When Spouses Struggle: 7 Powerful Ways to Help When Life Gets Hard

Announcer [00:00:00]:
This is an encore presentation of The Family Business with the Alessis. 

Steve Alessi [00:00:13]:

Hello and welcome to another episode of The Family Business with the Alessis, where family is everybody's business. And today in the podcast booth is Steve Alessi and Mary Alessi.

Mary Alessi [00:00:27]:
It's good to be here today.

Steve Alessi [00:00:28]:
How are you, babe?

Mary Alessi [00:00:29]:
I'm doing good.

Steve Alessi [00:00:30]:
Yeah, it's been a good couple of weeks. We enjoyed some nice times of celebrating, and now we have released a 42 book that is pretty exciting.

Mary Alessi [00:00:44]:
And it's already doing great. Yep, it's doing well. The feedback's phenomenal, and a lot of tears, a lot of inspiration and motivation that people are sharing the book has given them. And that's what it's all about, telling your story. is giving people license and freedom to tell theirs.

Steve Alessi [00:01:01]:
Well, let's get right into it today because something that has come up with the book itself, and people can get the book on Amazon, and hopefully they'll be able to do that, 42 by Steve Alessi.

Mary Alessi [00:01:14]:
And leave a review.

Steve Alessi [00:01:15]:
Leave a review. Thank you. One of the things that come up in our whole story of the heart attack and such is the support Yeah. That you were able to give over the year. And while we were going through all of that, right, I was going through that, your support. And part of my deal when I came back to the church and was— I was just letting people know what a rock star you were during all of that. You were solid, literally as a rock, to be able to stand there and go through everything that needed to be— had to be dealt with while we were going through it. Even to the point that you shielded our kids from the actual heart attack itself because you were focused on me and you had to deal with them while they were in the room next door and you didn't want them to see anything so they wouldn't be traumatized by it.

Steve Alessi [00:02:08]:
So first, thank you. Glad you're strong.

Mary Alessi [00:02:13]:
Can I just hold on a second? I have to interject. By nature, and you know this about me, I am probably the most indecisive person. I cannot decide. where I want to eat. I can't decide what paint color to go with. I'll pick 10 different whites and I can't figure out which one. It drives you crazy. Pick something, Mary.

Mary Alessi [00:02:30]:
Just decide. You get mad at me if I don't pick the restaurant we want to go eat to because you don't want the pressure of me now offering 10 suggestions, right? Wow.

Steve Alessi [00:02:40]:
Confession is good for the soul. Well, it's true.

Mary Alessi [00:02:43]:
I know who I am in my strengths and in my weaknesses. I have a difficult time making a decision. And even my adult kids will tell me this day, Mom, make a decision. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? But in that moment, right, that was not me. I made a decision solid, and I was able to see how choosing whichever way you choose, if you choose the right way, it gives you strength, it gives you peace, it gives you the ability to go through something that you didn't think you were strong enough to go through.

Steve Alessi [00:03:15]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:03:16]:
And so that's what's a part of the book in the story. And I think even Gabby said it. this morning as she was reading it. Dad, what you said about Mom in the book was so beautiful because she chose life.

Steve Alessi [00:03:29]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:03:30]:
And that is something that I look back on even in my own life, and I realized that was a moment for me. I have to choose in this life and death moment that I'm going to choose life for my children, life for my husband, life at this moment from a person that by nature is so indecisive, I cannot choose. And I want to say that right off the bat because it would be easy for for other people to dismiss themselves and say, I could never go through that. I'm not as strong as Pastor Mary. Well, I by nature am not either. But in a dire moment, I'm just grateful I did make a decision.

Steve Alessi [00:04:01]:
Yeah. So thank you for that. So what I wanna talk about today in the podcast booth here is how to be a support for your spouse when your spouse is going through something, going through a rough time. So you were there for me, but, you know, I was with a couple of guys this week, And both of them, one was going through something and the other had a spouse, a wife who was just experiencing something. So, and I'm not talking about a life and death situation. It could be something as simple as a slip and fall like you did, where now your shoulder's fractured, and I'm here to help support you through it.

Mary Alessi [00:04:43]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:04:43]:
It could be something that's business related where Your spouse is handling something on the job, right? Husband or wife.

Mary Alessi [00:04:51]:
Or lost their job.

Steve Alessi [00:04:52]:
Lost their job, going through something in their career that they're having to deal with. Or it could be, you know, the loss of one of your spouse's parents.

Mary Alessi [00:05:02]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:05:03]:
Or maybe surgery or anything like that.

Mary Alessi [00:05:07]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:05:08]:
When your spouse is going through something like this, Let's talk about how the other spouse can help support them.

Mary Alessi [00:05:17]:
Even life changes like getting older, right? Just aging.

Steve Alessi [00:05:20]:
But especially when there's crisis, something going on, boom, something happens. How do we support each other through it? When I'm not the one going through it, but I'm the one that's sitting there watching you go through it right now. I have to be there for you. So I want to talk about that. Because I'm afraid some spouses, couples, when they go through a difficult time, I'll tell you just from a guy's perspective, it's easy to think, well, I got the kids, they're gonna help mom get through it.

Mary Alessi [00:05:52]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:05:52]:
I gotta take care of my job. I gotta take care of my ministry. I gotta take care of me and my life, right? Because by nature, we may not be a caretaker, it's easy for us to just, think somebody else will step in, her mother will step in and help her go through it.

Mary Alessi [00:06:08]:
Her sister, her friends, right? Her sister, right?

Steve Alessi [00:06:10]:
Yeah, their friends. But how important is it for the spouse to take care, you know, of the other when the other is going through it? And I say that because we're one. When we get married, that's right, a husband and wife become one. And You can't expect total healing for someone that's your spouse if only 50% of the person is there. So you can't give up your space. Personally speaking, I think it's my goal, my responsibility, which then becomes my goal, to make sure that if you're going through something, I got to be there with you to help you get through it. And it's a pain because I'd rather go ahead and let the girls do it, who are much more into taking care of their mom. Yeah, but I can't do that.

Mary Alessi [00:07:02]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:07:02]:
So I have to step up and be that support for you and say to my job for a minute, say to whatever my activities are, let me put all that on hold because an accident or whatever it is, this I need to be there for. And I'm going to speak from my side of the table. My wife. Right. I got to be there for her. And Why is that important?

Mary Alessi [00:07:28]:
I think it's important because it really shows that love and that care for your spouse. When you do go through something as a married person, you aren't going through it on your own. And it's not really fair to default to family members when it puts you out. That's not right. That's your spouse. That's your loved one, whether they're going through something emotionally, psychologically, physically, circumstantially, that is your, your spouse. And before God, you've made a covenant with that person. You are one, as you said.

Mary Alessi [00:07:57]:
So when she's hurting, you're hurting. When he's hurting, you're hurting.

Steve Alessi [00:08:00]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:08:01]:
And the truth of the matter is, I think those are the circumstances where we really do form a union and a really sweet covenant with each other when the other one's down. And you know, your spouse is on your side. Something we like to say some of the— those of us ladies who've been friends a long time. And we've talked at a couple of the wedding showers to the brides. And Melanie Gomez is the first one to have brought this, this phrase up. And it's so good. She said, I know that when Tony's down, whether it's a job situation, if I'm not Team Tony, it's going to bring a lot of pressure and pain to my marriage. But I don't care if I don't understand it.

Mary Alessi [00:08:43]:
If I can't relate to it, I put my Team Tony t-shirt on. And I am Team Tony. Whether he broke his leg, or he's just having a hard day, I am Team Tony. And the difference that that makes is night and day. Well, you know, we say, okay, men aren't naturally nurturing. But women aren't naturally understanding with their husbands. Women can be very nurturing. But if they're going through something emotionally, their husbands are, they don't understand it, they can almost be brutal.

Mary Alessi [00:09:08]:
at times. Like, what's going on with you? Figure it out. Come on, stop it. You're being a grump. And that has really— that painted such a beautiful picture of when you're Team Mary. There's just something that happens in our marriage, in our relationship that brings such a confidence that I know you've got my back. If my arm's broken, you're going to be the one that gives me my medication. You're going to be the one that says, I got Mom, I'll make sure she has her water at night.

Mary Alessi [00:09:35]:
She's got, you know, and the care that that extends.

Steve Alessi [00:09:38]:
Mm-hmm.

Mary Alessi [00:09:38]:
It just goes such a long way because there's healing in that.

Steve Alessi [00:09:42]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:09:42]:
And you feel like, man, whatever problems I have just are going away because my man's got me, or my wife's got me.

Steve Alessi [00:09:52]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:09:53]:
And it's just a beautiful picture of really loving each other the right way.

Steve Alessi [00:09:57]:
Right. Tying your shoes.

Mary Alessi [00:09:58]:
You've had to tie my shoes.

Steve Alessi [00:10:00]:
I had to tie your shoes. I've had to do a lot of things I don't want to mention on this podcast.

Mary Alessi [00:10:03]:
You've had to do a lot of things for me.

Steve Alessi [00:10:04]:
That's cool. Tell me though, what does it say to the kids?

Mary Alessi [00:10:08]:
Oh man, it really, it says to the kids, first of all, they raise the level of their own expectation of what to look for in a spouse if they're not married. But they also learn how you treat your spouse, how you love your spouse. Because I think one of the worst things that we, you and I have experienced over the years in pastoring and being with couples is that caustic sarcasm that we hear from other couples. Oh, He's never going to— he would never help me do that. Or he would never put gas in my car, or he would— no, my husband would never. And they, they don't realize it erodes your modeling of marriage for your kids. How much— You can do that and still stay married. But how much more beautiful is it that you show to your kids a relationship that is so caring for one another and nurturing for one another, That's my husband.

Mary Alessi [00:11:00]:
That's my wife. Before you were our kids, we had each other before you were in this world. And I think it just makes your kids see you as mom and dad in such a beautiful light of what they want to be and what they want to have.

Steve Alessi [00:11:14]:
Yeah. They need to see that the husband and wife, they're the— it's not an arrangement. It's a covenant.

Mary Alessi [00:11:21]:
It's a covenant.

Steve Alessi [00:11:22]:
And a covenant means I got to be there with you, for you, 'Cause you were there for me, I gotta be there for you. We— it's just something that, that we have to deal with. So, um, it doesn't have to be a crisis. Could be business related. It could be, you know, something just physical.

Mary Alessi [00:11:39]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:11:39]:
Thrown out back, whatever. Okay.

Mary Alessi [00:11:41]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:11:41]:
Um, there's a difference between babying a person.

Mary Alessi [00:11:45]:
Exactly.

Steve Alessi [00:11:45]:
Pampering them.

Mary Alessi [00:11:46]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:11:46]:
You know, you, you don't— hopefully you're not the kind of spouse that needs pampering. You're secure in yourself enough to know that, you know, we're together, we're both strong. 50/50 coming into the marriage is only a matter of— it's the two become one. So it takes 50/50 to complete, to make one. But when you come to the table mentally, spiritually, emotionally, sexually, it should be 100/100. You got to give yourself 100% to your spouse if you're going to have a healthy marriage, not just an arrangement, if you're going to have a covenant. Because a covenant means I'm there through thick and thin, whether I want to or not. Sacrifices is attached and so forth.

Mary Alessi [00:12:27]:
If I'm hurting, you're hurting. If you're hurting, I'm hurting.

Steve Alessi [00:12:30]:
That's covenant. And if your schedule's interrupted, so is mine.

Mary Alessi [00:12:32]:
Exactly.

Steve Alessi [00:12:33]:
All right, now my routine's a little different. I can't go to counseling tonight because I have to hang out. Counseling is code word for hanging out with the boys that sometimes—

Mary Alessi [00:12:42]:
That you counsel.

Steve Alessi [00:12:42]:
My connect group that I have. So I can't go to counseling tonight because I got to stay home with Mary to make sure that, you know, we're getting her fed and I'm taking care of the things.

Mary Alessi [00:12:52]:
She needs my help.

Steve Alessi [00:12:52]:
She needs me. So here's a few things I think that are important, that if we're going to be there for one another. I think one, you have to be understanding.

Mary Alessi [00:13:01]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:13:02]:
And when I say that, what I mean is, you have to look at your spouse and say about them in your mind, it's okay that right now they're not 100%.

Mary Alessi [00:13:14]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:13:15]:
It's okay that they're not well right now. It's okay. Because what you're sometimes accustomed to doing is thinking, my spouse needs to be taking care of themselves. They need to be all in, so they're going to have to carry their load and so forth. Well, what happens when they can't? Do you think less of them? Do you immediately say, oh, they're just like my father?

Mary Alessi [00:13:40]:
Yeah. Or they're just like their mother.

Steve Alessi [00:13:42]:
Their mother, right? No, I think you need to be more respectful and say to them, I understand right now you can't do your part. And I'm all right with that. And I'm not going to look at it like you've interrupted my life. You're being interrupted, right? You're being put out because of whatever this issue is. So I understand right now. I, I'm here for you. Yeah, you need me.

Mary Alessi [00:14:08]:
I think that's good. You know, understanding is something that can be so lost in marriage. And one of the things you and I have talked about even for our own relationship, as we're cresting 35 years, friendship, being friends. And sometimes in marriage, we can treat our spouse so horribly, like they're not our friends. And we'll take food to our friends who's been in the hospital.

Steve Alessi [00:14:33]:
Come on.

Mary Alessi [00:14:34]:
We'll call our friend, is there anything you need from me? How can I help you? We'll tell our other people, friends in our lives, man, my friend is hurting. She had surgery or she's going through something. Let's pray for her. And yet zero compassion for our own spouse. Zero compassion. And we're not talking about, like you said, the needy spouse. It's always— we're talking about how in the life of a marriage, when things happen to each other, you can develop patterns where you're not understanding. So if I don't understand what you're going through, then I'm not going to help you because I don't understand it.

Mary Alessi [00:15:07]:
Get it together. What's wrong with you? Why are you going through that?

Steve Alessi [00:15:10]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:15:10]:
Well, I fractured my humerus. Well, I didn't.

Steve Alessi [00:15:14]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:15:14]:
Come on, we got things to do. Let's go.

Steve Alessi [00:15:15]:
Or, how cruel. That was stupid.

Mary Alessi [00:15:17]:
Why would you trip?

Steve Alessi [00:15:18]:
How could you trip?

Mary Alessi [00:15:19]:
Trust me, I'm saying all those things to myself.

Steve Alessi [00:15:22]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:15:23]:
But we can be kinder to our friends and horrible to our own spouse who we are one with.

Steve Alessi [00:15:29]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:15:30]:
So understanding is really not something that you— I might not understand.

Steve Alessi [00:15:35]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:15:36]:
I don't understand. You might not understand right now why my arm still hurts so bad.

Steve Alessi [00:15:40]:
Yeah. But it does. Get over it already, will you?

Mary Alessi [00:15:42]:
It's been 2 weeks, right? It's only been 2 weeks.

Steve Alessi [00:15:45]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:15:45]:
But that's, you know, we laugh about— we use that as an example. But there are deeper emotional things that couples go through that you don't understand what the other couple, the other spouse is going through. If they lost their job, and you're the personality that the sun's always shining, you always find good in the bad. Well, your husband's or wife's personality might not be like that.

Steve Alessi [00:16:06]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:16:07]:
So you don't understand. I don't understand why you're losing your faith. I don't understand why you're acting so upset about it. God's going to provide. Well, that's annoying to the person that's going through something. It just needs a minute to process.

Steve Alessi [00:16:18]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:16:19]:
So understanding is neither here nor there.

Steve Alessi [00:16:22]:
How about empathy? Because I think we also need to be empathetic when our spouse is going through something.

Mary Alessi [00:16:27]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:16:27]:
We've got to be able to give them some space and Just be empathetic towards it.

Mary Alessi [00:16:33]:
I do, too, because sometimes that's all you need is a couple of days just to process and get through feeling whatever it is you're feeling. And a person that really loves you gives you that space and doesn't judge you through that space. I remember hearing this a few years ago, really a great quote, wives, how they would approach their spouse going through something. And the 2 words they used were, if you need to address it or approach them about it, is there grace for that right now in the season they're in? And is the timing right? So be very careful what you're going to say. Think about what you're going to say if you're going to say it. And is there grace for that person, your spouse, to hear it? Because you can really be going through it and you already know, like with this arm.

Steve Alessi [00:17:21]:
Spell that out a little bit, though.

Mary Alessi [00:17:22]:
Okay, so like my arm, right? When we're in the emergency room and I'm in agonizing pain, that is not the time for you to say to me, how could you do this on the day that my book comes in and we have this unboxing? Didn't you think you should not wear those rubber-soled shoes walking around carpet? How could you? You could have gone into— you would never. I'm just using this as an example.

Steve Alessi [00:17:47]:
Yeah, I said something actually when you were laying on the floor. I thought it was a joke. Nobody got it, so it didn't land well.

Mary Alessi [00:17:53]:
Oh, when you said—

Steve Alessi [00:17:54]:
Oh, you remember that, huh?

Mary Alessi [00:17:55]:
Yeah, because the—

Steve Alessi [00:17:56]:
Yeah, I said, yeah, you had to steal the—

Mary Alessi [00:17:57]:
You had to steal my thunder.

Steve Alessi [00:17:59]:
Thunder today.

Mary Alessi [00:17:59]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:18:00]:
Yeah. I was kidding.

Mary Alessi [00:18:01]:
Yeah, but not the time. Okay. Timing.

Steve Alessi [00:18:03]:
There you go.

Mary Alessi [00:18:03]:
Timing. Okay. You were joking.

Steve Alessi [00:18:06]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:18:06]:
Yep.

Steve Alessi [00:18:06]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:18:06]:
But the timing was bad because I'm moaning and crying in agony and pain. Oh, you had to steal my thunder. So you were joking, but whatever. Okay, so that's another thing. Yeah, don't do that. That's the whole picture. Sometimes with our spouses, we want to rush in and be aggressive about something to think we're going to snap them out of it when they're going through something and they need time. Is the grace for that there? Is the timing right to make that statement or to say that?

Steve Alessi [00:18:36]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:18:36]:
Sometimes it's okay to give your spouse 48 hours to just process and give them some space. That goes back though, I think, to that friendship thing. If you'll see your spouse, treat them like you would your friend under those circumstances, you're going to handle it better.

Steve Alessi [00:18:52]:
Which then I think you need to be patient. Yeah. With time, you got to give, you got to give your spouse time to sort things out.

Mary Alessi [00:19:00]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:19:02]:
So they may not be responding right away like you want them to, like you think they should. But that patience on your part to say, all right, they're in this funk, they're in this hole, they're, they're feeling, you know, physically, they just can't handle it. Yeah, he should get up and go to work. But maybe it's just, he's not ready yet. Maybe he, he needs to feel 100% before we just, just be patient.

Mary Alessi [00:19:27]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:19:28]:
And let your spouse just sort some things out, especially if it's one of those life-altering, career-altering—

Mary Alessi [00:19:36]:
Sure.

Steve Alessi [00:19:37]:
deals, right? If they were let go, downsized in the company, there's a lot on a man's side. I'll tell you, ego has a lot to do with us responding to things in life. And if our ego has been bruised in the slightest, something's happened that could cause our egos to be bruised, a man's going to go through a real challenge here.

Mary Alessi [00:20:04]:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi [00:20:05]:
He feels like he's got to control things. He wants to provide. And if that's upset in the slightest, his ego is going to be bruised. So just be patient, right? Give them time to sort some things out.

Mary Alessi [00:20:21]:
And, you know, pressure in a marriage reveals itself in different ways from husband to wife. And a husband can be under pressure, and it reflects very differently. And a wife might not understand and not realize, okay, he's under pressure right now. let me back off. Vice versa. She's got the kids all over her. She's got pressures I don't have, because we view the world differently. We view the expectations of our kids and our day, just the expectations of our day, so differently.

Mary Alessi [00:20:49]:
And patience is required under pressure.

Steve Alessi [00:20:52]:
Yep.

Mary Alessi [00:20:52]:
You've got to be patient with your spouse if they're going through something. And it works both ways. So when you're loving and patient, it all eventually comes out anyway. One of the things that I remember Kathy Hayes telling me, it's so important for wives, if they live with a spouse that's a very driven personality, that when they're going through a storm you don't understand, don't get in the storm with them. Somebody's got to stay in a place of peace.

Steve Alessi [00:21:22]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:21:22]:
So just don't get in the storm. And sometimes as young wives, we think, I'm going to fix you and I'm going to change you and I'm going to talk you out of it. Instead of just being patient and letting the process happen, you jump in that storm. And before you know it, you're in a fight, you're crying, you're mad, and I'm just trying to help you. Well, that's not your job. That's not your role.

Steve Alessi [00:21:41]:
Right?

Mary Alessi [00:21:42]:
Just let patience work, have her perfect work. Because there's pressure here right now.

Steve Alessi [00:21:48]:
Right?

Mary Alessi [00:21:48]:
And you, you come through the storm, you get out of the hormonal crazy, you do come through, and your spouse is there waiting for you on the other side. You ready to go now?

Steve Alessi [00:21:57]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:21:58]:
And that's just such a beautiful way to treat one another. Right.

Steve Alessi [00:22:03]:
Which then I think being supportive when a person's going through something is really important. I say that because there's a tendency to put yourself in the middle of it, to make it about you, when in a moment like that, you need to make it about them.

Mary Alessi [00:22:26]:
Yeah, it's true.

Steve Alessi [00:22:29]:
So I can't be needy.

Mary Alessi [00:22:32]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:22:32]:
Like, oh my gosh, I'm not getting my needs met right now because of this disruption in our flow of life because of what they went through.

Mary Alessi [00:22:41]:
Sure.

Steve Alessi [00:22:42]:
You can't be needy. You got to look at the person that's in need. So to be supportive of your spouse when they're going through a hard time is to say, I'm not gonna make anything about me right now.

Mary Alessi [00:22:53]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:22:53]:
Because this isn't the time. This is about them. Let me help navigate them through whatever they're feeling or whatever time is needed for healing. Let me, let me give them some space. And I'll tell you right now, in our culture down here in South Florida, with all of my dear Latin brothers that are, you know, all machismo, it's all about the man. Okay. That's something where they, they, they have to get better in.

Mary Alessi [00:23:24]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:23:24]:
Because they, they can't sit back and think at this point when their spouse is going through something, they just need to get over it.

Mary Alessi [00:23:32]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:23:32]:
Because, hey, I got, I got to go on with my life. We got to go. No, slow down for a minute. This may not be your go-to.

Mary Alessi [00:23:39]:
Mm-hmm.

Steve Alessi [00:23:41]:
You may not be the touchy-feely kind of guy. Okay. And everything's probably been about you. She makes your food, makes your bed, takes care of your schedule, all that kind of stuff for you. So when she's going through something, it's— you got to put a pause on that, right? You're a better support system when you say, babe, what do you need from me?

Mary Alessi [00:24:06]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:24:07]:
And I would even say, ask that question.

Mary Alessi [00:24:09]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:24:09]:
You know, do you want to be alone in the room?

Mary Alessi [00:24:11]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:24:12]:
Or do you want me to sit next to you?

Mary Alessi [00:24:13]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:24:14]:
Do you want me to watch? What do you want to watch? You know, if you're on the mend and you're relaxing, okay, do you want me around? Or do you want me to just close the door and I'll throw you something when you need it?

Mary Alessi [00:24:25]:
Am I getting on your nerves?

Steve Alessi [00:24:27]:
You need me to back up? You know, what do you want?

Mary Alessi [00:24:29]:
Yeah. No.

Steve Alessi [00:24:30]:
Are you hungry? Yeah. Hey, babe, what do you— okay, what do you want from DoorDash? Or, you know, what do you want me to go pick up? Be supportive.

Mary Alessi [00:24:39]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:24:39]:
And just don't make it about yourself. Which then let's also include be prayerful.

Mary Alessi [00:24:44]:
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pray for your spouse.

Steve Alessi [00:24:47]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:24:47]:
Pray for your spouse when they're going through something. You pray for me all the time. I pray for you all the time. There's something so powerful about just stopping because it's a humbling experience. What it gives to the atmosphere of your home and of your marriage Words cannot do alone. But the posture of prayer, I am asking God to help my spouse, is the most beautiful display of love and care. And you have always exemplified that in our family, praying for your children and praying for us. And that's true leadership, I think, too.

Steve Alessi [00:25:25]:
Well, they all say— we all say, trust God, right? Well, sometimes I got to trust you to God.

Mary Alessi [00:25:31]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:25:31]:
Yes. So God knows you and what your needs are more than I do.

Mary Alessi [00:25:38]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:25:39]:
And I'm okay with that. He knows the deep needs that you have, the hidden secrets of your heart. So when you're going through something like this, hey, maybe it's God trying to teach you something.

Mary Alessi [00:25:51]:
Yeah, it's true.

Steve Alessi [00:25:52]:
Maybe God's trying to show you something.

Mary Alessi [00:25:54]:
You don't interrupt the process.

Steve Alessi [00:25:55]:
Don't interrupt. So pray for him. I got to sit back and say, yeah, as much as I trust God here, I want to trust That's right. To God, because God's going to get in there and work it out. And now if we flip it from a how does a wife respond to a husband who's going through a midlife crisis, going through a career change, going through a hit, problems with his parents, money issues, you know, that is a great place for a wife to come alongside of her husband and just let him know, hey, hon, I'm praying for you.

Mary Alessi [00:26:26]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:26:27]:
I'm with you on this. And I know, I know God's going to— here's what I think is great to be able to say to your husband, especially if he's a godly man. I know God's going to direct you.

Mary Alessi [00:26:38]:
Right. That's very good.

Steve Alessi [00:26:40]:
If I know that, because you know what that immediately does to me when you tell me that? Wow. I'm a man of faith. I got this.

Mary Alessi [00:26:45]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:26:46]:
I don't know exactly what to do tomorrow, but keep praying for me, babe. I'm going to help find the answer as we go on. Which then I would say, to support your spouses who are going through something like a difficult time, be close. Right? We are one.

Mary Alessi [00:27:04]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:27:06]:
And I can't separate from you when you're going through a difficult time, or else you're operating at 50% energy and power.

Mary Alessi [00:27:16]:
Yeah, it's true.

Steve Alessi [00:27:19]:
And sometimes it's easy to back away because if I'm not the nurturing type, that's not my go-to. It's easy to pull back and think somebody else is going to fill the void. But yet we're one. So if we're one, the only way to help you be 100% to get through it is to be present with you. Be close.

Mary Alessi [00:27:38]:
Absolutely. That's so important. And it also shows that the only thing that matters to me is you. Not my needs, not what I had my expectation in this marriage to be. And now you are falling below the line of my expectation because you're going through something. You really do learn what selflessness is.

Steve Alessi [00:27:59]:
Right.

Mary Alessi [00:27:59]:
When your spouse goes through something, when they take the hit, you take it too. You're in this together. You don't isolate yourself and say he's going through something or she's going through something. And I think that's, that's something that needs to also be spoken to. It goes back to understanding.

Steve Alessi [00:28:16]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:28:17]:
Whether you understand or not, makes no difference. Stay close to your spouse. Love your spouse. Be there for them. You don't have to understand. It's not always on you to fix your spouse. Just be there.

Steve Alessi [00:28:31]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:28:31]:
And just love them. And it makes a world of difference.

Steve Alessi [00:28:34]:
And the last one, be a confidant.

Mary Alessi [00:28:37]:
Yeah. Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:28:39]:
When we go through a hard time, sometimes that's when we're our most vulnerable.

Mary Alessi [00:28:44]:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi [00:28:45]:
And we wrestle with thoughts that are not necessarily truth. And we need to know what to do with those thoughts. And the best thing to be able to do is bounce them off somebody. And the spouse should be the confidant that they bounce them off of and not freak out when they do.

Mary Alessi [00:29:05]:
Well, can I tell you that in the book, when you start sharing about your honest feelings and thoughts, I'll be— and I've shared this with you before, that when you started doubting, you started saying things to me about faith in God and how could God do this? And you were really saying things that scared me.

Steve Alessi [00:29:24]:
Sure.

Mary Alessi [00:29:26]:
What I had to step back and say was, well, at least he's confiding in me. Yeah, these are deep, dark thoughts he's processing, and he's confiding with me. He doesn't necessarily have to mean it. And I don't have to talk him out of these thoughts and these feelings. He's saying them out loud. I'm a confidant. That means I'm a place that he trusts. I'm a person he trusts with his deepest, darkest fears.

Mary Alessi [00:29:49]:
And that's a beautiful gift.

Steve Alessi [00:29:51]:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi [00:29:51]:
And I had to restrain myself from trying to talk you through Your process.

Steve Alessi [00:29:57]:
Or running to mom and saying, oh my God, Steve, we're losing Steve. I don't understand what he's saying. You don't share those details with other people.

Mary Alessi [00:30:04]:
Me and me only.

Steve Alessi [00:30:06]:
You hold them in.

Mary Alessi [00:30:06]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:30:07]:
And again, you want to talk about what do I pray about? Hey, those are the things you pray about when they share with you stuff you don't understand. Then those are things that you pray about. But be a confidant. He should not— she should not need a sister or a best friend or anybody else to bounce their thoughts off of. They're just thoughts.

Mary Alessi [00:30:30]:
They're just thoughts.

Steve Alessi [00:30:30]:
It's not truth. It's just thoughts. And that's how the enemy plays with us. That's how life plays with us. When you go through something that's difficult, you're introduced to some of your weaknesses, your limitations. And if you're introduced to the limitation, the weaknesses, you don't hang out at limitation or weakness too often. But when you're forced to do it because of a life-altering event or career-altering event, then you're stuck there. And you can't help but have these thoughts that you have to process.

Steve Alessi [00:31:03]:
And there's nobody else that you should be processing them to than your spouse.

Mary Alessi [00:31:09]:
Exactly.

Steve Alessi [00:31:10]:
And if you can be that kind of support for each other and be friends, then yes, over time, yes, you're going to walk through that. So Mary, how do we know all of this? You know, it's because we went through it. Right. And 42, when that heart attack hit and life and death.

Mary Alessi [00:31:26]:
Yes.

Steve Alessi [00:31:27]:
And world seemed to be crazy going upside down, you know, put everything in perspective. You were that support. You were that support. And with every kid, when you were on your back, I took you as my support. I mean, I needed to be your support.

Mary Alessi [00:31:43]:
Right.

Steve Alessi [00:31:45]:
thing that you would go through, from the loss of your father to the, the loss of that marriage with your mom and dad early on, I knew I'm Mary's support. I needed to be that, and I didn't want your mom to be a support more than me, or your twin sister to be more of a support.

Mary Alessi [00:32:04]:
That's right.

Steve Alessi [00:32:04]:
And definitely not your kids to be more of a support. You're my wife. You're my responsibility. I took you as my own, better for worse, richer for poorer, sickness and in health. All those vows, they weren't just words, they're covenant.

Mary Alessi [00:32:19]:
That's true.

Steve Alessi [00:32:20]:
So we need to be with each other when we go through the hard times. So hopefully today's podcast has been an encouragement to you, especially if you're married and you're going through some things together. Our prayer is that you will have a rich, healthy, prosperous marriage and Be each other's great support. Thanks for joining us today.

Mary Alessi [00:32:39]:
Thanks so much for joining The Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time, because family is everybody's business.