an Amazon link. Like maybe they help us stay organized. Maybe they help us with our makeup, and that's fine. Yeah. But there has to be boundaries put around it. 100%. And we have to know our own personal boundaries where I know this influencer, I like this influencer, but in my mind, they are just a celebrity. They're not somebody that I know. They equate no value to the friends that are actually in my life. And how I treat my friends as a young girl in my teens and in my early 20s, that will produce real fruit that will last into my 30s and 40s and 50s. Not fruit that I find on TikTok and Instagram. And yes, you may grow an influencer platform. You may grow followers that could turn into a career. I think that that is very real too. But when it comes to your personal life, your personal life day in and day out, your values have to be prioritized. Yeah. And the people that are are in your life are way more important than are on a digital screen.

Social media vs. real life personas

SPEAKER_02 35:06

And I love what you're what you're saying because it's such a good conversation to have. One of the signs is if you, if, if you, when we're sitting across, like if someone was sitting across from you right now, like how you are, if what I'm getting here is the complete opposite of what I see on your social media, then there's an imbalance there. Yes. There's just an incongruency. Yes. Where you are portraying something. We, all of us, we're all susceptible. We're portraying something on social media that is not, it doesn't line up with who we are face to face in reality. And I think I notice a lot of people put more emphasis in developing themselves on social media and developing the image. Good. Whereas they put all the time on that. Yes. And they don't put the time on who they are when nobody, there's no cameras around, there's no phones in the room. It's just them. I know. There's an influencer that we talk about all the time. I don't follow her, but like I'll go into her and I'll check up on her. Check up just to go like look at her story or something. And she documents every moment of every day of her life. That's how she's built her influence. That's how she's built her career. Wonderful. You've got thousands of followers. Great. You're probably getting paid so much money. Great. What happens if Instagram shuts off? I cannot. What happens if Instagram shuts down? What if what happens if it gets banned? What happens if you lose all your followers? If you here's what's so sad today. You share your opinion about something, you can lose half of your followers because it's such a it's such a fickle, volatile, but also I don't know if fickle's the word, but people aren't committed to you. People aren't committed like you think you they are. They're just admiring you. They're not physically they like your brand and they're just admiring you as long as you keep giving them what they want. Yeah. So you spend every second of your day. I I thought about it the other day. I'm like, when do her and her boyfriend fight? I I can't even are is their whole relationship fake. I know. Because it's every moment they're on their dates and they're videotaping, they're trying food together, they're getting ready in their video. Everything is that. And I thought about it, I'm like, I wonder who she is without the camera. I wonder if she's the same person when all the cameras are off. Because she spends so much time developing this image of who she is on social media that I wonder who is she face to face. I know. And has she developed that person? And is this her way of creating an image of who she really wants to be? But she'll never be that because she never spends time on herself.

SPEAKER_00 37:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:39

And that's where I see young girls. I'll see them at youth group and they're quiet, shy, in the corner. They they wear hoodies, they they put their hair in a ponytail. Then they'll post on Instagram in like a bikini and their hair's down. And I'm like, who what happened? What happened? Who was this?

SPEAKER_00 37:54

This isn't the girl that talked to me on Wednesday. No, and also she's working in a in a I won't interrupt you, but she's working in a in a field that if you don't have sales, if you don't have engagement, the best way to get that up again is to post a picture of of your body, bikini. And it will be so revealing that her boyfriend took of her. Yes. And it's weird and it doesn't sit right with me. And then suddenly she's got a brand deal. Yeah. Because she plastered her body, her entire body.

SPEAKER_02 38:24

And they know how to Steph, it's never changed. I know. So now to young girls on social media or in their 15s, whatever, however old they are, now they think. Now they think that's where I get my value. And when I dress this way, when I look this way, when I post this way, this is what gives me value. And that's where that's what this conversation was about. Because your social media value will not last as long as your real value. Yep. Who you are when you walk into your school, who you are when you go to college and you are face to face with people, that's what matters more. People aren't just gonna look at your social media all the time and go, wow, she looks like a great girl because they know it's fake. Yeah. The whole thing of insta versus reality is a real thing. Yeah. And you have to make sure, I'm not saying you should never post a selfie or you should never post a picture of yourself. Do that. That's beautiful. Yeah. But make sure what you're posting is something that is true to who you are.

SPEAKER_00 39:19

Yeah.

Authenticity on social media

SPEAKER_02 39:19

I I, whenever I'm on social media, if even when I try to take a selfie, I'm like, this isn't even my personality type. There are girls that can do it and they get away with it. We're terrible at it. I'm just not a selfie girl. I'm over it. I'm over it. I'm not that way. I'll take pictures with my husband or take, but I'm not going to be the girl that's like, here's my outfit of the day. I half the time I don't like my outfit. So I'm like, that's just not who I am. But we have a friend of ours that's she is you, she's influencing and it's a great gig for her. But everything that she posts is who she is. Yeah. When you meet her in person, it's like the same paste. It's a copy paste. And how she um now is a mother and how she dresses. She doesn't put something else on for social media. So I think that's where we just have to be very mindful of don't develop someone else and something else on Instagram that's not who you are. Meanwhile, you're not developing yourself in reality. Yep. And when you're young and you're a young girl and you think your value comes from that, be very careful because of course the enemy wants you to fall for that. Yes. Something that's not going to last long, something that can change tomorrow. It could be deleted for tomorrow, for all we know. Yep. And it's a bunch of people that can unfollow you in seconds.

SPEAKER_00 40:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

So that's where it's, yes, we're talking about pressures, we're talking about purity, but it's really being mindful of finding your value in the right thing. Yes. Find your value in the Lord, find your value in building your confidence, in building a good uh personality, and being respectful to people, being respectful to your mom, to your sisters, to your family, whoever it is, going to youth group if you go to youth group or going to your school and being confident, getting good grades, study. Yeah. Like learn and try to build up your knowledge. Yeah. That's a good quality to have in the future because beauty will be there. One day you're gonna look the way that you want. Maybe you never will, but one day you will. You'll get older, it'll come. Yeah, yeah. But don't spend your young years obsessed with finding an image and chasing an image that's not who you are. And if you're in your teenage years, it's not the season for you.

SPEAKER_00 41:25

No. It's your season.

Qualities of an influential mom

SPEAKER_02 41:26

Enjoy it, it's your season of development.

SPEAKER_00 41:28

Don't be mindful of image. And I will also say, now that I've gone through like the beginning seasons of life, I still have so much to learn, but I've seen a few seasons now as a mom. I I've I'm in a lot of different women's spaces, spaces fill of filled with women. And the girl who has the most influence, the girl that all the other moms want to run to and talk to about advice, gain wisdom from. It's always the girl that's pure. It's always the girl who treats her husband with kindness and respect and love. It's always the girl that just doesn't worry, that truly trusts in God. It's always the girl who doesn't get distracted by the glitter of worldly things. It's always the girl who's just truly confident in who she is and doesn't try to be like anybody, who is unoffendable, who doesn't take things personally. That has been a pattern I've noticed. That the girl that that the Lord blesses, and the girl that people just kind of gravitate towards, it's the girl that's pure. I love that. And they they are pure in mind, they're pure in body, they're pure in speech, they are pure in how they treat people. They're just, and I don't mean it's the kindest, meekest person. They're just pure. There's nothing in them that is faltered, there's nothing in them that is is um filtered. It's just they they really have embraced being like Jesus. Yep, like truly. They just want to be like God, they want to be like Jesus. And I if I could go back and change one thing, I would try to be like Jesus more and more. Uh, more than I would try to be like an influencer or like a pretty girl. Yeah. I I would try to abandon trying to perfect my image, and I would do everything to be like Jesus. Yep. And let the pieces fall where they may when I pursue that.

SPEAKER_02 43:37

Well, I think that's incredible. We did a great job today. We did. I hope you guys enjoyed this. Share this with a young girl that you know, share this with a girl in her 20s, 30s, whoever you think would be impacted by this. Share this with them because we know this challenged me. Like even this conversation brings me back to what I need to pursue in this season. You're pretty good. You are pretty good. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are beautiful. It doesn't matter. Okay. We love you guys. Thank you so much. If you like this episode, please comment, give us some feedback, let us know what you want more of. We are always growing here at the Family Business Podcast. And so we want you to come along with us in this growth. Share it, like, comment, subscribe, all the things. We love you guys. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 44:21

Thanks so much for joining the Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time because family is everybody's business.