What First Time Moms Wish Someone Told Them About Pregnancy and Birth

Why we are where we are because two months into our marriage, you didn't have enough forethought to think you could get me pregnant. And now I'm pregnant. And you're so selfish because now I'm having to go through all this because of you. And they'll look at you and go, do you really mean that? And you're like, yes. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the family business podcast with the Alessies. Today you are joined by a Alessi Kladiyud and Alessi Muno. You're welcome. We are, we're coming into the booth today and we're excited because we're going to talk about something that needs to be talked about and we were actually doing some research on it. It's not really discussed all the. All that much. Yeah. Which is first time moms. Motherhood. First time motherhood. Yes. And getting into it for the first time. Steph, do you want to say anything to greet everybody? No. Thank you guys for having us on. I'm very excited to be diving into this because you and I are in the thick of it right now. Y. I'm a few years ahead, but still we're in the same ball game. I have. I'm about to have my third in August and you are about to have your first. So it's kind of cool that we're in this together. So. So what a lot what I wanted to do was because we're talking to first time moms and girls that are expecting like me as a first time upcoming mom, I thought it'd be cool to ask you who are becoming a third time mother. Yeah. Some questions because I'm. I am realizing how many phases and how many things go into motherhood. It's crazy. It's not just getting pregnant. It's not just being pregnant. It's not just one trimester. Three of them. Three of them. And there's not just one symptom, there's a million. Oh, it's crazy. And so there's a lot that you can or you have to manage and you do feel like you're. You're tackling every single day. Yeah. As far as your mental health, you know, ability, but also your hormones and what your, your hormones are telling you and then what your body's feeling and your body's telling you that. I think it's just a good topic to discuss as girls. So we encourage you before we get into this, if you know somebody that is a first time mom, they're becoming a mom, they're pregnant. With their first baby. Please share this episode with them because it's going to be a blessing. And the one thing I love about Stephanie being the one to ask the or answer these questions is that you are not an over the top mom. You are not super focused on. They have to have this and their schedule and their hair has to be perfect and this and this. I know you have built very adaptable kids and strong kids. Not that they're perfect. You know, they have the attitudes and Matthew's in his biting phase, but you can acknowledge those things about your kids. Yeah. And you can see that in them. And you're willing to ask for help. And there's just so much about your motherhood that I've always told you. Like, every time I see her do it, I'm like, okay, if she can do it, I can do it. I got this. If I can do it, anybody can do this. So I'm glad we're talking to you today because I said it before that I'll. Now that I'm like, pregnant, I'm planning for what's the newborn season going to look like? And I'll see, like the night routines that the girls post. These random people and they're on Instagram and they're like, join me for my feeding overnight. Like what the nighttime looks like with the newborn. And it looks like the trenches. It looks like war. I know. And I just see how many times you wake up through the night and mind you, the husband's sleeping right next to her. I know. I'm like, this is so much that, like, I honestly, it's good to talk about because. Is that the reality? Is that the real for sure. Is that what everyone has to do? Is that the expectation or is that just what works for that mom? And if. Are you doing it wrong? If your nights are like that, Are you doing it right? Yeah, it's really hard because there's just maybe that mom can stay home with her baby and she's never going back to work. Whereas I know I'll be home for a few months, but I'm gonna have to build a routine that gets back to work. You built a routine that got back to work? We also work at church and so we wanted to be back at work earlier than the three month policy. Right. Of matern. We liked working, we liked with our kids and we have the blessing of being able to bring our babies. But, like, your schedule had to change. You had to figure out how to. Excuse me, Let me say that again so I don't Want to burp on on air. You had to figure out how to get your sleep. How your husband had like you both had to sleep because you both had to work the next day. Yeah. So let's, let's go into it. Let's do it. What, what, what are you going to say? No, I, I was just going to tell you that thank you for all that you just told me. I did not know that I would enjoy this so much. And the key that you just said was I was willing to ask for help. And I think every good mom is a surrounded mom. The best moms that I've seen are the ones that are surrounded by other moms in the trenches doing it with them and they have moms ahead of them. They have moms in their same age bracket and also moms from different philosophies too. They're open. So I think that that is number one, the key. Let's just put it out there. I am not perfect at this. I'm still learning. I'm not done having kids so I have so much more to learn. My oldest is only 4, so I have no idea what it's like to have a seven and an eight year old and this the school topic and all that. But I'm very willing to ask for help at every crossroad which I think has made. Let me just start it off with that. That is how you make motherhood doable is just being willing to ask for help. So yeah, that's really good. All right, question number one, what surprised you the most about your first pregnancy? And I think this is so specific to your first but like go back to when you were a first time mom and you got pregnant for that first time. What surprised you the most about this new world? I would say number one, what really, really surprised me was nothing really tops them all. How my body changed was a big one. Yeah, I was not expecting to look like that. I really thought I would be like the pretty girl, the pretty pregnant girl. We called you, we called you the Grinch. Yeah. And then I went to Zara and put during the Christmas time trying to find a Christmas outfit and put on a full green two piece set. What am I thinking? We were like. Because her, how her body looked in that pregnancy. Oh my gosh, it's the Grinch. That when the Grinch was standing in the mirror his like he had the low belly and then she came out one random day in a green outfit. We were like don't wear and I'm balling in the Zara dressing room because the lighting is so bad. And also, like, the fat transfer was more linebacker thing. Like, my. It all goes to the back and to the shoulders. And Lauren just the other day was like, wow, Steph, I'm just so surprised you don't gain any weight in your legs. And I'm like. Because it all goes up top. And I don't know what to do about that. Thank you. Yeah. That we give from our grandmother. All right. I look like what I. That's what I told her. I look like grandma. But no, like that. Honestly, as shallow as that may sound, that was a huge. That's a big deal. And then the amount of opinions that came flooding in. Yeah. That was like, oh, my God. And then I was a little defensive and prideful because I. I wanted to do it my own way. We talked about this a while ago that, like, before you're pregnant, you're like, I'm gonna be open. I'm gonna be great. I'm gonna let people take my kids and all this. And then you actually, you're pregnant, and then you have this insanely strong attachment to this baby in your belly, whether you're, like, 100 on board with the pregnancy or not. Yeah. Because I got pregnant accidentally. That was not planned. But I knew this is my baby. Like, I'm attached. I'm in charge of this. Like, mama bear started to come out, and then people would come and share their opinions of what I need to do, what I cannot do, what I need to throw away in my house, what I need to buy in my house. And it was like, no, no, no. I'm gonna do it my own way. Yeah. Now, looking back, I wish I wasn't so prideful. I wish I would have just been a little more open to it. It's not that big of a deal, but that was really hard to manage because it just brings up this pride in you that I'm going to do it my own way, and I'm going to. And deep down, you do think I'm going to prove to them that I could do it better than them. And then you have the baby, and you find yourself in those same predicaments, doing. Having those long nights where you judge that girl being up every 30 minutes. Now suddenly you're the girl up every 30 minutes when you've been sleep training, and I wouldn't. Then I found myself thinking, oh, I'm gonna actually need to take the advice of those people that I should have gotten the teether. They told me I should have Gotten that, whatever it was, and it helped in the long run. Also, you know, people wanting to help you in that pregnancy season and wanting to give you advice. A lot of those women, women are. We're graced for this and they will show up when you need them. So don't, don't. I wish I wouldn't have thrown off so many opinions because for mothers, especially women in like their 50s and 60s, that's just their love language. It's true. That's willing to actually show up and hold your baby. And if I had stayed warm, if I had stayed welcoming, maybe on a bad day, they would have been willing to help me. But then because I put my guard up, they were immediately assuming, Stephanie doesn't need help, she doesn't want help, she's a little picky. And they won't get involved if you're not going to receive it. Yeah. And I think the hardest part too, like, to. What you're saying is like, because of your hormones, you're really not in a place to receive the guidance and the opinions. I know. And you do have to sit back and because you're getting it from all sides, you're getting it from your mom. You're always going to have grace for your mom because it's your mom. Yeah. And the one thing I've noticed is like, the minute I got pregnant, the attachment between me and mom, like my attachment to her has grown so strong significantly. Yeah. Where I don't want anybody else around in any moment about pregnancy but my mom. Yeah. I just. If she's there, everything's fine. Yeah. And yes, that's a sweet thing, but that can also really hurt the other relationships in your life. Yeah. Because the baby is fully yours, but it's also fully your husband's. I know. So you have the voice of your mom, then you have the voice of your mother in law. Then you have the voice of your sisters or whatever family, siblings that you have. And then if you're a part of a big community or any type of community, then you have all of your friends. And so then that's just the physical voices that you have. Dude. Because then you go on social media and there's millions and trillions of people that are trying to give you all this advice of don't go to the doctor's office, get a doula, only go to the doctor's office, cancel doulas. There's so many different things and I. The whole point of that is because of your hormones right now, you'll never receive it. The right way. And you almost like, what I'm having to practice is like, I don't want to make permanent decisions or a permanent impact on my relationships based off of a temporary hormone change. And can I tell you, I didn't learn this until my second pregnancy, that when you have the baby all, okay, you're pregnant, you're super hormonal, your guard is down mentally and emotionally. So a lot of bad thoughts start trickling and you have lots of, like, depressive thoughts, lots of comparison thoughts, anything. It's just easier to, like, let in terrible thoughts, even divisive, argumentative thoughts with the people around you, with your spouse, with your family. All this stuff, I thought after the pregnancy, because this is all my hormones. After the pregnancy, this is all gonna be gone and I'm gonna be normal again. And I learned that actually what happened was I let my guard down too much and I blamed it on my hormones. And it was a doorway to allow thoughts into my mind that built up belief systems that lasted after the pregnancy, too. And it is a. I do believe it's a great test for all women. Can you even. Can you continue to practice the fruit of the spirit called self control? Yeah. Even when you're raging with hormones, even when you don't, you're turning into, like this mental monster, but keeping the door closed on all false, like, negative thoughts. Yeah. Because it won't just leave you. Magically, you will. You will be having this baby. It will be a year pass, and you're like, I don't even recognize myself. Well, maybe because you allowed thoughts in about your identity, about your life, life during your pregnancy, that has built up your new belief system. It's very true. And I. I didn't realize that until the second time, where it was like, Stephanie, you need to get self control on your thoughts, on your anger, on your. Your emotions. And you cannot blame your hormones. It just. You can't do that, even though it is so hard. And I know some women need medical help. Yeah, like, I get it. Do whatever you can to control your emotions, because the damage it does doesn't just disappear once the baby comes. It'll stick around. And it doesn't just affect you, because it's not just a thought we're having. Yeah, that's true. It's funny that you're saying this because you're revealing so much to me. Cause last night, did you need this? I needed this. This podcast is for me. It's not for our audience. It's for me. No, last night, I'm going to bed. And, like, Christian's, like, getting ready for bed. So I went to bed first, and he has, like, this really bad habit of, like, he. We share hair product, this hair product. And he'll take my brush because he likes my brush better. So every Sunday morning, he likes to, like, redo his hair in between church services. So he'll take my cream and my brush to the church. Says, day cream. It's the day cream. He loves the day styling. Matthew loves it. Shout out to day styling cream. Please sponsor us. No, Please give my husband another bottle. Because it's becoming an argument. But. So he'll take it. But his habit is he just forgets things. So, like, he'll take something, and it's been happening so often that he'll leave it at the church, and then I'll get home the next morning, and I need. And that's my favorite brush. It's the one that dad got us for Christmas. The gold one or the gold one with the. Oh, yeah. I. Where is that? I don't know where I put mine. I'm over here causing problems, and you can't even find it. You lost it. But I love that brush. So last night, before he even came to the room, I noticed that the brush wasn't there. And I'm like, I know exactly what he did. Well, I knew he left it in the car, but I'm like, I know he didn't leave it at church because I said, at the church, hey, get the date styling. He's like, I remember. And he was like, you don't have to tell me. So then I'm going to bed, and I'm like, because I have our baskets to try to keep some peace. And in my basket, I'm like, the hair styling cream. And the brush isn't there. So I get in bed, whatever, and it, like, I just kind of disregarded it. I hear him. He's in the bathroom. And again, like us women when we're. When. When our husbands are sleeping and we get up, we're like, quietly closing. So considerate. So considerate. Let them sleep. They work so hard. I'm gonna let you sleep. Exactly. The next. When it's me, he's like, why are you going to bed so early? What's wrong with you? And then he's like, donk, donk. Playing music. He's like, worshiping, singing. He's like, draw me close. I'm trying to go to bed. This is so real. So as I'm sitting there, I'm angry that he's making noise. I can't go to sleep. I'm trying to wake up early. Next. All the things. I go, and the man forgot my brush. And I start building this case against him. He left it in the car. He has no idea. I couldn't brush my hair tonight because of whatever. I have to use this old black brush that I don't like. I start doing this whole thing. I get up, I go to the bathroom. Meanwhile, like, I walk in. He's thinking, I just. Like, I fell asleep. So I get up, and he's like, hey. He's like, are you awake? And I'm like, no, I'm going to sleep. And then I go in there and I go, where's my brush? Like, you said it. You set it up. You knew. I was like, where's my brush? Did you bring it home for the church? He was like, yeah, I brought it home. And he knew it. He was. And then his face turned to me like, what's wrong with you? He's like, you were going to sleep. And in my, like, going to sleep. To your point, like, I'm going to really get him this time. Let me get out of bed. Where's my brush that's going to bring it home. It's so stupid. And I started to build on this case of, like, of course he forgot it. Is he going to forget about me? What about when we have a baby? Is he going to forget the baby? This. And it's all this stupid stuff. But to your point, it starts with, like, a brush. Yes. But you can start believing things about your husband. Yes. And you can create a divide. Yes. And that impacts him. It doesn't just impact you. Like, I know you think it's just you and your belief system. I know. But you're gonna create a real, like, divisiveness in the house. And you could. Or division in the house. And then you can start to create, like, you're just always at each other's throats. It's be. And then when somebody asks you, why do you believe this way about your husband? You're like, because they left the brush at the church. And you're fully confident. That's why I remember me and Weena would get into these big fights where I would get so mad at him if he did something that was just, like, a little bit selfish, Something small, I'd be like, and this is why we are where we are. Because two months into our marriage, you didn't have enough forethought to think you could get me Pregnant. And now I'm pregnant. And you're so selfish, because now I'm having to go through all this because of you. And they'll look at you and go, do you really mean that? And you're like, yes. And one day you'll see. One day you'll see somebody. I will say, maybe don't add this in here, but now you're. You're blow up at the Christmas time. Makes total sense. Which. Which blow up. The one recently. The Stranger Things. Blow up. The Stranger Things couch. Blow up at the. At Stuart. At Stuart. Suddenly all makes sense. No, leave that in this podcast. Leave that in here forever. Lauren's gonna kill me that I said that. Okay, let's move on. Ye back. So we'll give you backstory on that in another podcast, I guess. How did you manage fear? This is funny that we're jumping from funny stuff to do stuff. How did you manage fear and anxiety during your pregnancy? Fighting my husband. How did I manage fear and anxiety? So let's set this up a little bit, because when you do get pregnant again, this is a whole new thing. Yeah. You're seeing the ba. You. You. Something I've learned in this. You see the test on your phone on the thing, and it says pregnant, and then you're telling people, but you've never felt nor seen nor heard the baby at this point. Because you can't really see the baby until you're eight weeks. Eight weeks. So we found out at five weeks, and then we had to wait that whole time to at least confirm. That's right. Yeah. That's your pregnancy. Yeah. Or that you're pregnant after that appointment, you don't hear the heartbeat. At least I didn't until. Because they don't do that. The Doppler won't detect it. And then they don't do the ultrasound until. I didn't find out till 10 weeks that, okay, we had a good heartbeat. Geez. But then you go home, and now I haven't heard his heartbeat since. Oh, it's the worst. Almost a month. Tomorrow is actually my next appointment, and I haven't heard his heartbeat. And you can't feel anything. Yep. You really. Other than your hormones and the symptoms, you don't feel pregnant. It's so. It's awful. And right now, the. The symptoms. Because of when you're early pregnant, your belly's not really growing that quickly. You're just feeling bloated and all these things. So you're like, am I just not. Am I just eating a lot? Like you don't really know what you're feeling. And then that can bring in a whole lot of fear of, like, is the baby still okay? I know. Am I still pregnant? Should I have. Should I have told everybody? Like, you just go back and forth and then they'll do the test. So, like, we both did the. The blood test, the DNA test, and then when that test comes back, you're almost terrified to open it because you're like, what am I going to find out? Is there a chromosomal issue? Is there something wrong with him? Is there something wrong with, like, you have just this new world of fear and anxiety. So how did you manage that? Because you're on your third. Oh, my God. I don't feel like I knew how. Yeah, those are some serious dark moments. I think that honestly, you just. You need to trust in God the entire way. And you know when I would always say. Because when I was pregnant with Gianna, I think it was either early on in my pregnancy or later on in my pregnancy, it was early on because I was still in the apartment, I got the flu. And everybody was like, if you're throwing up while pregnant, that's fine. If you get fevers, that's not okay. Because fevers. Can they start to, like, overheat, basically, right? Yeah, I think so. Or I'm not quite sure. But they say it is very dangerous to have fevers when you're pregnant. And then I was so early on and I got the flu. I was throwing up, I had fever spikes, the whole thing. And I remember being in my bathroom alone, crying, like, lord, please protect my baby. Like, please protect my. I don't. And I. Same thing. Did not feel the baby. It was 12 weeks in. I saw no growth, so I just knew it was there, but I wasn't. I didn't have any, like, real connection until there was a danger to the baby. And I was like, God, please. And I just remember Chris coming in and he was like, steph, my husband. He's like, steph, God's hands are around your baby right now. Angels are protecting your baby. The baby belongs to the Lord. First, the baby is God's. It is ours. Second, but the baby is the Lord's. And I just remember, like, getting this visual of, like, angels surrounding my baby in my belly and protecting her from anything wrong with my body. And that really did set in stone how we confronted fear every step of the way. Because then years later, I had the miscarriage and I was like, you know what? I feel like something is wrong. With my body. And I'm. And there's the fake fear where you're like, I fear it, but deep down I know I'm okay. And then there's the real fear of like, I don't think something's okay. Yeah. I think something is bad. And even then, you have to accept this baby belongs to the Lord. Yeah. It's his first. He does with their life what he wants. And I just have to. And it is the hardest prayer you'll ever have to pray. And I think we continue to pray that even as they go into there. I think that's the parents greatest struggle. These kids belong to the Lord first. And it starts at pregnancy. It does. That's why I know it was silly, but when I wished all the guys a Father's Day and I didn't say it to Kristen, he goes, I'm a father. And I'm like, you know, he is. Because he's probably dealing with the normal fears of a father, which is getting to the delivery point. And the fears that you feel during the pregnancy point are very similar to the fears you will face when the baby actually gets here. But you gotta confront it with like, this baby is God's. I am here to just steward this child and to take care of it the best that I can. But they are in God's hands and God protects them. Angels are around them. And it's good because that's how you become that woman of faith that we all admire. That how your mom would get in your room late at night and anoint you with oil. It's true. And pray over you and pray over you, pray over your house. You. You don't just become that overnight. You build into that. Yeah. And you got to be confronted with some real dangers for you to get there. You have to earn that level of faith. And your children are the best way to get those tests where you're feeling. Even now with, with the kids, I'll have moments where I'm like, man, I pray to God they don't see something on the tv. I pray to God they don't open up my computer, my phone, and see something. And then it twists an idea in their mind. Like, that's my new fear. It's very true. Because my poor Matthew likes to put on Jesus Cinderella heels. And I'm like, lord, I rebuke that fear right now. That will not control how I do things. These children are yours. And you'll only confront more fear along the way. So start off now by attacking it with scripture and with the spirit. I love that because I think we are only going to need to depend on the Lord more and more as we bring in kids. And as you grow in your life, you just realize how much you need God. And every day you're praying that prayer of God, not my will, but thy will. Like, this is not my child. This is your child that you've entrusted to me to raise here. And even though it is so difficult, what's beautiful is, like, God can relate to that parent thing because he had Jesus. Jeez. Like, we can relate. Like, the Lord understands our fear. He understands the worst case scenario, your biggest nightmare. God understands. That's so true. Because God's already been there. Yeah. And even now that I've been pregnant and then even, like, what you were saying with Christian, we both have noticed on our own, a big test of our faith, but, like a reliance on the Lord. Like a new reliance on the Lord. Yeah. And I'd also say, like, something that Christian was telling me the other day, that the minute he found out I was pregnant, and then he heard the heartbeat, he felt like the Lord was like, all right, you need to be in scripture every day. Yeah. Like, you need to have your. Your head, your mind, your heart in the word. Oh, my gosh. Hearing from me. Because he was like. Because I. I felt that, too. But your body's doing so much that as a. As the girl, as the mom and your. It's a different. Different journey. It's a different journey. And you're so. In your physical and in your flesh because so much is happening and that you kind of neglect or don't build up your spirit during the season. You need to, but you're just really stuck in that. Yeah. And he told me, he was like, I felt this. This weight and responsibility to carry us spiritually because I knew you were going to carry us physically. Yeah. I need to carry us spiritually. Oh, yeah. Because he is relying on me physically to bring our child in. Yeah. Yeah. And there is a huge weight of responsibility on me. Yeah. Every day, what I eat, how active I am, how I sleep, you know, the different positions of things that I wear. I feel this weight of I've got to carry and take care of this baby the right way, and my husband cannot help me with that. But I would say to the husbands, carry your family spiritually. Oh, yeah. Be in your word and speak the word of God over your wife and your baby. Because the truth is, you're going to have these fears. They're only going to compound they're only going to grow. The more you're on social media, the more stories you hear. We're in a large community. We know a lot of people, a lot of stories, a whole lot of stories that the minute you get pregnant. Truthfully, I was more afraid of pregnancy than a baby. A baby did not scare me. Having my child, I feel good. It's the pregnancy part. Like, all of the steps to get the baby brought a lot of fear. But having a spouse and a husband pray over me every night and speak scripture over me and pray over our baby, he really has anchored that fear. Yeah. And you need that advocate. Like, I remember when you were pregnant with Gia and there was something that the doctor said. It was one of those things of, like, your baby might have this. I think it was even your placenta, too. There was a problem. Oh, yeah, yeah. My place. And it was probably close to my cervix. Yes. And they were telling you all the possibilities. And it was. I think mom or something said, all right, so this is where Steph's gonna have to rely on Moynia. Like, it was Moonya that had to step up into the doctor's office and really lead that and lead you and cover you because you're not in an emotional state to carry all of that. Like, I had to tell the doctor the other day, I had to refuse one of the treatments they were giving me because I just didn't feel right about it. And I was so nervous, I had to call you after. Like, did I do the right thing? Yeah. Because it's a lot for us on our own. Oh, my gosh. So I will say rely on your husband and husbands, if you're listening. Be that. That lead for her in that covering. No. And it's funny you say that because the fear really does only grow. It really. It only gets worse as the baby comes. And then you're growing that baby because you have different obstacles every single time. It's then the nursing. Are you producing enough milk? No. So now you get to switch over to formula. But there's so many bad things about formula. I don't want to do the formula. Okay, well, now you can spoon feed them. Are they going to choke? Do they have an allergy? And then can I trust them to eat alone with my parents and all it. And then swimming. And then swimming and then the car seat and then everything. There's fear around everything. And dang, I just lost my. Oh, I remember with my connect group, with my young mom's connect group, whenever we Hit the topic of fear and anxiety. The connect group goes on for like, two, three hours. I bet it's because every mom has their own version of it. And it can manifest in fear of foods. Manifest in fear of what? Like the voices that are coming in in organic cleaning products. Like, literally everybody's a danger. Everything's a danger. And every mom, like, picks their fear. But it all comes down to the same source, which is just, I really, really don't want my baby to be harmed. And I really want to raise a good baby and I want to create a good person. And I want. I don't want them to experience the same pains that I experienced. And that's where you have to realize, well, let me step back. I'm not the only one raising this baby. Yeah. If the Holy Spirit is in my home like I say he is, if I do rise up and say, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. Yeah. Then the Lord is raising my. My baby along with me. And I gotta do my part. Yeah. I gotta be strong. I gotta step up. I have to speak over my child. I have to show them how to read the Bible. I have to teach them how to eat well, teach them how to clean well, all those things. But I also have to walk in a piece every morning and night that I trust and lean on the Lord to help protect my children. Because I think that you do have to fully wrap your mind around the idea, whether it the bad thing, whether the nightmare happens or it doesn't happen. But what if it actually happens? Because a lot of moms do walk through the nightmare. Yeah. It's true. What will I do when the nightmare occurs? Am I going to run away from God and then just completely resent him the rest of my life? Or am I going to trust him to repair me, repair my child and move forward with my life? And that's where you do have to allow your mind to go through the full situation. God is God of my life no matter what happens. Yeah. It's so true. Now, speaking of, like, the fear, because you said it grows. So right now it's. Is the baby still good? Is everything. Is everything developing the way that it should? Is he growing? She growing? But then you get to the labor process. Yeah. Which. That brings a whole lot of fear. Oh, yeah. Because there's a lot of different opinions. Everybody wants to do it natural nowadays. But then you might get to your due date. The baby's breached. The baby's. Your body's not going into labor. The doctors referring A C section. You don't want a C section and then you're forced into it and then you're let down because you didn't want the C section. Other moms love the scheduling of a C section. Yeah, yeah. But then natural pregnancy has its own issues as well and fears. And do you get the epidural? There's, there's too much. Yeah. I, I almost wish we were born not knowing, not knowing so much. And we were born 50 years ago because there's so many opinions. Yes. And what's so hard is that we would sometimes trust somebody we don't know on Instagram. Yeah. Versus a doctor that is working with us. Yes. And I'm not saying you over rely on your doctors and you're just fully dependent on your doctors, but at the same time they know a lot. They know a lot. They went to schooling for this. And also that's why you get a doctor you trust. Like I'm going to Yalls doctor that you've been with, Rochelle's been with. Because man, if someone were to walk in to our industry and tell us, well, a pastor on social media told me this and that, I'd be like, you don't know that guy. So basically how would you or what advice would you give to a first time mom that's nervous about labor? I think that no matter what, there's a bad side to all of it. Like you said, there's horror stories with natural birth C sections in the birthing centers, in a hospital there, there you're going to hear all the worst of the worst and you've really got to shut your mind off of, off of it. If you are reading information for your sake, that's great. If you're reading information to that's only making you fear more, then you need to put some guidelines up and, and don't do all that research, don't look at all the videos, don't read all the horror stories. It's not good for you. And I would say that the best thing to do honestly is one day get off of Google and go to moms that you like how they raise their kids, you like how their health is, you like their mental, like how they process things. Go to other moms that you respect and admire and ask them how they did it and go to like three or four of them. If at church, at, on, on, not even online, don't go to anybody online. People that you know that raised healthy kids, go to those moms and ask them, what did you do? Yeah. And Then just piecemeal. Okay, well, I don't like that, but I like this. I even was talking to my doctor a couple weeks ago, and she's like, listen, I totally understand why some moms would want to do birthing centers. And if you want to do that, that's your preference. You can give birth to the baby naturally in a hospital. Yeah. You can actually go and say, don't give me the iv, don't give me the epidural. Don't hook me up. I don't want to monitor. I want my midwives and my doula there, and I'll do a natural birth in the hospital, which I had no idea that that was an option. That. And that's another thing that, like, really upsets me is with your first pregnancy, they do not give you at least the majority of doctors. Some doctors are amazing, but the majority of doctors do not prep your. Prepare you. No. On your options. They do not tell you what that you are in control of this. You. You have so many different options. And I would just say, go ask the questions, and then if the doctor isn't really giving you a direct answer, go to another doctor, call another doctor, see if there's other options, see what you could do, and even call the hospital, see if the hospital. Because also your. Your OB GYN is very different from the nurses and doctors you're going to be working with at the hospital. Very true. All the nurses you see at your OB you will not be seeing in the hospital. Those are. It's a totally different set of people. Your doctor, you might. If they're on call. So this is where I would actually say women really step up and take control of the situation. Don't be intimidated now. Don't walk in with a chip on your shoulder, already mad at the nurses and mad at the doctors that, like you said, we trust their expertise. But know that you are in charge of this pregnancy, you're in charge of this birth, and if they want to push something on you, all you got to say is, I'll do it at the next appointment. Let me go home and do some research first. Exactly. Let me figure out what I want to do. Let me make some calls, and hey, I'll come back here tomorrow if we're on a time crunch. But don't. Don't let them push you. Don't let them intimidate you. You do what you want. Like with your. With research done, of course, do your due diligence, but just ask for what you want to do. And then I. I Would also then say, what was the question again? About labor? Someone that's afraid of or nervous about labor. Yeah. Surround yourself with your team. I, for, for us, we're really blessed. We have a mom who had four babies. Our husbands are not afraid of that. They're really well educated. They loved being in the room. I have a mother in law who's very well educated. She was happy to be in the room. I have a sister in law. I was surrounded by. Really? We have a dad that also loves. Oh, my gosh. My dad would deliver the baby if he could. He would deliver the baby if he could. He would. But I was surrounded and a lot of women are not. They may not have moms that are present or moms that are really interested in that. They may not have husbands who can handle it. And that's okay. That's fine. But then you should still surround yourself with women that are really good in this area. And I mean surround yourself on the day of birth. Like, if you need to get a doula, go get a doula. If you need to look at midwives, go find the midwives. Yeah. And communicate to them your preferences. If you are pro medication, tell them that you want the medicine, that you want the epidural. But there will be moments during the labor and delivery where things do not go the way you want them to. And you are so out of it and so in so much pain that you need somebody there on your behalf pushing what you want. Yeah. You need an advocate in there. You need an advocate and assemble that before it comes. And be clear about what it is that you want. And then be open, be flexible. Be okay, trust God. But do all the classes. Do all the delivery classes. See what your insurance can pay for. Yeah. Do your due diligence. And if you aren't somebody who's like that, go to other moms. Yeah. That can give you that information. But you want to show up having done your homework. Yeah. Because it's, it's a big moment. And if you are already a little bit more prone to fear you, you might crumble in there. It's true. You might crumble. And you gotta know, this is what I want. But I'm okay if it ends up this way. And if you need a birth plan, do the birth plan. But no matter what, make sure you don't go in there alone without the proper people surrounding you. Yeah. And I like the thought of, like, ask all the questions and you might get annoying to your doctor, but like, that's fine because you have to Also be in his position. He sees hundreds of people every day. He has birth so many babies. Yeah. So I can kind of relate. Not relate. But I do understand doctors that they're just in their process and a lot of the reasons why they do what they do is based on liability. Yeah. And I can get that. Like, we're not in the moment where we're getting sued for something that's wild. Because the doctor did not state exactly what the person needed to hear. Yeah. So, like, I understand why doctors are the way that they are, but ask them the questions. And again, they. They referred something to me last week that I had to ask them. Is this mandatory? Do I have to do this? Because they're just doing what, frankly would. Would kind of clear their name. They're referring you to the counselor. They're referring you to this or a high risk doctor. Because they do know in their protocol, if this shows up, do this. And they have. The lady even told me. She's like, look, it's not like, I'll tell the doctor that you don't want this. I am just wanting you to reiterate and state on the phone that you are saying no to this treatment. Yeah. And she's like, repeat after me. Like, they need that for the liability. It's so true. But at the same time, you know your baby and this is your baby that you're going to raise. Yeah. So ask all the questions. And I love what you said. Bring in people that you know and you trust. Yeah. And if you. And this is something I'm having to, like, surrender of, like, okay. If I get to the day, I want to do natural with an epidural, but I want to do natural. And something happens where I need to have a C section. It's not the end of the world. Our best friend has only had C section, and she's one of the greatest moms and has some of the most fun children ever. And nurse her babies. Nurse her babies. And don't feel. Because there's a lot. Like, in our community, we have the people that are super organic and granola and they think you won't connect with your baby if you have a C section. Then we have the people that are. Go in and schedule it and don't even worry about doing it. Badge. Like, there's so many different people in our circle. Yeah. But we are having to take little bits and pieces from everybody. Yeah. But then find the ones that we trust. We know what they've done. We. We have a great mom, like you said. That does take the fear out, but also is the one that says, this isn't normal. Go get checked. Yeah. And you need that. You need people that, that you trust, and you really just need people because you will see that there are bad sides to every way of mothering. Yeah. Every mom that did the natural birth, like you. You're right. Because you will have moms who are like, staunch believers in. I have a greater connection with this baby because I nursed them for a whole year. And that's really, really sad. To the moms who just did not produce milk and they did everything that they could and it didn't work out. No. And I've actually seen some babies that are more attached to their moms that were formula fed than the. The kids that were nurse for a whole year. Well, we also notice that, like, sometimes that when they're formula, they're able to attach to everyone, not just their mom. And it's very convenient. It's very helpful. It's very, very convenient. I know there's so many things. And then I would also ask because this, we're kind of doing it in session. So we start with the pregnancy and all that, the labor. But then what is something that you wish more moms would be prepared for when they're going into their postpartum season? It is. It's very, very dark for some moms. Some moms don't deal with it. But there, there is definitely the postpartum blues, postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety. And that's very, very real. And I cannot overemphasize it. You really need to get around other moms that know what you're feeling. I would not pick up the phone and call somebody who's not a mom because then they may want to diagnose you when it's like, are you two months postpartum? Yeah. You're just struggling with hormones. Yeah. And moms that aren't afraid to go and help you and come and grab your baby and help you hold the baby or just come and make you food. But, like, really be prepared. It is a real thing. Yeah. It hits you hard out of nowhere. Husbands, be very prepared to help out your wife. And moms. Do not say no to the connect group. Do not say no to the mothers, to the community. Don't do it. Don't isolate yourself too much. Don't stay home for too long. Don't stay in for too long. If you are still recovering. Do zoom calls. Be on group chats. Text your moms. Text your mom. Friends every day. And be honest. I don't feel good today. Ladies, can you please pray for me? I need some help. What did you do? There have been seasons where I cannot get out of the house. So I rely on my group chats. And I have been as connected via group chat as I have in person. It's true. And that's just the season. And thank God we have. It's a resource of community. But I would say that is my number one non negotiable. Stay connected digitally in person. Text your girls and be honest. Be straightforward. Get on the phone and call with them. Most likely we're all awake at midnight. Like so true. We're texting. Every time I text my friends

30 they're awake. Like we're texting and do that. Do not isolate yourself no matter what your emotions are telling you because that is just the perfect storm for you to believe. I dealt with the worst anxiety, the worst depression. Nobody has experienced it to the depths that I have only to find out when you join a connect group a year later. Everybody was experiencing exactly. And even detachment from your baby. It's a weird thing you'll. When I had Matthew, he came out looking very squished and he. Because he was so low. His shoulder, he had no neck like his shoulders and his head was like this. And I remember seeing him like, is he always gonna be like that? Is he always like not gonna have a neck? And they're like, no, it will stretch out. It's okay. And it was awful. But it did put a weird. It affected me emotionally and I felt so guilty. But that. It happens. It's a real thing. You go home and you're like, what have I done? I can't handle this baby. I love them. But I. I don't know what. I don't know how to. How to mother them. Yeah. And that's when you need people to swoop in and help you and carry you. And I love what you said about isolation because I think the number one. Maybe not number one, but one of the top lies that the enemy's always going to tell you in any season of life is you're the only one going through this. Yeah. And it can either make you a victim or it can actually like build up really bad pride in you. Yeah. Of like, I do certain things because I'm. I'm the first mother on the planet. Like a lot of people act like they're the first mother that ever came to be. But also the, the other. The Downside of the victim is like, I'm the only one that feels disconnected from my baby. Yeah. I'm the only one that feels this way. That I saw my baby. She or he is not what I thought they would look like. And now I'm feeling this certain way. Does that mean I don't love my baby? And then you don't want to admit that to other people because you think I am the different one. Where if you would just say it, first of all, you would realize what you're saying and what you sound like. And you'd have other moms that go, I thought the same thing. Yeah. Like, look what my baby looked like. I did not expect that. And it just makes you feel less crazy. But you're right. It's all within the community. Like, you have to have the right people around you that go, you're not crazy. You're not. You're just hormonal. This is just a season. That's why I'm really glad. As we're talking, I'm thinking about Lauren's book that's gonna come out. Oh, yeah. Did God make me crazy? Did God make me crazy? Cause this. She. Part of the reason she wrote this book was because of our friend that was going through postpartum. Yeah. And it helps with the girls and going through puberty and all that. But it really was based on postpartum season after your baby because. And to know that it lasts up to two years for people. Yeah. Like, it's a long process. And then if you have babies, like, you've had all of your babies back to back. So I don't want to say that you haven't been yourself. No, but I've been weird. But the last five years of your life. Off. You've been off. I've been off. And then, remember, our friend had a miscarriage, and I had the miscarriage like, a couple months before her. And that. That was the worst hormonal, emotional spin of my life, that. Kudos to the girls that have dealt with that multiple times. So I had my miscarriage, went into a weird place, and it wasn't even about the miscarriage. I was just in a weird place. And then my friend had her miscarriage, and she was struggling. And I remember everybody thought something was wrong with her. And I'm like, wait, no, wait a minute. No, it's not that. Yeah, I went through the same thing. It's her hormones. It's just her hormones. She's just. Her brain's in a weird place. And I would Even say, as the mom who is experienced, don't sit on the sidelines and please step in and help out the other moms. Yeah. If all you're thinking about is your kids, if that is your number one passion, squeeze into their other moms. Yeah. Because we can go into our mom cave, and that's a real temptation where I can stay home every night now and just be with my kids. Yeah. I can stay home every day while everybody goes to work, and I just homeschool my kids. And it's me and them, and that's all we do. And there's a part of that that's very honorable. But other moms need your insight. Very true. They need your discernment to be able to step in and go, nothing's wrong with your baby. You're okay. Or something is wrong. Go take them to the doctor. Yes. Some. You need help. You need to go get your hormones checked. Or, no, that's just your hormones. If you are a strong mom who's had a serious passion for your children, step in and stretch it to the other moms. Yeah. And help out these other young moms that don't know what they're getting into. It's so true. Invite them over, go to their house, bring them. Bring them food, help. And just ask them, how are you doing? Yes. Because it is. It's always the joke of, like, when you have a baby and people come and visit you, everyone's like, hi. Hi. Where's the baby? Yeah. And it. You love that because you're like, it's my baby. But I do wonder if that does kind of seep into the mom. That's like, okay. But I am struggling, and I don't know if it's possible. 100%. 100%. Because you do start to think, well, people only care about the baby now. Yeah. And I think it's a good rule of thumb, like, for other girls. Like, even if you're not, like, as you're saying this, I'm like, I need to check in with my postpartum, like, friends. Like, yeah. Not just say, hey, how are you adapting? Like, how are you doing? How are you thinking? How. How do you feel about yourself? How do you feel about your husband? How do you feel about the baby? Because I feel like if we ask them that more, it would give those moms the opportunity to be more honest. 100%. And it just opens the door to them. No. And if you're the mom who's obsessed with knowing everything, that's not a bad idea. That's not a bad thing. But use it to bless other moms. Yeah. And if you know, oh, after three months, that's when your hormones spike and that's when you start to feel the postpartum depression. If you know those facts, use them. And keep in mind, my friend just had their baby three months ago. Let me ask them how they're doing because I haven't seen them and I haven't heard from them and they're not posting. So maybe they're going through something. And really, motherhood needs a community like you do. You will not get through this. Well, if you don't lean on a community of moms. And that could be done digitally, it can be in person. But you, you need to lean on the other moms. And I think it's even sweet, like as somebody that's newly pregnant and a first time mom, when someone texts me, I don't want to annoy you with my opinion, but this is what helped me. That preface. I know I'll receive it. I'll take anything. It's so true. It's just somebody that goes, hey, I know what it's like. That's really true. I also like our friend Steph. She texted me yesterday and she was like, hey, don't mean to bombard you, but whenever you want. Like, these are some things that helped me and I don't know why. I just like with her, whenever she gives me advice or like baby items, I'm like, yes, give me everything. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's really crazy. And she sent me like onesies to think about using. And then like nursing stuff. I was like, I need that. Like, I want all of this. But it, it did help because she came in knowing, yeah, I was just there. Yeah, I know the overwhelming feeling of everybody's talking to you, but this is what worked for me. So be open with that stuff. And it's so true that you say that, because I now realize there were some friends that I made simply through motherhood. And it's weird. It's connections that you did not have before with that person. No, you didn't really connect over marriage. You didn't connect over funny thing, anything. But then randomly you have a baby and it's like a soul tie to that one mom that it's like, I like how you mommed. I need everything you need. We're in the same boat, having our kids at the same time. Same time. I need your. I need everything. Yes. And it's a beautiful connection. So Last question as we close. How has motherhood changed you? It has only changed me for the better. I think that it's made me a better Christian because I have to lean on the Lord every single day with my babies. It has rearranged my priorities in life to what really matters. Your babies in life and your family is really the best thing you will ever experience. There is nothing like having a husband that you love, raising kids together, and the only way you can get through that season and walk out blessed is by obeying the Lord every single day in small ways. I'm just going to prioritize my kids today. I'm going to prioritize my husband today and when. If you could just be a good Christian and see the importance of that, then you will walk out with beautiful babies that love you, that are happy, with a husband that loves you and that will be your number one priority, which is, I think, the ultimate way to live. Yeah. And children is what made me realize that. I love that. Well, Steph, great job. This was awesome. We did it. We did it. And I think this is going to be a blessing to everybody that watched. We hoped or we hope it blessed you. For those of you that watch this and we encourage you to share it, share it with anybody that you know. It would help and that it would bring a lot of just confirmation and confidence to. I would also say this. If you are somebody that's not pregnant or a mom and you are going to send this to a first time mom, then make sure you preface it with I don't mean to be annoying but this might be a blessing to you because it might be a whole other thing that they ignore. But we hope this blessed you guys. Thank you so much for watching the Family Business podcast with the Alessis and the Claudio Nas and we hope you have a great day. Thanks so much for joining the Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share it with a friend and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time because family is everybody's business.