Wife vs. Mother vs. Daughter: The Difficult Balancing Act Every Man Must Manage

Mary Alessi:
What I want to say in this moment is that when you use the word ego, I really do think that's. That's the target right there. That's the issue, is the man's ego.

Steve Alessi:
Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Family Business with the Alessi's. I'm Steve Alessi, and I'm here in the podcast booth with Mary Alessi, who just got her hair done. And if you're only listening, you're missing out on the look. It's a great look. I like you in this color.

Mary Alessi:
I liked all the compliments.

Steve Alessi:
Very good. You'll be more. There'll be more. All right. Well, listen, Mary, we have a lot to celebrate. We want to thank all of our viewers. We are coming up on almost at this point. We're like 10 episodes shy of having 250 episodes recorded.

Steve Alessi:
Pretty good.

Mary Alessi:
That's amazing. I'm proud of us. We stayed with this.

Steve Alessi:
Yes, we have. And we have a great Pawdience followers as we have over a million views on YouTube. That's a big deal.

Mary Alessi:
We officially passed.

Steve Alessi:
Yes, we did.

Mary Alessi:
We've been saying for a while, we're almost now. We've officially passed a million.

Steve Alessi:
Pretty cool.

Mary Alessi:
That's amazing.

Steve Alessi:
Well, people enjoy hearing, I guess, the whole family aspect. You know, we're. We come at it as a. The whole mindset of what we're doing is family is everybody's business.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So it is. It's where we get our greatest blessings. It's also where we experience some of our greatest pain and confusion and setbacks and burden. So what we're trying to do is lighten the load.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And so we want to thank you. If you are enjoying the episodes and our podcast, be sure that you are sharing this. Suggest it to your friends, share it with them, get them to like it, get them to follow all that's going on for all things family business with the Alessi. So I think you're gonna like today's episode.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Especially you as a wife.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
Because this could be a challenge to all the men that are out there because. Well, it's. It's. Where do we put our affections first as men?

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And so, you know, we just married off our last adult child, Lauren married Daniel. And Danny's a great guy. Just a few months ago, six months ago, we had Gabby marrying Christian. Christian's a great guy. Stephanie a few years ago, married to Moynia, great guy. Now all three of those great guys have great moms in their lives and.

Mary Alessi:
Very true.

Steve Alessi:
And one of those Great. Guys actually has a little daughter in his life right now with him and Stephanie. So the others are too young yet too new in marriage to have children, but they will be coming soon. Sure. So the. The question really is with guys. All right. Where do we put our love and priority with these three women that are in our lives? Is my priority my mom?

Mary Alessi:
Wow.

Steve Alessi:
80. She'll be 88 years old soon. Is my priority my wife and. Or is my priority my daughters?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And the affection that I give to them? Who gets it first?

Mary Alessi:
Right?

Steve Alessi:
So, Mary, as we start this episode, do you have anything you want to say to get us started?

Mary Alessi:
Oh, do I? I always have. Plenty. I want to say, especially when it has to do with how men think about women and how women think about men. I think it's so important for all the women that are listening right now to be mindful of this. We have to remind ourselves. I know you think that we don't, but we do. That you are not a woman. Our husbands are not women.

Mary Alessi:
You don't process like we do. You're not. Your emotional process is completely different than ours. So I've had to learn that over the years when I would say, why is Steve doing that? And why is he reacting that way? Okay, well, you're not a woman. You're not looking at it from the lens of a mother or a daughter or a wife. You are a husband, a father.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Got this.

Mary Alessi:
It's very different.

Steve Alessi:
But do women actually feel like a man? Man would. She can sense that a man is putting his mom first or putting his daughter first, or is she just jealous?

Mary Alessi:
Wow, that's a. That's a triggering question.

Steve Alessi:
Okay.

Mary Alessi:
Is she just jealous, though?

Steve Alessi:
That's not. That was the last part of the question. Hit the first part. Can she actually tell?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah, absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
Really?

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
Like, what are the signs when he

Mary Alessi:
puts his mother first? When she sees him being overtly sensitive to her needs, and yet he hasn't been sensitive to his wife's needs at all. So, like, for instance, the thing that you tell yourself your husband's incapable of because he's a man, suddenly you see him doing those very things towards his daughter or his mother.

Steve Alessi:
But doesn't that give the wife hope?

Mary Alessi:
No. Are you.

Steve Alessi:
I mean, for real? Yeah. I mean, he has the capacity.

Mary Alessi:
He has the capacity. But why did he choose her and the. The mother? Well, the mother, not him, not the wife.

Steve Alessi:
I would think that if he's showing that kind of love and affection to the mother, that that's a sign that he's going to be able to show it to the wife. So the wife would feel a little threatened by that.

Mary Alessi:
She would. Of course. Just like wouldn't a husband or a young man feel threatened by the overt love and affection that a daughter shows to her father?

Steve Alessi:
You know, I never had to worry about that.

Mary Alessi:
What do you mean?

Steve Alessi:
Well, your dad was.

Mary Alessi:
No, you never had to worry about that.

Steve Alessi:
Your dad was not. Yeah. No, I didn't have to try too hard to ask him.

Mary Alessi:
You never had him as a. Any kind of competition except a songwriter. Well, you're not a songwriter.

Steve Alessi:
No, I'm not.

Mary Alessi:
So that was never, ever an issue for us because my dad's. My relationship with him was bad, so that was never an issue.

Steve Alessi:
And the good thing was you never had daddy issues, so that's cool.

Mary Alessi:
No, I didn't. But I do think that there's something before daddy issues. I do think that there's a legitimate problem that some wives have, especially in our culture today when men are over mothered, that they do feel this sense of a betrayal a little bit.

Steve Alessi:
Right. And, and just being as a matter of transparency, these, these are questions or conversations that definitely you've had with your daughters.

Mary Alessi:
Absolutely.

Steve Alessi:
With our doors.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, my gosh. Yes.

Steve Alessi:
Because the young men that they've married.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Have wonderful moms.

Mary Alessi:
They do.

Steve Alessi:
And it's, it's a real blessing that they could see the way that the husband is treating their moms.

Mary Alessi:
No, that's a beautiful gift to see how much their spouse, future spouse, whatever the season is.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Loves and cares and picks up the phone when it, when his mother calls and doesn't dismiss her and is considerate of her feelings.

Steve Alessi:
And we've even.

Mary Alessi:
That's a big deal.

Steve Alessi:
We've even made adjustments along the way where we felt like one of the in laws were a little curt to their mother. We, we kind of let them know that, hey, we can see that. We.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So treat your mom as good. But here's the issue.

Mary Alessi:
It's true.

Steve Alessi:
So this all came because I saw social media posts. Can't remember who posted it, but I thought, this is going to be a phenomenal conversation with you.

Mary Alessi:
Okay.

Steve Alessi:
And, and then we thought, of course, let's bring it to our podcasters, our audience. So here's the. Here's what it said. It says, when men were asked or ranked, who comes first. Many men wrote mom without thinking. They followed old habits. But the Bible teaches that a man must leave his parents and join his wife.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Psychology agrees. A man who keeps his mother first Stays a son, not a leader.

Mary Alessi:
Wow.

Steve Alessi:
He cannot build a strong home if he still protects his childhood bond more than his adult one.

Mary Alessi:
Wow.

Steve Alessi:
I never thought of that.

Mary Alessi:
Wow.

Steve Alessi:
That's crazy. That is goes on to say. Many men put their daughter first, believing it shows love, which I got. But this creates pressure she cannot carry. A child feels safe only when her parents are united. When she becomes the sinner, she grows anxious because she feels responsible for the balance at home. Research shows girls who are placed above the marriage develop higher stress by 30%. A daughter should feel protected, not turned into her father's emotional anchor.

Mary Alessi:
Wow.

Steve Alessi:
And many men do not see it until the damage is done. Some men choose their wife first, but did not know the meaning behind it. The marriage must come first because it's the foundation of the family. A strong couple builds a strong home. When the marriage stands firm, the child grows secure. When it breaks, the house will fall. Studies show families with a united couple have fewer conflicts and stronger emotional safety. That is why the wife must hold first place.

Steve Alessi:
She is above the child. She is the pillar that protects the child. A mother stays loved and honored, but she cannot stand above the new family if she stays first. Tensions appear. The wife feels replaced, the child feels confused, and the man feels pulled apart. This creates a home where no one knows their place. The Bible and psychology both give the same order. Wife first, children second, mother third.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
This order builds peace, it builds trust, and it lets a man grow into his real role. Many men were shocked when they learned the correct order. They realized they were living by loyalty, not by truth.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
The order they wrote showed their emotional age, not their leadership. And this explained why many relationships felt unstable even when everything looked normal.

Mary Alessi:
Wow.

Steve Alessi:
You know, I would say right now for couples, families, this is probably a great conversation to have and maybe a good question.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Steve Alessi:
For the man to be able to process. So ask them in. In a non threatening environment, you know who is first in your life.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And why do you feel the pressure to have that? Why do you feel that is important if mom is first? Because I could just say from a son's perspective, whose pops has passed, dad passed away. So mom's alone.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
With me and my two siblings trying to raise her. You have a mom. Yes, but from the man's perspective, we are caretakers.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
So is there the guilt of putting you, my wife before my mom Sometimes.

Mary Alessi:
Really?

Steve Alessi:
Because you feel like,

Mary Alessi:
yeah, I know, I know. That's your mom.

Steve Alessi:
Who's going to take care of her?

Mary Alessi:
I know, I know.

Steve Alessi:
So there is guilt Sometimes that. That men embrace.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And.

Mary Alessi:
And now it's hard.

Steve Alessi:
But this makes total sense.

Mary Alessi:
Sure.

Steve Alessi:
Because even the mom can't feel the weight of pulling away the affection that the son should be giving his wife and taking it for herself.

Mary Alessi:
Exactly. And it's very easy to feel like you're the man in her life because the man in her life, your father, is gone. And you do instinctively, it's like in your DNA as a man to represent that male role model, caretaker that she doesn't have anymore. And you've never known a day until your dad passed with mom without dad. And so now that that's the case, it is very typical and normal. It should be expected that a son would say, I had to take care of my mom. And it does take a little bit of a time to get your equilibrium there because it's taken that even with your mom, I think it takes a little bit of time to get your balance and equilibrium when your daughters start to grow up, you're not expecting. You have no idea that it's going to hurt as much as it does to see your daughters married, be married off.

Mary Alessi:
I don't know why we're crying about this today, but you know what we have, we have just walked through some incredible highs. And this is. This is a good de. Stressor because this season of our life has been filled with every dream we've asked the Lord to fulfill. But with that comes a new season.

Steve Alessi:
Right.

Mary Alessi:
And the people we were, we have to re. Identify now. And I think that goes back to giving each other grace and a woman giving her husband grace. Because the seasons that you start out in when you're young, making sure you're taking care of your mother as a son, that will change. And you. It is a learning curve. Yep, it's a learning curve. Dealing with parents that are older, living on their own.

Mary Alessi:
It's a learning curve. You don't know. Thank you, Alan. He's bringing tissues in because your makeup is running. Is it? Oh, man. Okay, everyone turn off YouTube and just go straight to. I'll take Spotify.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Well, help us, Jesus.

Steve Alessi:
Well, it. Let's. Let's go back to. We'll get to the emotional aspect of it in a minute. But what do you.

Mary Alessi:
Well, we just got to the emotional ass.

Steve Alessi:
I know, but we got to get to it in a minute.

Mary Alessi:
I know.

Steve Alessi:
It takes place. Okay, let's. Let's go back to the. Just the issue a man has to realize. Okay. Which we. And I've always. I've always worked on this right here?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because I knew you and me, we had to be strong first.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
We had to be on the same page. The way the strength of this relationship, husband and wife relationship, if it was weak in any way, then the family was going to suffer and our work, our ministry was going to suffer. So we had to make sure this was right. I had to make sure you were my focus. Did I feel a little mom guilt a little bit along the way? Yeah. Even when dad was alive, there's that guilt that you always feel because Mom's your first, you know, even when it came. Time comes time to post on Mother's Day, you know, how do I do it? She's my first love, my mom, you know? And you're like, well, no, that needs to be my wife. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Is she the greatest woman in my life? Well, no, it needs to be your wife. So in his. In a man's mind, he can say something to his mom, but he can't say it to the world. Mom, you're my first. I love you. You know, you're the best. And I can't say it to the world, though, because my reality is my wife is my best, and she needs to be the other aspect. I mean, when you look at this, how does the mom feel knowing, you know, that she can't be first in the son's life? And hopefully she's okay with that.

Steve Alessi:
She. She can find her footing.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You know, you're learning this right now.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. Because as you're talking, I feel like not every woman's wired the same, but I think there's a part of us as mothers that almost feel like our sons put on a good show. That what you're talking about? That men do struggle with putting their moms first because they put her first, and their mom's the first woman in their life and the only woman in their life. I think a lot of women. I won't say all, but I think a lot of women don't believe that men feel that way, that their sons really feel that way. They almost feel tolerated because they don't know who to be and how to be in their son's lives when they get about 16 and girls come in to play. It's very different raising your sons and daughters. We know that it's very different.

Mary Alessi:
We say to the little boys, oh, you're gonna be a heartthrob. You're gonna be a lady killer. You know, they're five years old. We don't say that to our daughters. So there's Just a different. Just a completely different edge. The way we raise our sons versus the way we raise our daughters. And it's very different the way I, as a mother, see Christopher versus how he might see me.

Mary Alessi:
And unless we have a conversation, what I think is, yeah, he loves me, I'm his mom. But I would never automatically assume that he would have a hard time getting the order. Right. I just wouldn't think that. But what I've learned is that, yeah, psychologically, emotionally, he does. That's why I'm just as responsible to make sure I pull back and not my affection, but my need to be important in his life.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
That's what I, as a mother have to be. I have to help him do that work.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So that it's not just on him.

Steve Alessi:
No. And we've kind of had this conversation from time in, when the kids and stuff were younger. I let them know, no, no, no, you're not going to talk to your mom like that.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Because she's my wife and I'm. Well, that offending her first.

Mary Alessi:
So that's a good exercise.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Because couples, it shows the young boy the order at young age that, hey, she's not yours.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
She's dad's, and dad's got to take care of her. So as a young man, you start to grow up, you realize, no, I can all. I'm going to love my mom, but I need a girl's going to walk into my life to come become my wife one day, and she's going to be to me what mom was to dad.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And so that's a good thing. So if dad, a man can understand. Yes, you're going to feel guilty. Yes, you may want to say things, but you shouldn't say things. You got to edit your. Your comments about mom in front of your wife or when they're together.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You got to be sensitive to that because mom can't always feel like she's going to be your number one priority.

Mary Alessi:
And she can't manipulate you to remain in that posture. And that's the part about it. The relationships that get hard because the mom doesn't know who to be anymore. And she feels lost without her son. And that's always been her precious little boy, and now he's somebody else's. And that can be very threatening. I will say that in our culture down here in Miami, in South Florida, in this culture, that's a chronic problem. That is a chronic problem.

Mary Alessi:
And it's not. It is not a good order, which brings disorder and it brings disharmony to relationships and marriages. So when the husband doesn't take the lead on that, when it comes to I'm married now, my wife has to be first. It doesn't mean I don't love you, mom. I don't love you, dad. Oh, let's add the caveat. She's a single mom. She raised him alone.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
So all of that now just mounts this huge pressure on a young man. Something else that we've talked about a lot is what I've recognized even by being married to you. You have a wonderful mother. My mother in law's amazing. She's never meddled, she's never overplayed her hand in your life, but she still feels like she can speak directly into you. And I've had to learn how to honor and respect that. But also know that nobody's voice is more important than mine in your life. And I've had to feel confident about that.

Mary Alessi:
But we've told our daughters many times, I've told them recently, you have to help your husbands with the relationship with their mothers. You do have to kind of help feel that not from a negative perspective, but from a positive perspective. This is hard for them. Men don't really know how to play both relationships. It's not that they're emotionally inept, they're smart. But when it comes to two strong women, men need the wife's help to be gentle, to be sensitive, to be patient, to help him process that. Because she is the other woman and she can help him know how to kind of balance that.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. All right, so now let's talk about why the dad may be tempted to put the daughter.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
As his priority.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah. That's another tough one.

Steve Alessi:
You know, sometimes our ego gets in the middle of that because we birthed them and we've raised them and we want them to never, you know, leave us.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
We want to be numero uno. And so we have a tendency to put our focus on our daughter and do things for our daughters that we don't even do for our wives.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Or some men. Right. And I can remember a couple coming to me not too long ago, and I happened to use a sermon analogy or sermon, truth, talking about, I just don't think I could ever love you too much.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
That God's not up there because of my love for you. He's jealous.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
That. That, you know, I almost have to treat you like I treat him with my love and my devotion. Because it tells us that as a man, we are to love and cherish our wives. So I made that statement that I can never love you too much. And God's not jealous by that. And this gentleman's wife said to him, hey, you know, this is an issue with us because I feel like you're loving the kids more.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Than me. And you go out of your way for them more. Spend time with them. And you don't spend quality time with me.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And they ended up going on a fabulous vacation together because it was just an eye opener. He didn't realize that that was even being played out. And she was a great wife who didn't want to come across as needy.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Didn't want to come across as small.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
Insecure. So she never said anything. And he was just making sure he was stepping into a role that was actually for the whole family together and didn't see that. You know what? He didn't spend the same amount of energy and time and focus for just the two of them.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
He was more focused on the family. So he made that adjustment. And it was good that she helped him make that adjustment that she brought. She spoke up to his attention without it being a fight.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But yet being an environment that just brought up. Okay. Pastor Steve just gave me permission to address something here because I don't feel like I'm being loved that way.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And it was good. And he immediately reached out to me and said, thank you for the hot water you just got me in. So it was sweet. But why do men have that tendency to want to put the daughter first?

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And I think a lot of ego goes into that.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And I would just. Well, you say something, and then I'm going to come back to how. How I process that. Wow.

Mary Alessi:
You know, what I want to say in this moment is that when you use the word ego, I really do think that's the target right there. That's the issue is the man's ego. I will be the man in her life that no man can compete with. And that's really hard for a man, a father who loves his daughter that isn't all into himself. That's really hard to separate from because that's your baby girl. That's been your girl. You are the man. And everything that you are, you want to pour into this beautiful girl that's yours.

Mary Alessi:
And it is about competition with another man in the future. He might not even exist in her life yet. But it is a way, even though it might be deep in your. Your psyche, that you're going to create this perfect woman that she's never going to find anybody like me. And you have to kill that, and you have to die to that, because what young man can live up to that? And I said to you, when the girl started getting older, it dawned on me one day. I think it's harder for daughters to have awesome dads than it is. Or it's just as hard, let me be fair. Than it is to have a dad that's not all that.

Mary Alessi:
That's been absent. That hasn't really been everything that he needed her to be or that she needed him to be. I think it's just as hard to have a great father because you don't know where you end and he begins and where he ends and you begin and how you step off from that and how you allow a young man who has not even begun to develop as a man to compare to your father.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
It's so unfair. I think having a bad relationship with your dad eliminates that struggle, because your boyfriend, your fiance, your husband, he's got nobody to compete with.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
It's way harder when he has a great dad to compete with.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Put it. Put stress on the relationship.

Steve Alessi:
I can just say, as a father who's raised three daughters, and they're sharp, they're brilliant, they're talented, beautiful, fun. Everything that their mother is.

Mary Alessi:
Oh. Oh,

Steve Alessi:
that. Having to release them. My relationship with you made that easy. Made that easier.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
As long as you and I, you're. And on your end, as long as you're meeting my need for whatever it is to feel like I'm complete, emotionally, relationally, the support. I kept telling you more and more this week how great it is to feel your support in the whole working environment. Having that. Having the. The intimate times that we're able to share where my cup is full.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Having those things to make sure that I'm being taken care of as a man makes it possible to be able to look at my daughters and say, all right, you're not my priority now.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
All three of you were great. It's been fun. And we're gonna. You'll always be my daughter.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
No man's ever going to take my place as your father. That's a good thing. But then again, you have a man that's going to step into your life now that you're married.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And no man will ever take his place as your husband. And we're not competing for your affection.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
I said to Moynia the other day, just chatting with him, I said, you know, when you. There's going to come a time. Yeah. My daughter holds me in very high esteem right now because I'm still her father, capable of providing certain things for our family. We do things together, and she's not around when I'm off. She only sees me as. On being good. All this, that and the other.

Mary Alessi:
Your grumpy self. She doesn't see that anymore.

Steve Alessi:
She doesn't live with you. No. She forgets that because now she's married and she has that.

Mary Alessi:
She's got her own.

Steve Alessi:
But I said, you know, there's going to come a day where I'm. I'm not this one that she necessarily holds in high esteem. She almost going to get to a place where she's like, oh, poor dad.

Mary Alessi:
I know.

Steve Alessi:
Because dad's not going to be able to carry the deer, pull the deer out of the hole.

Mary Alessi:
And you're going to need her husband to come help you.

Steve Alessi:
I'm not the strong guy. I'm not the fastest guy. I'm snoring on the couch now while everybody's watching a movie. I'm checked out. I don't. I'm getting. My. My tummy's bothering me, you know, and I'm.

Mary Alessi:
Sounds like you're looking forward to that.

Steve Alessi:
And I said, she's going. She's going to pity me, not hold me in the highest esteem. And then you're all of a sudden going to be the hero. Yeah, that.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
In a different way into that. He steps into it. Don't push it overnight, because you don't. There's no way you're going to be able to compete with the man that raised her.

Mary Alessi:
No.

Steve Alessi:
From infancy. No to handing her off to you. But one day you're going to become a hero on your own. So I think for. For a man, we got to recognize our greatest. Our. Our. Our greatest duty is to prepare her to love another man.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So sincerely, purely holy, with such confidence that you're not going to have to be a crutch in any way. She's not going to need you. She's going to want you as a daughter, a father relationship. But she's not going to need you because you helped her choose the quality of guy. You were that example then. You helped her choose a quality of guy that was going to step in and meet all of her needs outside of God.

Mary Alessi:
And that order is so righteous. It's the right order to do that. And we do have to die to ourselves in order to be able to walk that Out. But what we get on the other side is so much greater than had. We held on and refused to let go and wanted to continue to occupy that role because we don't know any other role. We have to redefine our roles as parents. We do. It's not just on our kids.

Mary Alessi:
And we put those in law kids in such a tight spot, they don't understand it. They're not seasoned and mature enough. They've not walked where we've walked. It is on. On you and me to back up, but I. I want to share this story because it's. You don't know this, but because I haven't told you, and I. I need to express how it made me feel.

Mary Alessi:
But the day before Lauren and Daniel's wedding, you ran out to pick up a few things. We're all there at the house. We decided as a family, we were just gonna rest and be together. And the kids came over with their kids. We just. We were having a good afternoon and evening, and you were gone a little bit longer than you said you would be. But that's okay. I was outside with the grandkids.

Mary Alessi:
We were having a good time. And I'm like, wow, where's Steve at? He's never gone this long when the family's over here. So then you come in and you tell everyone to come around the table outside. I have no idea what you're about to do. And I'm thinking you're going to do something for the girls, because we've done that at the other weddings. We've given little necklaces, little rings. In the past, you've given the girls promise rings. So I.

Mary Alessi:
I am postured for you to give each girl something to memorialize the last wedding in our family. And you're crying already, but I was floored when you picked up the jewelry bag and you said, girls, come here. I want to show you something. And you gave me the bag and you said, I want you all to know the most important woman in my life is this woman right here. And I got here to this day because of her. And I was just floored. And I opened it up, and it was the most beautiful necklace. And what that did, not only for me, it honored me as your wife and the mother of my daughters.

Mary Alessi:
But it showed them the right order. Don't worry about mom and dad. You go off and live your life. I'm taking care of her. She's taking care of me, and I'm honoring her for this day, in this moment. And right now, we're taking back everything that we've given to you guys. Gladly did. It wouldn't change a thing.

Mary Alessi:
But right now, it's about that lady right there, and it's about this man right here. That's the right order. When you do it that way, no matter how hard it is. And you've got to die to yourself, because it's not that you want to put your children first, but you almost feel like you're supposed to.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And that your spouse is just supposed to understand that. And that's wrong.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And when you make that pivot in that change and it clicks. Wait a minute. What comes with that is this overflow of. Of peace and family unity and celebration. Your kids are released. They don't. They don't. They don't worry about you.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
They're not worried about. Oh, mom and dad. They're living their best lives. They don't need us. And they repeat the process, and it's the right process.

Steve Alessi:
Well, that particular. That gift was a bookend to when Chris got married, our first son. I brought you a gift and didn't do it for Steph because it was six months later she got married.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Because it was on the heels of that for both of them. It was a substantial gift. And then. Then Gabby. I didn't get you a gift for Gabby, but again, six months later, Lauren's getting married. So I knew this would be the same.

Mary Alessi:
Perfect.

Steve Alessi:
On the bookend. And one was white gold, one was yellow gold. And actually, the. The money came because my dad left us awesome cash.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I took my part of the cash and gave some of it to the kids. Right. And said, go buy a gift that you would look at. Every time you look at it now, you'll remember Papa.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
My dad.

Mary Alessi:
That was a great idea.

Steve Alessi:
Yep. Sharing the love.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And I had a substantial left for me, and I even gave some to you.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
You got some jewelry. I got a jewelry set, and I left some substantial cash for me because I wanted to go buy a Rolex.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
And the last Rolex I bought was so many years ago, and it was stolen. And it was stolen. And I never bought another one. The one that I was wearing have. Was given to me by a gentleman in the church who has since passed. So every time I see it, I think of J.C. diaz. And then I was going to get me one because I just wanted to be.

Steve Alessi:
When I'd look at it, think of my dad. He never had a Rolex. He never had a real role.

Mary Alessi:
He always wanted One. Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
So I was going to get it and just didn't. I couldn't find what I wanted. And then for my 65th birthday, a brother in the church, David, bought me a Rolex, and it was a beautiful Rolex watch. And so I'm sitting there, and here we're marrying off our last girl.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
And our last child. And I'm. I'm proud that you and I did it right.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I'm really. And I'm sitting there thinking, this. This is hard for me. No doubt. But my wife also. This is not easy. Right. I know grandbabies are coming in, and grandbabies help make it up a little bit, but this is going to be a new season for us.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Our friends have stepped into it, so we've watched them. Some are stepping into it, getting ready to. So they're watching us. And we've got all these people at church that love our family, and they're seeing it. And I wanted to take the time to show you that you are my priority.

Mary Alessi:
Yes.

Steve Alessi:
I love you. I'm grateful for what we've raised as a family together. Couldn't give me a greater satisfaction and joy. And we always said, Mary, we had to be first.

Mary Alessi:
Oh, yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Before our work.

Mary Alessi:
Our marriage is first.

Steve Alessi:
Our marriage had to be first. Which meant you had to be first to me.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Not this marriage. You had to be first to me.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And so it was. It was nice to be able to have that book in moment. And for the kids, which then, you know, I got it. I got some. Which then made. It was very sweet. Our son that night had a little toast for us. Just there was an intimate group there, not the whole family, or maybe they were.

Steve Alessi:
And he toasted and he said, you know, this is. You've married us all off to great people.

Mary Alessi:
He said, here's to the end of a season of wondering who they would marry, how this would turn out. Praying for all of us, sending us off and doing it right. Mom and dad, here's to the end of a very hard, long season.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
And who did it?

Steve Alessi:
Who did it? And then I said, okay, I need you to do this at the reception. And which they did, because it was something of honor. And I know some people may think, well, man, you guys shouldn't have made it about you. That's your daughter getting married.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Thankfully, we have modeled an honoring environment where our kids can honor.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Us. Not take the limelight spotlight off of them for their moments. They all get their moments. But because of the honor because of placing each other first, our kids have learned how valuable that is, the honor is. So our kids did honor us at the reception to say, hey, you did it right for all four of us to get us married, and you gave us weddings of our dreams. And. And it was beautiful. So, no, we don't want a mom to feel bad that she's not getting her sons, you know, being priority for him.

Steve Alessi:
And we surely don't want our girls to ever feel like they're not priority. But none of them are the priority that the wife is. And statistics prove it. The home has to be stable.

Mary Alessi:
And I would say, even if you are a single parent, how does this apply? Well, still, you can't make your child, as they get older, the most important human being on the planet. Because the reality to this, Steve, is that's how narcissists are made. And it creates so much of a disabled dynamic in how you will even pick someone. If your family member, your parent makes you feel like you're the center of everything, well, then that's not setting you up for a healthy life at all, because marriage requires you to die to yourself. You have to kill that part of your life. You aren't the center. You aren't the most important thing in order to function in a healthy relationship. The best gift we give our kids is for them not to believe they're the most important person, but to let them realize they have a healthy indoctrination, that you're not all there.

Mary Alessi:
You are not all that in a bag of chips. Okay? Don't even think that way. And when you're a single parent, yes, there's a real balance you have to strike of how you communicate that to your kid. That it might have just been mom and you or dad and you, but it won't always be that way because the goal is to set them up for success in their lives and that relationship that they have with the parent, knowing when to set them free and let them go.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah.

Mary Alessi:
Is. Is really what sets you up for success in life.

Steve Alessi:
And what we've tried to do and we've doubled down on this now that we're at this empty nest.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Period. Even though Nest still has Chris and Michelle and.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Little baby Jackson and Marino in it for a little bit longer until their house is ready. We've intentionalized more than ever. Our friends.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
Our work. We got our work. Work's going to be there. Our ministry, it's always going to be there. But. But we said, all right, we've got to Spend more time with our friends. Let's plan some things. We.

Steve Alessi:
We have to, because it's our life.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
We're not going to sit there and burden our kids with having to fill our life. We like it when we go out and then we come home and they're texting us, how come y' all are out so late?

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
We like that because we want them to know we have a life. And they feel good.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
Knowing we have a life.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
I can only imagine with some single parents how tough that must be.

Mary Alessi:
Yeah.

Steve Alessi:
But if. Because when their kids do go off and get married, those kids carry a little bit of guilt. What's mom doing? They're alone. What's dad doing? He's alone. I can't imagine that. But a parent can help them by being engaged. We. We have our church community, our connect groups, everything, man.

Steve Alessi:
Get involved. Develop those relationships outside of your kids.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
To help your kids be able to even say, all right, I'm released into my next.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
You'll always be Mom. You'll always be dad. But thank you for the gift of giving me freedom for my neck and independence.

Mary Alessi:
That's right.

Steve Alessi:
And if dad and mom can do that by first being able. If they're married, staying focused on each other, that's a beautiful thing. And never needing the parent, the kid, to make you feel like, all right, you are valuable.

Mary Alessi:
Right.

Steve Alessi:
No, that's our job. And thankfully, you do that well, baby, I'm grateful that we can do that with each other. And you just keep getting your hair done, keeping that makeup on, and we're going to do.

Mary Alessi:
Let's do it. Keep giving me that credit card.

Steve Alessi:
Yes. We'll be good. We're going to do it right.

Mary Alessi:
All that love and all that attention that those girls got, it's all mine now.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah. Oh, there's enough to go around.

Mary Alessi:
There's plenty.

Steve Alessi:
You gave me three beautiful girls and a wonderful son.

Mary Alessi:
Let's not forget him because he's going to listen to this and go, thanks a lot, guys.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, he got his share. Well, hopefully you're able to have a honest to goodness conversation about this. If this is an issue in the relationship. I mean, be open, guys, to answer the question, who is the priority in my life? Is it my mom? Is it my wife? Is it my daughters? Big question to ask, but be honest. And wife, if you're picking up on that kind of disconnect, because it seems like he is putting his mom or his daughter first. Have a good conversation. Be open. Let your heart be open pray about when to have that conversation do so because it's a healthy home.

Steve Alessi:
Yeah, the wife has to be first. And the next episode, maybe we could talk about the burden that the wife might have of wanting to make sure her dad feels like he's still important and his son feels like he's the Little Prince. Maybe we can deal with that one at another time.

Mary Alessi:
Sounds good to me.

Steve Alessi:
All right. Thanks for joining us with another episode of the Family Business with the Alessis.

Mary Alessi:
Thanks so much for joining the Family Business today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to follow or subscribe, share with a friend and leave us a review. We appreciate your support and can't wait to have you join us next time, because family is everybody's business.